


Family Matters -

by Simirulz204



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Female James T. Kirk, Genderbending, Hurt Jim, Jealous Jim, Jealous Spock, Jealous Uhura, Love, Oblivious Spock, Pregnancy, Slow Build, This is fanfiction., UHURA IS THE BAD GUY!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-05-10 16:12:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 116,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5592730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simirulz204/pseuds/Simirulz204
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years into their five year mission, Female Jim's biological clock starts ticking. As she is currently unattached and Spock is in a relationship with Uhura, she at first turns to Bones for help in making the ticking stop.</p><p>When he doesn't agree, it's purely by chance that Spock overhears a conversation regarding Jim's need for a child and logically deduces that as he is her other best friend he should do everything he can to help her. After all, there is no reason why copulation for breeding purposes should lead to any emotional investment or any jealousy from his intended.</p><p>Right?</p><p>Note to all readers: Uhura is a jealous cow and the bad guy in this story, Jim is an jealous bitch and Spock is just clueless in most things relationship wise. If you want canon true-to- character-down-to-the-last-follicle readings of them... I'm afraid this story isnt for you. I take liberties with their personalities. I do not sadly own anything related to Star Trek.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh, this story was itching to get out of me. Here it comes folks. 
> 
> Be kind Trekkies. 
> 
> Apologies for any and all mistakes - I'll learn as i go along. Promise.

‘’Jim… JIM!’’

‘’Huh?’’

She looks up into the concerned face of her disgruntled CMO, her eyes trying to focus as she snaps out of her daydream. His arms are crossed as per usual, a scowl threatening to form from the corner of his lips.

‘’Sorry Bones, I was miles away. What did you say?’’ she asks as she shields her eyes from the planets two suns, their rays having long gone from warming her, to rapidly turning her pale skin into a ghastly red-pink fusion. The few freckles on the bridge of her nose standing out amidst the swirl of colours on her face, highlighting deep blue eyes blinking beneath fair lashes.

‘’Kid, I’ve been yelling at ya for over five minutes to get your scrawny behind back inside the tent before you fry! Have the suns addled what’s left of your brains?!’’ He scolds, whipping out his tricorder and muttering under his breath at the readings.

‘’ _Boooones_.’’ She whines, swatting the offending prodder out of her face. ‘’I’m perfectly fine thank you very much. It’s not often that we get to take shore leave on a mostly deserted beach. Cut me some slack here, _please_?’’

He huffs and reaches into his pocket with one hand and she automatically flinches, slapping a hand over her neck instinctively before he can jab her.

‘’Ha!’’ she shouts triumphantly, blocking his attempt to inflict his torture on her once again.

‘’Jim, you’re dehydrated. You need this hypo dammit. Stop being so goddamn stubborn and let me do my job. Even the hobgoblin is taking in fluids and he was born on that hot as hell world they called Vulcan.’’ He says with a snarky voice, his finger now pointing at her instead.

‘’Fine, _fine_. Go ahead.’’ She sighs and waves a hand dismissively, her eyes following a child that had taken to running up and down the surf nearby. Her smile widens as she watches him laugh hysterically at the water lapping over his feet, the waves playing a _game of catch-me-if-you-can_ with the youngster. She continues to watch him as he squeals in delight, his giggles reaching down into her core and tugging on strings that she was sure, would never need tying down.

She fights the urge to go over to him and introduce herself, maybe teach him how to build a sandcastle that looks like a spaceship, anything really, as long as she can continue hearing that laughter that seems to fill a gap in her soul. Bones- for once- bless his southern heart, administers the hypo with an unexpected gentleness as he follows her gaze and interprets her smile.

‘’You got something on your mind there, Jim?’’ he settles down on the sand next to her, an arm folded loosely around one propped up knee.

‘’Before you had Jo, did you ever really think about having kids?’’

‘’No, can’t say as I did really. You know the story, I met Jocelyn and after a few too many, we got hitched after she told me she was pregnant. I was too preoccupied with becoming a doctor back then to think about kids. Why? Your clock ticking?’’ he ask her with a smirk, expecting her answer to be playful and full of shit like it normally was, but he’s surprised when he sees how her expression softens the longer she looks at the boy.

‘’I’ll be damned. Our Jimmy wants to be a momma!’’ he claps her on the shoulder and she snorts at him. He leaves his hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze, before lying back on his elbows in the sand.

‘’Bones, we’ve been in space for a while now. It’s… well, everything I ever dreamed it was going to be. You know apart from the whole – _Vulcan-Nero-Khan_ – shitstorm.‘’ he grunts in agreement, motioning for her to continue.

‘’We’ve explored numerous planets and I’ve seen my fair share of wonders, but as much as I consider the Enterprise to be my home, at the end of the day when I’m lying all alone in my quarters… its quiet. It’s _too_ quiet. Lately the more children I see, the more I hear them laugh and play, the more something in me aches to have something like that in my life as well.’’ She glances down to her best friend who had taken to nodding at her as she spoke and she nudged him with her knee.

‘’I want to have a kid Bones. You know, someone to come home to? Someone who, as selfish as this may sound, will always be there. Someone who will always smile when they see me, to have someone of my own. Someone for me to love unconditionally and for them to feel like that about me too.’’ She sighs as she stands up, dusting the golden brown granules from her shorts, her skin prickling as it scrapes roughly over her bare legs.

‘’I want to see my child grow and learn. What will they look like? Will they have my eyes? My grandfather’s nose? Will they suck at cooking like I do? I have a million questions that are just dying to be answered and until I can do that, I feel like I’m always stuck searching for something I might never find.’’

The boy shrieks as the waves knock him off his feet and Jim hears him splutter as he stands up again, a concerned mother suddenly appearing next to him, as if from thin air. Jim laughs as the woman hoists him up and over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

‘’Do you know what I mean?’’ she looks at him imploring, begging him to understand and not to judge.

‘’Yeah, I get it… and I’m happy for you… but Jim, we live in space. We serve on a ship that runs into disastrous situations at least twice a week. It’s not always the safest place and you know that.’’ She frowns as he sits up and ruffles his hair.

‘’Not to mention one very important fact. Babies don’t just pop out of nowhere. There ain’t no storks in space darling.’’

‘’Sheesh, you’re a bit of a downer today.’’ She sniffs testily, kicking a tuft of sand up into the air.

‘’Now Jim, you know I aint saying this to put you down. I just want to know if you’ve thought of all the facts. Where will the kid sleep? Who will watch him when you’re on the bridge or planet side? What kind of education will they get? Would you be willing to give up command if the admiralty decides one day, that you are more committed to your kid than to the ‘fleet? Has anything like this crossed your mind darlin’?’’ He looks up at her, a hand coming up to pull the brim of his hat down lower over his face to shade his eyes.

‘’Of course Bones! I’ve even gone as far as mentally preparing myself for being forced to give up command if I have to. I know that even now, in this day and age, that glass ceiling is still in place for most women. The only reason I was even _given_ the captaincy was because I became a ‘fleet celebrity after _saving earth_.’’ She scoffs and places her hands on her hips, now agitated at having her intelligence called in to question.

‘’I am also aware Doctor McCoy that babies do not in fact get delivered by birds and trust me when I say it has _definitely_ not escaped my attention that I have no significant other. I’d like to see _you_ trying to date someone under your command without fear of it going badly or it exploding in your face when someone calls the _no fraternization card_.’’ Her hands wave manically to-and-fro in front of her.

She takes a deep breath and starts to pace in front of him. Three steps forward, turn, fours steps back.

‘’I’ve been thinking about this, alot. At times, i feel like it's done nothing but consume my thoughts for hours on end. I've considered this matter seriously for over a year now. We are three years into our mission and I just feel like it’s... time. _It’s time, for me_.’’

The silence between them grows as they continue to stare at each other until finally, after another heavy intense gaze from her, he sighs. He shrugs and lets out a dry laugh.

‘’Ok Jim. _Ok_. Well, you know that as CMO, I will do everything in my power to keep you and your eventual child healthy and safe, but as your friend, I also want you to know that I’m willing to help out as much as I can – within reason!’’ he adds, another calloused finger waggling up at her.

Jim looks down at her best friend feeling a lump form in her throat, her emotions bubbling over at having confessed to wanting a child for the first time. Reaching the point where she can't contain her glee any longer, she launches herself at him with open arms and he shrieks in surprise as she peppers his face with tiny, grateful kisses.

‘’ _Ger off! Ger off ya loon. Blah!_ You got gob all over me! Do you know how unsanitary that is?’’ he chided her and she can’t help laughing at the look on his face as she sits up to allow him to scrub at it.

‘’You’ll really do _anything_ to help?’’ she questions him, now kneeling on her knees with her hands on his shoulders.

‘’Yeah darlin’. Why?’’ He pats her head like he would a child and as her eyes fill with mischief and a guilty smiles spreads over her face, he suddenly regrets saying anything.

‘’In that case I have a request Bones.’’

‘’Oh yeah?’’

…

‘’Gimme your sperm?’’

 

He blinks.

 

She grins.

 

‘’Say what now?!’’

****************************************************************************************************

Back aboard the ship, Jim twirled a stylus between her fingers, a hand threaded between her hair as she glares at the PADD in front of her. She was getting impatient and to be honest, the hurt that she had been denying herself to feel since she last saw Bones, was beginning to seep _into_ her bones.

  
_Ha!_ She snorts at her own joke and rubs a hand over her weary eyes, groaning as she glances back down again.

  
His shock at having her ask him to well, _basically_ father a child with her, had had him scramble up from the beach so fast that she barely had any time to balance back on her arms before he knocked her over in his haste to get away. She had considered running after him but as she saw the tense line of his shoulder and the determined stride, she huffed and sat back down on the beach.

  
That had been four days ago.

  
When they had beamed back on to the ship, Bones had avoided looking at her entirely. She heard him grumble and curse non-stop as he entered the lift to presumably go straight back to med bay. Her and her big mouth. Tact unfortunately had never been her strong suit. Preferring to be upfront and direct in life, no matter what situation or approach she had to take… she realises now in hindsight that she could have asked him in a better, more convincing way.

Now here she sat, twiddling her thumbs as she read through droll report after report, wishing that Bones would just make up his mind already. If he said no, an eventually that she was prepared for, then yes she would be hurt and a little disappointed. But she would never force his hand on this. He was her best friend and she would be damned if anything ever changed that.

If it was a no, then it was a no.

  
She jumped as a whistle pierced the air.

  
‘’Commander Spock to Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk?’’

‘’Yes, Mr Spock? What can I _do you_ for?’’ she smirked as she pictured his face, hoping that at least internally, he was scrunching it up in lieu of her grammatically screwing up all her sentences on purpose.

A tiny pause indicated that this was indeed the case and she stifled a laugh.

  
‘’Captain, Lt Uhura and I would like to invite you to partake in refreshments after Beta shift this evening. Are you available?’’

  
‘’Oh, I’m available Mister Spock.’’ She smirks again, leaning back in her chair, propping her feet up on the table.

  
‘’I see. This means that you are able to join us? Please clarify.’’

  
‘’Gah, yes Mister Spock. Do you need me to bring anything?’’

‘’No Captain. The replicators are programmed to provide us with adequate refreshments, therefore your request, whilst appreciated, is not needed at this time.’’

‘’Gods, Spock. You could have just said no you know.’’

‘’Indeed.’’

‘’I’ll be there at 1830. Your quarters or Uhura’s?’’

‘’The Lieutenants will suffice.’’

‘’Great. See you there. Kirk out.’’

Two hours later she finally set the PADD down, standing up to stretch and rub at the stiffened muscles of her lower back. Rolling her shoulders she walked from one side of the cabin to the other, her eyes glancing over the small personal effects placed on the shelves adorning the walls.

A picture of her brother, smiling wide as he kneeled down next to a deer that he had shot after persevering for two hours straight in the rain. She swiped a thumb over it and moved on to the next. A picture of her father, proudly standing next to her mother, an arm around her shoulder and a twinkle in his eye. She was fortunate that she had been able to find this photo back in the basement of their home before... well, before everything happened. Turning to the last photo in the corner she picked it up and studied it.

Frank Turner.

  
She sucked in a breath and felt it catch, as it did each time she looked at the photo. So many memories flashed through her mind in that instant that she always felt dizzy after.

This man, _this man,_ was the reason why she wanted a family. His kindness, his guidance , his ability to love all creatures, especially snot nosed brats who weren’t his biologically, was what made her ache for family.

His death was a blow that she would never get over, that she would never forget and one that she could never forgive herself for.

  
Putting the picture back down gently, she straightened it and looking down at her command golds, she smoothed the wrinkles that had formed. She put a smile back on her face and after counting to ten, her mood lifted marginally and she made her decision. She was going to Bones. He was going to give her an answer.

_Family matters_ was what Frank had always said and even if Bones didn’t want to help her _make_ a family, he would always be a part of hers.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you are enjoying this. Feedback is important to my soul. Thanks!

Walking in to sickbay, Jim squared her shoulders and nodded to the various nurses she came across, still to this day feeling humbled that most if not all of them took the time to stop what they were doing and salute her. Coming up behind Christine she slipped her arms around the other woman's shoulder and gave a squeeze.

''Hey hun, is Bones around?''

''Jim, I don’t know what you did that spooked him so much, but it's been utter hell around here lately. Seriously, what did you do?''

''I, uh... just wanted to know if he'd help me with something but I guess I was asking too much.'' She dips her head and hums as Christine continues to stare at her.

''Well, just go and talk to him - he's over by Ensign Kenna in bed twelve.''

''Thanks, Chris.'' She spotted him bent over his equipment, hands a flurry of activity.

She fought down the urge to wrap him in her arms and hug the hell out of him. After four days without his continuous griping, moaning and mother-henning she felt his absence more than she thought she would.

''Dr McCoy.'' she said softly and she watched him straighten, his hands stilling as they dropped down to clench beside him. He sighed.

''Yeah, Kid. Gimme a sec.'' he said and she went to stand against the wall, arms folded to wait him out.

Ten minutes later it seemed that he had run out of things to do to waste time so he barked out an order to Christine to finish up with the Ensign. He half turned his body to Jim and waved at her to follow him. Walking behind him, a nervous tic started in her hand and she clenched and un-clenched as the intensity of their silence built up. Inside his office he walked behind his desk and taking his doctors coat off, he slung it over the back of his chair. He bent down to his bottom drawer and out came a bottle of golden liquid that he placed down carefully in front of her. Two tumblers joined the bottle and he finally took a seat. His hands clasped in front of him and for the first time in four days his blue-green eyes held hers.

''Sit please.''

Taking a seat, Jim held his gaze until he broke it to pour them some liquid courage.

''I take it from this you’re not on duty for the rest of the day?'' she said quietly, giving a wave over the alcohol. She hoped she didn't come across as if though she were questioning his judgement so she added a small smile.

''I'm a doctor Jim, I'm always on duty... but today, I had a feeling that a pain in my ass was going to appear, oh, I don’t know, round about now... so I made plans to have some time off.'' his own small smile making an appearance on his normally grumpy face.

''Bones, just say it so we can move on. Please. I miss you.''

Jim looked down to her lap as she folded her hands together and sat up straighter in her chair.

''I ... I'm sorry darlin'. I just can't. I’ve been wrapping my brain around it for days, considering every possible scenario. Pro's and con's. And I just don’t think I have it in me to... well, to do this for you.'' he cleared his throat after taking a swig and risked looking at her.

''Oh,'' she took the glass and emptied it. '' Can I ask you something else then?''

''Shoot.''

''Is it because you think I’ll be a shit mother? Is that why?'' Jim asked him while her heart thundered in her chest. Biting her lip she forced herself to shut out her gut wrenching disappointment.

''Good God no, Jim!'' he stood up so fast from his chair it clattered to the floor and he came around to her dropping to his knees next to her. Taking her hands he pulled her up and into his arms.

''No, Jim. It's not that. Never that. It's _me_ Jim. I can barely be a father to the kid I already have and I just can’t see myself being okay with another kid wandering around out here in space..'' he stutters over his words and she locks her hands behind his back, resting her head on his shoulders.

''Please, Jim. You're my best friend and hell, the only family I got besides Jo. Don’t hate me for this please.'' She takes a deep breath and pats him on the back as they stand there holding each other.

Pulling back slightly, his arms still fastened around her she places her hands on his face, his stubble prickling her palms. She tilts his head down and places a kiss on his forehead.

''Thank you for being honest Bones. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt a bit but I would never want to lose you. So really, thank you for at least considering it. I could never hate you, you know that right?'' she asks as he leans his head back and chuffs out a breath.

''Thank God. I don't know what I would have done if I was stuck up here in this tin can without a friend. The hobgoblin doesn’t count you know.'' he smirks and she swats him on the arm good naturedly.

''Don’t call my lady a tin can.'' she lets him go and pours them another drink, passing him the glass she lifts her own in the form of a toast.

''To grouchy doctors and crazy captains.''

''To living in space amongst friends.''

They knock back their drinks and Jim claps her hands together.

''Whelp, I better get going. Spock asked me out for drinks later tonight so I better brush up on my manners.''

''Manners? Good lord, those things exist for you?''

''Oh ha ha.'' she pats him on the cheek as she makes her way to the door.

''Kid... I really am sorry.'' he mutters before she leaves.

''I know Bones. I know.''

The door swishes closed behind her and she takes a moment to gather herself.

_Good job Jim! You didn’t cry. You weren’t a big fat blubbering mess all over his shoulders. Now you just need to make it back to your quarters where you can go do all of that in the privacy of your shower._

Walking the corridors back to her room, the smile she plastered on her face made sure that anyone she encountered would be none the wiser to how she was really feeling. Stripping her clothes off she padded into the bathroom and opting for a water shower she banged her head against the wall in frustration.

''Ok, plan B Jim.'' she muttered to the tiles and they echoed the words back to her.

Getting dressed took ten minutes tops, a white V neck tank top, pair of low slung blue jeans and her uniform boots and she was done. She paused a moment in the mirror to tie up her hair in a ponytail and slapped her cheeks to get some color. Out of all her duties, responsibilities, credentials and accomplishments in life she still couldn’t figure out how to apply makeup properly. _Three_ near death experiences with an eyelash curler, had cured and put her off any future attempts to make herself look pretty.

_This, right here was why she only wanted boys. She wouldn’t have anything worthwhile to teach to her daughter._

She checked her terminal one last time for any important messages and made sure to forward all urgent communications to her personal PADD. She had one more day of holiday left and she was planning on getting rip roaring drunk tonight. Taking the turbo lift down, she stomped her way through the corridor and chimed the bell on Uhura's door. One day, she mused, she would get to call her Nyota. It was _ridiculous_ that after three years Uhura still didn’t feel comfortable enough with her to let her call her by her first name. As she waited for the door to be answered her mind flashed back to Spock.

Well, _the other_ Spock. Cave Spock to be precise, or should she call him future Spock? _Whatever._ He had said something along the lines of 'a friendship to define you both' but three years in, she still hadn’t seen anything noteworthy to their friendship. Sure, they were the best damn command team in the fleet and she had heard every variation of _'it's like they can read each other's minds!'_ from almost every crewmember they worked with, but personally she just didn’t know anything about Spock.

In the beginning she had tried to initiate a friendly game of chess or get him to teach her how to speak to Vulcan. But for some reason, Uhura had deemed her public enemy number one and had convinced Spock, that logically, it made no sense to spend time with another woman when he already had a female in his life. Jim couldn’t say exactly that it was insecurity that made Uhura react this way - as whenever she spoke to her - Uhura had always come across as confident and sure of her place in Spock's life. After while Jim had stopped trying to get Spock involved in her personal life and just let it be.

Oh sure, they spoke about things outside of work, normally when they were in the mess or at group gathering on shore leave, there would be the usual 'how’s the family' questions but it never got deeper than that. Future Spock and her on the other hand, spoke regularly about anything and everything. She considered him to a very good friend and if anything the whole defining friendship was more likely to happen between the two of them.

Over the years she had taken every opportunity to visit him, to learn from him. He had naturally avoided any topics that could give her information about her future that could mess with this timeline, but he insisted on helping her train in shielding. To be fair the only time she concentrated on using her shields was when she was near Spock or if she knew she was going anywhere near a telepathic race. It was inevitable that she and Spock would have physical contact with one another from time to time, whether through accidental touches by passing a PADD too quickly or the extreme opposite when he had to place his hands on her stomach to staunch any bleeding from the latest spear she took to the gut. Spock, she could safely say would never know how she felt unless she allowed him to... or if he ever pulled a whammy on her like future Spock did with that whole meld thing.

The door to Uhura's cabin slid open, pulling Jim out of her musings and she smiled automatically as the Vulcan in front of her bowed his head slightly to welcome her. She stepped inside and Uhura greeted her and before she could return the pleasantry a drink was thrust into her hand.

''We have some news Captain.'' Uhura beamed and Spock stood and stiff beside her.

''Oh? Do tell.'' she replied, taking a seat as the couple sat opposite her.

''Captain we would like to inform you that we intend to bond. For now, we have started the process and have a rudimentary link in place to ensure that it settles thus giving us time to adapt to one anothers minds. At our next available opportunity we shall head to New Vulcan and complete the bonding process there.'' Spock said in his monotone voice and Jim's eyebrow seemed to climb even higher than the ones he was born with.

''Wow. Uh, I mean, congratulations.'' she stammered and Spock once again bowed his head in thanks.

''While that wasn’t quite the reaction I was expecting, we thought you should be the first to know.'' Uhura said. Her previous smile now dimmed as she spoke around the rim of her glass.

''No, no. I'm really happy for you guys. Seriously. Congratulations.''

''Captain, Nyota and I would like to ask if you would be willing to perform the human ceremony here on the ship, once we have bonded.'' Spock said and she saw a flicker of something in his eyes as he stared at her.

''Uh, yeah. Sure. Of course! Whenever you want.''

To say that things had suddenly become awkward would be the understatement of the century. And the kick of it all was that she didn’t even know why it had become so painful to sit here with them. A few throats were cleared and they sipped their drinks in silence. Eventually Spock broke the silence to inquire if there was anything she needed in regards to ship business and after a hastily muttered ' _no, thank you though_ ' she said her goodbyes and turned to leave, only getting fifteen steps down the corridor before she heard someone call her.

''Captain.'' she heard Spock say from behind her and she stopped to look over her shoulder.

''Mm?''

''I apologize if we have placed you in a difficult position. We will of course arrange a different location for our ceremony...''

''No Spock, don't be silly. I just have a lot on my mind.''

''Is there anything I can do to be of service?''

Jim looked at her first officer, standing tall and dare she say it, almost proud. His lean frame deceptively hiding toned muscles beneath his blue shirt. For the first time in a long time she allowed herself to look at him as a man, rather than just a crew member. His delicate mouth, the lower lip larger than the top, the sharp lines of his nose, the high cheekbones that seemed to hold up deep-set brown eyes. His eyes, she thought were the only thing she could ever find emotion in.

As her gaze travelled downwards with a discreet flick of her eyes, she followed the long straight lines of hips, his strong thighs down to his ankles and quickly back up again to the things that always grabbed her attention when she least expected it.

His ears. Beautifully pointed, the tips gracefully aligned. Symmetrical.

A baby with pointed ears!

A perfect, perfectly logical child.

For a moment Jim just stared at him as the picture formed in her mind. However just as quickly as she imagined their perfect child the image vanished as she saw him move closer to her.

''Captain, are you certain you are well? I calculated that you have been non-responsive to my queries for approximately 5.3 minutes. I suggest that if this becomes the norm you seek medical attention as a lapse of concentration on the bridge could prove to be problematic.''

Jim looks up at him; his height now making her conscious of just how short really was and laughed.

''I'm perfectly fine Mr. Spock.''

''Fine has variable definitions. Please clarify further Captain or I will resort to escorting you to Dr McCoy for examination.''

Laughing again, she grabs the top of his arm and gives him a squeeze which lasts barely more than two seconds before she releases him.

''Congratulations Commander.'' she says in lieu of goodbye and with a final wave as she retreats back to her quarters she would swear later than she heard a sigh from him.

************************************************

0200 ships time and Jim was two bottles in to her favorite wine, her music playing in the background as she sang along poorly to the words. While she hated being maudlin or depressed and she most definitely hated being needy - the words to the song lulled her into a mood that she would later deny.

'' _When the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case. I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love_.'' she sang along softly, praising Adele for writing music that could hurt and heal at the same time. She hadn't shed a single tear since seeing Bones, she didn’t confront the spark of _jealousy_ when Spock announced that he was getting married and she definitely didn’t cry when she got to her quarters and the silence threatened to consume her. She was so tired. So tired of being alone, which frankly was ridiculous considering she was responsible for a ship containing hundreds of people. How is it that out of all those people, she only really had Bones to confide in?

He was the only one to touch her, to give affection and attention that she needed on a personal level. As a single tear made its tracks down her cheek, dripping off the end of her chin she wiped at it furiously and clambering to her feet from her lazing position on the floor, she put the wine away and turning the volume down lower, made her way to the bed. Not bothering to get undressed she lay down on her stomach and fervently hoped that one day, she would be able to play this song to her child.

_I could make you happy make your dreams come true, nothing that I wouldn’t do. Go to the ends of the earth for you. To make you feel my love._

***********************************************************

Alpha shift the next morning seemed to Jim, as if every one of her worst nightmares came to life. Apart from the catastrophic headache-inducing hangover she woke up with, the whole ship was abuzz with the news of Spock's intention to marry Uhura. Gossip, rumors, suggestions, lamentations and few ensigns she spotted weeping made her grit her teeth and when she finally sat down in her chair she could not - _for all the money in the world_ \- contain the soul weary sigh that escaped her.

''Oh Lt, that's wonderful news! You and Spock would make such adorable children.''

Jim heard one ensign try to whisper from her station, but what she didn’t expect was Uhura's non-committal 'mmm' in response.

_Surely if someone comments on what beautiful babies you could one day make you should have the decency to at least say thank you, even if you didn’t believe them!_

Jim holds in a snort as another ensign pipes in with her two scents about how lucky she is to have Spock and Jim immediately feels bad that she was behaving this way. She was happy for them. Really. She was only jealous because they had each other. They had _someone._ That’s what she was jealous about. She had never once thought about Spock or Uhura in a romantic capacity and sure she had her wild fantasies now and then, but honestly it was purely just the fact that someone else was getting a life they she herself would most likely never get to experience.

_A husband, a child, a great career..._

Her snort, not hidden well enough, was noticed by her First Officer and where before the bridge was alight with small talk and cooing at the upcoming nuptials - the noise level died abruptly from one raised eyebrow levelled at said gossiping ensigns. Jim looked at him in thanks and nodded her head. Grateful that she didn’t have to play the bad guy.

As everyone returned to their posts, the beeps and clicking of various consoles became the only sounds as she perused her PADD, signing off of engineering reports. Scotty was adamant that he could implement a crazy new idea and Jim shook her head at his foolishness. In order to even go ahead with this they would need to shut down all weapons systems for a matter of hours and that was one risk she was currently unwilling to take while in unchartered space. Perhaps when they dry-docked at the next station.

''McCoy to Captain Kirk. Come in Captain.''

''Here Bones, what's up?''

''Can you come to my office when you have a sec?''

''Sure thing. Do I need to be prepared for any pain?''

''Define pain.''

She groaned and wondered what exams he had in store for her. Looking at her Vulcan she noticed him turn away from her. _Aha, devious bastard_ had obviously contacted McCoy since last night and now she was going to get a lecture.

''I'll be there later Bones. Kirk out.''

''Mister Spock, have you perhaps been chatting with our good doctor?'' Jim asked as she left her chair to lean over him at his console.

''Vulcans do not chat, Captain. I merely expressed my concern after our encounter last night and further having to bear with a suspicious sound coming from your quarters in the early hours of this morning, I deemed it necessary to consult with the CMO of this vessel.''

''I take it that you didn’t appreciate my singing skills then?'' Jim says. Her cheeks reddening as she fought down her embarrassment at being heard by him.

''Singing Captain? I was unaware that what I heard last night could be considered as such.''

Barking out a laugh which startled a few people, she slapped the back of the chair and grinned.

''It's a good thing I know you have a sense of humor Mister Spock or I would’ve interpreted that as an insult.''

''I cannot deny or confirm to this 'sense of humor' you have alluded to but I will confirm that I am gratified you did not view it as an insult.'' His eyes crinkled minutely in the corners and Jim was sure he was smiling.

''Well alright then Mr. Spock. I'm off to get lectured by Bones; you have the conn till I return.''

''As you say Captain.''

**************************************************************

''Bones, no lectures please, whatever Spock told you, it’s not true and I deny everything.'' she said as trudged into his office, all but collapsing in the chair, clutching at her head.

Every step to med bay had coincided with a pulse of pain in her head and she closed her eyes and squirmed as the cool metal surface of his table froze her cheeks. _Damn that felt good_.

''So Spock didn’t hear you warbling like a cat on a hot tin roof at one am this morning?'' he asked folding his arms and giving her the look.

'' _Hey_ , I was in my quarters, the music wasn’t that loud and I can’t help it if his superior Vulcan ears lets him hear everything that happens. Oh god, that kinda creeps me out Bones.'' she shivered dramatically and he rolled his eyes.

''How much did you drink darlin'?''

''Eh, a bottle or two of wine, then I hit they hay round about two-ish.''

''Ah, which is why you're currently hugging my desk's metal surface like a lifesaver. Got a bit of hangover then Jimmy?'' before she could protest he jabs her with a remedy and while she curses she thanks him in the same breath as the pounding in her brain receded to a dull throb.

''Jim, while you were exercising your vocal chords and testing the endurance of your liver last night... I, uh... contacted a few people of mine from the old days.'' he hands her a few folders and she sits up to look at them.

''Uh, you shouldn’t have?''Confusion makes her eyebrows come down as she stares at the brown packages.

''Jim, in there, are the best candidates I could find for sperm donation. All of these men have been vetted for diseases and genetic abnormalities and they come up clean. These men are either renowned geniuses or close enough to guarantee that your child will have a higher IQ than most people I know. I know it’s not what you wanted...'' he clears his throat uncomfortably and sits down, ''but I think if you’re serious you should take a look at these files and consider it.''

She doesn’t look at him as she opens the first file. A photo is attached. A good looking red headed man stares back at her, ice blue eyes and perfect straight teeth. His bio lists that he is a highly qualified engineer who obtained his degrees at the University of Oxford where he then went on to complete a thesis that has been widely published. His reason for donating his sperm is that he had no wish to actively be a father as his career comes first and he would like to offer someone else the chance to have a family.

''Bones... I.'' She takes a deep breath and looks up at her friend. ''Thank you.''

''If you have any questions about anything I hope you know you can come talk to me?''

''Yeah, I do know. I'm just kind of overwhelmed at the minute. I just thought that when I did have a kid... well, anyway. Sperm donation? Would you... be the doctor to help me with getting the ball rolling? Insemination?'' she asks a little timidly, not sure she can handle another doctor with such an intimate task.

He huffs and nods at her.

''If you think anyone else will ever be your doctor, you’ve got another thing coming. I'll be there Jim, as your friend and your doctor from start to finish.''

''God, I'm suddenly glad that I can never fall in love with you.'' she laughs as she gets up to pull him into a hug.

''You and me both kid. Be a bit weird considering you're like my sister.''

''Ewww'' they both parroted and she grabbed the files from his desk.

''Go, outta my sickbay and get back to work Captain.''

''Aye Sir.'' she salutes and hefting the files under her arms she takes a detour to her room.

As luck would have it she encounters absolutely no one on the trip down, but as she rounds the corner she bumps nose first in to a blue clad chest and with an 'oomph' she staggers backwards and the files drop and scatter across the floor. Groaning, she clutches her nose and glares at the person in front of her before realizing it was her first officer.

''Ouch Spock.'' she grumbles, her eyes watering from the shock. Like being slapped it seemed to bring out tears whether it actually ended up hurting or not.

''Captain. Apologies. Have I injured you?'' he asks normally but she detects an undercurrent of concern from him.

''Nah, I'm all good Spock. It was just unexpected. Geez, look at the mess I've made.''

Bending down she starts to gather the papers before realizing that she doesn’t know if she wants Spock to know that she's looking through potential donors to father her child. She curses internally as she spots him pick up a candidate photo. An Orion man beams up from the photo and it seems he deemed it necessary to include a full body shot with him in nothing but his underwear.

''Captain?'' Spock queries, his eyebrow rising in confusion.

''Ah, yeah.., that....’’ she scrapes up the last few pages and ushers him to follow her.

Inside her room he stands with his hands behind his back and waits patiently as she deposits everything on her desk before turning to face him.

''Captain, I am aware that this may be none of my business, but if you are looking for companionship I admit, I struggle to see how an Orion could possibly be a suitable candidate for you if you are considering something long term.'' Holding her sides as she starts to laugh, her eyes watering now for an entirely different reason. She calms herself before taking a seat.

''Mister Spock, I am not looking for companionship in that sense. I am however looking through a list of donors.'' she said and not believing it was even possible she watched him stiffen even more, his face now so devoid of emotion she mused that if someone took a chisel to his face it would surely crack.

''Are... Are you ill Captain? Is it normal procedure for organ donors to include photographs? If so I must question the validity of the files and ask to see proper documentation listing their recent health statistics. As your first officer it is my duty to ensure that you remain at optimal health at all times.''

At his stutter her eyes widened and she realized that she must have him quite disturbed, to be able to get him to stutter or repeat himself. Quickly standing up she did a quick mental check of her shields and put her hand on his arm. A minute flinch showed he felt her emotions and she projected calm and reassurance to ease him. She looked him in the eyes before removing her arm.

''Not at all Mister Spock. These donors... well, they are sperm donors. Over the past year I have been considering having a child and as my first option is no longer available, the next best thing it seems, is to look through a bunch of files and decide, quite logically, who would be the best man to father my child.''

She sat back down and waited for him to process everything and when time stretched on, she shrugged and turned to her spare PADD, figuring that she would wait him out, while he no doubt weighed everything up in his mind until he came to a satisfactory conclusion.

''Captain. I apologize for the delay in my response. May I ask what your first option was?'' he asked quietly, noticing that the stiffness of his shoulders had yet to relax into his normal stiff posture.

''Mr. Spock, I consider you a friend and while we have we worked together flawlessly, most of the time at least, I have to ask. _Why_ are you interested? Over the years, I have made countless attempts to get to know you on a personal level but you have stonewalled me repeatedly. So, I have to ask. _Why_ are you interested?''

He suddenly dropped his hands from behind his back and before turning he nodded his head and uttered and apology for being intrusive before he turned to go. She jumped from her seat and clutched his wrist to stop him from leaving. He gasped as their skin made contact. She quickly let go and he stopped in his tracks.

''Please Spock, I didn’t mean for you to be offended. I always value your opinion. I was just... shocked that you were taking an interest in matters that didn’t concern the ship. I want to get to know you and I hope that you at least consider me a close acquaintance if not a friend.'' she rambled hastily. He let out a small puff of breath and for a second his eyes closed.

''Captain.. _Jim_. I do consider you a ... friend. One of the few that I have. The fact that you have been under the assumption that I do not ... care for you or your wellbeing outside of ships business... is rather unsettling to me. I apologize for not making this more obvious.'' he said sincerely.

Her cheeks were aching. Absolutely _aching_ with pleasure and pain combined from the smile that lit her face when he admitted that he considered her to be a friend.

''Thank you Mister Spock. That, uh, makes me very happy to hear.'' she mumbled as her ears reddened.

The two of them stood in companionable silence for a few minutes before she remembered his initial question.

''Ah, yes. My first option, believe it or not, was to ask Bones if he would consider being the father.'' she said as she walked to the replicator, ordering a cup of coffee.

''Dr McCoy, I take it did not agree?'' he asked knowing full well that she would not have all these files if the opposite were true.

''Yeah, he didn't feel right about it. He's my best friend so I'm glad that even though he said no, our relationship won’t change.'' she smirked at the look on his face, for one minute his face was contorted into a scowl.

''Ha ha, I take it you’re trying to find the logic in my wanting Bones to be the dad?'' she snorts as he nods his head.

''He may be a grouchy bastard Spock, but he's warm and kind, intelligent and most importantly... I trust him.''

''I see.'' he says and she shakes her head.

''You don’t, but it’s all moot now. Now, I have to look through these candidates and see if any peak my interest. But first, I think it's time we reported back to the bridge don’t you.''

''Ah. I apologize; I came to find you when you did not return. I will report back at once.''

''Wait up. We'll go together.''

''As you wish Captain.'' he said and they turned as one to walk out the doors back to the bridge.

On the turbolift she fidgeted with her hair, combing it back and retying it. Spock stood immobile as per usual.

''Captain...''

''Jim. It's Jim.''

''Jim. As you have stated that you value my opinion. Would it be permissible for me to assist you in your search? Forgive me If I am overstepping, but I believe there is a human saying that 'two sets of eyes are better than one'?'' she beams up at him in response and he loosens his stiff posture marginally.

''Sure, thanks Spock. If you have time we can meet in the officer’s lounge... or perhaps the observation lounge one night and go through it all.''

He nods again and the lift stops at the bridge. Before she can get off he stops her with a finger to her arm.

''Are you available tonight?'' he asks, his eyes giving away the tiny flutter of hope that she accepts.

''For you Mister Spock, always.''


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The balls get rolling....

As excited as she was to be meeting Spock later after their shift, she first had to get a hold of her emotions. She was so giddy with happiness that she practically floated down the steps and melted into her chair like a puddle of goo. Her smile was radiant and she chatted animatedly for the rest of their shift with anyone and everyone who dared to venture near her.

The crew - who was now used to their Captains mercurial moods first didn't think much of it - but as the afternoon dragged on and Jim showed no sign of stopping with the chatter they found themselves emulating their first officer. Eye brows raised high and looks of mild confusion plastered on their faces.

One hour before shift ends Jim glances down to the left hand pocket in her chair, her personal PADD buzzing away with incoming messages and she curses softly as she realizes she forgot to redirect all messages back to her terminal last night. Expecting more tedious requests she sucked in a breath as she opened a message from her first officer.

<From: Commander S'chn T'gai Spock 

To: Captain J.T Kirk

  
  Captain, as you have agreed to meet me later this evening to discuss your dossiers, have you perhaps given any thought as to where you would like to convene? >

 

<From: Captain J.T Kirk

To: Commander S'chn T'gai Spock

  I was thinking the observation lounge? It'll give us some semblance of privacy. I'm rather reluctant to have some poor ensign walk past and catch sight of any more questionable photos included in    those files. And I really would like to keep our future conversations regarding this topic to ourselves for now. Do you mind?

P.S I'm glad were friends now. :)

  
P.S.S that was a smiley face Spock. >

  
Jim hit send and bounced her knee up and down. _Gods, now who was eager?!_

  
She risked a glance back again and caught his gaze. His lips had pulled into a tight line and she frowned. What could she have _possibly done now_ to offend him? She groaned and Sulu turned around to ask her what was wrong. She waved her hand, dismissing his silent question. He shrugged and turned back round.  
When no other messages came in for the next five minutes, Jim thanked Yeoman Rand for the coffee and after taking a sip, promptly spat her mouthful back out into the cup, surprised at the buzzing coming from her PADD.

  
<From: Commander S'chn T'gai Spock  
To: Captain J.T Kirk

  
Captain, apologies for the delay in my message. This seems to be a reoccurring problem while I am engaged in conversation with you. Perhaps it is _I_ who should seek medical attention? Furthermore, I am concerned that you are yet again under the false impression that I would relay our personal conversations to a third party without your express permission. I hope I have now rectified this matter by taking this opportunity in correcting this assumption.

  
I shall meet you in the observation lounge at 2000 hours if this acceptable. I have a prior commitment with Lieutenant Uhura at 1800 hours.

  
Furthermore in response to your post script. I, too, am satisfied with our friendship.

  
Post Script: Captain, I am aware that this is a so called 'smiley face' an emoji used to depict a person’s emotions or physical expression through written communication. In the interests of finding common ground with one another I shall return the emoji with one I think accurately represents me.

 

:-|

 

Reaching the end of the message Jim couldn't hold it in any longer. Her laughter startled several shrieks  and a few grunts from her bridge crew and as she was reduced to a pile of giggles in her chair, she shoved a fist in her mouth, biting down on her knuckles as she blew out breaths between her teeth.

  
_Breathe! Breathe! ohmygod that was great._

  
Clearing her throat repeatedly whilst wiping at the corners of her eyes, she wouldn't tempt fate and look back at him. She couldn't or she was sure she would make a mess of her seat from laughing too much.

  
'' Keptin. Everything is good, da?''

  
''Yes, Chekov. I'm just ... having a moment.''

''Aye Keptin.''

< From: Commander S'chn T'gai Spock  
To: Captain J.T Kirk

Shall I call for Dr McCoy? >

Jim snorts as she responds.

< From: Captain J.T Kirk  
To: Commander S'chn T'gai Spock

  
Don't you bloody dare! Finding out that you do indeed have a sense of humor has not rendered me incapable of functioning.  
Smartass. >

 

Hearing their replacements appear on the bridge to cover the next shift, Jim stood from her chair and stretched. Checking the chronometer she realized she had four hours to wait before meeting with Spock. Walking towards the lift and giving a few orders to her relief she made her way to the turbo lift. She paused for a moment as she entered, catching his eye again but he shook his head a fraction to the left to indicate he would not be joining her. Jim watched him walk over to Uhura's station and she witnessed their first sneaky Vulcan kiss. _Huh... how had she not noticed that before?_

Shaking her head to stave off a sudden dip in her mood, she figured she may as well go back to her quarters and finish up the days paperwork that she had neglected to do. Reaching her quarters she stripped out of her gold dress, sighing in relief when she kicked off her boots, her toes wiggling as she claimed their freedom. She put on a pair of black jeans and shrugging on a black tank top she got herself a drink before settling in front of her desk for the long haul.

  
Time ticked by slowly, her mind turning to slush as the words blurred before her eyes and she frequently had to force her thoughts to return to the task at hand. The brown files lay stacked on her table, taunting her with vivid images of babies. Babies of all races, sizes, colors and appendages. Ears... little pointy ears to be precise.

  
_Ah Gods, this wasn't helping._

  
Checking the time for what felt like the hundredth time, she was pleasantly surprised to see that she had thirty minutes to go. Abandoning her work, she paid a visit to the fresher and combed her hair till it was shining and hanging loose just below her shoulders. Another slap to her cheeks to add color and she nodded to herself in the mirror. Not exactly classy or dressy but it certainly wasn't a date and besides - this was treading new waters. Entering into a more open friendship with her first officer was suddenly a little terrifying and equally exhilarating.  
Rushing back to her terminal she typed out a quick message to Future Spock.

  
<Hey Old Friend.

  
So this life defining friendship thing between me and Spock may just work out after all.  
'Bout damn time don't ya think?  
Speak to you soon.  
Miss you

  
Jim. >

  
She grabbed the files and clutching them tightly to her chest to avoid having someone knock them out of her hands again, she arrived at the observation lounge at exactly ten to eight. This may be the first time in her life that she could remember actually arriving early. _Ha! Jim Kirk could be punctual._  
She settled in to the three seater couch against the wall and pulling a small coffee table closer, she spread out the files in front of her, anticipation at what she might find inside making her palms slightly sweaty. She rubbed them down on her jeans and huffing out an impatient breath - 19hrs 56min the time read - she ordered another coffee to keep her occupied.

At 20:08 hours, the doors swished open and in strode her Vulcan.

  
_Bad Captain! Bad Kirk! Since when did she start referring to him as her Vulcan?_

  
''Captain, once again, I owe you an apology.'' his tone of voice even more severe than usual.

  
''Whatever for Spock?'' she asked as she made her way back over to the replicator. ''Drink Mr. Spock?''

  
''Yes. Tea please. Thank you. I must apologize for my tardiness. I was delayed for a short period of time by Lieutenant Uhura.'' he said while he took the tea from her hands and they made their way to the couch.

  
''Oh? Nothing serious I hope.''

  
''Negative. However the Lieutenant did not understand why she could not accompany me this evening and it took a substantial amount of negotiating and persuasion for me to get her to acquiesce to letting me leave. It is most peculiar. I have never seen her display such emotions.'' he said nonchalantly as he sipped his tea.

  
Jim on the other hand, heard alarm bells ringing in her head.

  
_JEALOUSY! JEALOUSY! ALERT! POSSESSIVE GIRLFRIEND!_

  
''Uh, Spock? If Uhura isn't comfortable with you being here perhaps you should....’’

  
''Negative Captain. I made arrangements to meet with you here and to offer you what little support and advice I am capable of giving. Furthermore... you are my friend.'' he ended softly and she wiggled her toes to make sure she still had feelings in her legs. Have they always been this _weak_? She patted them twice with her palms to make extra sure.

  
''Thank you. I don't ever want to put you in a situation where you would end up facing problems with Uhura, so please tell me if you want me to... well, back off. I can be a pretty _involved_ friend sometimes and it takes some getting used to.'' she rambled on until only the clinking of their cups against the table could be heard.

  
''So, shall we get started? I'm kinda excited to see what’s out there.''

  
'' Captain. Jim. May I ask you question first?''

''Shoot.''

''Pardon?''

''It means yes, Spock.''

''I see. Very well. Have you considered that you may lose your command? I have estimated that there is a sixty-four point five percent chance that the Admiralty will remove you under the guise that the Enterprise is no place for an expectant mother. I am concerned that, should this come to pass... I will no longer be able to serve under you.''

She giggled at the end there. She couldn't help it.

''Spock... yes I have thought about all of that. And luckily I have a bit of pull with a few admirals here and there and a sneaky old Vulcan that happens to be sitting on the Vulcan council. I won’t lose my ship if I can help it. Obviously, if it comes down to it I'll leave, but not before I fight tooth and nail for my captaincy first.''

''You speak to my counterpart often?''

''Yeah, at least a few times a week. Just short messages here and there. Don't you?''

''No.''

''Ah. Not much of a fan of your other self I see.''

''We are not the same person Captain and if Vulcan's had the ability to be insulted, you would surely be the first to find out, if you continue to compare us.''

''Noted. I won’t mention him again. I'm sorry.''

''I accept your apology.''

Kicking off her shoes and tucking her bare feet up underneath her she picked up the first file and taking a deep breath opened it.

''Captain I cannot see from this position. Might I move closer?''

She blinked at him and rather than making him move, she crawled over to the middle cushion and placed the file half over her lap and half over his.  
She tried to ignore how close she was sitting to him, his body barely moving with each breath and she found herself subconsciously breathing along with him until she felt light headed. She shook her head at her silliness. _God, he smelled divine. What was that? Would it be rude to ask him? Yeah, probably she mused._

Dragging her attention back to the file she looked down at the red headed human from before. She hummed as she read a bit more about his background. Grandmother had cervical cancer but no other known diseases. It was surprisingly lacking in detail. She frowned.

''Jim, from your expression, you are not pleased with this candidate. I see this human male as an adequate donor. He is clearly intelligent; his health has been exemplary since birth apart from the occasional bout of nasopharyngitis. I do not see why you are you so dissatisfied?''

''Naso-what-now?''

''The common cold, Jim.''

''Ah. No, it’s not anything in his profile that bothers me; it's what isn't in there that worries me. For example, have you noticed that I fidget with my hair a lot when I'm nervous or over thinking something?''

''I have upon occasion witnessed this.''

''My mom did it. My grandmother apparently did it. Hell, for all I know my dad used to run his hands through his hair in the same manner. It's like I was born with this trait. What if my child ends up a chronic butt-scratcher because of some latent inbred knowledge passed on by the father?''

At his wide eyed look she collapsed against the back of the couch laughing.

''Chronic butt-scratcher, Captain? I do not believe that is a genuine condition.''

''No, I know Spock. I'm just trying to get my point across by exaggerating. OK, then. Hmm... When I picture you with a child, I always picture your son your daughter with their hands clasped behind their backs. Or how you tilt your head to side when you ask a question you find difficult. I can’t quite explain any better than that I'm afraid.''

''I see. I have not thought too deeply about the matter of procreating as I am currently unbonded.''

''Yeah, but you and Uhura will sort that out in time.'' she patted him on the arm absentmindedly.

''As you say.''

''I'll put this one in the 'maybe' pile.''

The next file she picked up showed an Acamarian male. The knobbly indentations on his forehead made him appear intimidating and powerful. Surprisingly he had left his clan to find a more peaceful way to live life and believed that children should be shared - just like joy. She couldn't help snorting as she read his bio. Yeah, there was technically nothing wrong with this one either but still...

''Jim, Acamarians are known to be hostile and aggressive. However, approximately two years ago their clans split becoming two factions who are constantly at odds with one another. The Lornaks believe in purity and would not take kindly to hearing about a hybrid child. There was a major political backlash when they kidnapped the last known hybrids and had them executed before they could be rescued. Your child could face potential danger for most of its life.''

''Wow, okay. I definitely don't want my kid to be hated by half of its race. That would suck. I would hate for my child to think of itself as strange or live their life being called a half-breed.'' she tsked in disgust as she slapped the file closed.

''Indeed. It is...not a pleasant way to live ones childhood.'' he said and something in his voice made her tilt her head up at him, before realizing what the problem was.

''Gods, Spock I'm sorry - I didn't even think. You... felt like that?''

''My mother was an amazing woman who always accepted me. I have her to thank for making my childhood as tolerable as it could have possibly been.''

''I grieve with thee.'' she said in passable Vulcan and he looked at her with a tilted eyebrow.

''Chaya t'not, Jim. I see you have acquired more knowledge from my counterpart than you have let on.''

''I originally I wanted you to teach me but we never seemed to have the time. So I asked your counterpart to teach me a few things. Old Spock has a talented tongue.''

At his continued stare she clicked on.

''Oh God, no. That came out wrong. I meant, he's a good teacher when it comes to languages!'' she mumbled into her knees, pulling them tighter against her chest. When she ventured to look at him again she could see his lip twitching at the corner in what she would assume would be the most breath taking smile if he ever allowed it to become one.

''You're laughing at me aren't you?''

''Negative. I am simply employing a tactic human’s use - called 'teasing'.'' she stuck out her tongue in response.

Her arm brushed his as he leaned down to pick up the next file and she checked her shields automatically. She noticed that he seemed puzzled by the lack of thoughts invading his mind through that accidental touch, opening his mouth to perhaps ask her why that was. Jim sighed softly in relief when he obviously decided to let the matter drop.

Ah, this one was a straight up no. Klingon. No way. She shut the file straight away, scooted it to the end of table and swore that she would shred it at as soon as she was able.

''Should I dare ask?'' Spock queried and she huffed.

''Spock, not to toot my own horn here, but I'm kinda a big deal when it comes to Klingons. They hate me, I hate them and that's the way its gonna stay. I've been tortured, beaten and kidnapped by more Klingons than I can count throughout the last three years. Me having a Klingon's child... not gonna happen.'' a slight sneer on her face as she clicked her tongue at Bones daring to slip in a Klingon amongst her donors. Idiot.

''I believe you feel rather strongly about this, so I shall refrain from commenting and simply defer to your good judgment.'' he nodded, accepting her hate for a species like he had accepted her orders not mere hours ago on the bridge. Trivial.

Just like that her mood lifted again. Gods, it felt good being friends with Spock.

''You make a pretty good friend Spock.''

''I am gratified that you feel that way.'' his hands clasped together in his lap, twitched at the admission. Her heart stuttered for a beat at his obvious attempt to foster a friendship with her.

''Ah. Captain. I believe you may want to add this particular file to the ones you are disregarding.'' He says as his mood relays just how stormy his thoughts on this one were.

''Why?'' she asks as she takes it from his hands and flicks it open. An attractive man stares back at her, all smiles, cute nose and... pointed ears?

She skims down his bio. Romulan. Huh, that was something she hadn't considered before.

''Mister Spock, why would I throw this one out? I've got nothing against Romulans in general.'' she states as she hums while reading the rest of his profile.

''Captain, the Narada...''

''Spock, the Narada was one ship, captained by a narcissistic psychopath. What he did should ensure that he does end up writhing in agony for eternity in the afterlife. If there is a god he'll see to it, but other than that one encounter... I really haven’t had much to do with Romulus or Romulans.''

''I cannot fathom it. I do not understand. I will leave the decision to you.'' he said rather pissily and she rolled her eyes.

''Well I certainly wouldn't want you to hate my kid, Spock.'' she grumbles.

''Captain, I would never... I could never...'' he starts and stops and she holds up her hands, palms up to try and defuse the situation.

''Spock, for you, it's a deeply, deeply personal thing. I completely understand where you're coming from. So can we agree to disagree on this one?'' He holds her gaze a moment before nodding.

''Thank you.'' She watches him narrow his eyes as she creates an entirely new pile. The YES pile.

''Okay, we'll go through one more and call it a night, yeah?'' he nods again and she laughs as he folds his arms across his chest. Someone was in a mood.

''Oh, would’ ya look at this? This is a Vulcan!'' she coos and in her excitement she sits up on her knees lifting the file completely up and out of his line of sight. She hmm's and aaah's at his profile and only when she feels a distinct prod on her knee did she realizes that she was practically jumping on the couch.

''Ah, shit Spock. Did I bump into you too much?''

''Negative. Captain, why are you so... enthusiastic... about this candidate?''

And that set her off as she jumped from the couch to the floor and started to pace. Cue a _ten minute_ rant of her listing all the things she found wonderful about Vulcans. Their strength, intelligence, loyalty, language, logic, beliefs, values, traditions and most importantly their ears!

When she had stopped to take a breath she turned to face him to get his opinion.

She had never in her life _seen_ such a green Vulcan.

  
Everywhere. Starting from the tips of those delectable ears, across the bridge of his nose, spread across his cheekbones, all the way down ending on the skin on his hands - were covered in what she now realized was a blush.

To see such a visible, emotional reaction from him must have somehow caused a chain reaction -as well as a short circuit in her brain- as she felt a coinciding red spread all over her skin. She was aware her mouth was opening and closing and yet nothing was coming out.

He stood abruptly and walked directly in front of her.

''I believe that we have discussed the topic at length tonight. We can reconvene at a later time. I bid you goodnight Captain.''

She stepped left.

He stepped left.

He stepped right.

She stepped right.

Having completed a circle around one another, someone groaned and closed their eyes.

He fled.

When she opened them she was alone in the room.

***********************************************************************  
''Bones... Bones! Wake up. Come on.'' she shakes him back and forth on the bed by the shoulders, ducking when he takes a swing in his sleepy state.

  
''S'time?'' he mumbled into his pillow.

''Just gone past six. Get up. I need to talk to you.'' she frantically shakes him again and this time he purposefully swings at her before crooking his arm behind her neck and pulling her down on to the bed with him.

''Five more minutes.''

''No.. Mmph... no, stop smothering me with your pillow Bones.

''Ugh, kid. What could possibly be so damn urgent this early in the mornin'? I don’t hear no alarms.''

She rolls off the bed and drags him up, huffing and puffing when he resists. She keeps an impatient eye on him as he shrugs on his clothes, not bothered in the slightest at seeing him in hisunderwear and taps her foot.

Making their way to the mess, she's thankful it’s quiet so she drags him to the queue for the replicator and orders them both breakfast. Bones rubs his bleary eyes and she can hear how his stubble scrapes against his hands as he continues to rub himself awake.

''So why are you dragging me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn when you know I’m not on duty for another three hours?''

She takes a deep breath and stares at him.

''ITHINKIMAYHAVETOLDSPOCKIWANTHISBABY'' she blurts out and she see him blink twice before shaking his head.

He takes a sip of his orange juice, purses his lips and shakes his head again.

''Darlin', I'm sure I heard that wrong. Say it again. Slowly this time.''

Taking another deep breath - before she opens her mouth he kicks her in the shin, the gust of air she had been holding whooshing out of her in shock.

''I may have ended up indirectly telling Spock I think we would make beautiful babies together.''

'' _Good_ _lord!_ '' he shouts and his hands are waving in the air as he stutters and curses.

Jim bangs her head on the table twice, before noticing that the mess was filling up with people and that she was drawing attention to herself.

''Finish your food. This is no place for this conversation. We are going to my office and I am going to find a hypo from _somewhere_ to try and cure you of your _idiocy_!''

They eat. He grabs her arm. Off they go to sickbay.

************************************************************  
Spock stood outside his quarters, intending to head straight to the bridge as per the norm when suddenly his eidetic memory chooses that particular moment, to replay his Captains impassioned speech about her love for all things Vulcan - in perfect startling clarity, in his mind’s eye.

This is problematic.

It is now the thirty-fourth time this morning since he had awoken that his mind had supplied him with this information. Each and every time, he had felt his blood pressure rise, his heart stutter and his stomach clench in a myriad of dare he say it... emotions.

Obviously he was struggling from as of yet undiagnosed heart condition or never before discovered disease.

Vulcans could control every aspect of their bodily functions -from digestion, to heart rate, to temperature - for him to experience such loss of control, points to a medical condition that he was determined to uncover. The green pigmentation of his skin, naturally comes from the color of his blood, however he could not fathom why it would... _spread_.

Was this an accompanying rash to his heart condition?

How does his Captains speech correlate with his symptoms? Illogical. It was not the captain’s fault that he had yet again lost control. Or that he was ill.

He would need to apologize to her again for the abruptness of his departure the previous night; however at that particular moment in time, he was certain that he was in fact a few heart beats away from suffering from a myocardial infarction.

A heart attack was not a satisfactory way to start their friendship.

He loathed the thought of asking anything from the CMO. However - as he did not study in the field of medicine - he would concede to logic and enquire if he could have a full examination to rectify this sudden issue.

He walked to medbay with purpose.

Outside the doctor’s office he paused when he heard the doctors voice.

'Why in _god’s name_ , do you want a Vulcan child? Or should I ask why you suddenly want _Spock's_ child?' the doctor asks.

'' Hey! I didn’t say that... I just said that last night I kinda let slip that I would prefer to have a _Vulcan child_ over any other other type out there.'' the captain says sulkily.

His hand comes up to his gut. _Curious_. It was clenching. Why?

''Well forget about it darlin'. He's marrying Uhura so there will be no little hobgoblins runnin’ around unless he has them with her or you choose another Vulcan donor.''

Spock gulps in air. Suddenly wondering if Engineer Scott had taken to tampering with the air filtration system. It seemed too thin.

''Don't pout darlin'. It aint gonna happen.'' he hears the doctor again.

''Yeah, I know. But you gotta admit Bones. Spock and I would make really beautiful, logical babies.'' he hears her say with a sigh.

''It's Spock, for goodness sake! Out of all the males in the world you could choose from, why him? Lord, I need a drink.'' the doctor curses and Spock hears a bang of desk drawer.

''I don't know Bones. I just... I think he's perfect the way he is and anyone would - should- be _eternally damned_ grateful to have him as the father to their kids.'' she counters and another bang could be heard.

''And those ears of his are adorable.''

Spock turned and left the way he came.

To the bridge.

To duty.

Yes, he had duties to attend to.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my f**k, talk about writers block on this one. Words,people... words are ellusive little bastards that stick to my tongue and clog my throat. Get them out of me please. 
> 
> Not a hundred percent happy with this one..

Meditation he concluded... was useless.

His mind, so accustomed to the order and peace which once ruled therein, now raged and whirled in a torrent of confusion and chaos. The utter absurdity of his captain stating that she wants him, preferably over all others, to reproduce with has left him and his _thirty-two years_ of Vulcan training in absolute tatters. He grunts in frustration in the privacy of his rooms as he once again attempts to enter the deeper states of meditation where he may observe and examine each train of thought without emotion attached. His asenoi burns brightly in the corner – lemon and ginger incense filling his senses as he breathes deeply.

He centres himself once more, legs bent in the traditional kneeling position, palms up on his knees. He has not struggled to meditate to this extent since he witnessed his captain’s early demise at the indirect hands of Khan. For weeks he had trembled, he had lost his appetite and only when he sought the aid of a mind healer did he regain his equilibrium. Nyota had been the only anchor in the storm which had unravelled inside of him while he waited for his captain’s strength and health to return. He closed his eyes and purposefully slowed down his breathing. Reaching the inner depths of his mind inside of meditation, he followed his first errant thought.

_Children._

While he considered children necessary, especially since the destruction of Vulcan, he could not in all honesty say that he had ever desired any. His childhood had by no means been the worst. Children were cruel and unthinking and verbal abuse was common due to his hybrid status. Apart from one minor altercation with another student, he had weathered the names, the accusations and the occasional physical harm afflicted upon him due to their prejudice. No, his childhood was perfectly acceptable compared to others. However, he still did not think that a child of his should experience this or even have the opportunity to do so. Which was why Nyota was the perfect mate for him. Logically speaking of course.

She was dedicated to her career and in turn, just as dedicated to their relationship. To him. Nyota’s intelligence was refreshing. Conversation never ran dry, their love for music and languages keeping them debating for countless hours. Sexual relations between them were satisfactory, both of them giving and receiving pleasure and comfort when necessary. The topic of children had only arisen once. Nyota had of course informed him from the start that she was unable to provide him with offspring as she was exposed to elements whilst in her mother’s womb which had rendered her barren. This has never been a cause to cease relations with her and his parents had accepted this when he explained the matter to them.

This train of thought naturally derailed into how he … felt about even thinking of the possibility of impregnating Jim. He was foolishly and illogically … _pleased_ that she had selected him above all others. The fact that she had asked the doctor first was irrelevant he decided. She was, after all, rather emotionally attached to the doctor and therefore it was logical that he would be her first option. In any event, the doctor had declined, making Spock her second best option.

The option that she clearly preferred.

Now that he and his captain were attempting to deepen their friendship… truthfully he found he was hard pressed to deny her _anything_ she asked of him. This fact alone disturbed him. He was deeply concerned and rather irritated that she worked, breathed, lived and nearly died on a weekly basis since their five year mission began, under the false assumption that he did not consider her a friend. He had claimed her as one as he sat watching her die behind that infernal glass wall. He mentally shrugged away that thought – _irrelevant._ He had dealt with these emotions and rectified the issue already.

How did he feel about his captain?

She was . . . a force to be reckoned with. Charming in her finest moments, petulant and stubborn at her worst. Illogical at every turn, yet wise enough to reconsider her course of actions. Proud of her accomplishments, yet humble when praised for them. She was a conundrum that vexed him daily if not hourly. She was argumentative yet understanding, loyal to a fault and yet … she would sever all ties if you crossed a line which he had thankfully yet to cross. To mix himself, his essence, with her, to provide her with what she secretly craved but would never voice out loud to him, made him pause as he tapped deeper into his mind. His imagination as a Vulcan had been considered of no use in his years of training and had been mostly disregarded as he aged. Preferring facts, statistics and logic, he had never once attempted a ‘what if’ scenario inside the confines of his mind as humans often do. He allowed himself this one moment to imagine.

A child.

His and Jim’s child.

A child with dark hair- perhaps ringlets which would frame it's face, ocean blue eyes, perhaps freckles on the bridge of its nose or cheeks. A smile that widened as he picked it up and cradled the small figure in his arms. Laughter that sounded like water trickling over cobbled rocks, light and airy. Impossibly tiny hands that stretched up to him and clasped around his neck. Rounded cheeks from which he would wipe away tears and a soft small forehead to bestow a kiss upon when they slumbered. His captains… no, Jim’s compassion - her magnetism and enthusiasm for all things - shining brightly within the child’s soul.

His heartbeat surged, emotions he had not felt since his mother’s passing crested over him. A profound human emotion of _longing and want_ , utterly unseemly and inappropriate for a Vulcan. He forced himself to wave away the image of their child, his mind trembling as he pushed the emotions back behind the veil he had erected. He should not even be contemplating this! His intended would never agree to this. Nyota had never denied him anything throughout their courtship, she accepted him for who he was.

He could not do this to her.

He would not do this to her.

The captain would have to look elsewhere – perhaps his counterpart would … he sucked in a breath as an emotion he had not felt since his younger years made itself apparent. His stomach clenching as he felt a fire within his veins, a slight tinge of nausea making him grind his teeth in annoyance. Jealousy was not something that he was accustomed to. No, his counterpart was a completely unacceptable choice, as she would essentially still be giving birth to his children. He may vary and differ from Elder Spock in his experiences through life; however their DNA was identical down to the last living cell in their bodies. He could not allow this to happen. The thought of his captain and his counterpart producing offspring was somehow intolerable to him. Jealousy he reflected - opened up a path inside himself he now recognised as pettiness and cruelty.

Why was he tapping into these long unexplored parts of himself?

These emotions were illogical and served no purpose. Not once in his courtship with Nyota had he encountered a need to be jealous and she had never given him a reason to be. The betrothal link he had painstakingly placed by himself between them was too weak at this stage to transmit any emotions - never mind thoughts- a fact for which he was suddenly grateful, considering the state he currently found himself in. His mind skipped again to his body’s reaction, elicited by his captain the previous evening. Having spent his shift researching his symptoms and studiously avoiding any and all personal interaction with his captain - he was at a loss as to how to proceed.

Idiopathic craniofacial erythema is a medical condition whereby a person may blush strongly with little or no provocation, however as the symptoms only occur when he replays specific memories, he is reluctant to diagnose himself with this alarming affliction. Blushing he realised is common for humans who feel either extremely flattered or extremely humiliated. He grudgingly admits that it was not the latter which left him with this condition but rather the former.

This was absolutely pointless he mused as he came out of his meditation for the third time this evening. His thoughts would not organise themselves. Flitting from one to the other and back with such speed and irregularity he could no longer pinpoint _why_ it was that he initially needed to meditate! He cursed as he stood, allowing himself a moment to sigh and regulate his circulation down to his legs, to ward off any numbness. He disrobed from his meditation garb and dressed himself into his uniform, extinguishing the flames from the asenoi. He had no plans to meet with his intended tonight for fear of confessing to all that plagued him and thereby damaging their relationship.

His subconscious chimed in that the real reason was that he would rather die than break his captain’s confidence – no, his friends’ - Jim’s confidence - by telling anyone of her wishes.

He did not know how to act. He would need to meditate further on this.

********************************************  
Two weeks later  
********************************************

She was tapping. Furiously.

She was tapping the holy hell out of her foot on the floor as she chewed on her food. Something was up with Spock. No, she was adamant that something was up with Spock. For all their friendly bonding they did that night – he was so cold towards her during their shifts these last two weeks that she was sure she could’ve hung meat from those pointy ears of his. She had tried hopelessly to ask him his opinion on more candidates or to draw him out of his shell with gentle teasing but … nothing.

It was goddamn infuriating.

The mess hall was buzzing with conversation and yet the sound her foot made tapping on that floor seemed to drown out all other surrounding sounds to her ears. The only thing she could think of as to why Spock was suddenly giving her the cold shoulder was perhaps that Uhura had said something or she had insulted him that night with her little speech. Okay, so maybe ‘little speech’ was pushing it. More like a tidal wave of adoration for him and his species. She brushed away the sudden urge to head bang the table in frustration, instead letting out a sigh before picking up her tray. It was rare that she was alone in the mess, Bones being tied up in his work made eating a solemn affair. She contemplated seeking him out to have a good old fashioned bitching session about Spock’s latest attitude, but she figured she’d already given him enough grey hairs with her latest revelation.  
Having gotten rid of her tray she looked around the mess at the crew she was responsible for, her pride getting the better of her as she felt her chest swell. If she thought about… it was like she already had kids. Hundreds of them really. And yet… she still felt lonely.

‘’Bridge to Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk please respond.’’

‘’Kirk here.’’ She replied to Uhura, taking the chance to lean against the wall by the intercom.

‘’Captain, we have an incoming transmission from Starfleet command. Admiral Pike has new orders.’’

'‘Pipe him down to my quarters Lieutenant. Kirk out.’

Wondering what milk run she was being sent on now, she briefly wondered whether she should comm Spock to sit in on the briefing… but she was still a tad pissed with him for ignoring her these last two weeks. Naturally if it was important she would bring him in but until then he could sit and spin she thought, adding a metaphorical middle finger in her head. Reaching her quarters, she opened her terminal and connected to Admiral Pike.

‘’Ah, Captain Kirk. I have new orders for you. You’re not going to like this one but we need you to set a course for Borellus.’’ He said and she sighed in exasperation.

‘’Admiral, with all due respect is there no other ship in this quadrant that may be more suitable? Or, hell, perhaps someone who is more suitable for these low risk missions?’’

‘’Suck it up Kirk. Orders are orders.’’ He said with humour as he leaned back in his chair on the monitor.

‘’Fine. Give me a run down on the mission. Please. Sir.’’ She added-tactfully-with a butter-wouldn’t-melt-smile. He rolled his eyes at her insubordination.

‘’ The Callogo’s are a humanoid species, no special attributes to note except for their slightly superior strength as well as reflexes. I’ll send you more information on their biology later. However, they’re a militaristic species who pride themselves on serving their King with absolute devotion. To the death nonsense, you know the drill, ‘’ he cleared his throat while she nodded.

‘’At least that was the case up until now. We’ve recently been informed that a faction has appeared who want to overthrow their newly appointed king as he is planning to revoke one of their laws which has been in place -most likely since their civilization started. Here’s where you’re not going to like it.’’ He said severely and he took a deep breath as he skimmed down the padd he was holding.

‘’All children over the age of six are conscripted into the king’s army. These children are forcefully removed from their parents and trained to kill before they reach the age of ten. The children all live in camps and conditions … from what reports would have us believe… are deplorable. Corporal punishment is in place for those who do not excel and at worst they are executed, if they are considered untrainable. The majority of the Callogo’s are receptive to this new law to abolish child labour and conscription itself, the minority however, have reacted violently to this. Abducting children regardless and starting camps of their own, in effect starting their own personal army.’’

Jim’s foot had stopped tapping. The whirs of her monitor the only sound in the room as she stoically kept her face blank of any emotions.

‘’ Now you may think that an army of six to ten years olds doesn’t sound formidable, but most species I know would hesitate to fire upon children, so it’s not just that they are children it’s also psychological warfare that they are planning. To stop them, perhaps the children’s own parents will have to kill them.’’ Pike sighed, rubbing his forehead with two fingers. ‘’Jim, we aren’t sending you there to stop this I’m afraid. Starfleet only wants you to speak to the new ruler – as he will have the authority to grant Starfleet continued mining rights for dilithium. We already have rights to mine in place, but we need to make sure that we maintain and keep those rights. If you can somehow get them to come together without getting Starfleet involved in what could become a civil war, then do so. But top priority is to assess the situation and get the best terms for mining their planet.’’

Jim stood from her chair and placing both hands flat down on the desk, she bent over to look Pike in the eyes.

‘’Sir. This is the highest order of _bullshit_ I have ever heard. Respectfully, I ask permission to transfer this over to someone else. Preferably someone who doesn’t have a soul. Sir.’’

‘’Permission denied Captain. And watch your tone Kirk. You are a representative of Starfleet and you will follow orders or I will not be able to stop Komack from court martialling you. Are my orders understood and received?’’

She closed her eyes, knowing that if she looked at him directly her glare would cause more problems. Opening them and looking over his shoulder instead she nodded and gave a salute.

‘’Yes Sir. I will file reports accordingly when we are done.’’ She said through gritted teeth.

‘’Very well. I will send you what little information I have on their traditions, customs and so forth. Have your team read them and brief them yourself on what is expected. God knows, I don’t have it in me to give this order again. I’m sorry Jim.’’

‘’Understood Admiral. Kirk out.’’ She switched the terminal off by slapping the monitor closed.

Counting to ten didn’t seem to calm her so instead she picked up the nearest object and tossed it into the wall with only a minor snarl of anger. Her first thought while the object soared through the air was that her chess board would need replacing - as she watched the wood splinter against the metal wall.

‘’Damn it all to hell.’’ She muttered as she now bent down to collect all the scattered pieces, going prone to reach beneath the sofa for a rolling pawn. She cursed as she realised that her temper tantrum had in effect just given her more stress instead of reducing it by breaking something that she often used to relieve said stress.

‘’Commander Spock to Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk.’’ She jumped as she was signalled, the whistle startling her into bumping her head on the underside of the couch in her rush to answer the call.

‘’Kirk here, Commander.’’ She said in a clipped tone, massaging her head with one palm.

‘’Captain… is everything in order? Five point two minutes ago I heard a resounding crash coming from your quarters.’’

‘’It’s fine Mister Spock. We have new orders. Inform Lieutenant Sulu to set course for Borellus. Warp four. Kindly commission a staff meeting with the head of all departments for oh eight hundred tomorrow morning where I

will brief them. Kirk out.’’

The whistle chimed again and she groaned.

‘’Captain Kirk. Might a request a moment of your time?’’ his deep voice queried and she clamped down on an involuntary shiver.

 _Ha! Now he wanted to talk_ she thought unkindly, snorting as she slammed her hand down on the intercom.

‘’Request denied Mister Spock. I will brief you in the morning. Kirk out.’’

Ok, so maybe she wasn’t being very _‘captainly’_ with her current behaviour but dammit all, she wasn’t one of those women who just forgave someone instantly after being ignored. She was sick of the constant back and forth ebb of his non-emotions and just wanted some peace from the stress of _trying_ to be his friend. Flopping onto her bed, she reached over to her nightstand to pick up the Romulan candidates’ photo. She would speak to Bones after the mission and get his opinion, find out how quickly they could get everything started. She placed the folder back on the table and commanding the computer to dim the lights to five percent, closed her eyes and promptly decided to forget the universe and all its problems by going to sleep early for a change.

She would somehow force herself to not think about the thousands of children she wasn’t allowed to save… tomorrow.

*****************************************************

To say that her heads of department were in an uproar was a gross understatement. Only one person in the entire room kept calm and didn’t join in on the backwards and forwards arguing and shouting currently going on. Slamming a hand down on the table to get everyone’s attention, Jim pinched the bridge of her nose and shut her eyes.

‘’Guys, I get it. This mission is going to be tough on everyone but you know the score. We do what’s best for Starfleet and this time round its turning a blind eye to whatever is happening down there.’’

‘’It is not right Keptin. We should do something da? We cannot sit and simply do nothing.’’

She looked at her young navigator regretting that he had to be part of something like this.

‘’Chekov, you heard the Captain. We need to get that dilithium.’’ Scotty said with a sad shake of his head at the situation.

‘’Now hold on a damn minute! I’m a doctor! I can’t in good conscience go down to that hellhole and walk past children who need medical attention without going back on every oath I took.’’

‘’Bones, this is exactly why I’ve decided to leave you on the ship.’’ Jim said not looking at her friend as he went red in the face with anger.

‘’By god Jim, you shouldn’t be going down there either! Not after…’’

‘’Shut it Dr McCoy. Your concerns on this matter have been noted and consequently dismissed.’’ She spat. She didn’t need to be coddled, not after all these years. Tarsus was a long, long time ago.

‘’Captain, to what is the doctor referring? If this mission carries the possibility of emotionally compromising you perhaps it would be best if I led the team …’’

‘’No Mister Spock. That’s final. I will be going down and you’re free to join me, along with Scotty and Hendorff. This discussion is over. We will reach Borellus within in the next two hours. You all know your duties so I suggest you get on with them.’’ She spoke loudly, authority radiating from her stiff shoulders.

‘’Captain, do you have need of the linguistics team for this mission?’’ Uhura asked and Jim spared a moment to shake her head no.

‘’We just needed to inform all department heads about the situation so that, in the event that we are invited down for a short furlough, no one will end up putting their foot in their mouth and offending our.. hosts.’

’ ‘’Aye Captain.’’ they all chorused.

‘’Dismissed everyone. Scotty meet me in the transporter room in two.’’

‘’Aye Sir.’’ The room cleared out rather quick, tension running high and tempers flaring.

‘’Bones, seriously, just don’t even go there.’’ She said when she felt a presence behind her.

‘’I apologise Captain. I am simply concerned…’’

‘’Spock, you can’t try to be my friend one day and the brush me off the next. Look, I don’t know what I did wrong and I’m sorry. But honestly, I’m getting sick of always apologising for doing things or saying stuff that I think may have offended you. So please… either be my friend or leave.’’ She said as she stood up, intending to leave the room herself.

‘’Jim.’’

She turned to look at him, his hands once again clasped behind his back as he stared somewhere over her shoulder, a slight twitch in his cheek she assumed came from trying not to grind his teeth.

‘’I’ll see you in the transporter room in two hours. Assuming that you’re coming of course?’’ He nodded, an eyebrow arching, practically screaming ‘as if I would let you go alone’ and before he could open his mouth to further question her, she left the room.

**************************************************

_It was disturbing._

Very much so in fact that Spock had to uncharacteristically pause a moment to fully grasp what it was that he was seeing. Having beamed down to the coordinates given, their small team of six had arrived and had been greeted by two lines of … children. All armed. All of them with vacant expressions on their faces. Clad in ceremonial garb of reds and golds, embroidered with silver, their weapons held closely to their tiny chests. Standing so still and emotionless, his Vulcan brain couldn’t help but compare them to his own species.

He looked over at his captain, noticing the frown lines on her forehead deepen the longer she watched the children. Some sort of emotion he could not name passing over her eyes before she caught his gaze. He watched her suck in a deep breath and suddenly he marvelled at how she transformed into a confident care free woman.

‘’Welcome to Borellus, Captain Kirk. My name is Ja’arl.’’ An aid spoke from somewhere to his left and he watched the man approach her. He felt tempted to stand closer, his instinct to mistrust strangers around her dominating his thoughts. From his confident introduction, Spock surmised that he held a position of power within the Kings court.

‘’It’s a pleasure to meet you Sir.’’ His captain lied, her smile was visible and forced and yet to the untrained eye looked as if though she was welcoming you wholeheartedly.

‘’Our King has requested that you join him for lunch. Please follow me.’’ He bowed slightly as his arm extended, gesturing for her to follow him.

Being led through halls and narrow corridors flanked on both sides by children carrying weapons, set the landing party on edge, everyone shuffling nervously and flicking their eyes over their shoulders to keep an eye out for trouble. The team encircled their captain and Spock nodded internally, pleased that he was not the only one who considered her life more valuable and important than anyone else’s. Large double doors opened leading to a banquet hall, glamorously decorated and the King rose from the head of the overly long dining table as they approached. A handsome man by conventional standards, straight nose and teeth, dark-black almost curly hair framing his face with green eyes… yes, woman would certainly call this humanoid aesthetically pleasing.

Spock frowned upon this realisation.

The Kings chestnut brown skin gleamed from what Spock assumed was covered with the finest oils and fragrances this planet had to offer and as he clapped his hands together - six youngsters rushed out from their posts to pull the chairs back, allowing the crew to be seated at the table. Spock took the seat opposite his captain, to better observe her and their surroundings.

‘’Your Highness, we are honoured to be here. ‘’ his captain said and she bowed her head in acknowledgement as she took her seat.

‘’Ah, my dear Captain. Word of your beauty has not been exaggerated I see. I am humbled to have such a well-known, beautiful star ship captain in my home.’’ He said as he took her hand from the table, proceeding to kiss it softly in greeting. Spock watched her mouth tilt slightly upwards at the corner. A real smile threatening to appear. Spock stiffened in his seat, eyebrows downcast in what could definitely be interpreted as a scowl to those who knew him best.

This was troublesome.

While his captain was by no means promiscuous, she did however engage in coitus with those that she took a particular liking to. Considering that the King was looking into abolishing conscription and freeing children from slavery, he would have to keep an extra eye on his captain as this humanoid male would surely appeal to her in various, inconceivable ways. He could not allow her to jeopardise this mission just to satisfy her sexual needs. Moving his chair back deliberately, the scraping of the steel on the wooden flooring jarring the captain hands out of the King’s at the sound, she looked over to him in confusion.  
She must know him well enough by now to know that he could go hours without moving a single muscle. She arched her own eyebrow in question. He ignored her. Hearing a small huff come from her, she removed her hand completely and placed them folded in her lap as she faced the King.

‘’Thank you, your Highness. You flatter me.’’

‘’My dear, I may be looked upon as young and inexperienced by most of my small council, but I assure you… I always mean what I say down to the last letter. Now then, we will proceed to eat and after we can discuss all this nasty business that led you down here in the first place.’’ He took his seat back at the head of the table.

Lunch was surprisingly a pleasant affair. The King regaling story after story to the captain, who seemed to have lost the earlier tension she had been carrying the more she listened to him, her eyes lighting up when shelaughed or gestured with her hands as she spoke to him. Yes, lunch was pleasant.

Not for him though.

The king had had his seat moved right next to Jim and the two of them were bent over a datapad, heads bent together while they conversed. She laughed when he whispered something into her ear. Unaccustomed to feeling this agitated he reached for the goblet of water, hoping the coolness of the drink would quench his thirst and relax him. He watched his captain display the well-known signals that she was attracted to a male.

Brushing her hair behind her ears, while leaning with one arm on the table, her chin cupped in her hand, her body faced towards him, legs pointing in his direction.

A small flick of her pink tongue at her bottom lip… body language never lied.

‘’Captain, I do believe that we should ascertain where we stand in regards to our contract.’’ He spoke, pulling her attention away from the king.

‘’Of course Mr Spock. My apologies everyone. The captain has a brilliant mind and she has given me many new thoughts on various sensitive subjects, which my small council have been less than eager to discuss with me.

Satisfied that he had gotten their meeting back on schedule, Spock couldn’t help but notice how his Captain was glaring at him. He allowed himself a small shrug in her direction before looking away. As negotiations took place, the King all but promising the moons in the sky in the deal, the day wore on until finally Captain Kirk decided that she had had enough.

‘’Your Highness, thank you for your hospitality. My crew and I will return tomorrow to discuss this further.''

‘’Captain, my dear. Jim. Would you not perhaps consider spending the night here? We have more than enough rooms for you and your crew. Of course any shore leave your crew may require could be spent here planetside. We have excellent facilities that host a variety of entertainment.’’ The king asked and Spock noted how he gravitated towards Jim as he spoke.

‘’Thank you; my crew would appreciate the break. Until tomorrow then.’’ She smiled at him again as he kissed her hand once more.

Spock stepped up behind his captain and with a finger upon her elbow moved her in the direction they were being showed and nodded curtly to king who looked disappointed for some reason. Stifling a sigh of relief, he led his Captain out of the great hall, Scotty muttering under his breath about the lack of results the talks had brought on.

‘’Captain, lass… beggin' yer pardon, but perhaps tomorrow, well.. cannae we not skip the pleasantries. I’m eager to be gettin’ back to my lady. Engineerin’ cannae function without me.’’

Jim snorted at Scotty’s ego and she fell back from Spock, who relinquished his one finger-hold on her to allow it and then promptly fell back in line with her as well, matching her strides.

‘’Sure Scotty, we’ll wrap this up and get you back where you belong. I assume you’ll be spending the night here?’’ At his reluctant nod she waved her hand and let him get on with his grumbling.

The walk to their temporary quarters over, they discovered they would thankfully have adjoining rooms. Scotty tipped his imaginary hat and left them out in the corridor. Ja’arl stepped close to his Captain, a smile plastered on his wrinkly face, the whiskers of his moustache seeming to bounce as the smile widened into a grin.

‘’Captain, I must say, the King seems quite taken with you. He has many consorts who hold his favour of course, but none seem to have captured his interest as much as you have. We would welcome such a strong female into our court should you ever tire of the stars.’’

Spock’s eyes narrowed dangerously as the aid invaded Jim’s space again, her hands now being pulled to his lips, Ja’arl lingering over them once he had kissed them. He arched his brow when his Captain remained silent.

‘’Goodnight Captain, Commander.’’ With that, the aid left and he watched a shiver travel over his captain’s form.

‘’Captain, I apologise, while I would have intervened when he invaded your personal space, I restrained myself due to the nature of our visit here.’’ He said and she looked up at him.

‘’Yeah, no worries Spock. That guy is creepy as hell. Smells like mothballs and aloe. Ugh, yuk… I feel like I need a decontamination shower.’’ she said while wiping her hand down her command gold dress.

‘’If I may Captain… if you desisted in your romantic advances towards the King, he may in turn desist propositioning you, in his King’s name.’’ he said a touch sarcastically.

He watched her mouth fall open and the same discolouration of the skin he had witnessed that night two weeks ago make a reappearance. A blush he realised. Due to no doubt being humiliated. He felt immediately contrite about his comment and opened his mouth to rephrase his earlier statement.

‘’No, no… Mister Spock, you can’t take that back now. I get it... I just, haven’t had someone pay me attention like that in a long time. I apologise. Thank you for pointing it. I’ll try to restrain myself tomorrow.’’ She said meekly while looking at him directly. He nodded in acceptance.

Neither of them turned to their rooms, they instead lingered in the corridor until he noticed his Captain fidgeting with her hair.

‘’Jim. Is there anything in particular you would like to discuss?’’ he probed and she bit her lip.

‘’Actually, I wanted to know why you’ve been avoiding me, but now that we’re talking again, I’m not sure it’s a good thing to bring back up.’’

‘’Ah. I was not … avoiding you per se. I required extensive meditation regarding several matters. I did not want to add to your burdens by discussing them.’’ He said and she smiled at him. He felt her hand rest briefly on his bicep and the familiar squeeze of understanding.

‘’Well, as long as you’re not mad at me. I suppose that’s all I can ask for.’’

‘’Jim, have you made any decisions regarding the topic we discussed that night?’’

‘’Actually, yeah… it’s a toss-up at the moment between the Romulan and the …Vulcan.’’ She said now looking down at her shoes, seemingly finding the pattern on the carpet beyond fascinating.

‘’I-I see.’’ He murmured, frantically sending signals through the synapses in his brain and down through the rest of his body, to quell the incoming surge of mixed emotions.

‘’Yeah, well… it’s not a done deal yet.’’ She said, still scuffing her boots on the carpet.

‘’Anyway, I’m gonna head in for the night. Hit the hay so to speak.’’ Her thumbs pointing towards her room and she back peddled until she reached her door.

‘’Certainly Captain. I will see you at 0700 hours tomorrow morning.’’ He watched her leave, the doors clicking shut behind her.

Proceeding into his own quarters, he stood in the middle of the room and once again he contemplated the futility of meditation. This could not continue. He would contact his counterpart and discuss the matter with him.  
Surely there would be a logical reason for him to be experiencing so much difficulty in achieving control over himself.

*************************************************************

Jim checked the time…eleven pm planet-time and deciding that she had spent enough time going over the days conversations in her head, her reports having been filed on events thus far, that she was ready for some sleep. She padded barefoot over to the light switch on the wall, thinking it archaic but cute that their commuters could do everything but switch off their lights. She climbed into the luxurious bedding, the fluffy blankets and pillows seeming to swallow her whole. She sighed in bliss, having always wondered what it would feel like sleeping on a giant marshmallow.  
On the edges of falling asleep, a slight rustle of fabric from her right made her blink her eyes open.

A hand was placed over her mouth, a material soaked in some viscous substance and as she fought the intruder off – clawing and scratching at his wrists- she felt her mind slipping into darkness.

Her arms fell back onto the bed and she knew no more.


	5. Chapter 5

To say that things had gone to hell in a handbasket was… actually a pretty good way of explaining things if she had to be honest.

_So what if she had been strung up by her wrists from the ceiling with rope?_

_So what if there was a constant drip, drip, drip that was annoying the holy hell out of her?_

_So what if one eye had been sealed shut because one of the goons who had kidnapped her didn’t take kindly to the knee she had slammed precisely and with deadly aim, into his left testicle._

_Meh, she’s had worse_.

She still had all her clothes on for a start and now that she opened her one useable eye she could finally identify that drip, drip, drip.

Her blood had taken to crawling down the side of her face, pooling beneath her chin and dropping into a lovely smattering of red on the floor beneath her. Huh, was her blood always that dark? How long had she been here she thought to herself.

Jim lifted her head up to stare at the celling. If _anything_ it would at least stop that god awful noise. She had quirks like that, like people drumming their fingers repeatedly on a hard surface or even worse… chewing with their mouths open. Yeah, she _really, really_ hated that.

Okay. So her priorities were a bit screwy right now and escaping wasn’t exactly at the forefront of her mind. She should be figuring out how to escape, how to contact Spock and then proceed to kick the ever loving shit out of her abductors … she just somehow couldn’t think of anything.

When she heard footsteps approaching her cell – which she now noticed was nothing more than a dark hole in the ground with a door – she almost thanked him when he walked in for snapping her out of her funk of ‘I-really-can’t-be-arsed-with-this-anymore-today’. She saw goon one walk in, weapon holstered away and his face showing just how much he craved to get rid of her for good.

Ah, maybe she should ask if he was still capable of having children. It was the polite thing to do after all. She really doubted it though, after the knee incident.

‘’Human, I see you are finally awake.’’

‘’How very perceptive of you.’’ She snarked and was rewarded by a slap that had her eyes rolling back in her head. She tongued her lower lip, the taste of blood fresh for a change.

‘’You would do well to remember who’s in charge here, human. You might be able to take a beating like a man but I can promise you that if you don’t behave when you meet our leader, things will be done to you, that you will never recover from.’’

Jim restrained her immense urge to eye roll at this bastard and his blah blah blah. I mean, come on, she had been in this situation so many times that she had actually lost count.

_Hey, she should ask Spock. He would know! Down to the last decimal place no doubt._

‘’Oh yeah? And where is this illustrious leader of yours? Why don’t you bring him in so that the grown-ups can talk, little guy?’’

_SLAP_

‘’You know, that’s getting really old… and boring.’’ She said now spitting blood directly at his feet. She smiled as she rolled her head in the minimal space between her arms.

‘’You will come to regret this‘’ he walked back to the door and stood perfectly at attention to the side as another larger man walked into her cell. ‘’Behave yourself.’’

A wave of black hair was the first thing she noticed, long curly locks, reaching to just above his hips. His eyes a mixture of orange and red – his face small and almost feminine in its beauty. He held his hands in front of him as if in greeting as he approached her.

‘’Fa’nor, I see you have been heavy handed with our guest again. How do you expect us to converse if you have rattled her brains around to the point where she cannot speak?’’ he tutted in a silky rich voice and Jim closed her eyes. Ah, a good cop routine was imminent.

_Spare me…_

‘’Captain Kirk, while I cannot and will not apologise for your current situation, I do … regret the physical damage that has been inflicted upon such a beauty such as you.’’

‘’Yeah, well if you feel so bad, cut me down and let me go.’’ She quipped and he shook his head. He stepped closer to her and cupped her face, his hand soft, almost gentle until she snapped her head to the side intending to bite the first digit that came near her mouth. His hand flew back and his eyes widened before a small smile graced his lips.

‘’Come now Captain, we have tried to do this with the least amount of effort and blood spilled. Two days of beatings and still you will not comply? I am disappointed. I was told that your negotiation skills were incredible to witness.’’

‘’How in the hell is this a negotiation? I won’t give you what you want so you tie me up like a dog? Screw you.’’ She spat purposefully this time, flecks of saliva and blood landing in spots on his white shirt.

He wiped down her blood with a handkerchief, the ruffles of his once pristine shirt flattening, drooping like wilted flowers.

‘’I really liked this shirt.’’ He sighed before he himself back-handed her.

‘’Give the order Captain, or you will die. And painfully if needs be. All we need is for all phasers aboard your ship to be transported to a location of our choosing. A coup, you see, doesn’t last very long or go very well without proper weaponry.’’

‘’Ha! You are out of your _mind_!Phasers? really? No Starfleet codes, no confidential information… you just want a bunch of guns? Ridiculous!’’

She laughed long and loud at him as he circled her; he stood before her again and motioned to the guard as he stepped to her side. Goon one quickly came up to her and with a one –two- three movement delivered swift, hard, bone breaking punches to her abdomen. Jim wheezed as her body caved in on itself, she had stopped laughing – for now at least - but if past experiences had taught her anything, it was to never show weakness.

_So what if she heard a few ribs crack in the process?_

‘’Captain Kirk, I do not care for your codes of interplanetary security. I do not care for secrets from other worlds, or knowledge of technology that could change the fate of millions. All I need, no, all I _demand_ is enough firepower to restore my planet to its former glory. My brother has disgraced us all since his ascension to the throne. Our forefathers must be rolling in their graves at the shame his new policies will bring upon our once great name.’’

‘’You’re the King’s brother? Well, hell. I’ve got to admit I prefer his company over yours. He’s certainly the better looking one in the family.’’ She replied and she saw his eyes narrow and his nostrils flare.

_Oops._

_She had always had a knack for exposing sore spots and poking at them relentlessly._

He turned from her, leaning against the open doorway, his back bent in a curve as he folded his arms.

‘’Either way Captain, I will get what I want. I know this area better than anyone on this planet. If you do not cooperate and give me what I want, it will be a simple matter to kill you and implicate my brother in your murder. Either way, I will overthrow my brother through a coup or end up King myself once he has been taken away by Starfleet for his supposed crimes. I believe killing a starship Captain is frowned upon.’’ He smirked as he mock bowed to her. ‘’I always get what I want Jim.’’

Goon one looked to his master for orders and receiving a nod, he positively glowed. He drew a knife from the sheath on his hip and it glinted menacingly.

_How was she going to get out of this one?_

*******************************************************************************

Jim supposed… her torture could be explained in flashes… if and when she was asked about them.

A wooden chair. Ropes on her ankles and wrists. The sharp edge of a knife underneath her fingernails.

_Pop. Pop. Pop. Ouch…._

Her hair being pulled back as her head was dunked and removed from icy, murky water.

Gasping breaths and stuttering heartbeats.

Punches, kicks, slicing and slapping, hands around her throat as they squeezed.

She lost all sense of time and still she wouldn’t cooperate.

_Hey, join Starfleet! Explore the universe and get your ass handed to you one planet at a time. Yay!_

She came back to herself slowly, a shivering, shaking mess. An epic groan made its way out of her mouth. She could barely see, but she thanked god that the swelling had luckily gone down due to goon one’s favourite torture technique. _Bones was gonna have a hell of a time forcing her to drink any water for the foreseeable future._

The latch on her door unlocked with a clang and she wondered what fresh hell was going to darken her doorstep today.

From her position on the floor, her hands and feet tied securely, she tried to sit up and lean back against the wall, intending to face today’s entertainment with her usual smile. Instead, she was _horrified_ to see a child enter her cell, carrying a tray of food.

‘’I am sorry if I woke you.’’ The small one said and Jim could only gape as he shuffled slowly towards her.

‘’No, little man, it’s alright. Thank you for the food.’’ She said raspily, her dry throat aching from recent events.

‘’How old are you sweetie?’’

‘’I am nine years old.’’ He replied and she cursed softly. She wished he would look at her, but his eyes remained downcast and afraid.

‘’You know I won’t hurt you right?’’ she wheezed again, _damn_ , her lungs weren’t doing so well with this whole breathing malarkey.

‘’I… I ...’’ he stuttered and he backed away with speed to the door before shutting it again.

Jim struggled to get to her knees, sweeping her feet beneath her as she reached for the tray of meagre provisions with bound hands. _God, she hoped she wasn’t allergic to anything in here_ she prayed as she took her first bite. _Blegh!_ She gagged but forced the meal down her fiery throat, wincing with each swallow.

‘’This is ridiculous.’’ She huffed. Yes she was black and blue and purple and well, a freaking rainbow nation of colours but who in their right mind would leave her _not_ chained to a wall. She was a Starfleet captain! Did they think they had broken her? Why? Because she was a woman?

Leaning back against the wall, she closed her eyes and hoping to get some rest before anything else came in through her door, she slept.

******************************************

Days went by, _same shit different day really_ she mused as she was once again deposited – _read thrown brutally_ – onto the floor of her cell. The afternoons were nice though... the nights… not so much as that’s when his lordship himself came to spend his time with her.

The kid – whose name she found out was Na’rayel - came by to give her food and she had eventually encouraged him to stay, to talk with her or to at least sit with her while she ate. She found out through hours of coaxing that he was in fact the rebel leader’s son.

The boy had been conscripted as was customary for all male children at the age of six, but because he was weaker, they had initially wanted to execute him. It was only due to the fact that his uncle was King and his father the prince that he had been spared a year ago. Now he was forced to tend wounds, clean and generally slave away until he died. His father had disowned him completely for his weakness. Her heart ached for this boy and all the others out there and as she slowly gained strength, the boy sneaking in more food when he could, she started to formulate a plan to escape.

It wasn’t an epic plan; it wasn’t a great convoluted, detailed plan. It was _simple_ really. She would ask the boy to bring her a knife. A knife would be enough to cut the crude ropes from her hands and feet and she would wait for goon one to make his entrance. And escape.

_What?_

It wasn’t like she had any electric wires to patch together, or a console to hack, or light to shine through an implanted microchip, causing it to melt the bars holding her captive. She was in a _hole_ , _underground,_ with no other way out except through the door. Goon one always, always came in after the boy had left to string her back up to the ceiling in preparation for her nightly visits.

She would take the knife, wait for goon one to make his entrance, stab the slimy bastard in the neck and hightail it as fast as she could out of there. And find Spock.

_Where the hell was Spock?! Why hadn’t he found her yet? Surely someone from her crew was smart enough to find her? Hello… starting with the rebels would … you know… be a start dammitt!_

The door opened and she knew night had fallen by the smell of the rebel leader’s cologne permeating her small cell as he stepped in. She didn’t bother struggling _this time_ , with her restraints. She learned a few visits ago that other than a few slaps as punishment for being rude, he didn’t touch her in a way she couldn’t handle. His eyes roamed all over lecherously, but he had kept his hands to himself so far.

Every night was the same, he would come in, circle her a few times, state his case and when she naturally refused, that’s when the weirdness would start. He would come up behind her and sniff her neck, his arms encasing her body from behind and hold her closely to his chest.

He seemed to have this growly, scratchy thing he did with his throat which caused her to squirm each time he made that noise directly into her ear. He never touched her intimately and yet after a few nights, he had started to pet her hair, frame her face with his hands as he spoke to her, of all his problems.

_He was getting fond of her. Like a pet_ , she assumed.

Tonight’s visit passed much in the same way as usual but for one small, significant _terrifying_ thing. He kissed the back of her neck, before he startled a shriek from her by biting down and she hissed as he broke through her skin. She listened to him hum as he licked over the wound. He left her after that, lingering long enough with a look in his eyes that made her nauseous as he stepped through the door.

She allowed herself to hyperventilate for a few moments as adrenaline surged through her body. She shivered as she realised that she was being promoted from pet to _mistress_ as of tomorrow’s visit.

Goon one came in to untie her from the ceiling and with their nightly ritual of the ‘ _goodnight slam’_ of her body against the floor as he left, she tiredly sank down and curled herself into the corner.

*********************************************************************

When Na’rayel entered her cell the next day, she asked him the _simple_ question and waited. He looked at her for the first time, his muddy red eyes aged beyond his years and he nodded slowly.

‘’Please don’t kill my father.’’ He breathed out slowly and she felt her heart clench.

‘’I won’t.’’ She said, knowing that she may not have a choice if she encountered him.

She watched him leave silently and return a moment later with a dull, almost rusted knife.

‘’Thank you, sweetie.’’ She breathed as she lifted her hand and he flinched.

‘’I told you I wouldn’t hurt you.’’ She said as she extended her arm again and stroked the boys head. He sniffled at the first touch of comfort in three years, leaning into it as she smoothed down his hair.

‘’Don’t leave me here.’’ He whispered and she tilted his head up when he sniffed.

‘’I won’t leave you here. I promise.’’ He handed her the knife and stood.

‘’Fo’nar will be here soon.’’

He left.

She waited.

*****************************************************************

It all went magically and perfectly to plan. About an hour after her lunch, Fo’nar walked in and grinned at her, he licked his lips and his feral grin promised that today would be the day that she would break.

She kept the knife hidden between her bound hands, the thick ropes masking its presence. He grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and heaved until she was on her feet.

_It was all about the timing._

As soon as he lifted her hands to string her back up she drew in a sharp breath and the knife flicked out, business end pointing down. She plunged it deep into his neck with all the force she could muster in her tired arms. The bluntness of the blade was no match for the way she forced it into his skin. His gurgling was almost comical as he clutched his throat and staggered to the nearest wall, sinking down to the floor. She was sure she had hit an artery.

She spared a moment to allow regret to fill her. _Taking a life was easy; learning to live with it is another thing._

She limped over to him, her legs weak but managing to keep her upright and steady. She reached for the knife as his body ceased to struggle and she pulled it from his throat. It would take a while for her to cut through her restraints …

The door opened and Jim spun around to attack whoever was coming in but she quickly dropped her arms as the boy walked in. His eyes widened and fear flickered over his face as he saw the goon’s blood that had covered her.

‘’I’m alright honey, come here.’’ She said softly and he walked up to her with a shudder.

‘’Can you help me get these ropes off?’’

‘’Yes.’’

He took the handle of the knife gingerly, his breaths increasing as he felt the still-warm blood coat his hands. He struggled for a few minutes before one of Jim’s hands came free. She rubbed her wrists, frowning at the bruises. She bent down to cut her legs free and she sighed in relief.

_Halfway there._

‘’Na’rayel? Can you get us out of here without being seen?’’

‘’Yes. I am always unseen when I am not needed.’’ He whispered and he took her hand and led her out of the room.

‘’All the other men are in the hall, eating and drinking.’’ He spoke softly and she nodded.

The two alternated between tiptoeing and almost crawling through the endless tunnels, each noise making them freeze in fear before hurrying their pace along as soon as Jim thought it safe.

‘’There are other children like me… ones who have not been executed or have yet to be trained.’’ He said tugging on her arm, directing her to a large wooden door on her right. She stopped as she debated how to proceed.

She wanted to take as many kids with her as she could but it would be risky. One wrong move, one wrong sound from a frightened child and they would all be screwed.

She couldn’t leave them though. Tarsus flashed through her mind and she prayed this wouldn’t be a repeat on a smaller scale.

She peeked through a crack in the door; a guard was sitting down, his back facing her while he watched the children through a monitor. She stealthily made her way up behind him and with a move she had perfected due to countless bar brawls; she tapped him on the shoulder making him turn before she punched his lights out. He slid off the chair with a thump and she stepped over him carefully, picking up his weapon in the process.

The other children gave a cry of fear as the door opened and huddled together in a group. She looked down and realised that she must be a child’s worst nightmare come to life. Covered in blood and weapon in hand, eyes half-crazy as she assessed them all. She ushered Na’rayel in front of her and with an encouraging hand on his shoulder he spoke to them.

He explained to them calmly that if they were able to _keep quiet_ they would all be able to go home and be safe and never come back. But _only_ if they were quiet.

Little faces, little tear tracks of grime down their cheeks, were suddenly being wiped and there were nods all around the room as they somehow lined up single file, waiting.

Jim felt a tug on her tattered dress and she looked down to see a boy of no more than eight looking pleadingly at her.

‘’Please miss… m-my brother… they broke his leg when they t-took us. I can’t move him.’’

Jim saw a figure slumped in the corner of the room and she crossed over as quickly as her own legs could carry her. She bent down and examined the little boy. His leg was indeed broken… she was sure of it due in no large part to the fragment of bone sticking out just below his tiny knobbly knee.

She looked down at her dress and tore a large section off, tying it as securely as she could over the injury. He gave a sob and she shushed him gently. Picking him up under his arms she slung him sideways until he was on her back and she told him to hold on tight.

‘’Ok, kids. Follow me; remember to be as quiet as you can. Stay low and when I stop, you stop. When I move, you move. Okay? Ready?’’ at their nods she led them out of the room back into the dark hallways.

Na’rayel stopped her as they got near to the hall where all the guards were gathered and she watched through a crack in the door how they were all engrossed in their meals, shouting and drinking.

‘’We are very far down Jim.’’ Na’rayel said and she nodded at him. ‘’We are beneath the King’s castle. I believe… I believe I heard my father say it was a cave system. A place for our long dead. No one comes here but them and it is easy to get lost.’’ He whispered.

‘’I have been here for a year. I know my way to the exit.’’

Jim grunted as she shifted the boy higher up on to her back, he slipped occasionally as he fought to stay conscious. She had to admit that the pain she was currently in – or more precisely the pain her broken ribs were causing her – where making the job of carrying him excruciating. She grit her teeth and tucked her arm more firmly beneath him as she pointed with the guard’s weapon for Na’rayel to continue leading them.

After what felt like hours of agony to Jim, she finally spotted a staircase, a narrow winding path that Na’rayel led them up and he stopped them all as they reached the top.

‘’This is the exit.’’ He said and she smiled widely at him.

‘’Great job, buddy.’’ She wished she had a free hand to ruffle his hair.

She went up first, the trapdoor creaking ominously as she lifted it. From what she could see the room was empty and she swung it open completely, before climbing out.

She froze when she heard a slow clap.

‘’Oh my dear Captain. It is such a shame. You continue to disappoint me.’’ A voice said to her left and she cursed to high heaven and back.

_Always check your corners Jim_ she chided herself.

‘’Go to hell.’’ She snarled, her grip tightening on both the gun in her hand and on the boy on her back as she turned to aim at him.

‘’I wished it didn’t have to end this way. I thought we had a connection .you and I. We became so close as of late. I shall miss our nights together.’’ He said sadly and the doors behind him burst open. Three armed men entered, guns pointing at her and to her horror, at the two children that had climbed up after her.

‘’Leave them alone you bastards!’’ she screamed.

‘’Come with me and we promise we won’t harm those pathetic weaklings.’’ The rebel leader said as he took a step towards her.

_God, she really hoped Spock would make an appearance sometime soon. Anytime now would be great._

As soon as the thought entered her head she heard the tell-tale signs of a transporter and she smiled in glee as a _broad chested, blue clad, pointed eared wonder_ materialised behind the men holding them captive.

There stood her First Officer. The most amazing, welcome, beautiful sight she had ever seen and he took one look at her through the gaps of the goon’s shoulders and his face said it all.

His eyes darkened to black as his head bent forward, jaw clenched, his shoulders bent forward as his arm raised and his phaser started its familiar whir sound before it could be fired.

His eyebrow arched.

There would be hell to pay.

*************************************************

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise... I'll try calm down with cliffhangar business. It just felt like a good place to stop writing. 
> 
> Feedback is food for my soul folks. If youre enjoying it, let me know, if you want me to pay more attention to something in particular.. Well, I am all ears. I am a novice writer and I cant improve without proper direction from you guys. 
> 
> Or at the very least.. leave a kudo's.
> 
> Right... that's all my begging out of the way. 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> **********************************************************************************


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of Jim's little adventure. After this, its back to weekly-ish updates folks.

Two weeks, one day, four hours, twenty-three minutes and forty-five seconds… Forty-six _now_ to be precise.

This is how long it has been since he had last laid eyes on his Captain.

This is how long it has been since he had last argued with her, been exasperated by her, been beguiled by her, rattled, amused and partook in a conversation with her.

This is how long it has been since she had last shocked him, awed him and tested his control, since she had ensnared his senses.

It was unacceptable. He has not been separated from her - for this long- since she awoke from her coma nearly three years ago.

He has not been able to meditate. _Again._

He has not taken in meals or entered slumber since she had been taken, unless expressly forced to do so by either McCoy or Nyota, and on one occasion he had been rendered unconscious by a hypo that he had been ill equipped to see coming.

And now, now that his Captain was in front of him, the sight of her set his blood on fire. Her clothes torn and tattered, missing in several places revealing dark lesions and dried blood. Her face a mottled mixture of colours due to what he assumed must be repeated beatings. Her hands, cut and abraded, missing several finger nails, her legs and feet bare and bleeding. Her breathing was laboured and he detected a rattling wheeze every time her chest moved.

His anger, his rage, his utter and complete _helplessness_ of the past two weeks, four hours, twenty-three minutes and forty-seven seconds overwhelmed him to the point where all he could _see_ was her. All he could _smell_ was her and all he was _desperate_ to do was to have her safely back aboard the ship.

Any other outcome was unacceptable to him.

Her existence and presence in this universe and in his life, was vital to the continued health and well-being of his own mind and body. Utterly illogical but empirically and unequivocally true.

The matter would be corrected. _This very instant._

He raised his right arm, phaser held tightly as he prepared himself to the pull the trigger when the time came. His body bending forward as every instinct in him passed down through the eons on Vulcan-that-was, urged him to separate his captain from the threat and return her to him.

‘’Spock!’’

Her voice, raspy yet firm, travelled to him above all other noise in the room. He took note of her smile, the cocky, confident, radiant smile which he had been forced to do without, since her abduction … he restrained his sigh of pleasure upon hearing her voice.

The two redshirts he had requested to transport down with him materialised behind him a moment later and assessing the situation they eliminated the three guards without further ado as soon as they had turned, alerted by their by their captains shouting.

The commotion this caused seemed to take place in slow motion as suddenly Jim was seized by the man closest to her, the child upon her back flung to the floor with an audible thump, his cry of pain seeming to echo around the chamber and Jim screamed in fury as she tried to catch the child.

Spocks’ breath seized in his chest as the long haired man captured Jim, holding her from behind, her arms locked behind her back, her weapon having been flung out of her hand by the sudden attack. Spock watched her struggle, trying to free herself from his arms which restrained her, but she was rendered powerless the moment he drew a large gold-hilted blade and held it to her throat.

He could not fire his phaser for fear of hitting them both and causing the blade to enter her flesh.

‘’Release my Captain this instant!’’ Spock all but snarled as he took a step forward.

‘’Ah ah ah, back away Vulcan. _Jim is mine._ She will be accompanying me back to where she belongs. We have _so_ … enjoyed our nights together and I do not think I could tolerate her absence if she were to leave now.’’ The leader said and Spock’s entire body rebelled and demanded he tear this sentient creature apart with his bare hands.

Not since Khan has he felt this over-powering urge to avenge, to maim, to kill. He battled these ferocious urges as he took another step forward, weapon still raised.

‘’It would be remiss of me to not advise you, that the last person who managed to severely harm my Captain came within a matter of two minutes and twenty three seconds, from being _beaten to death_ by my hands.’’ His shoulders straightened and a slight snarl twisted his upper lip as he spoke. ‘’ I will of course endeavour to outdo my record should you continue to be unreasonable …. Therefore I will ask you once more…. release my Captain!’’

‘’I’d listen to him if I were you. Spock doesn’t lie and he always, _always_ delivers.’’ Jim managed to say before the leader hissed and pressed the blade harder against her throat at Spock’s words.

‘’Back away Vulcan, you do not understand. I have marked her as _mine_ ; she will not be leaving this planet. In all my years I have never, _ever_ encountered such strength, such _spirit_ … such _life_ within a woman. She will join me, unwillingly if need be, when I ascend the throne and we shall build a new future together. Our children shall rule the lands and be the strongest of my kind.’’ He snapped, pulling the blade momentarily away from her throat to pull her neck to the side where he suddenly bit down deeply between the crease of her neck and shoulder.

Jim let out a scream as his teeth tore viciously through her and Spock roared in his outrage, his teeth bared as his took another step forward. Within the next blink he had crossed the room and was running towards the man who had dared to lay claim to her, to his friend, to his … his… his…

‘’JIM!’’

Spock stopped in his tracks when he saw the leader go stiff. The man’s mouth fell open and his golden blade clattered to the ground as he pushed Jim roughly to the floor several feet away. The leader’s arms dropped to his side and a twisted smile contorted his once beautiful face, into something grotesque and unrecognisable as he started to laugh.

‘’Na’rayel!’’ He heard his captain shout and the boy stepped back.

Spock was forced to stop what would have no doubt been a tackle hard enough to leave a _permanent dent_ in the floor from their collision. Instead he turned and ran to Jim, his focus and priorities having shifted the moment she had screamed the boy’s name.

He stood in front of her; weapon now trained on the leader’s head, his body coiled to attack or defend anything that dared to approach her. He felt Jim’s hand on his ankle as she tried to pull herself up and he hissed low at her to stay down. His mind being battered by the emotions of despair she was emitting at seeing the child in harm’s way.

He blocked them out. Ruthlessly.

He had no strength left in his mind to concern himself over anything else except her. He hissed at her again when she insistently tugged on his pants and she snorted at him in response but _thankfully_ she remained seated on the floor.

It seemed as if though his need, his hunger, his thirst for vengeance would not be sated this day. His hand twitched at the injustice. The Vulcan blood inside of him roaring in his ears as it _demanded_ that he make the man revoke his claim on the captain – his captain - by forcing the words out of his throat through the means of effective and precise strangulation.

She was not _his_.

_He would never allow it_.

Spock’s eyes flicked back to the young child. Na’rayel was holding the same dull, rusty knife he had helped Jim with earlier, a look of horror on his face before he too dropped the weapon to the ground.

The leader laughed as he turned to face the child, his hands clutching at his side as a crimson rush of blood spread larger and larger in patterns through his white ruffled shirt.

‘’Betrayed by my own s-son. Perhaps there is strength in you yet, boy.’’ He bellowed.

‘’I am _not_ your son Sire. I have not been for a long time and I never will be again. You shall harm Jim _no more._ You shall harm us children, _no more_.’’ He said in a deceptively strong voice, the only indication that he was emotionally compromised being the wobble of his lower lip and the fear which widened his eyes.

‘’ _Surrender_ , or I will take action to subdue you myself. I promise you that this will not be a hardship for me in my current condition.’’ Spock spoke clearly and calmly, only his eyes indicating that he wished most fervently that his offer would be refused.

The leader nodded absentmindedly, lost in thought as he continued to laugh hysterically, sinking down to his knees, still groping at the wound in his side.

‘’Hendorff, Jenson… secure this piece of shit and get medical down here. We need to get these kids treatment and I want this bastard alive.’’ Jim croaked from her slumped position on the ground and she watched with a wave of euphoria as the rebel leader was manhandled and secured. He had quietened as his blood seeped out of him into a puddle around his left knee.

Ignoring the on-goings of the security team, Spock kneeled beside his Captain. His hand shook slightly as he reached out to her, not sure where to touch her without causing further pain, or if indeed, he _should_ even be touching her. All he knew for certain was that If he did not in fact place his hand on _some_ part of her body and establish that she was of sound mind and… _alive_ … through his telepathy…

He swallowed nervously as he gently took her wrist in his hand, inhaling deeply in relief as her now-welcome emotions washed over him.

He felt her pulse, erratic and throbbing beneath his thumb, which he swiped back and forth over the soft skin. His own skin tingled and pulled tight as a thrum of electricity passed through them. He heard her breath catch and her blue eyes snapped up to meet his own. She smiled for him and he closed his eyes, the sight calming his inner turmoil for the moment.

‘’Spock?’’ she whispered softly and her own damaged, bloodied hand came up to rest on the arm that encased her wrist. ‘’I’m alright Spock. Nothing that Bones can’t fix. You’re here, you found me…’’

Her affection, her gratefulness, her feelings of friendship, her absolute trust and awe for him making him lower his shields and returning the sentiments tenfold as his own devotion, adoration, friendship and concern flowed through the grip he had on her wrist.

‘’Is that... Are those your…?’’ she stuttered as she closed her eyes, a hum escaping her at the feeling of him inside her mind.

‘’Yes, Jim.’’ He breathed into her ear as he let go of her wrist and putting his arm beneath her knees and another beneath her arms as he picked her up. A small moan of pain escaped her from the movement and his heart stuttered in his side.

‘’Forgive me Jim. I…’’

‘’S’alright Spock.’’

‘’Jim?’’ he queried as she became still, the last of her adrenaline seeming to have trickled to a stop the moment he had picked her up.

‘’Jim… you _must_ stay awake. I suspect you may be suffering from a concussion. You must remain awake until we can ascertain the extent of your injuries.’’ He urged again as her eyelids flickered open and closed.

His grip on her tightened as she wound her arms behind his head, broken fingers linking together, her nose buried in his neck. He felt her shudder as she breathed in his scent.

‘’Spock….’’ She whispered again. ‘’Take me home please.’’

‘’Affirmative.’’

His mouth brushed the top of her hair as he spoke and he clutched her tighter to his chest, enveloping her.

He walked over to Hendorff and the man’s eyes roamed over his Captain’s injured body, the man taking a step forward and reaching out his hand. Spock stepped back and yet again fought the urge to growl in warning as yet another male approached his Captain.

_Completely Illogical_.

‘’Signal for immediate beam up.’’

‘’Yes Sir!’’

He closed his eyes and rested his chin on her head as the transporter scattered their atoms into space, surrounded in bright yellow light.

*****************************************************************

‘’Good Lord!’’ The doctor yelled as soon as they materialised, the nurses letting out startled shrieks of shock at the sight of his captain.

‘’Oh Jim, those sick bastards… ‘’ McCoy muttered again as he run up to the platform followed by Miss Chapel who pushed a gurney in front of her.

‘’Lay her down Spock. Quickly dammitt!’’

‘’Negative. I shall take her to sickbay myself.’’

‘’Spock, you need to put her down now so that we can treat her!’’

‘’I will _not_.’’ He growled out, his body extending to its full height as he took a step back. He heard Nyota gasp as he saw her step through the doors.

‘’Spock, please ashaya. We’re not going to hurt her.’’ His intended said stepping forward and he tried to centre himself, tried hopelessly to reach into his mind and try to regain control.

The crowd that had gathered in the room all waited with bated breath and unease, hoping that he would come to his senses and see reason. After a moment they saw his shoulders slightly dip as he looked down at his Captain’s head.

‘’Very well.’’ He said softly and with great reluctance, he laid her down gently, his hand coming up behind his neck to unclasp her hands, which had settled around him with a vice like grip. He stifled a quick stab of guilt as their fingers brushed together, the feel and sensation of it travelling up his arm and down his spine, only to switch course and travel back up to the pleasure centres of his brain.

He stood back once he placed her arms beside her, his hand lingering for half a second more than was necessary, one beneath her head, the other still holding her wrist.

He let go.

The medical team converged around them and pushing him out of the way, they rushed through the doors to medbay.

‘’Spock? Spock?’’ he heard from somewhere and he lowered his eyes from the door, to see Nyota standing in front of him, her arms crossed.

‘’I … I know you care about Kirk but can you… can you tell me why you ... ‘’ she trailed off with her hands hanging limply by her side, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

‘’Unclear.’’ He said simply before walking past her, intending to follow after Jim.

‘’Wait Spock! Dammitt…’’ she yelled and she caught his wrist as he brushed past her.

He stiffened automatically, his body straining with the effort to not pull his arm out of her grasp.

Her emotions were confusing. _Anger-Relief-Jealousy-Suspicion-love_. He did not comprehend what it was that she _wanted_ from him by sharing these emotions. He pulled his arm back and the look of hurt on her face made him pause.

‘’I apologise, ashaya. It is not that I do not welcome your touch; it is simply that I feel overwhelmed at this particular moment in time. Please do not take offense where no insult is meant.’’ He implored and she looked away from him.

He did not know how to ease her, especially when nothing could seem to ease his own troubled mind. Instead he relented to the give-and-take that constituted a fair relationship and tried to appease her by placing both his hands on her face. Initiating a light surface meld, he sent across reassurance and his request for understanding. Their fledgling link twisted as the information was relayed and he felt it pull back from him, resisting the meld and in turn - himself.

He could not deal with this now.

‘’Go then. But I expect to see you later in my quarters Mister Spock. We need to talk.’’ She snapped and she walked away from him.

He did not have time for this…. He needed to get to Jim.

*******************************************************************************

Several hours later and he had yet to move a muscle. The chair he had seated himself in outside the operating theatre gave him a clear view of that taunting red light above the door which indicated that Jim was in fact still alive.

He did not bother to move for he found himself unable to do so until he received an update on the status of Jim. He did not fidget; he did not chew his lip in nervousness, nor did he pace the hallway in concern. He gave no indication whatsoever on the outside that anything was wrong at all.

He was ashamed of the way he had allowed himself to once again lose control and in front of the crew. He felt ashamed that he had allowed his _intended_ to feel sadness and anger when he had taken to avoiding her all together throughout the two weeks that his captain had been missing.

However, now that she was back on board the ship and in the capable hands of McCoy- though it would take extensive torture to his person to get him to admit that fact out loud – he found himself more capable of analysing his mind and controlling himself.

Jim was his Captain.

Jim was his friend.

And if she were male, he would call her brother, for they fought together side by side more often than not. As the Surakian Warriors of old.

Sister? No. He could not place the word when he thought of Jim. She was not his sister or likely to _ever_ function in that category in his life. His mind rebelled against the concept of naming her as such.

She was… _more._ Unquantifiable, unexplainable, irrefutable. She truly just… _was_.

The red light turned to green, signifying that the theatre was ready for use once more and his heart rate skyrocketed as he anxiously waited for McCoy to exit through the doors.

‘’Mister Spock. Still where I left you I see.’’ He grunted and with a tired hand he rubbed at his forehead before pulling his scrub cap off.

‘’Status of the Captain.’’ He did not ask. He expected an answer.

‘’Three broken ribs, numerous bruises, damage to her kidneys from blunt force trauma, intracranial haemorrhaging and skin lacerations as well as minimal damage to her vocal chords from what appears to have been caused by repeated strangulation. Seven fingernails have been removed as well as damage to her neck from… a bite.’’ He ended roughly and sunk into the chair, his head in his hands, shoulders bent forward as they began to shake.

Spock let the man be overcome by his emotions. He was the last being in the universe to ever order someone to regain control of themselves after his appalling, illogical behaviour earlier today.

He himself had only ever cried once in his adult life, when Jim had momentarily ceased to exist in this universe.

The shuddering stopped and McCoy stood and walked ahead of him. A sniff was the only indication that he had shed tears.

‘’Her heart stopped on the table, Spock. But by god, I brought her back… and only because I’m going to kick her ass the moment she’s healthy enough … for causing me all this grief and worry in the first place.’’ McCoy turned to face him and Spock stared blankly at the doctor.

He ignored the doctor’s statement.

‘’Has the captain…’’ he swallowed as the words stuck in his throat, the memory of her being bitten being replayed in front of his eyes…’’has she been sexually assaulted?’’

‘’No. Thank _fuck_. No, there were no visible signs. But until she wakes up we won’t know for sure.’’ He whispered frantically.

‘’May I see her?’’ he now asked.

‘’Are you gonna go batshit crazy when someone comes near her again? Jim doesn’t need any stress right now.’’ He said with a concerned look in his eye.

‘’ I will not.’’ He said, ignoring the spark of irritation that McCoy’s words caused.

‘’Yeah, I heard _that_ line earlier.’’ He sighed and nodded his head. ‘’Fine, I know I can’t stop you and even if I tried you’d find some way to sneak in anyway.’’

McCoy led him through the double doors on his left and Spock itched to increase their pace.

Why was he behaving like this? The captain _was not_ his bondmate. These territorial urges, these possessive feelings engulfing him, returned full blast the moment he saw her again.

He stood in the doorway, the bed and her medical equipment the only furnishings in the room. He stepped forward hesitantly, illogically afraid that his mere footsteps would wake her and yet in the same breath he was eager for her to wake so that he could speak to her again.

Reaching the end of the bed, he took note of her face. The dermal regenerator had effectively aided her natural healing process. The dark grey linen blanket was pulled up to her chin, her body outlined as she flay flat and motionless.

He slowly cupped the top of her feet as he stood by the edge of the bed, marvelling at how tiny they felt in the palms of his hand. Her hair was messily splayed all over the pillows. The steady beat of her heart coming through the monitors gave him the necessary tools to calm his own racing heart.

‘’I’ll get someone to bring you a chair.’’ The doctor’s voice startles him out of his reverie and he releases the hold he has on her feet. ''We'll discuss your sudden concern for Jim.. later.''

He hears the doctor clear his throat and Spock is mortified to realise that a ‘blush’ had spread to the tips of his ears.

He is too tired to stop it.

‘’Thank you doctor.’’ Is all he says.

‘’I thought you’d want know that Scotty is in charge of the ship for now, negotiations have come to a standstill without Jim and all the children Jim managed to rescue are on board and being seen too.’’

‘’I see.’’ He says again, his eyes not leaving the sleeping face of his captain.

‘’What happened to the bastard who did this to her?’’ McCoy asked him.

‘’Do not speak to me of that _shvenka_!’’ Spock snaps. He stops when he realises that he has used profanity. It is unlike him to swear and in High Vulcan no less.

‘’I have no idea what that means, but as long as it’s incredibly vile I’m sure it suits him perfectly.’’ The doctor said with a grin on his face before uncharacteristically slapping Spock on the back and exiting the room.

He did not avoid it.

 

What in name of Surak was happening to him?

*******************************************************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it took me a while to find a balance for Spock in this chapter. I wanted to express just how he was losing control, how he was losing himself essentially and yet on the surface i wanted him to still seem relatively calm. I have no clue if I succeeded, I didnt want to overdo it and yet i didnt want leave you feeling like he didnt care. 
> 
> After this chapter, Jim chooses her baby-daddy and Spock is not pleased... again.  
> I have no idea why i like to torture him so much. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this.


	7. Chapter 7

The seat had been brought in a few minutes after McCoy had left. Nurse Chapel had kept looking down at the floor, her curly hair hiding her eyes as she left the room with haste. Picking the chair up he placed it next to his Captains bed and sat down. He was aware that Nyota was expecting him, that she wished to discuss matters that he was, quite frankly, disinclined to broach at this moment in time. His priority right now was to ascertain the condition of his captain. It was his duty as First Officer.

He angled the chair sideways to better observe Jim’s face. Her one eye was still swelled shut, her lips cracked from dehydration and the bruises blooming across her cheeks had faded due to McCoy’s expertise in using the dermal regenerator. Her throat was dark blue, the bite in the curve of her neck, a still dark and festering mess. His fingers curled over the armrest and the metal gave a squeak as he dented the ends. He shuddered as he relived her scream over and over again. Not knowing which nightmare would win out this time if he dared to go to sleep.

Would it be the reoccurring one he had one occasion, of her eyes closing –almost peacefully – as her body succumbed to radiation poisoning or would it morph into one of Jim being claimed, beaten and bitten in front of him… taken away from him. Either way, he would yet again experience the emotion of being powerless to stop either scenario from occurring.

He dared not go to sleep. Something in him had awoken -fierce and merciless. An instinct he had never experienced before. His body was thrumming with pent up anger and frustration. He did not think that meditation would sufficiently aid him in regaining control. While he would admit that Jim’s presence had calmed him to a degree… he itched. To fight, to take, to claim, to conquer.

Exactly what he ached to conquer was as of this moment still a mystery to him. Power over the rebel leader? Jim’s acceptance to never again spend the night ashore unless she was accompanied by a member of security at all times? He huffed sarcastically as the thought of Jim ever agreeing to anything he said - almost forced a smile to his face.

He did not know how long he sat there, pondering and calculating and theorising about the complexities of Jim until someone hesitantly knocked on the door. He looked up and was not surprised to see McCoy hovering in the doorway with a scowl.

‘’Go to bed Spock. I caught you once with that hypo, don’t make me do it again.’’

‘’Doctor, if you attempt to subdue me against my will again, unlike last time, a nerve pinch will be the least of your problems.’’ He warned in a dangerously low voice.

Spock watched the doctors hand come up and rub nervously over his neck and when he is caught watching, he feels a thrill to have brought forth a satisfactory emotional response from the cantankerous man. The doors of irritation swung both ways it seems.

‘’I’m serious. Don’t make me pull rank as CMO you hobgoblin. Get! Jim doesn’t need you gawking at her all night.’’

‘’I will return in the morning Doctor.’’ He said, vexed that he was being forced to leave.

‘’Yeah, you do that. And while you’re at it, you and I are gonna have a little chat about what happened back in the transporter room.’’ McCoy gruffly says and leaves the room with a mock salute.

Spock spends one more moment staring at his captain, his hand reaching out automatically to touch her before his fist clenched and it returned to his side.

************************************************************************

Nyota is still expecting him. He examines the corridor which will lead him to her quarters, the right narrow hallway winding and twisting away from him. He turns left. He will attempt to sleep before conversing with her. He enters the codes for his quarters and the doors swish open, the temperature of the room raised higher than the rest of the ship, making him breathe deeply as he steps over the threshold.

He did not expect to see that the room was already occupied.

Nyota was seated on his bed, her legs crossed, one of his books splayed open over her lap. He takes in her appearance. Standard Starfleet issued sleepwear, her ebony coloured hair hanging loosely just below her shoulders and her face the vision of someone who had a thousand words to speak. He closed his eyes.

‘’Well, I suppose I should be grateful that you’ve noticed me at all.’’ She snipes and he immediately wishes that he had stayed in Sickbay.

He knows this tone. It is a tone that many women have used on him. One of irritation, frustration, one that clearly explains that he has displeased them in some way.

‘’Nyota, I had deemed it too late to visit you as it is currently well into the night cycle. I would have sought your company tomorrow after gaining adequate rest.’’ He says as he steps over to his chest of drawers to seek out his sleepwear.

‘’Really? Somehow I’m having trouble believing that Spock. Do you know how much I _hate_ this? This… this... stupid, idiotic tendency of mine to get paranoid and insecure. Why is it that you seem to do _nothing_ lately but bring that out of me?’’ she almost screams at him, the book dropping to the floor as she gets off the bed in a rush and a tangle of limbs.

‘’What would you have me say Nyota? I was concerned for the wellbeing of my Captain and my friend. I fail to see how this should affect our romantic relationship, to the point where you doubt my regard for you. You say you are insecure. Might I enquire as to why that is? What reason have I given you for you to think that I am dissatisfied with our relationship?’’ he hisses as he pulls his soiled, blood stained shirt over his head, throwing the offending item down the laundry chute.

‘’What reason?! Oh my god, Spock! Whenever something happens to Jim, it’s like you lose your shit. Like nothing else matters to you. I tried for two weeks to offer you comfort, to get you to eat and sleep for god’s sake and you pushed me away!’’ she yells at him, now grabbing his bicep.

He rips his arm out of her hand, her emotions leaving a taste of acid in his mouth, in their intensity. She grabs him again and he pushes her roughly into the wall, crowding her, his eyes narrowed as she dug her nails into his flesh.

‘’I have not ‘ _pushed you away’_. On the contrary, you were the _one person_ on this vessel that I trusted, that I had hoped would understand _my need_ for space, _my need_ for someone to understand that I did not wish to be placed under any _further_ emotional stress. Both you and Dr McCoy insisted on projecting your own emotions so loudly that I had no choice but to avoid you for fear of being emotionally compromised by feelings that were _not my own_.’’ His voice had risen and her eyes widened.

‘’Today was the first time in a month that you have called me ashaya. We haven’t had sex for nearly two months! I just don’t understand what the problem is? Why do you get like this over Jim?! Do you even love me?’’ She snapped back at him, the first sign of tears appearing in the corners of her eyes.

The last tether that held down his control snapped. He was exhausted. He was utterly incensed that his feelings were constantly being analysed by outsiders, by humans, who had no concept of how difficult it was for him to even begin analysing _his own_ emotions, never mind adhering to their standards of what his emotions should be. How dare they twist his words and actions to suit their own needs?

He turned her, not able to suffer through seeing one more emotional display and grasping her roughly by the hips, removed her pants and underwear by tearing them at the seams. He stifled her shocked cry by covering her mouth with his own and he felt her shudder as his hand found his way between her legs. He pushed her down, bending her, spreading her and with a grunt of pleasure, he felt how she responded. How they both craved this. Their shared desperation for some sanity. His erection was pulled from the confines of his black regulation trousers and with a roar he took her.

There was no time for emotions, no second he could spare on her feelings as he raced to completion. The slapping of their skin against one another urging him on as much as the moans he could hear coming from her. His eyes closed as he neared his climax and with a groan he released himself inside of her, the last of his anger and frustration dissipating. He had conquered, he had won and yet he was still incomplete.

He did not know if she found her answer. He did not ask. At this point in time it did not matter. She turned around to face him, her eyes still filled with her earlier anger yet outlined by lingering lust as she looked at him.

‘’Do you love me?’’ she asked again quietly.

He contemplated his intended, unwillingly catching her projection of desperation.

‘’My answer has not changed since you first asked five point two years ago.’’ He said simply and bending down he untied the laces on his boots, taking them off and laying them side by side next to the bed as he moved away from her.

He dared not look at her.

‘’Okay.’’ She sniffed against his back as she came up behind him.

They climbed into bed together and she lifted his arm to fit underneath it. He allowed her this.

He was exhausted.

And yet, he could not sleep.

An hour had passed since he and Nyota had engaged in coitus, her scent clinging to his skin, her body temperature cool as the perspiration from their earlier activities dried. He carefully extracted himself from her embrace and made his way to the bathroom. The door swishing shut behind him, signalling that he could finally breathe a sigh of relief. In a humanly fashion, he wiped his hand across his tired face, his eyes seeming too small, his hair unkempt. He scratched at the days’ worth of stubble he could feel and opting to shower with water he activated the controls to the cubicle and stepped under the spray.

Nyota’s scent filled his senses and he scrubbed at his skin until a slight sheen of green could be seen underneath. The water did nothing to soothe him and placing a hand on the cool tiles he reminisced about how he and Nyota came to be where they currently were.

He had met her as a young cadet, in her second year. Her enthusiasm for the classes he taught making him take notice of her, of how her answers to his questions were nearly almost always correct, her grasp of syntax and understanding of languages intriguing him more than usual. He had thought that her continuous offers of lunches, then dinners, were her way of repaying him for tutoring her through subjects that she found difficult.

In the end, she had come directly to the point, after a year of secretly courting him and propositioning him in a way that left no doubt as to how she felt about him. He had accepted her proposal that they should engage in a relationship and coming to the conclusion that she was the logical choice as a mate, his parents had been informed through subspace communication that he was now in a relationship with a human. His father had not taken kindly to the news but his mother had been overjoyed that her son would at last have a companion in his life.

His and Nyota’s relationship had however, changed the moment she had cornered him at the space dock, demanding that she be placed on the crew of the enterprise. He was not pleased that she had managed to coerce him into changing his beliefs regarding regulations but at the time he was still harboring lingering feelings of rebellion after the hearing against his Captain and had overlooked it until reviewing it later through meditation.

And again, when he they had fought after he had nearly perished in the volcano of Nibiru, they had come together after as if though nothing had happened in the first place, their relationship strong and healthy.

_Where exactly and more important when did their relationship take a turn for the worse?_

Spock rinsed his hair, the specially made shampoo for his strange Vulcan locks, streaming down his naked torso and pooling in bubbles at his feet. He sighed as he finished the last of his hygiene routine and stepped out, the cold air of the room making him shudder.

As he dried himself with the grey towels provided, he thought back to when Nyota’s insecurity first started. It was after Jim had died. After she had come to the hospital, Jim having just awoken from her medically induced coma- that her personality had shifted into something almost unrecognizable. She had briefly mentioned running into his counterpart, who he had heard had caught the quickest transport he could from New Vulcan to Earth, to see Jim. He did not question what she spoke about with his counterpart and she did not offer the information.

As it was, at that time he had more pressing matters to attend to than what may have transpired between them. He stood in front of the mirror as he swept his errant thoughts away, lathing his face with cream so that he may shave and look more presentable for his next shift on the bridge.

The mere thought of his counterpart, caused him to bristle in annoyance and the hand holding his razor, froze halfway to his face. What could cause Jim to light up from the inside whenever she saw him or even spoke of him? What is the cause for Nyota’s face to cloud over with the darkest of storms he had ever encountered, whenever the elders name appeared in conversation?

Once again he cursed internally at his naiveté when it came to humans and their emotions. Why could they not just be straightforward? Why could they not just simply say what it was that they needed to say without resorting to lies, or subterfuge or manipulation to gain the outcome that they would get anyway, if only they were more precise in asking for what they wanted?

Using the towel to wipe the last of his shaving cream off his face, he exited the room and walked as quietly as he could over to his chest of drawers and changed into his uniform. Once dressed he turned back towards the bed, his eyes roaming over his intended’s form, the way she had curled up on herself in his absence, a pillow hugged to her chest and her mouth open as she breathed through whatever she was dreaming about.

_Fascinating._

A mere two hours ago, when his captain was in the same position of rest, his hand had itched to touch, to push away stray hairs that had fallen into her eyes and yet the longer he looked at Nyota’s beautiful face the more a frown threatened to appear on his own. Her behaviour recently was illogical and she was - to use a human phrase - ‘ _making a mountain out of a mole hill’_. Her continuous irritation with him, her insecurity and neurosis making her presence in his life unpleasant. Was it any wonder that he avoided her if she behaved in this way?

 _Something had to change and soon_ he thought to himself as he stepped out the door.

**************************************************************************

Her hand twitched.

 _Ouch. Shit. No, like…really, really… ouch_ she moaned internally as her one eye slowly opened to a white bland celling. The beeping of the monitors she was attached to causing her head to thump with each sound of her vitals.

Did she get hit by a shuttle? And then the driver decided to back over her for good measure? Twice?

Snippets of her memory began pouring back into her, the torture, the boy, the leader…

_Spock!_

She grinned, her lips pulling tight over her teeth at the memory of her first officer coming to save the day. Affection coursed through her veins and she closed her eye again, sighing softly as she realised that she was back on her ship and in safe hands.

Her hand twitched again and when she tried to flex her fingers, her smile fell from her face as she realised that the only digit responding to her commands was her pinkie finger. She was loathe to move her head down to see what state her hands were in but she decided to suck it up – knowing she had probably seen worse. She angled her head down, chin dipping into her chest and opened her eye again.

The sight of her first officer, of Spock, asleep on his forearms on her bed, stole her breath away. She didn’t understand why he would be here, asleep no less, at her side. Surely she wasn’t that far gone that her Vulcan had lost all sense? She had never once in all her years working with him seen him this vulnerable, this calm and … she swallowed nervously as she took in his face, this goddamn attractive.

His raven black hair had fallen over the half of his face that she could make out, the strands parting over his pointed ears. His cheekbones carrying a tinge of green as he breathed quietly through his nose. His mouth was buried in the crook of his arm, his bent body rising evenly with each breath he took and she couldn’t help but marvel at the sight of him.

She raised her pinkie finger, noticing the rest of her hand was swathed in bandages, and ever so lightly, stroked his hair. She _coos_ internally at the feel of it. Softer than anything she has ever touched, the sensation stuck somewhere between describing it as the finest silk and the softest, downy feathers. She manages to lift her hand slightly and curls a strand around the top of her finger and she stifles a small giggle when it _stays_ curled as she releases it. The effect of seeing a sleeping Spock next to her, with a baby’s curl of hair over his ear is too much for Jim to handle.

She needs more. She wants more.

She becomes brave and her hand lifts even higher, running a finger from the tip of his ear down and she circles his lobe as she hums at the electrical tingle that shoots up her finger. She repeats the experience over and over again, her feelings a mixed pot of fascination and awe at being able to do this and overwhelming adoration for this man – male- who continues to surprise her.

She feels a vibration come from him through her finger and she stills as her brain catches up with her actions. Was he... purring? A rumbling came from deep within his chest and her mind was blown. To make sure she wasn’t in fact dreaming up this whole scenario, she rubbed his ear a little more forcefully before stopping again to test his reaction. He huffed at the lack of movement, his head tilting to the side as if seeking out contact, his ear nudging her finger.

Both her eyes by this time had widened to saucers. _Pain and swelling be damned._

What in the hell did she think she was doing? Why in god’s name was she lying here petting her touch-telepath-Vulcan-male-first-officer? Screw the fact that it felt _amazing_... she must have a death wish!

She withdrew her hand and a small pitiful noise came from him at the movement and loss of contact. Her heart felt like putty as she listened to the snuffling he did in the crook of his arm.

_Oh god, this wasn’t good. No, she couldn’t do this. No Jim, you are not allowed to feel weak in the knees at the adorable behaviour of the grown man sleeping next to you! At the grown handsome, sexy as hell - who you want to have children with - man who was also getting married!_

The monitors blared to life as her heart pitter-pattered inside her chest at the realisation that she was attracted to Spock and how _shit_ this would make her life turn out, if she allowed it to develop further than sexual attraction.

_Whoa! Wa-hey! What now? Why was she thinking about sleeping with Spock? Being in love with Spock? How the hell had she jumped from thinking he was adorable to suddenly spending her life with him? Since when was this a thing? And damn her subconscious for suddenly bringing this information to the surface._

The doors to her room were all but pulled apart as Bones rushed in and Spock jumped up from his seat like a jack-in-the-box when her heart rate stopped all together. The sound of someone flat-lining, bringing her back to her senses.

 _Oh, yeah. Breathing was important._ She inhaled and exhaled slowly, forcing her chaotic, churning emotions back down behind her shields and tried to impishly grin at the two frantic men in her room. Her heart monitor picked up her vitals again.

‘’Captain!’’

‘’Jim, what the hell?’’

‘’Are you in any pain Captain?’’

‘’You goddamn idiot! Do you like taking years off my life?’’

‘’If you are not adequately medicated in regards to pain perhaps it would be best to seek another doctor.’’

‘’What?! Now hold on a minute you green cold blooded bastard! Since when have I not ‘adequately’ looked after Jim?!’’

Jim looked between the two men and she started to laugh. Two of her favourite people in the universe - went from mutual concern over her - to arguing with one another _over their mutual concern_ for her in a matter of seconds.

_God but she loved these two idiots._

‘’Lo, Bones. Mister Spock.’’ She croaked out between her laughter and they turned equally mutinous expressions towards her.

‘’Don’t speak Kid. Your throat has seen better days. Why didn’t you let me know she was awake Spock?’’ McCoy questioned irately and Jim rolled her one good eye.

‘’He didn’t know I was awake because he was asleep.’’ She whispered and she watched her Vulcan look down to the ground in embarrassment.

‘’I apologis…’’

‘’Well, hell… At least you went to sleep. I thought I told you not to come back until morning. It’s only four am!’’ McCoy groused and Spock lifted a brow.

‘’Technically Doctor McCoy, four hundred hours is considered to in fact _be morning_. I have not violated your imaginary rules.’’ He quipped and he took a step towards her.

‘’Argh, I give up!’’ She giggled at Bones and shook her head at him.

‘’Bones, if I promise to let you do a full exam on me later, would you mind giving me and Spock a minute?’’ she pleaded with him, batting the lashes of her one working eye.

‘’Captain, I can return later if you wish to converse....’’

‘’Jim, you need to rest! You nearly died!’’

‘’Please Bones, I need to speak to Spock.’’

‘’Fine. But when your heart gives out from too much going on, don’t come runnin’ to me!’’ he spat and stormed out of the room.

‘’Don’t worry about him Spock.’’ She said as she saw Spock’s curious gaze follow him out of the room. ‘’He’s just worried, that’s all.’’

‘’I am aware of the concept of concern, as it is one I have suffered through, for the past two weeks, one day and eleven hours.’’ Spock says quietly, taking his seat beside her again.

Jim feels a blush spread across her face at his admission and she wishes she could reach out a hand to touch him again.

‘’Are you very angry with me?’’ she rasps and his head snaps up.

‘’Angry? Negative Captain. I am not angry. I am … at a loss for words to describe just how displeased I am.’’ He says and Jim watches his eyes darken.

‘’With me?’’ she prompts again, her hand withdrawing from his side to lay flat on her aching chest.

‘’Negative. With myself in fact.’’

‘’What? That’s ridiculous. You have no reason to pissed with yourself over what happened to me.’’

‘’If I had not forced myself so deep into meditation the night we first stayed ashore, I would have heard your abductors arrive. I would have been able to prevent you from being taken. You would not have had to suffer like this. I am completely responsible for what you have had to endure and for that I recommend that you report me for disciplinary action. I have been negligent in my duties towards you Captain.’’

‘ _’Shut up_ Spock.’’ Jim hisses at him and his spine snaps back into his chair.

‘’I beg your pardon?’’

‘’You heard me. I said _shut up._ ’’

‘’I do not under…’’

‘’Of course you don’t you self-sacrificing moron!’’ she growls and he becomes alarmed as she forces herself into a sitting position, her quiet moans of pain she lets out during this movement making the alarms of her monitors beep loudly.

_She can’t believe him. What the hell? This wasn’t his fault. Report him to Starfleet? Was he insane?_

‘’Are you out of your Vulcan mind, Mister Spock? How could you even think that I would blame all of this on you? I would never _in a million years_ report you for any perceived grievance, never mind one where you are actually innocent. You didn’t do this to me’’ she points with her pinkie towards her face ‘’ You were the one who found me, who came for me. Who saved my ass again.’’ She shouts at him as his eyes continue to widen the more she yells at him.

‘’ _Don’t you dare_ take this wonderful thing you did and turn it into a reason to slink back into that Vulcan hole of repressed feelings. I won’t stand for it anymore. You say you’re my friend so act like it dammitt. I am going to thank you for saving me and all you are going to say is ‘You are welcome Jim’. _Do I make myself clear Mister Spock?_ ’’

‘’Affirmative.’’

‘’Thank you for saving me Spock.’’

‘’You are welcome… Jim.’’

‘’Good. Now that’s that.’’

‘’Indeed.’’

Jim huffed as the last of her energy seeped out of her and she lay back on the bed, her eyes still trained on the wary Vulcan, who was equally staring at back at her with confusion evident on his face.

‘’What?’’ she mumbles, now feeling a little foolish to have lost her temper like that.

‘’It is nothing. Simply that … I am gratified, that you are alive and well.’’

‘’Oh.’’

She turns her head to the side, not wanting him to see the red blush that had attached itself to her face like a leech, at his words. She cleared her throat and stretched out her bandaged hand to his side and waited.

He grasped her hand gently over the bandages, an imperceptible squeeze was given and he rose from his chair.

‘’Captain, I will leave you to rest. We have much to discuss as well as paperwork to fill out in regards to your abduction and the events leading to and from it. The heads of department also wished to be briefed on their next course of action.’’ He says and she hears a rustle of fabric being rearranged.

She sneaks a look at him and she gulps as she catches the last movement of his hands running up and down his toned torso, his hands gliding from his chest down to his waist in smooth petting motions. _Back to staring at the wall it is_ she mused, embarrassed at nearly being caught ogling him petting himself.

‘’Mister Spock… You can stay if you want. I mean, if you don’t have anything else to do, or uh, if you....’’

‘’Jim. I will stay if you wish me to.’’

‘’I do.’’

‘’As you wish then.’’ She hears him sit back down and he sighs.

She brings her bandaged hand up to her mouth, rolling slowly onto her side and ducks her head as she smiles into her hand.

Oh god, he was adorable with that curl of hair around his ear.

*********************************************************************

The briefing the next morning took place with -as you would expect -a large amount of yelling from all sides. Half of the department heads were adamant that she never set foot on the planet again – Spock and McCoy- included, while the other half were adamant that she had to go down in order to complete negotiations with the King.

Jim had forced Bones to allow her to attend this meeting and when she had been rolled in on a wheelchair, the looks and gasps of shock on her crews faces were what started this hole shouting match. She wished she had the use of her fingers to pinch the bridge of her nose in irritation.

‘’Will everyone calm the hell down!’’ she screamed at them, her vocal chords positively aching at the strain of yelling.

With sheepish and offended looks alike, the crew took to their seats around the table and Jim was pushed to the middle so that she could address them all properly.

‘’So, why exactly did it take over two weeks to find me?’’ she asked and everyone around the table flinched. _Yeah, there was her tact or rather… lack of it._

‘’Aye Captain, I can say that this time there was no ion storm or weather pattern that hindered us, rather you see, it was a case of our scanners being, err, too weak to pick up yer signal. You were very far underground lassie.’’ Scotty chirped and she narrowed her eyes.

‘’Why exactly are we able to scan planets from orbit to determine whether a planet has life but you can’t track a single person who has a goddamn tracker implanted in their body?’’ she asked again sweetly.

‘’Aye, eh, well… Mister Spock?’’ Scotty squeaked again with a pleading look in his eyes.

‘’Captain, once we had discovered that you had been taken, naturally an immediate search of the surrounding area was planned. We were not aware of the catacombs beneath the King’s residence and he did not mention them until exactly three days prior to your rescue.’’ Spock stated in his monotone voice, avoiding his captains gaze.

‘’We then returned to the ship to alter the parameters and setting of our scanning equipment, only to discover an intricate maze system of tunnels and canyons beneath the ground and mapping the area proved to be a … troublesome task.’’ He continued and now looking directly at her his eyes softened at the corners.

‘’We did everything in our power to seek you out Captain and by the time we had triangulated your position underground you had already made your way to the surface. Once we had locked on to your location we immediately beamed down to your coordinates.’’ He concluded and Jim sighed.

It’s not like she was blaming them, but what if someone other than herself had been taken. God forbid what If Spock was ever taken from her and he was put through what she experienced?

‘’Guys, I’m not … reprimanding you for not finding me in time …’’ Jim stuttered now feeling guilty.

‘’Aye lassie, we understand.’’ Scotty placated her, patting her on the shoulder from his position next to her. She saw Spock take a breath, his nostrils flaring as soon as contact with her was made.

_What the hell was that all about?_

She shook her head and looked around the table.

‘’I want to thank you all for your concern, however once I have recovered to an extent where I can walk again, I will be going back down to the planet to wrap up our business.’’ She said and forestalling any comebacks with a hand held up, she shushed them again.

‘’I mean it. That’s an order.’’

The crew who were against it continued to grumble but she tuned them out, her attention being drawn to Spock. His hands were clasped together in front of him on the table and his eyes were closed, a muscle twitched in his jaw and she saw him tilt his head to the side as the noise in the room once again escalated.

‘’McDonnaghue, I need you to put together a proposal for me. Either the King enforces the law for abolishing conscription right now, _this very second_ or I will take my ship and leave him and his planets dilithium to rot. Starfleet be damned. In the beginning I hadn’t planned on getting involved but seeing as how though it was his own brother who graced me with his presence each night, I think he owes me. Squeeze him for all you can. This nonsense is stopping now.’’ She said again softly and nodding her head to Spock, she watched him rise from his seat to step up behind her.

‘’The Captain will be on medical leave for the next four days. All immediate or urgent business should be delegated amongst you as you see fit. I will be also, of course, be available to further aid you should you have any questions.’’ Spock said and without further ado he wheeled her out of the room.

**************************************************************

Her medical leave consisted of her trying to escape her wheelchair and bitching at Bones for not allowing her to drink coffee. She loved coffee.  Two, three cups in the morning and then and only then, did she feel human enough to socialise with the rest of the crew. She sipped her drink, smirking at Bones who had lost this argument with her and he cursed.

‘’Jim, coffee ain’t gonna help you sleep. How do you expect to get healthy if you keep doing the exact opposite of what I say? I’m the CMO dammit. Listen to me!’’ he complained loudly, trying to remove the cup of steaming java out of her hands.

‘’No way, you know how much I love coffee. I only have a few vices in my life Bones and you’ve managed to stop me from enjoying most of them. You aren’t winning this one.’’ To her immense delight Spock walked into sickbay and lifted his eyebrow questioningly when he spotted her.

‘’Captain.’’ He greeted her with a nod and she smiled at him in return. ‘’Doctor, I could hear your dulcet tones from exactly one hundred steps away. Is there a problem?’’

‘’Of course there’s a bloody problem. Jim is being a stubborn ass as per usual. Maybe you can get her to listen to you!’’

‘’Bones wants me to cut down on my intake of caffeine. I told him where he could shove that idea.’’

‘’Captain, as ideas have no physical shape it is unlikely that you could shove it anywhere. However if you do succeed I would ask to be present - as the facial expressions of Doctor McCoy’s would be fascinating to study.’’ He said with a twitch of his mouth, his amusement apparent as Jim began to laugh.

‘’On another note, I do agree with McCoy. If you plan on proceeding with your idea of having a child, caffeine is not conducive for a foetuses health.’’

‘’Yeah, ok.’’ She sighed and looked forlornly down at her cup, feeling like someone had just kicked her puppy. ‘’I’ll cut down to two a day okay?’’

‘’That is still not acceptable, however I am pleased that you are making an attempt at the very least.’’

‘’Oh, sure. Listen to the hobgoblin but ignore me!’’ Bones whinged.

‘’Hey Bones, how soon can I go ahead with the whole getting’ me knocked up thing?’’ she asked over the rim of her cup and the men stopped their silent glaring at one another to gape at her.

‘’Jim, after what you just went through, you aren’t in any condition to be waltzing around trying to get pregnant.’’

‘’But I think it’s a great time. After this mission, I will have healed and we’ve got nothing planned except for a few months of star charting and that damned charity ball that Starfleet is hosting on starbase ten.’’ She swallows her sip of magic and sighs. ‘’ I think we should just bite the bullet and get on with it. You know what they say…no time like the present.’’

She looks between the two of them, noticing how Spock had become a statue once more, expressionless to the extreme while Bones had taken to walking round to his desk and flicking on his terminal.

‘’Well, we’d need to get you off contraceptives first, that will take about a week when I dose you with the correct hypo, but yeah kid, as long as you’re healthy, I don’t see why we should wait if this is what you really want.’’ Bones said flopping down in his chair and she notes with amusement how he was pulling on his hair.

‘’What’s up Bones? You look stressed at the thought of me being preggers.’’ She chuckles and ducks when he throws a stylus at her.

‘’Of course I’m stressed out about it. It’s YOU. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and I’m the one that’s gonna have to clean up the mess. Spock, help a guy out here. When she goes and pops out a green blooded elf baby, who do you think is gonna have to work overtime to care for all its medical needs?’’

‘’Green-blooded? I am assuming you have made your final decision then.’’ Spock says quietly and Jim can’t help but wonder why he sounds disappointed.

‘’Uh, yeah, remember I told you before all this happened. I’ve uh, chosen a Vulcan donor.’’ She says quickly, hiding her face in her cup as much as she was able.

‘’I see.’’ He walked to the empty seat across from her and sat down.

‘’I have to warn you that it took my parents a matter of two years to conceive me naturally.’’ Spock says while intertwining his fingers.

‘’Yeah, but if the first one doesn’t take, we can always try again. Hell, maybe we could just get a Vulcan nearby to help you out?’’ Bones says with an evil glint in his eye while Jim glares daggers at him from across the room.

‘’Another Vulcan? Doctor McCoy I think you will find that most male Vulcans are not as … generous… with their contributions as the donor you have selected. It will be difficult to find another as most of my species males have taken to bonding immediately since the destruction of Vulcan.’’ He states somewhat angrily and Bones starts to laugh.

‘’Well in that case, we can just ask Spock... err, I mean other Spock, if he wouldn’t mind giving you his … contribution.’’

‘’Absolutely not.’’ Spock growls and his seat clatters to the floor as he stands, Jim nearly dropping her cup of coffee in fright at the unexpected movement.

‘’Forgive me Captain. I believe I will report back to the bridge.’’

‘’What the hell is wrong with you Bones?’’ Jim hisses as the doors close behind Spock.

‘’What? I just wanted to see how he was taking all of this.’’ He says innocently and Jim swears at him in three different languages.

‘’You’ve pissed him off and now I’m gonna have to deal with it.’’ She sighs and puts her cup down on the table next to her. She waves off his attempt to apologise for being childish and wheels herself out of the room.

She heads back to her quarters, being back on light-duty sucked, the only thing she was allowed to do was file her reports and read through reports and die from boredom by dealing with all the reports.

‘’Captain Kirk. Bridge to Captain Kirk.’’ She slams her hand down on the intercom.

‘’Kirk here.’’

‘’Captain, we have received word from the King, that he is amenable to your conditions. However he requests an audience with you, three days from now.’’

‘’Send a transmission back that I’ll be there. Kirk out.’’ She snaps and she rolls on over to her bed, dragging her tired body onto it. It’s not like she couldn’t walk but having three broken ribs and a recent incision from surgery made it painful to do so. So she avoided it where she could.

She bit at her lip as she tried to think of why Spock suddenly threw a tantrum. What the hell was going on with him? Better yet, what the hell was going on with her? She thought about him constantly lately. Her fingers were itching to curl his hair again, to have it wrapped around her skin again. She smiled in to her pillow as she remembered his purring when she had stroked his ear.

_Does he do that often? Or only when you stroke his ears? Where else would you have to touch him to get him to make that noise?_

She sat up blindingly fast on her bed, her hands coming up to her face again as she berated herself over and over again for thinking about Spock in sexual terms. This nonsense right here had to stop!

Oh god, but his skin was so soft. And green. And she loved green things…

She groaned and fell back on the bed, pulling a pillow between her legs as she squirmed at the thoughts now invading her mind.

******************************************************************

Getting dressed the next morning Jim hobbled from her wheelchair and pressed the chime to Spock’s door through their connecting bathroom. Hearing his muffled ‘enter’ she hovered in the doorway. It had been three days since she had gotten more than ten words from him.

‘’Mister Spock. I will be transporting down to the planet’s surface in about an hour. I thought I should let know.’’ She said simply and she watched him uncross his legs from his position on the floor and he stood up with his back facing her. She turned to leave, a feeling of disappointment in her gut at his continued cold treatment towards her when she heard him say wait.

‘’Are you alright Spock?’’ she dared to ask him and he turned to face her.

‘’I am adequate Captain.’’ He responded and she snorted.

‘’Why _exactly_ is it that when you receive answers to the questions you ask of me, you immediately dismiss them as false?’’ he asked her waspishly and her eyebrows disappeared into her hairline.

‘’Excuse me Mister Spock, but I think I’ve known you long enough now to determine whether you are bullshitting me or not.’’ She snapped back and she placed her now healing hands on her hips in defiance at his attitude.

‘’I am not ‘bullshitting’ you, Captain.’’ He half growled and Jim spun around, not having the energy to argue with him today of all days but he stops her by crossing the room and towering over her, making her tilt her head up to look at him.

‘’You _are_ angry with me aren’t you?’’ she snaps and he folds his arms over his chest and she would swear he just avoided the urge to roll his eyes at her.

‘’Yes. But the reasons why should not be discussed in the middle of the lavatory.’’

‘’My quarters then.’’ She pouts and folds her own arms around herself as she stalks back to her room.

‘’Very well.’’

Reaching her room, she goes to stand in the corner where her desk is situated and leans back on it while he begins to pace, two steps at a time before he turns and repeats.

‘’Captain, it has now been brought to my attention that you harbour feelings of wanting to perish before your time. Indeed, this has been made _glaringly_ obvious. You have ignored our protests and you are insisting on returning to a planet where you endured extensive torture as well as being inappropriately propositioned by the King. Who might I add - _has the exact same motives for you as his brother has, only to a slightly less aggressive degree._ I have come to the conclusion that you cannot be trusted with your own safety and it falls to me to deliver the harsh truth. You are irresponsible with your own safety and I will no longer stand for it. ‘’

His chest is heaving after his admonishment of her, his hands clasped behind his back now and a subtle shake to his shoulders told her exactly how pissed off he was with her.

‘’What in the actual hell is going on with you?!’’ she throws her hands in the air, her confusion and brimming anger at being told she apparently wanted to die, so thick in her veins she could barely breathe.

‘’How do you expect to raise a child, to have one grow within you, especially if you are entertaining thoughts of having MY child, if  you cannot even listen to reason when it comes to your own safety?’’ She hears him mutter absentmindedly and she splutters in shock.

‘’Wha – I –You – how the hell!’’ she can’t finish her sentence, her mind spinning around in ludicrous circles of thought as she tries to figure out exactly what it is that he is trying to say.

‘’Are you even aware of what it is that you just said? Your child? Wha- I mean, you’re getting married for god’s sake! The whole reason I didn’t ask you is because you have Uhura and there is no way in hell that she would be okay with this.’’ She tries to explain, her palms up and her cheeks a brilliant shade of red.

‘’I am aware that you never intended to ask me. I overheard your conversation with McCoy.’’ He presses and she puts both hands over her face.

‘’What are you even saying right now?’’ She squeaks out shaking her head vigorously.

‘’I mean, I would totally go for it, if it was the other you offering me this …’’

‘’Unacceptable! It would not make a difference. It would still be MY child that you would be carrying.’’ He snaps and her arms drop.

‘’Have you even thought about what it is that you are saying? You’re basically telling me that you _want_ to make a baby with me!’’

‘’I have thought about it. Repeatedly. _Ad nauseam_. In fact I find that I can think of little else since the matter was brought to my attention.’’ He hisses at her and strides across the room to stand before her.

‘’Spock, while I would never turn you down, I had never even _considered_ asking you to do this for me. With me. There is too much to consider, too much to think about.’’ She says softly as she slumps in her seat.

‘’Well, Captain. Might I suggest that you consider it. Immediately.’’

Her mouth hangs open and she can hear him breathing. He was too close. Too close…

_What the hell is happening?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay folks. My pc died and i had to take it in to revive it.. Come to think of it... my wallet is pretty freaking dead right now too. Gah! Hate being poor. £45 to fix a bloody charger component inside my laptop. 
> 
> Anyway, i wanted to warn you guys that my chapters may be slowing in coming for the next week. My in laws are moving in with me for a week. *Yikes* 
> 
> Let me know if you enjoyed the chapter. Am i going to fast with the story? Too slow? 
> 
> Thank you again for reading! Love you all to death!


	8. Chapter 8

_What the hell was happening?_

She leans back in her seat, wondering whether closing her eyes will make the world stop spinning. She can hear him breathing in her right ear as he leans over her and she jumps when she feels a finger tilting her head to the side.

‘’This mark is not healing adequately.’’ He hums low as he observes the bite on her neck. He takes a step back, her breath coming now in bursts of adrenaline. Did she really think he was going to kiss her? She swallowed nervously, not knowing whether she wanted to grab him and pull him forward to do so herself… or... God, her brain was spinning itself in circles at the thought of him kissing her.

She can do nothing but ‘mmm’ in response as she watches him return to his pacing, the racing of her heart rendering her temporarily speechless.

‘’It – angers me, Jim, that you insist on putting yourself in a position where _that_ , ‘’ he points at her neck with a jab of his finger, ‘’ carries the possibility of happening again.’’

‘’Never mind _that_! Don’t go changing the subject!’’

‘’I am trying to discuss multiple subjects at once, Captain. All carry relevance to the topic at hand.’’ He snaps and she tsks at him as he glares at her.

‘’Come _on,_ please don’t be so angry with me. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.’’ She mumbles petulantly.

His eyes are vibrant, the normal dark depths of his usual brown, taking on hues of gold and greens the longer her glared at her. His lips seemed to be a tinge greener than they were earlier and his face was flushed with frustration. With a shake to her head she takes her first steady breath and tries to calm the situation down.

‘’Spock… Please?’’ she sighs and her hand comes up to rub at her forehead.

‘’I do not know why you possess the ability to bring forth actions and emotions from me that I have fought to control for most of my life. I do not understand why you affect me so.’’ She hears him mutter, as if though he had forgotten about her presence and was speaking to himself.

‘’I am uncomfortable, Captain, at the thought of you and my counterpart producing offspring together. He is old enough to be your grandfather twice over. It is not logical.’’

‘’Yeah, but Spock, even if I was going to ask him to be a donor, I don’t see how his age would be something to stop me from doing that. It’s not like I’m looking to marry the guy.’’ She countered, now rubbing at her eyes with the palm of her hand.

‘’McCoy mentioned –‘’

‘’He was teasing you Spock!’’ she says angrily and she gets to her feet with a wince, ignoring his protest that she sit back down. ‘’Wait a minute! Is this why you’ve been blowing hot and cold on me all month? Because you found out I wanted your kid? What the hell? Why didn’t you just come and talk to me about it?’’

He grinds his teeth and folds his arms, a small huff escaping between his lips.

‘’Spock, I’m gonna need you to be honest with me here since it seems that this is … _obviously_ …bothering you.’’ she waves a hand at his agitated state, ‘’so talk to me. Please.’’

‘’Since I overheard your conversation with McCoy… I find myself restless. When I heard that you would prefer to have my child, it caused unfamiliar feelings in me to the surface. I have tried meditating in order to eradicate these emotions, however it seems that I am incapable of doing so.’’ Jim watches him bring his clasped hands to his mouth and he takes a seat across from her on the edge of her bed, his elbows resting on his knees as he looks up to catch her gaze.

She sees the tense lines of his shoulders, the creases of concern and lack of sleep surrounding his eyes, the way his skin seemed to be pulled tight across his high cheekbones. He looked almost ill. She smacked away the impulse to hug him.

‘’Spock, I’m sorry that I’m the cause of all your stress. I hope you know that I would never go out of my way to make you uncomfortable… I don’t _want to die_ Spock, so you really don’t need to be so angry with me. And as for me wanting your …’’ she starts to stammer but he shakes his head and she falls silent.

‘’Jim, do you intend to ask my counterpart for his co-operation in becoming pregnant?’’ he asks her seriously and she can’t help but sigh at this adorable idiot.

‘’No, Mister Spock. I have no intention to ask him for his... _contribution._ If I was, I would’ve talked to you about it first. As you so rightly pointed out, it would be no different to me and you having children.’’

‘’I see.’’

She pulls on the hairband of her ponytail, tightening it as she hobbles over to him. Sinking down gingerly on the bed beside him she grins.

‘’Spock… thank you, for caring enough to get angry. I’m so sorry that I’ve caused you to lose control like this, but I can’t say that I’m not happy that you actually care.’’ He turns his head to look at her when she leans back on her arms.

‘’Captain… Jim. I am at a loss as to explain precisely why I am so agitated by my counterpart. There is this sense of _competition_ between the two of us when it comes to you. I fear that you may … compare us. It is illogical of me to think this way. I do not want your opinion of me to lessen the more you discover about him.’’

She can’t help the smile on her face as she sits up, she lifts her hand up as if to touch him and he arches an eyebrow in question. He nods at her as her hand draws nearer. She skims two fingers beneath his chin, pulling his face downwards and slowly she places a kiss of affection on his forehead.

She hears his breath hitch and she instinctively strengthens her own shields so that he feels only half of what is currently threatening to consume her. Adoration for this kind, brave, wonderful man. She draws back from him and his eyes are closed.

‘’Spock, you will never, ever have to worry about your place in my life. You can and you will never be replaced. I care about you far too much and there is nothing in this universe that could change how I think and feel about you.’’

‘’Will you not consider me as a donor then?’’ he asks again, a hint of pleading in his voice.

‘’’Spock I would like to. Hell, you have no idea how much I wish I could take you up on that. But I can’t.’’ she says sadly, her eyes leaving his face as his mouth twists in disappointment.

‘’May I ask why?’’ Jim notices a twitch in his jaw and she hopes she isn’t bringing out his earlier anger.

‘’I’ll ask you this instead. Have you discussed this with Uhura? Have you spoken to the woman who you will be bonding with, about having a child with me?’’

‘’I-I have not discussed this with her. I needed to come to terms with this myself. Uhura is an intelligent woman, Jim. Surely she will see the logic in this decision. You wish to bring a child into this universe. A Vulcan child and while I am only … half Vulcan… you have indicated that you wish to carry my child regardless. I am able to provide you with what you need. I see no reason not to. In fact I would be honoured to do so.’’

Jim stared at him, eyes blinking stupidly. Her mouth opened. It closed. It opened again and she burst out laughing. She fell back on the bed. Her laughter was filled with exasperation and a touch of madness at this man’s complete and utter stupidity when it came to women.

‘’Are you serious?!’’ she groans. ‘’It’s not that simple! Logical, my ass!’’

‘’I do not understand why you are laughing Captain.’’ He growls, his hackles rising as he stands up and crosses his arms again, staring down at her, the twitch in his jaw pulsing a mile a minute now.

‘’Mister Spock. If you and I were engaged, _no, no hear me out_ – If you and I were engaged I would sooner see you _dead_ than fathering another woman’s child. If I loved you with _everything_ I had, which I’m sure Uhura does, then there is no way that she will ever agree to this. Women don’t work that way Spock. You can’t just say ‘Hey Honey, I’m gonna knock up my captain because she really wants a Vulcan child and I see no reason not to.’’ He makes a face at the nickname, his nose slightly scrunching up.

Jim places a hand on her chest, her ribs aching from laughing and she lifts up a hand silently asking him to help her up. He pulls her up by her wrist and folds his arms again once she had gained her footing.

‘’Captain, please cease your laughter and take this matter seriously.’’ He scolds and she rolls her eyes.

‘’Fine. Give me one good reason - apart from how happy it would make me - why I should accept your offer?’’

He drops his hands to his sides, blue clad chest rising as he takes a breath and she can’t help holding her own while she waits for his answer, her blood rushing in her ears and she is surprised to see the tips of his ears turn green.

‘’I want to do this. No, I must do this. I do not know why, but there is _something_ inside of me that cannot turn from this. I want to do this Jim, because if you are happy, then in turn, so am I.’’

_God help her but she ached for this. She wanted this._

‘’Okay.’’

‘’Truly?’’

‘’Yeah, if you can get Uhura to agree to this.’’

‘’I beg your pardon?’’

‘’If you can convince your fiancée, then yeah, Mister Spock. I want to have your baby.’’

He swallows and the green of his ears are joined by the green of well... _everywhere_ now really.

‘’And if she does not agree?’’

‘’Then I will go ahead with the Vulcan donor I chose before you came in here and blew my mind with all of this.’’

His eyes narrow. Ah, there was that twitch again. Except now it had taken to moving from his jaw to the corner of his left temple, above his eye.

_Okay, so he obviously didn’t like that idea._

‘’I see. Very well then. I will discuss the matter with Nyota tonight over our evening meal.’’

‘’Oh god, I don’t want to be _anywhere_ _near you_ when that conversation takes place. I only have one thing to ask of you Spock.’’

‘’You may ask.’’

‘’When she says no, don’t push her to change her mind, because she won’t and even though she and I aren’t friends, you and I _are_ and I would hate to be responsible for your relationship ending or causing you any pain. Which may very well happen, if you go through with this.’’ She sighs regretfully, knowing that either way the bridge would be awkward as hell until everything calmed down.

He opens his mouth to respond but the intercom chimes from her desk, the sound of it making her jump.

‘’Kirk here.’’ She says automatically as she continues to watch Spock from the corner of her eye. He had taken to once again patting himself down, smoothing those non-existent wrinkles out of his uniform.

‘’Ah, Captain. We’re all ready for ya lass. Whenever you need to be beaming down...’’

‘’I’m on my way Scotty.’’ She flicks off the intercom and turns to her Vulcan.

‘’Mister Spock, are you joining me or not?’’

‘’Captain, I urge you to reconsider your current course of action.’’

‘’No, Spock. I’m going down with or without you.’’

‘’As you say then.’’ He hisses.

‘’Fine.’’ She throws right back at him.

Were they always going to be like this? Like someone throwing fire on gasoline? One moment everything is all hunky-dory and the next they’re back to being at each other’s throats?

**************************************************************************************************

Beaming back down to the planet was a little daunting. Her hand hovered over the phaser strapped to her hip and she scanned her surroundings constantly as an armed escort led her, Spock and four members of her security team to the King’s chambers. She knew that nothing would happen to her, especially not with Spock all but literally breathing down the back of her neck – causing goose bumps to break out whenever it happened – but she still couldn’t help being overly cautious.

‘’Jim!’’ the King cooed as he rushed from his plush throne, around the table. His arms opening wide as he approached her and she sighed as she realised Spock was once again going to have a conniption if this man so much as came within ten feet of her.

True to form, before the King could come within fifteen steps of her, her Vulcan stepped forward. Using his height to his advantage, he stood tall and imposing, his eyes giving a clear signal of ‘ _I shall inflict damage upon your person should come any closer_ ’. The King stopped in place and cleared his throat in embarrassment when he faced down the promise of pain emanating from her first officer.

Jim poked Spock in the back with her index finger and wiggles it to her side. When he turned his death-stare on her, she shot one of her own back and he stepped to where she was pointing instead. She dug deep and found a smile for the King and she took a step forward, ignoring the grumble from her security team and the almost palpable irritation from her first officer.

‘’Your Highness. I apologise for not being able to attend sooner, but I was a bit tied up.’’ She smirks and the King had the grace to blush.

‘’Jim. I cannot express how truly sorry I am that you became involved in my brothers little scheme. It’s such a shock to not only myself, but to the rest of my people as well.’’ He shakes his head sadly.

‘’I do not know how to repay you for the suffering you experienced at his hand and I only hope that you do not judge us too harshly. As requested, I have agreed to your conditions and despite several long hours of debating, we managed to decree that from now on all child labour and slavery is forbidden. Any who do not comply will be charged and tried accordingly.’’ The King states as he takes a step closer to her.

Hearing movement from behind her, Jim rolls her eyes and withholds a groan as her men converge on her like white on rice.

‘’Please captain, if you would, tell your men that you are in no danger from me, I would appreciate it. So much hostility in one room is rather stifling, wouldn’t you agree?’’ He asks politely and she turns her look of ‘ _I am the Captain – obey me’_ on her over-protective men, who all reluctantly take a few steps back.

Except for Spock. He had taken root like a goddamn tree and wouldn’t move regardless of what she said or did.

‘’Your highness, there are no need for apologies. You have fulfilled your side of the bargain, so let’s get down to business shall we?’’ she prompts and he nods his head, waving to a seat and she steps forward to claim it.

‘’Your Highness ‘’ Spock rumbles ‘’ what of your brother? What _punishment_ will he face in light of recent events? The kidnapping and torture, not to mention the attempted murder of a Starfleet Captain, carries a minimum of twenty years in a penal colony.’’ He says icily and Jim refrains from smacking him over the back of the head.

‘’Ah. Yes. Well, my brother has been taken into custody, He will face justice but I fear that because he is of Royal Blood he will be spared the death penalty. Which is customary for the crimes he committed.’’

Jim shivers as she realised this man would essentially get a few years in prison and then go on to do the same shit over again. He did say that he had claimed her…What if he was serious? Was she allowed to smack Kings over the back of their heads as well?

Her palm twitched.

Spock noticed her distress at the news and subtly shifted his leg beneath the table, bumping his knee into hers on purpose. She stole a glance at him from beneath her lashes as the King continued to talk. She pressed her knee back into him with a small smile.

 _Thank you_ she thought loudly at him and his chin dipped imperceptibly.

‘’Your highness, what of Na’rayel?’’ Jim queried and the King’s smile slipped from his face.

‘’Jim, Na’rayel was publicly disowned in front of the entire court. There were documents signed to that effect stating that he no longer has any ties to the Royal Blood. I am working on repealing those but it will take time. I have been speaking to your communications officer and she often uses a phrase I find most curious. ‘Rome was not built in a day’. I think that it fits quite nicely in this situation.’’

‘’Okay, but what happens to him in the meantime? Where will he stay? Who will look after him? I want in on record that that boy is _hero_. He is the bravest, strongest child I know and without him I would have surely died down there in that god forsaken hole.’’ She growls and the King looks taken aback.

‘’I understand Captain, but for now he will be sent to an orphanage, along with the rest of the children. I give you my vow that as soon as all his documentation has been taken care of, I will bring him back here to live with me.’’ He said in a tone of voice that closed the matter entirely.

‘’I-I… Very well. Thank you.’’ She forces herself to say and she gives him a closed lip smile.

‘’Captain… Forgive me for asking, but I heard one of my guards mention that my brother had … claimed you. Is this true? I must confess that I had similar thoughts upon meeting you, however it is not something one does without permission and certainly not without a lot of thought.’’ He hums as he waits for her answer, his eyes flicking towards the mark on her neck and she hears a loud crack come from her left a moment later.

She snaps her head round to look at Spock, only to see that he was holding the shattered remains of his glass in his hand. A trickle of green blood flowed from his index finger down to his wrist and she reacted on instinct.

Without thinking she grabbed his hand, with both of hers and tugged it to her face to inspect the cut and she was immediately bombarded by feelings of possessiveness, shock, guilt and a heady mix of confusion to boot. Electricity seemed to crackle between the two of them the moment their hands met and both of them let out quick, startled gasps at the sensation.

She was ashamed to admit that that tingle travelled directly down to her groin and that she must have let out what could only shamefully be called a _mewl,_ before she dropped his hand like someone had set it on fire. Her hand flew to her head and she pulled on her ponytail, fidgeting with her hair, squirming in her seat.

She hears a snicker come from one of the redshirts and she realises that she has basically just _made out_ with her first officer in a room full of people and in front of a goddamn King. _And liked it! And she knew that they knew that she liked it and they knew that she knew that they …. Oh god!_

_Oh, Bones was going to have a field day with this._

‘’I’m sorry Mister Spock. It was just a r-reflex.’’ She squeaked out and she wished fervently that the ground would open up and swallow her whole.

‘’No apology is necessary, Captain.’’ He said between clenched teeth- but she noticed he was looking at the floor like he wanted to jump into that imaginary hole with her.

‘’Ah, I see you have already been claimed. Yes, yes… I can see now that there is much between the two of you. My apologies to you then Captain for being so direct in my advances the last time we met and Mister Spock, apologies to you as well for overstepping, I did not mean to challenge you for your mate.’’

To her complete and utter shock, Spock seemed to suddenly appear...smug. Almost pleased with this outcome and an image of a preening peacock popped into her head at the sight of him. All puffed up, proud and blue.

‘’No, your Highness! Its no—OW, _godammit!_ ’’ she spluttered when she felt the back of a steel tipped boot collide with her shin.

‘’Are you alright Jim?’’ the King asked, his voice laced with concern and she really, really just wanted to tell all men in the vicinity to _Just.Go.To.Hell._

She discreetly places a finger just above Spocks’ knee and dropping her shields entirely, practically screams at him telepathically _: WE WILL BE HAVING WORDS ABOUT THIS LATER._

She watched with satisfaction as he flinched.

‘’Ah, yes. I’m sorry. I seemed to have bumped my knee.’’ She grimaced on purpose for effect.

‘’Oh dear, do be more careful.’’ He tutted at her.

‘’Now Captain, shall we sign our own documents and complete the negotiations which you were sent here for?’’ The king grinned at her and she nodded enthusiastically at him, eager to get back to her ship.

As the meeting stretched on for another hour, the final few lines of the contract being tied up all neatly into one package, she sighed in relief as she stood from the table. Her body was by this point on the verge of going on strike if she didn’t get to lie down soon and she was eternally grateful that it all ended up only taking an hour.

_Bones must be going stir-crazy at the thought of me down here in my current condition._

‘’I can’t tempt you into spending the night here Jim? We will of course allocate you and Mister Spock a room together this time?’’ the King asked as they made their way back to the beam up point and she ignored the quiet titters of laughter from her crew.

‘’Uh, n-no thank you, your Highness. We’ve been delayed for too long and we need to get back on schedule with our mission.’’ Spock cleared his throat behind her and she kept her head directed towards the King.

‘’Pity. I enjoyed your company Captain. I do hope that one day you will return.’’

‘’Could I ask you one last favour?’’

‘’Anything, my dear.’’

‘’Could you let me see Na’rayel before I go?’’

‘’I will give you the co-ordinates for his orphanage.’’ He motioned to a man on his left who brought forth a padd with the information on it.

‘’Thank you.’’ She said a genuine smile on her face and even Spock inclined his head in thanks.

‘’Once again, Jim. It was an absolute delight to meet you.’’ He said and throwing a quick glance at Spock, quickly stepped up to her and planted a kiss on her cheek before stepping back like a mischievous child. He waved goodbye at the rest of the crew and his men escorted him back to his chambers.

‘’Completely inappropriate.’’ Spock growled beneath his breath and she turned to face him and the rest of the redshirts who were in varying states of laughter.

‘’Go back to the ship. I’ll be up shortly.’’ She said, dismissing them and with a salute they called for beam up.

‘’Captain…’’

‘’Go back to the ship Spock. Sulu has the conn. and I’m sure he needs a break. I won’t be long.’’

‘’Jim. You will either allow me to accompany you to the orphanage or I will simply follow after you. Either way, forgive the insubordination, but I will not return to the ship without you.’’

She flipped her communicator open while staring Spock down. ‘’Scotty, you there?’’

‘’Aye Captain.’’

‘’Can you beam me to these co-ordinates?’’ she relays the information and she listens to the Scotsman hum as he inputs the data.

‘’Aye Lass, you should be all set ter go now.’’ Spock takes a step forward and she sighs.

‘’Thank you Mister Scott. Two to beam across please.’’

Spock steps to her side and she feels his elbow brush across her arm as he folds his hands in front of him. She looks up at him and scowls.

‘’Mister Spock, has anyone ever told you, that you can be rather irritating?’’ She asks and she can’t help but notice the look of satisfaction evident on his face.

******************************************************************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> Also... *Yawn* feeling utterly drained playing hostess to my in-laws. Anyone read any good Spirk stories lately? I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here in my search. It's come down to me attempting to read stories in other languages. P.S. if you do recommend one - Please for the love of god and all that is holy - make sure that it's a story where Spock does NOT use contractions or slang unless he is in the midst of some mind blowing sex or emotionally compromised. I cannot tell you how much it grates me to read stories where he's all like ''Oh yeah, Jim. I dig it. Youre cool. I love you long time.'' 
> 
> *Ahem*. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this short chapter. Next one will most likely involve a lot of Uhura and possibly her POV. But im still deciding. :)


	9. Chapter 9

‘’Na’rayel!’’ Jim shouted as she spotted him across the room. She was so pleased to see this little hero of hers that her smile was a brilliant sight to behold. His dark haired head snapped up from his position on the floor and when he saw her, he scrambled to his hands and knees, before bolting from the floor and running towards her.

Jim opened her arms and crouched as the boy flung himself into her embrace and she laughed as she picked him up in a bear hug, swinging him about a few feet off the floor. When she placed him back down, she combed her hands through his unruly hair and he swatted at her playfully.

‘’Jim. I am glad to see you are well.’’

‘’I’m doing great, Kid. You holding up okay over here?’’

‘’Yes. The matrons are very kind. I have many friends with which to play and my uncle, the King, has visited us twice since our rescue.’’

‘’That’s _fantastic_ Na’rayel. I only wish you could go straight at home instead of staying here.’’ She said sadly, her hands now combing his hair again.

‘’It is really not so bad.’’ He said ducking his head and looking around the hall. The other children were engaged in various games and a small smile turned his lips as he spotted a girl with red hair in the corner.

Jim bent back down and dropping her hands she looked up at the boy seriously, her expression pained.

‘’Na’rayel… I’m… I’m very sorry about your dad, that you had to do that… I mean… I really wish…’’

‘’Jim, I did what I needed to do. He was my father, once, a long time ago. I have memories of our time together that did not involve so much violence. I wanted to save you Jim, as you saved all of us.’’

Jim felt herself blush, her hand fiddling with the end of her pony tail over her shoulder and she cleared her throat, fighting off the swell of ‘ _awww_ ’ emotions.

‘’Well, we saved each other Na’rayel. Thank you.’’ She says giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. She chuckled as his mouth fell open and he blushed.

‘’Ah, before I forget… Spock!’’ she called over her shoulder and the Vulcan walked calmly up to her and she pointed to the kid. ‘’Spock, I’d like to introduce you to the young man who kept me alive.’’

‘’Indeed. Thank you Na’rayel. You have my gratitude for your efforts.’’ He intoned deeply and he bowed his head, looming over Jim protectively as he straightened.

‘’I- uh, I … I’m going to go play!’’ Na’rayel suddenly shouted before squeezing the life out of Jim with a hug. She laughed at the ever active eyebrow on Spock’s face, as the kid ran away to join the rest of the children.

‘’It seems you’re a little intimidating Mister Spock.’’ Jim nudged him with her elbow and he huffed.

‘’Clearly.’’ She watched him cock his head to side, the tell-tale sign of him wanting to ask her a question.

‘’Penny for your thoughts?’’

‘’I am simply contemplating Captain, how it is possible for you to form such bonds with children that you have just met. I have seen this before countless times when we have encountered other children. They seem inexplicably drawn to you. I find that personally, children are a mystery to me.’’

‘’Ah, well…. Mister Spock, have you read my file?’’

‘’Affirmative Captain, but only to ascertain your credentials and known list of allergies. I – I was not interested in your past life at that point in time.’’ He said guiltily and she shrugged.

‘’It’s no big deal, Spock. We weren’t really friends then. And… well, since you’re deadset on helping with me... well, you know... I guess I better give you a bit of my backstory.’’ She sighed as she scoped the room out, noticing a wooden bench in the corner. She led the way, Spock close at her back and the two sat down, facing the children playing, watching them.

‘’So I’m just gonna come right out and say it. I was on Tarsus.’’

She heard the natural intake of breath, the customary shocked, eye widening and the brief look of pity that she had been so accustomed to seeing whenever someone found out. Yeah, there it was. Plain as day on her Vulcans face.

‘’Jim… I do not ...’’

‘’Mister Spock, before you saying anything, I’d like to point out a few things ok? Firstly, yes what happened there was _monstrous_. Secondly, anyone who survived all of that will have a few issues here and there but I’m actually alright now with everything that happened. I am one of the Tarsus nine but what people don’t realise is that – I didn’t exactly see much of what was happening. In my entire time there, I saw a maximum of two dead bodies.’’

‘’You – How did – How old were you?’’ he stuttered, at a loss once again to understand how his Captain could be so nonchalant about the whole ordeal.

‘’I was fourteen. I was living with my stepfather and my brother, back on earth. Unfortunately, I – uh, had a bit of a rebellious streak and after doing a few _stupid things_ , my stepfather Frank, decided that a change of scenery was needed. So we rented out the farmhouse and the three of us settled down on Tarsus.’’

‘’Where was your mother?’’ he asked and she felt herself stiffen automatically, she turned her gaze back to the playing, carefree children and she snorted.

‘’Mom was never around.’’

‘’I have seen pictures in your quarters. Are those of Frank and your brother?’’

‘’Yeah, Frank was good you know? Like, he didn’t have to take on two spoiled brats, but he taught us how to fish, how to repair holes in our sweaters, he helped with our homework and when a boy I liked called me horrible names, he was there to console me. Hell… he taught me everything I needed to know about _surviving_. Me and Sam – my brother – we adored him.’’ She said with a gentle lift to her lips, the antics of the kids making her laugh quietly as they chased one another about.

‘’But about six months into our stay on Tarsus, we started to notice that the crops were dying, then the animals became diseased and then _they_ died and after that, people started to disappear. Frank came home every day looking a little bit older, a little bit more weary and one night, we were all sitting around the table, playing some stupid board game, our stomachs grumbling from hunger and three armed men stormed into the house.’’ Jim leaned back into the wooden seat and lifted her arms to clasp her hands behind her head, her eyes closing now as she relived it.

‘’It happened fast, Spock. No warning other than one guy saying ‘ _You have not been selected’_ and they opened fire on us. Frank had tried to get up to shield us, but my brother got hit first. He died straightaway. Frank just kept yelling at me to run. I swear it felt like hours while I stood there and watched him bleed out from his stomach… but it must have only been second or two. When they tried to make a grab for me – I bolted. I ran Spock, as fast as I could. I climbed out the window before they could get to me.’’

‘’Jim.’’ She opened her one eye and peered at him as she dropped her hands to her lap. His own eyes had closed as he considered everything she had told him. She hummed softly as she felt him move closer to her, the steady, solid warmth of his arm pressed against hers sending through small vibrations of comfort.

‘’After that, well, I ran as far away from the town as I could. Did you know that there are mining caves on Tarsus? Well, neither did I until I fell head first down a tunnel that had collapsed. I think I spent about two weeks alone down there at first. Thanks to all the camping trips with Frank through the years, it was a breeze to keep warm, to boil water and to stitch myself up when I got hurt. But because all the food was infected, I had to adapt so I learnt how to survive on fungus and roots that I found growing inside the cave.’’

‘’Were you not ill? With all your allergies I imagine that your choice of food has always been limited. More so, in that environment.’’ He asked and she leaned into his shoulder, waving at one of the kids as they ran past.

‘’Yeah, the first few days I was sick as hell, but it seems that you can build up a sort of immunity against anything if you introduce it into your system slowly and often enough.’’ Her head tilted and she rested it against his shoulder. She inhaled deeply, the scent of him, all dark, rich spices of incense calming her as she continued to talk.

‘’Eventually I came across a few other kids, who had run away like I had. The kids didn’t trust me at first, which was only natural, because I was a lot older than them, but I managed to coax them back into the mines with me. We lived Spock… and we did so quietly. We never left the mines; we didn’t laugh or play, or scout or do anything that would attract attention. There was enough water from a spring I found deeper in and while it was hard to watch the kids get thinner and more sickly each day, we lived regardless.’’

‘’So yeah, everyone who finds out about my time on Tarsus, always seem to give me this _look_. This very particular pity-filled look that states that they are surprised that I’m not a _basket case_ after living through what I did. I never saw Kodos. I never went back into town and I didn’t experience the horrors and famine that everyone else talks about.’’

‘’I kept the other eight kids alive, through sheer force of will. I hugged them when they cried, I healed them when they bled and I stroked their backs while they puked out the food I forced them to eat. Starfleet arrived about four months later… any later than that and I’m sure we would’ve all died down there.’’

‘’I am gratified that this was not the case.’’ He said with a small tinge of relief in his voice and she grinned, her right hand coming down on his arm and patting it in thanks.

‘’Yeah, I would have never met Bones, or become Captain and I would have never met you Mister Spock. So yeah, I am also gratified that I didn’t die back then.’’

Jim stayed that way for a while, her eyes watching the children laugh, play and live and she could not remember the last time she had felt so at peace. Her head was still resting on the hard shoulder of her First Officer and yet he made no move to dislodge her, instead he somehow tipped his body down, allowing for a more comfortable angle for her neck.

‘’So to answer your initial question Mister Spock, I guess kids just like me because I’ve spent a lot of time around them and know how to relate to them.’’

‘’Fascinating.’’ She heard him whisper and she smirked into his arm.

‘’Spock… _Thank you_. Even if Uhura says no, I want to thank you. For wanting to give me a chance at having another happy family. For doing this for me.’’

‘’You are welcome Jim.

******************************************************************************

‘’Jim, there you are darlin’. You were supposed to be back hours ago!’’ Bones yelled and she rolled her eyes.

‘’I’m alright _dad_. Spock was with me. We went to the orphanage. I wanted to check in on the kids.’’

‘’You don’t think you coulda’ given me a call and told me that? Spock’s not the only one who worries about you ya know.’’ He grumbled and she stepped into his arms to give him a hug.

‘’Sorry Bonesy.’’

‘’Hmph.’’

‘’Well I’m here now, so do your worst.’’ She grinned as she hopped up on the biobed, noting that sickbay was surprisingly empty.

‘’No one ill Bones?’’ she asked as she jerked her head at the other empty beds.

‘’Yeah and thank the devil for that.’’ He said as he filled a hypo with a yellow substance from one of the drawers next to him.

‘’Ok, darlin’. After this shot, you have about a week until you can start trying for kids. Have you picked one yet?’’

‘’Uh… well… Bones... It kind of all depends on Uhura at the moment.’’ She whispered and she quickly brought her hands up to shield herself from the inevitable ‘ _You’re a goddamn idiot’_ over the back of the head slap, that she was expecting to get.

‘’You are _shitting_ me Jim.’’

‘’I shit you not.’’

‘’Then you’re _fuckin’_ with me.’’

‘’We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I was.’’

She moaned as she rubbed the back of her head, the stealthy doctor managing to slap her regardless of her quick reflexes.

‘’So you and Spock huh?’’

‘’Yeah, me and Spock.’’

He folded his arms and stared at her... waiting.

‘ _’Oh my god_ Bones, me and Spock are going to have a _baby_ together!’’

She squealed in delight, her knees bouncing up and down as she giggled.

‘’Oh for the love of god… calm yourself.’’ He pressed the hypo into her arm, ignoring her cursing and took a seat next to the bed.

‘’Jim, I don’t want you to get hurt. It’s quite possible that Uhura will say no.’’ He said and his hand came up to her knee and squeezed.

‘’I know Bones, but he’s at least willing to try.’’

‘’Yeah, but what’s up with this whole protective thing lately? He’s almost near goddamn possessive of you.’’ He said angrily and Jim frowned.

‘’Maybe he just takes our friendship seriously. I died once before remember.’’

‘’Like I could forget. _Ten years_ that took off my life.’’ He moaned and she blew a raspberry at him.

‘’Jim, can you do this and not get... I mean, not…fall in love with the hobgoblin?’’

‘’W-what? Don’t be absurd Bones… I mean, it’s Spock, he would never, and I would never. We’re not sleeping together… So…No, no.’’

‘The lady doth protest too much, methinks.’’

‘’Look, I am fully aware that he is with another woman, engaged to another woman and that by doing this for me he could lose it all. It’s already complicated enough as it is without me adding those kinds of feelings into the mix. I am also aware that what I’m asking is strange... but he’s my friend and he wants to help me with this. So please… try to be happy for me.’’

‘’I am happy for ya Jim.’’ He said softly and with a resigned sigh he stood from his chair and took the rest of her readings with a scan from his tricorder.

‘’Ok Kid, your vitals are normal but just go easy for a while, yeah?’’

‘’Sure Bones.’’

‘’Oh, what time is Spock dropping this bombshell on Uhura?’’

‘’Mm, I think tonight. I – god, Bones… It’s going to be so awkward isn’t it?’’ her eyes bulged comically and he snorted.

‘’Not as awkward as me telling Spock he has to jizz into a cup.’’

He avoided the pillow she threw at his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the meager bread crumbs I'm feeding you guys here. My home life will be completely chaotic up until next week Tuesday or so. *Sigh* In-laws...
> 
> As always, comments are absolutely adored by me and thank you, thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

He was procrastinating.

It had been five point two hours since he and the Captain had beamed back aboard the ship. He did not seek out his intended. He headed straight for the science labs, his experiments taking top priority in his mind. As he poked and prodded at the vine they had extracted from the mission before Jim’s capture he inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent of minty freshness which leaked out of the brown interior. The internal liquid of the vine a pure, translucent colour.

Curious, that such a little plant, when used correctly, could have such devastating effects to a host’s body if ingested. Its functions were purely to stop growth and inhibit hormones or chemicals alike from being released. If consumed over a long period of time it could potentially lead to multiple organ failure and the results were therefore considered to be deadly.

If mass produced this plant could surely render an entire eco system non-functional if it was introduced incorrectly or with malicious intent. He studied a slide under his microscope and marvelled at how similar the cells were to an earth plant.

Pennyroyal, he believed it was called.

The smell of mint clung to the roof of his mouth and illogically he wondered if the replicators could produce a version of tea with this flavouring. He banished the thought from his mind. He permitted himself a small sigh as he once again berated himself for procrastinating. It was illogical to feel apprehensive about conversing with Nyota, however the Captain had surmised that the news and the questions that he would need to ask of her, would not be received well. Surely no one could fault him for wanting to avoid confrontation where possible, especially with his future wife.

He sighed again.

 _Utterly ridiculous_ he cursed as he stood up from his chair, he ran his hands down his tunic, frowning as he spotted a loose thread at the hem of his uniform shirt and his finger idly twirled the blue thread around. He realised that he had been standing there for five point three minutes in a complete stupor. He let out a soft growl in irritation.

He took one last calming breath and reaching for his PADD, he sent across a message. He knew Nyota was currently on the bridge and while he disliked the thought of interrupting her work, he found that the need to speak to her was more pressing than her monitoring sub space communications.

From: Commander _S'chn T'gai_ Spock

To: Lieutenant Nyota Uhura

Nyota, may I enquire if you would be amenable to meeting with me for supper tonight in my quarters at 1900 hours?

 

As he hit send, he made his way back to his quarters intending to shower and refresh himself. Supper would take place in just under an hour’s time and he hoped to enter a light state of meditation before her arrival. Reaching his rooms, he stripped his uniform from his body and coming to the conclusion that the Captain was not currently using their shared bathroom, he padded nakedly into the room and stepped into the shower. The sonic waves beat gently at his skin, the feel of water on his body always eliciting responses that he found irksome. He allowed the beating against his body to cleanse him and after six minutes exactly he stepped out of the shower only to stop at the connecting door. He could hear Jim’s laughter from the other side, her animated chatter. He could almost envision the smile on her face as she conversed with whoever it was that she was speaking to.

His gut clenched. Who was entertaining her so? Why did she always give so much of herself to others? In truth when she had revealed that she was one of the Tarsus nine, he had had so many conflicting emotions overflowing inside of him that he simply given in and decided not to delve too deeply into the sudden urge to take her into his arms. When she had continued to breach his personal space, going so far as to lean her head on his shoulder he was equally humbled and equally frightened of what may pass between them through his telepathy.

To say that he was indeed surprised to find that he felt nothing but glimmers of her emotions, sadness, affection and trust, seeping through his shields was startling to him. Considering the nature of the topic they were discussing, he was expecting to be hit with a slew of heart-wrenching agony and grief _. She must have extraordinary shields in place_ he surmised as he spent a moment longer listening to her continued laughter.

 _Curious_ , how he did not mind that she so often touched him. Perhaps it was because he knew she would never intentionally transmit emotions across to him that he would find uncomfortable. To allow someone into his personal space took an inordinate amount of trust in the other party and he was pleased that this was the case when it pertained to her. He left the bathroom with a mild feeling of unease gnawing at him as he heard a loud un-lady like snort come from her quarters and he huffed as the doors closed behind him. He dressed quickly and seating himself on the floor, he checked his PADD for any incoming messages.

From: Lieutenant Nyota Uhura

To: Commander _S'chn T'gai Spock_

_Hi Love, yes I’ll meet you at seven. Is it a special occasion?_

_He considered her message with a furrowed brow. Could this be a special occasion? Indeed, it was not_ _every day_ _that one asked one’s intended to allow the other to impregnate another woman. His right eyebrow did a series of up’s and down’s while he considered this further. No, perhaps it was unwise to look at the situation that way. It was a special occasion…for him perhaps, or for Jim… however Nyota would not view it as such. He pursed his lips together as he sent back a reply._

From: Commander _S'chn T'gai_ Spock

To: Lieutenant Nyota Uhura

Negative. It is not a special occasion, as such. However, your presence is always appreciated.

 

He moved the PADD out of his line of sight and folding his limbs accordingly he tried to examine his mind and the emotions that had bested him.

It came as no surprise that his Captain was at the forefront of everything.

******************************************************************************

‘’Nyota, punctual as ever I see.’’ He stated as she stepped through doors. He had long ago given her free access to enter at her leisure.

‘’Hi, Love. God, it was such a tiring day on the bridge today. Boring too, without the captain there to bark orders at everyone and generally make a nuisance of herself.’’ Uhura snorted and Spock frowned.

‘’It is her prerogative to as you say ‘ _bark orders’_ as she is the captain of this vessel.’’ He reminded her and she rolled her eyes at him.

‘’Ugh, I don’t want to talk about the Captain today.’’ She said wearily and seated herself at the small table opposite his bed; she toed off her boots and stretched her arms high above her head as she yawned.

‘’I see. Perhaps we should dine first before we discuss the matter I asked you here for.’’

‘’Ah. It’s going to be one of those conversations is it?’’ she said and she rubbed her eyes.

‘’I do not understand what you mean to imply by ‘ _one of those’_. I merely have a small matter that I would like to converse with you about. Your input is required.’’

‘’Alright… ‘’ she said suspiciously and when he retrieved their meals from the replicator he joined her at the table.

The atmosphere was one where the Captain would fondly state that you could ‘ _cut the tension with a knife’_. A fascinating phrase and yet he was hard pressed to describe the situation in any other way. Their conversation consisted of his latest lab experiments and the few oddities she had heard over her communication waves.

Stilted, awkward conversation meant that eating was difficult for him, his earlier apprehension at speaking to her had been dispelled through his brief sojourn into meditation, however now that she was sitting in front of him, the need to as the captain would say to ‘ _get it over with’_ was warring inside of him.

‘’Nyota. I trust that we have a relationship that can withstand and overcome any obstacles. I would like to clarify that what I have to say next, what I need to ask of you, is in no way a reflection upon yourself, or my regard for you. You are my intended, therefore what I reveal to you now, here, is a secret that the Captain has asked me to keep. I could not share this with you, until this moment.’’ He stated and he heard her intake of breath, watched her arms shake as she clenched her fists together.

‘’The captain has expressed her desire to start a family. She had been perusing a list of sperm donor candidates, until recently, which she would have then used to impregnate herself by means of artificial insemination.’’

‘’W-what…? I mean - how…how does this relate to you?’’ he heard a tremor in her voice and he took a moment to pause.

‘’Spock. Answer me. What has this got to do with you?!’’ her hand shook on top of the table.

‘’The captain, Nyota, has expressed a desire to have a vulcanoid child.’’ He says softly and he hears a small laugh come from her. His head snaps up fully to look at her when she starts wheezing, her laughter making her whole body shake, her hands are clutching at her stomach and she has bent herself over the table.

‘’Nyo-‘’

‘’Absolutely not! No! No fucking way! You cannot be asking me to give you an okay on this? Are you out of your mind?’’ She shrieks as her closed fists slam down on the table. He winces as the shrill high pitched sound of her voice penetrates his ears, the rattling of their dinner plates loud in the room.

‘’Nyot-‘’

‘’Is this because I can’t have children? Why you anyway? Why the fuck does she want _my_ fiancées baby? Can’t she just have a human baby? What the fuck?!’’ she growls as she pushes herself away from the table, reaching down to put her boots back on.

‘’Where are you going Nyota?’’ he queries in irritation as she stands and heads to the bathroom door.

‘’Isn’t obvious? I have a captain to kick the shit out of!’’ she yells and he stands quickly from the table, chair falling to the floor as he grabs her arm and pulls her roughly back into the middle of the room, releasing her when she gives a frustrated scream at him.

‘’Nyota!’’ he raises his voice and she jumps, never having heard him shout before.

‘’I had wished to discuss this calmly with you, in a rational and logical manner. There is no logical reason that I can find to deny her this child. You and I are unable to have children together, yes, but that is not the reason why I have chosen to make this decision! The captain would have asked my counterpart for his assistance however; since we share the same DNA she would essentially still be having my child! As humans would say ‘ _this is the lesser of two evils’_.’’ He huffed out, unaccustomed to experiencing anger in her presence.

‘’I don’t care Spock! I _don’t care_ about what Jim wants. She can go fuck a _thousand_ Vulcans and have their children… why does she want one _with mine_!?’’ she spat at him and he fumed internally at the realisation that Nyota cared nothing about his captain or how he felt about his friend.

‘’You do not care? Then why is this matter even being discussed? If you do not care that a f-friend of mine needs my help, your captain, the woman who died for yours and the crew’s, no, the entire _galaxies_ safety, then I see no reason to ask your permission for this at all. You are obviously not the woman I thought you were if you cannot even take a moment to consider this.’’ He growled at her, his voice dripping with acid.

‘’I knew this was going to happen. I knew you would leave me for her. _Fuck destiny_ I said all those years ago, now look at it coming back to bite me in the ass!’’ she hissed as she wrapped her arms around herself and he lifted a brow in confusion.

‘’I do not know what it is that you speak of. I have never mentioned the words destiny, nor do I believe in them. I am not, contrary to your beliefs, _leaving you_ or ending our romantic involvement to take on a new one with the Captain. Had that been my intention, I would have simply terminated our relationship, as it is not logical to stay with someone when you are enamoured with another!’’

‘’But you want to give her a child!’’ she threw her hands in the air.

‘’Affirmative.’’

‘’Do you have any idea how much that hurts to hear you say?’’ she whispered and he balked when he saw her tears form in the corners of her eyes.

‘’Nyota, I do not wish to ever hurt you.’’

She stepped back from him and dropped her arms, her nails scraping the insides of her palms. He smelled the blood the crescent moons of her fingernails caused.

‘’Will you end our relationship if I don’t agree to this?’’

‘’Negative.’’ He whispered, an onset of exhaustion making itself known in the form of a headache.

‘’But you will resent me for this won’t you? If I say no?’’

‘’I… I… will not.’’

‘’Liar.’’

‘’Nyota, ashayam… please.’’ He intoned, weary beyond belief at that moment.

‘’Fine.’’

‘’I beg your pardon?’’

‘’Fine. Go ahead. Do what you want.’’ She hissed.

‘’Please clarify your statement. Are you agreeing to me assisting the captain in having a vulcanoid child?’’ he asked, not daring to breathe for fear that the euphoria he was currently feeling would escape with his next breath or Surak forbid, in the form of a smile on his face.

‘’Sure. Why the fuck not. If you can be this unreasonable, by asking this of me, I think I’m allowed to be as equally unreasonable. I have one thing to ask you in return.’’

‘’Very well. I will consider your request, as I have asked you to consider mine.’’

‘’If you do manage to get her pregnant then I feel I am justified in asking that when that time comes, you and I resign our posts from the Enterprise and make a new life together somewhere else.’’

The breath he had been holding released from his lungs, in a similar way to someone punching him in the solar plexus.

 

_Surak … are all women this illogical?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hansel and Gretel present to you... more freaking breadcrumbs... might be a few chapters out like this. Bits and pieces.
> 
> Was her reaction anticlimactic? How many of you dear, lovely readers are like... wtf? Wheres the blood? Wheres the smashing in of his vulcany head or the nails marks on Jim's face? Well... I'm terribly sorry. lol. My Uhura is a touch crazy but not batshit crazy... uh, yet. 
> 
> Now personally, I hate ultimatums, especially in relationships but even I would ask that of Spock. 
> 
> Thoughts?


	11. Chapter 11

Could people _die_ from feeling guilty?

As she hid her head underneath her pillow, she squished it down harder over her face. Hoping the sounds of Uhura’s yelling would be drowned out if she pressed down hard enough or she would surely be the first person in history to answer that ridiculous question.

I mean, _yeah…_ she understood that what she was asking wasn’t exactly like asking Uhura if she could borrow her sweater for the day… but was it so wrong to ask one of her good friends to just simply give a donation? Ok, _yeah_ , she would admit that it was a life making or - _was it giving?_ –donation, but surely she was allowed to simply _ask_? No, wait dammitt! She didn’t ask… he bloody well offered and she accepted!

Jim groaned as she heard a frustrated scream come through the walls and she fought off the urge to go in and see if Spock was still breathing. Oh god, she’d really gone and messed up the harmony on the ship now, hadn’t she? How was she going to face Uhura tomorrow? Should she move her off the bridge until things calmed down? _No, no that wasn’t fair._ She was the Captain; she couldn’t just willy-nilly move people about for personal reasons. People would ask questions that she wasn’t sure she was ready to answer yet.

She sat up and groaned, legs crossing on the bed and the pillow fell from her face to the floor with a soft thump. As the word ‘ _No_ ’ ricocheted through her bedroom she sighed. _Well, there go all her little hopes and dreams of having a Vulcan baby._ She brought her knees up to her chest and sinking her head down, she wrapped her arms around them.

Was this feeling inside of her – _despair and disappointment_ \- because she couldn’t have a Vulcan child or because she couldn’t have _Spocks?_ Ok, well, _yeah_ she could still have a Vulcan child – if she selected the candidate in the donor list she was given – but it wasn’t the same. Not anymore. Now that the opportunity to have Spock’s kid wasn’t going to pan out, she found that she didn’t _want_ to accept anyone else’s donation. Especially not another Vulcans. It seemed wrong somehow.

She heard Spock shout Nyota’s name and she flinched.

Maybe she should just give up on the whole idea. She was still young enough. Twenty eight wasn’t that old really and she was doing well in her career. Hell, she was proud of what her and her crew had accomplished in such a short amount of time. Maybe one day she would do things the conventional way. You know, meet a guy, have a mediocre relationship, argue about whose turn it was to do the dishes or take the trash out, get married in some lame ass conference room, get pregnant and eventually split her time equally between raising the kid on earth and spending time in space.

_Hell, that sounds depressing_ …

Whatever choice she did make she sure as hell would never pull the same shit as her mother had with her.

Jim scowled as her mother’s disapproving face appeared in front of her and she swatted at the air in front of her, hoping to make the image disappear. She flopped back down on her back and her eyes turned to the bathroom door. She strained her ears, hoping to hear some sign of life and she didn’t know whether to be thankful that it had quietened down or more worried about the sudden silence.

She timidly got up from her bed, feeling foolish when she tiptoes over to the bathroom door. She can hear their muffled voices angrily debating something and she huffs in annoyance when she can’t make out their words.

_Crap, since when did she become an eavesdropper?_

She walked – _walked dammitt_ \- over to her closet and throwing on her gym shorts and a tank top, she bent over to dig out her trainers. She changed clothes in record time and practically sprinted for the door.

She left her room as fast as she could – almost jogging – down the corridors until she hit the gym. She waved to Cupcake who was running hell for leather on a treadmill in the corner, sticking her tongue out at him as he shook his head at her – the roll of his eyes somehow saying ‘ _I still can’t believe this woman became my Captain’._

She picked the treadmill next to him and opting for a lower setting she stepped up on to the platform. She let her thoughts wander as she ran, keeping an eye out over everyone in front of her.

Sulu was practicing his fencing against a stationary dummy in the corner, all swift movements and grace and she giggled when she heard him give out a war cry, his katana slashing at the material in what she supposed would be an impressive display if he hadn’t been suddenly _covered_ in a cloud of white fluff from splitting it open. She out right laughs at him when he turns his head and notices her and he blushes scarlet before swirling on his feet and marching out the room.

Was Christine doing some form of yoga? _Ugh… Jim was bendy, just not that bendy. God, that would be amazing to do during sex._

Speaking of which… How the hell was she still functioning? An entire year had passed since anyone had caught her attention enough to dabble with them in the darkness. The King down on Borellus was an option – of course Spock had effectively put a stop to that with all his broody ‘I am displeased with you and your human proclivity to fornicate with diplomatic officials’ stare. The fact that he outright told her that he disapproved was still a shock to her system. He had never cared before. At least, he hadn’t ever stopped her.

To be honest she found herself rather grateful that he had managed to waylay her libido, especially with how things had ended up.

She closes her eyes and willing the world away she loses herself in daydreams, in memories, of possibilities and impossibilities that may come or never come to pass.

She ran until her chest was aching and she grimaced when she realised that she had probably overdone it. It wasn’t too long ago that she had broken three of her ribs and the threat of Bones’ hypo forces her to stop. She opened her eyes slowly and looking down she stopped the machine and stepped off, startled when she realised how empty the place had become. She could only have only been running for about two hours... _Where the hell had everyone gone? The place was suddenly a ghost ship._

She was dripping with sweat, the front and back of her white tank top, now darkened to a dull grey, clung to her skin and she pulled a face when she wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. _Towel... she needed a towel to wrap around her neck_. Today had drained her completely and she rubbed her stomach as the niggling knot of emotions in the pit of her stomach made her feel slightly nauseous as she recounted listening to Spock and Uhura argue. It had taken a toll on her emotionally. Flipping her sweat bedraggled hair over her head; she fingered the elastic band around her wrist and gathered the knotty, damp mess into a passable version of a ponytail, cursing when she got her finger stuck in the rubber band.

Standing up straight she came face to face with Spock, who held a white towel outstretched in his hand and she took it without a word, surprised at his sudden appearance and for a moment a wave of nervousness flooded her system, before she shook it off.

Ignorance was bliss and she wasn’t ready to hear him tell her that he would have to withdraw his offer of helping her make a child. She didn’t want to hear it or face it. With a false sense of bravado she turned her back on him, mumbling her thanks for the towel and stepped sluggishly over to the fountain. She drank greedily from it, ignoring the almost impatient presence at her back that was making her skin prickle.

‘’Spock, I think we should reconsider the whole me and you making a baby thing. I’ve realised that it’s just causing more trouble than its worth.’’ She smiled sadly as she patted herself dry with the towel, turning slowly as she used the end of it to dab at her neck.

‘’You no longer wish to have my child?’’ he asked and when she saw his eyes dim, the momentary look of actual gut wrenching disappointment for once easily read on his face pass over him, her heart clenched and she swallowed uncomfortably.

_There was that guilt thing again. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t._

‘’You know we really ought to speak to Starfleet about soundproofing our walls. Yelling comes through quite clearly it seems.’’ She said and he sighed as he translated her garbled sentence into an _‘I heard you yelling at her and I heard her yelling NO at you’._

‘’What precisely and how much, did you discern from our conversation?’’

‘’Hell, Spock if that’s what a _conversation_ is like normally between you two I’d hate to hear what you _chatting to her_ sounds like.’’ She snorts. _Ah! There it was again. The look of disapproval._

‘’Please desist in avoiding the topic Captain. Nyota did react as you said she would and I now understand why she reacted as aggressively as she did. I regret that we disturbed your period of rest and for this I apologise.’’

Jim smacked her palm into her forehead in a blatant ‘duh’ move and his brow rose in indignation at her mockery of him as she slid down against the nearest wall, flinching when her backside touched the cold floor.

‘’The behaviour you are showing Captain, is not warranted or appreciated.’’

She huffed, her shoulders dropping as she scrunched up the towel in her hands. She lifted her head to finally look into his eyes and Jim braced herself for an awkward talk.

‘’Shit… I’m sorry... I am just disappointed that’s all and cranky... and tired.’’

‘’I find myself sharing your sentiments of disappointment; however mine are based on the fact that you no longer require my help. Why are _you_ disappointed Captain?’’

‘’Well, she said no didn’t she. Uhura I mean. I heard her.’’

She observed the way his mouth thinned as he stared down at her and he took a step forward, his arm reaching down as if to touch her shoulder. _God, did she have an asthma problem? Why was she having so much difficulty in bloody breathing lately?_ Her heart rate and lungs returned to normal as he pulled the wayward appendage back.

‘’Jim, the lieutenant has altered her opinion on the matter. She has - albeit reluctantly - given me permission to do as I so see fit. In this instance I must reiterate my previous query to not only gain reassurance that this is what you truly desire, but to also reassure you that I am committed to this decision and the making of it.’’

He bent down on one knee, his hands resting on the ground and making sure that he held her eyes with his own he asked her again.

‘’Will you not consider me as the donor?’’ he asks gently, his expression softening as he sees a smile appear on her face.

****************************************************

He watches as it grows, the corners of her mouth lifting, the first flash of her teeth and suddenly he finds it hard to form any coherent thoughts.

Jim lets out what he calculates to be an approximation of a five year old’s excited squeal and she nearly knocks him over with the force she uses to embrace him. It catches him completely off-guard and he is forced to wrap his arm around her waist to keep them both from toppling to the floor.

He tries to regulate his breathing, overwhelmed at suddenly having so much of her, all of her, this close and everywhere on him. He has the briefest of moments to catalogue the natural scent that her body emits when she has been exercising, the briefest of moments to gage how soft her body feels whilst his arm is wrapped around her, before she stiffens and gasps. His arm hangs limply at his side, his hand clutching air as he releases his hold on her.

Jim releases him quickly, the look on her face showing how flustered and confused she was by her own actions and he watches in fascination as her irises change colour to a lighter periwinkle blue, along with her mood as she continues to let out little bleeps of excitement under her breath.

‘’Thank -you –thank- you –thank- you- thank- you.’’ She chants as she scuffles back on her backside to the wall and he ducks his head down, once again battling the unfamiliar and formidable feelings that his captain manages to evoke so easily in him.

‘’I – am gratified that you accept. ‘’

‘’When you are adequately healed, we will go to McCoy and start the first procedure, there are a … f-few things that I must do as well.’’ His ears turn green at the mere thought ‘’ There is much to discuss, now that this concept has become a reality. We both have expectations and questions that need to be met and answered properly and I believe another conversation regarding your tendency to ignore your own safety is in order.’’

He stifles the amusement he feels skittering through his own body when it is instead relayed in even stronger ripples through her, when she swats at his still bent knee, her hand coming to rest there.

‘’You’re going to be insufferable aren’t you? If this all works out?’’ her eyes glint with mischief and his lips twitch at her teasing.

‘’Most assuredly, Jim.’’

**********************************************************************

Walking back to their respective rooms, Jim couldn’t wipe the smirk from her face, she took every chance she got to steal looks at his stoic face as she walked beside him and she honest to god felt as if though she would just spontaneously combust. Right there in the corridor. Bits and pieces of ecstatic sloppy-Jim all over the walls. Everything inside of her was thrumming with energy and excitement.

‘’Jim, tomorrow our shifts on the bridge together may be somewhat … difficult.’’ He intoned, catching her attention with a finger to her arm, causing her own normally-still eyebrow to arch in a ‘duh – no shit’ move.

‘’Yeah, I have a feeling I’m gonna have a few holes in the back of my head for a while. I should probably talk to her right? I mean, I suppose it would be the right thing to do.’’ Jim chewed on her lower lip.

_Oh God, she’d rather face Khan again…_

‘’I would urge you to proceed with caution. Perhaps give her some time to grow accustomed to the idea. Perhaps the three of us should converse over dinner and discuss the finer details. There are many things to consider now that the decision has been finalised.’’ He murmured, typing in his authorisation code to gain access to his quarters.

‘’Well, I know for a fact that Bones will want to sit the two of us down and along with Christine, give us an in-depth grilling about what we are getting ourselves into and if were ready for it.’’ Her earlier grin coming back full force as she pictured how uncomfortable the cantankerous doctor would feel during all of that.

‘’Nurse Chapel? May I ask why she would involve herself?’’ he queried as he stuck one foot in front of his doors sensors to stop them from closing.

‘’Oh, she’s taken a few courses in psychology and I know she’ll have a few things to say as well as ask. Also, she’s one of the only female friends I can count on.’’

Spock nods his head as he accepts her answer and she taps in her own door code.

‘’I’ll see you tomorrow then, Mister Spock.’’ She puts her hand on his bicep and squeezes, relaying once again just how _excited-hopeful-thankful_ she is for everything he’s about to do. She keeps the contact brief but hopes that her feelings come across strong enough for him to decipher.

She sees him close his eyes while he absorbs her emotions and when they open she sees all of that and more, reflected back at her.

‘It should prove to be an interesting day tomorrow, Captain.’’

‘’Oh goody.’’ She snarks and she spots a small smirk pulling at his lips before he enters his room and he bids her goodnight with a slight tip of his head. The doors close with a swish and she hums as she continues to stand in front of her own door.

Sleeping tonight was going to be damn near impossible and with only one thing to do when these moment hit – she sprinted down the corridor to her left, her destination clear and her mind determined to waste away all this energy in a productive manner. She knew the perfect place to get rid of it all and she skitters to a stop. She knocks loudly.

‘Bones! Bonesy! Boneseroo!’

A door opens and she laughs with glee.

‘’Good Lord!’’

***************************************************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you building a house yet with all these breadcrumbs I'm throwing at you?? Last night having the in-laws here. *does a happy bop in the corner of the room*. I have had NO time to write properly or even think with nine animals in the house to clean up after. 
> 
> Also, I'd like to ask all of you to take this story with a pinch of salt. If I suddenly write something crazy along the lines of ''He could smell the pheromones rolling of her skin, she was ready for him,ready to be bred. She enticed him, his eyes widening in arousal as he viewed her bent over form, he places a hand on the back of her neck, pushing roughly down, intending to devour her whole.'' 
> 
> What would bug you the most? That Spock suddenly has super smelling powers or that he's not acting logically by wanting to devour her? 
> 
> *Sigh* it's always so hard to please everyone. lol.
> 
> No, but really... I love my illogical Spock. And my jittery Jim and my devilish Uhura. I hope you guys all do too.


	12. Chapter 12

Spock found himself in a peculiar situation.

The very fact that his science station was situated in between the communications console and the Captain’s chair - has caused him to in effect - feel as if he were a spectator of the human sport called tennis. His neck was giving off a slight twinge as he kept his eyes peeled on the two women in his life who were currently making the bridge a rather tense place, to adequately carry out ones duties.

He turned back to the console in front of him, monitoring the latest information from the planetary scans below and wished that he were alone in his quarters, purely so that he may sigh as loudly as he was wished in order to convey just how tired, he truly was.

His head cocked to the right as he heard his intended speak and if he harboured the illogical tendency to shiver at the sound of a person’s voice like most humans were capable of, he was certain that he would be experiencing some form of frostbite on his extremities from the sound of hers.

‘’Nothing to report. All clear, _Captain_.’’

He once again experienced a cringing sensation in his stomach as the crew members on the bridge held their breath and turned to their Captain.

‘’Thank you, _Lieutenant_.’’

The crew seemed to shudder together like a ripples in a pond and he switched his focus from Nyota, paying attention to Jim. Curious, how when humans are faced with aggression, they respond similarly in return. The Vulcan in him found this to be a fascinating study of human behaviour, whilst the human side of him wanted to crawl into himself and ignore it all.

How frustrating to constantly be at odds with yourself. It was a battle he fought every day and while his counterpart had urged him to ‘ _do what feels right’_ he was unsure he could determine _how_ he was making the right choice if he did not possess all the facts before making it.

Which was why he was currently confused and intrigued by Jim, who was choosing to antagonise his intended by responding to her taunts, instead of ignoring her. Similarly he could understand Jim’s response; Nyota was after all, severely close to being borderline insubordinate towards a superior officer.

Six days, four hours and twenty two minutes had passed in this manner since he had spoken to Jim that night outside of her quarters. He had taken to splitting himself in half in order to try and accommodate his intended and Jim’s emotional needs, his own needs at the moment taking fourth place, after his duties as First Officer.

He ate his breakfast and his supper with Nyota, spending his nights with her in uncomfortable silences and curt conversations, sexual intercourse had taken on a ferocious edge, angry and frantic couplings which concluded with her leaving at the end of the night, somehow even more frustrated than she was before.

His lunches he ate with Jim, at her request that they become better acquainted personally, discussing topics ranging from genealogy and Vulcan history to all the way back to the Time of Awakening. She had eventually probed deeper by making personal enquiries about his own family and for a time, he found a small modicum of peace whenever he discussed his mother.

While he was reluctant to speak openly about the majority of topics she broached, he nevertheless spoke with a sense of enthusiasm when discussing his now lost planet and the inhabitants which had resided there. He never would have envisioned her capable of holding the intellectually stimulating conversations that they had been having recently.

He is snapped out of his musings when McCoy enters the room, the bridge silently watching the man approach the Captain and after a few grumbles in her direction he observes her standing and she turns to him. He is caught watching her and a smirk appears on her face before she is forced to wipe it off from an ominous tongue clicking sound that suspiciously comes from the direction which Nyota was sitting in.

‘’Mister Spock, Bones needs us. Sulu you have the conn. Don’t hurt my girl while I’m away.’’

‘’That was one time Captain!’’ he shouts at her retreating back and Spock steps around his chair, his long strides enabling him to enter the turbolift at the same time as her and the doctor.

‘’Surely this could have waited until after our shift was finished Dr McCoy.’’ He scolds the man and he receives a grunt in response.

‘’You only had another fifteen minutes left anyway, you green-blooded hobgoblin. Stop complaining.’’

‘’Vulcans do not complain Doctor. Furthermore, regulation states that all Starfleet officers remain on shift until their replacem--’’

‘’Its fine Spock, I’m pretty sure the Captain won’t mind.’’ Jim laughs at the almost-eye roll he gives her. He sincerely hates being interrupted when he is speaking.

‘’As you say.’’

‘’The three of us are in for a hell of a few hours. Settle in ladies.’’ McCoy rasps as he leads them into his office where four chairs await them.

Nurse Chapel is the occupant of one of the chairs behind McCoy’s desk and as expected he joins her behind it. The other two seats are logically taken by himself and his captain. Spock notes that in front of him is a tray with an assortment of refreshments and what could possibly be a bottle of alcohol.

‘’Mister Spock, Captain. We’ve decided to do the counselling side of this first. We will discuss the finer details on _why_ you want to have this baby together and how you think your life will change after and of course during the pregnancy. Here in this room, you can be as honest or as discreet as you like, I just hope that you can trust me and listen to me when I make objections, or ask the hard questions. We’ll start off by discussing your ideas on the process as a couple and then move onto individual sessions.’’

‘’We are in not in a relationship where we can be defined as a ‘couple’ Nurse Chapel.’’ He corrects her and McCoy snorts at him.

‘’No, what ya are, are a couple of _idiots_!’’ McCoy leans his head back and curses to the ceiling. ‘’Don’t even get me started on the atmosphere you've created on this ship. Everyone is damn near close to pissin’ themselves whenever the three of you are in a room together.’’

‘’Why exactly are you involving yourself in this session Doctor? As far as I am aware, as you state on no less than five occasions a day, you are a doctor, not a psychologist.’’

‘’Why I oughta snap off those pointe-‘’

‘’Now, now Leonard. Behave yourself. Mister Spock has every right to object to your presence if he feels uncomfortable.’’ Christine states and he inclines his head in thanks.

‘’Vulcans do not feel. Uncomfortable or otherwise.’’ He replies automatically, knowing that they have both seen him emotionally compromised on no less than three different occasions. He ignores this.

‘’Well, Jim doesn’t mind that I’m here do ya?’’ he observes the doctor looking at his Captain, seeking confirmation.

‘’Yeah, I don’t mind Bones being here, but if Spock –‘’

‘’I have no objections, Captain.’’

‘’Fine. Good. I’m staying then.’’ McCoy huffs and folds his arms over his chest, a scowl prominent on his face.

‘’Alright then. Captain, Jim…would you say you and Mister Spock have a good relationship?’’ Chapel asks her and he can’t help but turn his head towards Jim, who hums before speaking.

‘’Yes. We might not have been close friends before all this, but he’s always been someone I can count on, someone who I know would jump in front of phaser fire for me. I respect and admire him for all of that and more and I, uh, am also really fond of him as a person. So yeah, I think we have a pretty good foundation for a friendship that could last.’’

Spock swallows down the impulse to reach out to her, knowing that this session was going to tax his control on his emotions as he was going to be forced to voice them out loud. He is humbled by her words and appreciative of them. His captain is avoiding looking at him, all he can see is her hair covering the side of her face as she leans forward and the rounded shell of her ear, a startling red, no doubt caused by embarrassment at the admission of her feelings. He hastily regulates his internal system, to forbid his own body from showing the same emotional response. He has been practising his control over this function relentlessly, satisfied that he would not give any indication on his face whenever he felt anything remotely humilating.

‘’I too, share Jim’s sentiments. She is a remarkable woman. I regret that I did not come to know her personally before this, however the efforts we have made of late have indeed strengthened our … friendship. We have after all, a chance to make this friendship define us both in ways that we have yet to understand.’’ He ends and Jim starts to giggle, they share this moment of amusement together. His chest tightens as she smiles at him.

‘’Thank you Spock. I think you’re remarkable too.’’ She nudges him with her elbow, winking at him and he hears McCoy groan.

‘’If you’re quite done kissing ass, let’s get on with it.’’ He waves his hand impatiently.

‘’I fail to see how what I have said, could possibly be considered akin to me kissing the Captain's posterior–‘’

‘’Literal bastard.’’

‘’Bones!’’

‘’Sorry Kid.’’

Spock snaps his mouth closed, once again irritated at being cut off midway through speech. He would make these humans let him complete a sentence if it was his last thing he accomplished in his life.

‘’Err, well… I can see that you two obviously enjoy one another‘s company. It’s definitely a good place to start. Jim, what made you decide to get Mister Spock involved in this process?’’

‘’Well, he offered. He saw how I was having trouble picking a donor – yeah, Bones you can stop smirking, I hate you for that Klingon one by the way – so when he offered, I couldn’t think of a good enough reason to say no. I’m happy to have him as the donor. I’m happy for him to be the one.’’

‘’You just offered did ya? Now why’s that?’’ McCoy asked and Spock refrained from making a scathing remark along the lines of ‘’mind your own business’’. Instead he took a breath and making sure to maintain eye contact he opened his mouth.

‘’I saw no reason not to.’’

‘’Well I’ll be damned. You have no logical reasons inside that computer-brain of yours that you can think of?’’ McCoy asks and Spocks’ grip on his knee tightens.

‘’I have several logical reason as to why I think this is a satisfactory idea. Chief among them being that Vulcans are now an endangered species; it would have been required of me to make a donation at some point in the future and in this instance, I am gratified that I am able to choose who I procreate with, rather than having my partner chosen for me. Doctor, I could list a multitude of reasons, pros and cons to this situation and yet all I can simply and truthfully admit to … is that Jim is my friend. I am pleased to do this for her.’’

‘’You mean you want to.’’ The doctor probes at him again and he relents.

‘’Yes, Doctor.’’ He grits out and he feels Jim’s hand come to rest on his forearm, a soothing wave of appreciation and happiness transferred lightly through him and the grip on his knee loosened.

‘’Bones, seriously, ease up okay?’’

‘’I’m sorry Spock.’’ The doctor says while reaching for the glass in front of him, pouring himself something to drink.

‘’Apology accepted.’’

‘’So tell me Mister Spock, I see that Jim touches you quite freely and often. Does this not have a detrimental effect on your telepathy?’’ Chapel asks him and he surprised by the question.

‘’Negative, Nurse Chapel. On the contrary, Jim is amongst the few humans whom I allow to come into bodily contact with me, as she is surprisingly well trained in the shielding of her thoughts and surface emotions.’’

‘’Shit… uh, Bones… did I ever tell you that a crazy old man has been inside my head a few times?’’

Spock clenches the metal armrests of his chair so hard its screeches as it contorts and twists.

‘’You have melded with him?!’’ Spock’s voice had risen considerably but at this moment he could not care about proper Vulcan decorum.

‘’What in the ever-loving _fuck_ made you think that was a good idea, Jim?!’’ McCoy shouted just as loud and they both pinned her down with their glares, furiously and impatiently awaiting her response.

‘’It’s not a big deal! What the hell. I told him to go ahead as it was necessary to teach me how to shield properly. I didn’t pick this up by using magic you know!’’ she snarls back at them.

‘’Melding Captain, is unique to our species as it allows us to connect more deeply with another being. While there are varying levels of melding he _did not_ in fact have to meld with you _at all_ in order to teach you!’’ Spock growls.

‘’The hobgoblins right Jim! How far did you let that old coot wander into your mind?’’ McCoy gripes and Jim hisses under her breath as he pulls out a tricorder to scan her brain waves.

‘’Gentlemen, please do sit back down. Attacking the captain is not why we came here today.’’ Chapel scolds them both and Spock is chagrined to find that he was half-way out of his seat, leaning closer to her.

‘’Thank you Chris!’’ Jim folds her arms aggressively over her chest ‘’Whatever, I gave him permission, it’s not the first time and it probably won’t be the last. He did it loads of times with other-me.’’

‘’Other-who?’’ McCoy asked and Spock stared at his Captain to the point where he was certain a blood vessel in his eye would tear itself apart from the strain.

‘’Your counterpart and mine regularly melded?’’ Spock asked his captain almost breathlessly and Jim nods at him. Spock sits back in his seat and steeples his hands together as he considers this. It disturbs him for unknown reasons. _Greatly, greatly_ disturbs him.

‘ _’Hello?!_ Other- _who_?’’ McCoy asked again and Spock chose to ignore him.

‘’Ugh, Bones… you know about Spock’s counterpart. Is it really too much of a stretch for you to imagine that I have one as well?’’

‘’Wait a damn minute, are ya telling me that there are two of ya in this here universe?’’

‘’No, the other-me died. Something called the Nexus. Other-Spock slammed down his shields like mousetrap when I tried going into that section of his memories.’’ Spock heard Jim say with a tinge of sadness to her voice. Spock was now even more distressed at hearing her describe one of the last and deepest methods of melding.

‘’Jim, gentlemen… can we get back on topic? We’re here to discuss Jim having a baby, not her past actions, with whom and why.’’ Chapel claps her hands together once and they all reluctantly straighten themselves out properly in their seats.

‘’Jim, if the procedure is successful how do you think your relationship with Mister Spock will change?’’ Chapel asks his captain.

‘’I don’t know really. I guess our friendship would… deepen.’’ Jim ducks her head, playing with her hair ‘’I don’t expect him to sit there and rub by my feet when they swell-‘’

‘’Forgive me, Nurse Chapel, are you enquiring as to whether or not I will take on a paternal role?’’ Spock asks and the nurse shrugs.

He catches his captain’s attention by crossing his legs and when their eyes meet, he does not know what to say. He was in all essence, purely satisfied with just being a donor. He did not consider that she might want him to take a more active role in the child’s life. Irrelevant. With Nyota’s conditions in place – which he forbade himself from dwelling on any more than necessary – he had no right to make promises to Jim which he would not be able to keep.

‘’Jim?’’ he asks her and she bites her lower lip while she thinks.

‘’Can we come back to that question? I… think we need to have Uhura in here if we’re suddenly discussing the possibility of co-parenting between the three of us.’’ She mumbles and Spock lets out a soft sigh of relief.

‘’Okay, we’ll pick that up another time. Whether you are pregnant or still trying to get pregnant Jim, I have scheduled you in for these sessions once a week to assess your state of mind. Okay?’’

‘’Sure, Chris.’’ Jim responds and Spock agrees as well when asked.

‘’Spock, do you think Jim would be a good mother?’’ He is asked by McCoy and for some unknown reason his captain growls at the man.

‘’Most certainly. I would not have considered this if I did not deem her suitable. She is kind, caring as well as vastly intelligent and while she is reckless with her own safety, I am certain that she will do everything within her power to protect the child and nurture it satisfactorily. Jim will be an excellent mother.’’

He hears Dr McCoy make a gagging noise and Nurse Chapel proceeded to make a noise similar to the captains earlier squawk six days prior – only much, much more quietly. He feels no reason to blush or be embarrassed by this admission as he is simply stating a matter of fact.

‘’Oh Spock, you’re killing me here.’’ His captain says, her voice muffled by the hands she currently has placed over her face.

‘’Clarify.’’ He asks, confused by her reaction.

‘’You … how can you say stuff like that with such a straight face?’’ she asks him and his confusion intensifies.

‘’My face is of equal and adequate proportions. I fail to see which part of my bone structure –‘’

‘’No, no… never mind. Ugh, god it’s hot in here.’’ Jim waves a hand at her face.

He refrains from commenting as McCoy chuckles to himself and Nurse Chapel joins in on the laughter when his captain begins to giggle.

‘’Humans are such illogical creatures.’’ He says to no one in particular.

‘’One last question Mister Spock and we’ll carry on next week.’’

‘’Proceed.’’

‘’Does your family know?’’

‘’Negative. As the decision was finalised only recently I have yet to alert them to this development.’’

‘’Ah, I see.’’

‘’Your tone of voice indicates that you think this may be problematic. I assure you my family will receive the news well. There will be no resistance. They too, will see the logic of my decision.’’

‘’That brand of logic of yours is gonna come back and bite you in the ass, if you don’t stop using it.’’ McCoy informs him as he sips from his glass.

‘’Bones, you’re doing it again.’’ His captain defends him yet again and he feels affronted and grateful all at once.

‘’On that note – Jim, come over tomorrow and we’ll get started with the blood tests and do an egg count, find out when you're ovulating – don’t look at me like that! – and also to make sure you’re all healthy and able to pop out green-blooded elves.’’

‘’Elf, Bones... elf! I am not having twins!’’

‘’Jim, you know that once I put you on IVF drugs as well as hormone replacements to combat the hobgoblins genes from rejecting it, that the chance of you having elves – plural Jim – is high.’’

The mere thought of Jim carrying twins was enough to send Spock’s brain into overdrive as he contemplated and calculated the odds. He blocked the feeling of pride this thought brought forth. He decided he would be pleased with this outcome should it come to pass.

‘’And you Mister Spock. I expect to see you in my office after your shift is done. I’ll have a nice little _masturbatorium_ all set up for you.’’ He chuckles mischievously.

Spock mouths the word silently as the relevant information floods his mind.

_Mas-tur-ba-torium: Noun. A room in which a person masturbates; for example, a private room in a clinic where a sperm donor masturbates to produce semen.  
_

He has lost control. All his practice proving to be futile.

_He blushes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this I see? Half a slice of bread? No more breadcrumbs? Are we finally getting down to the nitty gritty of it all? 
> 
> To be fair, it's another short chapter - I have a few interviews this week so alternating between writng this story and trying to brush up on insipid ''where do you see yourself in five years time'' questions from my interviewer. Don't think he'll be too pleased if I tell him that I hope to still be madly in love with Star Trek and slash fanfiction. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed this!


	13. Chapter 13

‘’Bones!’’ Jim yells when she spots him walk into his office. He halts in the doorway and upon seeing her, motions her over to join him.

Jim stepped through the door he had led her to and seeing the biobed, she hopped up and made herself comfortable.

‘’Eager are we?’ Bones chuckles and she sticks her tongue out at him.

She watches him rifle through some of the cupboards, and she swallows noisily when she sees him bring out an assortment of needles.

‘’Surely you’re not gonna use all of those?’’ she squeaks which makes him chuckle louder.

‘’No, but I like to be prepared. Right, so…’’ he hums as she approaches her.

He takes his time tying the tourniquet around her arm and swabbing the area with disinfectant before he sticks the needle in and takes her blood. She looks at the wall instead of at her arm, her own blood always making her feel woozy.

‘’We’ll run your FSH and AMH levels to make sure that everything is okay fertility wise and obviously if you’re still healthy enough to go through with this. Although considering I did all this two weeks ago I doubt anything will have changed.’’

‘’Yeah, I don’t doubt you Bones. You’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t do it again anyway.’’ She winces when he pulls the offending item out of her.

‘’Jim, I know you’ll be talking to Christine a lot about how you’re _feeling_ about all this, but as your doctor I need you to understand that by doing this, your body will go through some things that you’ll curse me and Spock for later.’’

‘’Jesus Bones, I know I’m gonna get fat, get stretchmarks and have kankles the size of a small shuttle.’’ She rolls her eyes at him and he shakes his head.

‘’Those are all normal symptoms of pregnancy – but now you’re trying to get pregnant with an aliens kid.’’ He places the vial of her blood in the machines and starts the analysis, ‘’No, what I’m talking about is the nausea straight out of hell because the baby will most likely have green blood – full of iron and whatsits that will make your body try and fight it off, which will make you ill.’’

He pulls across the ultrasound machine and she automatically lifts her shirt and unbuttons the top of her pants as he squirts a form of jelly onto her stomach. She hisses at the coldness of it and he chuckles while he checks for her ovarian volume measurements and she hums before opening her mouth again.

‘’Well, it’s obviously been done right? I mean Spock is here.’’

‘’Yeah darlin’, of course it can be done, but I just want you to be prepared for some really, _really_ bad morning sickness, dizzy spells, abdominal cramps and you’ll more than likely have a lot of headaches as well. This aint gonna be no picnic.’’

‘’You’re not gonna change my mind, you know. No matter how much medical crap you spout at me.’’

‘’God forbid anyone _ever_ changes _your_ mind Jim. The only person I know who’s even remotely capable of doing that is the hobgoblin and judging from yesterday, he’s just as excited about this little elf as you are.’’ He rubs down her stomach with a cloth and she rearranges her clothing while he prints out the results of the scan.

‘’Yeah, I spoke to him alone after we all met last night and it … it was nice you, ya’know? To know that he feels that way about me and about us having a kid together.’’ Jim says and a mega-watt smile breaks out on her face which she promptly hides behind a closed fist.

‘’Jim, don’t. You’re blushing dammitt! _Don’t. Fall.In.Love.With.The.Cold.Blooded.Bastard!_ ’’ he huffs out in time with each slap he gives to her knee.

‘’Don’t be ridiculous.’’ She snaps, smacking back at his hand before folding her arms across her chest huffily.

‘’I’m not darlin. I’m a realist and I can tell ya right now this is gonna end badly when you want him to play _pappy_ and he turns around and says no.’’

‘’I don’t expect him to act like a father to my kid Bones. If he wants to, then that’s fine, it would be great actually but if not… well, then I’ll just tell the kid to call him uncle.’’ She grouses, her lip pouting.

‘’For the love of god, you’ve gotta tell the kid who its dad is. After all if you’re gonna raise the little terrorist here on board the ship, don’t you think it will ask ‘ _’Mommy, why does that funny-looking, strange man have pointy ears like I do?_ ’’.’’ He growls out and Jim shrugs.

He stares at her.

‘’Did you just shrug at me?’’ he asks perplexed.

‘’Yeah, what do you want me to say? I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.’’

He turns his back on her, checking his monitor for the results of her blood tests and scans as he shakes his head back and forth.

‘’You should be ovulating in about two weeks. Did you want to do the insemination yourself or do you want me to do it for you?’’

‘’I think I’ll let the professionals take care of it. ‘’ she mutters and he snorts.

‘’It aint that hard. Little syringe full of his swimmers, insert and push.’’

‘’Yeah, but Chris told me that you can actually take one of my eggs out and mix his… donation and then put it back. Isn’t there a better chance that way?’’

‘’Yeah, but it’s also a lot more invasive. I just want you to know you have options.’’ He sighs.

When he turns he has a hypo in his hands and he’s staring at the thing, deep in thought until Jim coughs to get him to pay attention.

‘’Jim, this is a … _special concoction._ I’ve been speaking to Mbenga about what we could do to help you getting Spock’s swimmers to go to the right place and stay there. This little formula here will make you the most fertile creature in this quadrant of the galaxy. Hormone boosters mixed with a little pheromones mixed with a bunch of Vulcan-y crap that only Mbenga knows how to pronounce properly.’’

‘’Cool, so that’s good right. Right? Wait… Why do you look like you’re about to ruin my day?’’ she asks suspiciously and he walks back over to her bedside.

‘’Jim, when I give you this hypo… you’re uh, gonna be unbelievably horn … err, well.’’

‘’Spit it out Bones.’’

‘’A-Anyone with a superior olfactory sense will want to get you out of your pants quicker than you can blink... and you’re going to want to let them. Including… including Mister Spock.’’

‘’Spo—No, no way!’’ she croaks and he grimaces as he places the hypo down on the bed next to her knee.

‘’This is the best way to ensure that it takes, that you land up pregnant. I’m giving it to you now so that your body can be prepared for what’s about to happen to it. With that in mind I recommend that you alter your shifts on the bridge and… stay away from the hobgoblin as much as possible until we know you’re pregnant. This shot of Vulcan voodoo juice only lasts about three weeks.’’

‘’But that’s ridiculous! He’s my First Officer. I need to speak to him about ships business and when we go down to a planet, you know how I like to have him with me…’’

‘’Then it’s a good thing we’re star charting for the next two months isn’t it? Also, I didn’t say you couldn’t speak to him, just that if you don’t want to end up bedding the soon-to-be-married Vulcan, I suggest you keep your distance.’’

‘’God, I hate you so much right now!’’ she groans into the pillow she’s placed over her head.

‘’No you don’t, so stop whining. You don’t actually want to sleep with Spock do you?’’

‘’Err…….. _no?_ ’’ she lies through her teeth and an outraged sound comes from the doctor.

‘’Holy hell! I knew it! I goddamn knew it!’’ he curses and she has the good sense to pretend to be ashamed about it when she drops the pillow to look at his face.

‘’Bones, I’m alive aren’t I? When you see someone who’s attractive surely the thought crosses your mind from time to time… even if it’s just for a split second?’’ she begs him to understand.

‘’’You feel this way about other-Spock too? You know he’s almost as old as some of the planets we’ve discovered!’’ he shivers dramatically, a retching noise accompanying his exaggeration.

‘’You’re an ass Bones.’’

‘’Bite me.’’ He stabs her with the Vulcan voodoo juice and she gives a shriek.

‘’You gonna tell me why you’ve been letting him rummage about in your head?’’ he asks and she rolls her eyes.

‘’As I explained yesterday, it’s really no big deal. It’s fun and it’s comfortable… like our minds are so in tune we might as well be the same person. No harm no foul.’’ She pouts childishly and Bones raises both eyebrows in disbelief.

‘’Kid, you know Vulcans get married or bonded _– whatever_ \- with their minds right? You sure you’re not secretly married to the old guy?’’

‘’No Bones, I would feel it if I was.’’ She snorts at the idea of her not being aware of someone else’s thoughts constantly in her head.

‘’Your Spock didn’t seem to like the idea of you doing it.’’ He says somewhat knowingly and she falls silent as she twists her fingers around each other.

‘’Yeah, well… that’s probably because he and other-Spock are quite similar and maybe he just has different rules when it comes to melding? Who knows … I tried to bring it up with him last night but he stonewalled me again.’’

‘’So you don’t want to get a peek at what’s underneath other-Spock’s robes?’’

‘’Bones, Other-Spock is special to me. He’s fatherly, he’s brotherly and he’s my friend. He is purely _just_ family. During our melds I feel special, like I’m where I belong at that _exact_ moment. But I also always got the sense that he was already deeply in love with someone else. I don’t want to mess with that, with what we already have.’’

‘’Just promise me that you’ll be careful and that the next time it happens, you tell me so that I can run a full scan. Call it peace of mind for me okay?’’ he pleads and she smiles at him.

‘’Whatever you say old man.’’

‘’Shut it Kid, I aint old.’’

Jim stretches her arms above her head as slips off the bed.

‘’When will this pheromone thing kick in? Do I have enough time to talk to Spock about it?’’

‘’Yeah, should be in your system properly from tomorrow onwards. So get your shit in order, move your shifts with Spock and for the love of god... please, speak to Uhura before the atmosphere on the bridge gets any worse.’’

‘’Yeah, yes and I suppose so.’’ She responds and he grunts.

‘’Man up, Jim. You owe the woman a conversation at least.’’

Jim waves her hand above her head in goodbye as she leaves the room.

*********************************************************************************

As Jim made her way to the mess, her nose buried in her PADD as she signed off documents pertaining to the latest reports, she looked up as the hustle and bustle of the room assaulted her ear drums. She knew she could eat in the officer’s mess, but she liked having her crew around her. She wanted to be the type of Captain where anybody could approach her at any time and about anything.

Getting a bacon and cheese baguette for lunch, along with a cup of coffee from the replicator, she spotted an empty table and taking a seat, she ate with her right hand while reading from her padd in the other.

‘’Captain.’’ She heard and looking up she disregarded everything she had thought about earlier. As it was _the biggest load of shit ever._

_Approachable? Ha! Who the hell would want that?_

‘’Yes, Lieutenant Uhura?’’ Jim asked, keeping her voice neutral as she looked up at the woman.

‘’We need to talk.’’ Her curt reply made the hairs on Jim’s neck prickle with warning and she fought down her reflex to make an excuse and leave, rather than getting into a full blown argument right here.

‘’Do we have to do this here? It’s in the middle of the mess hall.’’ Jim whispered anxiously.

‘’It’s better this way.’’

‘’Ah.’’ was all Jim could say to the non-spoken ‘ _At least I’ll be less tempted to kill you in a crowded place.’_

Jim shuffles her tray and padd around to the empty space on the table next to her and gripping her cup of coffee with one hand, she waves at the seat opposite her and Uhura takes it.

The silence is palpable, like she’s _drowning_ in the tension, _choking_ on the words she needs to say but can’t quite get out. Uhura is sipping her tea, her eyes closed and the longer Jim waits the more tense she becomes. Her foot starts tapping on the floor and she bites her bottom lip as she sits back and simply stares at her communications officer.

‘’You and my fiancée are making a baby together.’’ Her eyes open and Jim can see the anger, the fury… no, the utter _rage_ that she is controlling and keeping at bay. Her lips are pressed into a thin line and both their grips tighten on their mugs as the conversation finally begins.

‘’Yes.’’

‘’When will this be happening?’’

‘’Two weeks from now.’’

‘’I see.’’

‘’Why are you doing this?’’

‘’…’’

‘’Captain, I need an answer.’’

‘’Uhura, I can’t give you a clear cut answer to that. If you didn’t want Spock to go through with this, then why did you say yes?’’

‘’I didn’t see any other alternative. If I said no, I would have been considered as selfish and petty. The one to deny pretty Captain Kirk, saviour of the universe, the one things she wanted.’’ She hisses and Jim is shocked to the core at how much venom she hears in the woman’s voice.

‘’No one would have thought that of you.’’ Jim says meekly, her stomach winding itself in knots the longer they stared at each other.

‘’Are you in love with Spock?’’

Jim chokes on her drink, a dribble of coffee slipping out of the corner of her mouth as she wipes furiously at her mouth, whilst gasping for air.

‘’No!’’

‘’Then why him?’’

‘’Uhura, please… I thought Spock explained all of this to you.’’ Jim murmurs as she dabs at the coffee drops on the table with the sleeve of her uniform shirt.

‘’He did. I don’t understand his reasoning. ‘ _He wants to’_ is all it comes down to and I find that it’s not good enough for me. Actually it’s pretty damn insulting.’’

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Jim says softly.

‘’And you won’t reconsider choosing someone else? It _has_ to be the _love of my life_ and the man I’m going to _marry_?’’ she says quietly again and Jim does a series of mouth movements before she realises she hasn’t actually _said_ anything.

Jim doesn’t know what to say, everything she _can_ say will only make the situation worse.

‘’Did he tell you that I can’t have kid’s? Did you think that by asking him to give you his sperm that you could somehow worm your way into his life? Maybe take my place? Are you somehow the more logical choice because you can give him children?’’

‘’I—‘’

‘ _’Save it_ Kirk. You’re despicable.’’ Uhura gets up from her seat with a screech and a few heads turn in their direction.

‘’I’m normally not the type of person to do this Kirk, but it seems that staking my claim is the only way to get through that Iowa-farmyard-thick brain of yours.’’

Jim is forced to lean back in her seat as Uhura rounds the table, coming to stand next to her. Jim tilts her head up to look at her communications officer and frowns when the woman bends and icily whispers in her ear.

‘’You will _never_ have him. I will make _damn_ sure about that. You and Spock might be T’hy’la but you better remember… I know a few things you don’t Kirk. Good fucking luck getting pregnant and raising your child _alone_.’’ She breathes acidly and straightens out, adjusting her hair, before walking away like nothing had happened.

‘’What the fuck…’’ Jim snaps her mouth shut as anger courses through her, the urge to suddenly hit someone strong in her veins. Before Uhura leaves the mess, Jim gets up alarmingly fast and grabs at Uhura’s wrist, swinging her back around.

‘’Any of that shit on the bridge and I will have your ass court martialled. You remember _that_ Lieutenant. I don’t care if you don’t like me or what you think about me. But you will give me the respect I’m owed as your _Captain_.’’

All the bodies in the room froze, people with forks and spoons half way to their mouths, simply forgetting they were about to eat while some of them had actually dropped their cutlery onto to their plates in shock. The only sounds Jim could hear apart from her heavy breathing was the collective buzz of people furiously whispering about what had just happened and why.

Uhura left the room without a backward glance, only the shaking of her shoulders betraying how she really felt.

*****************************************************************************

‘’Computer – locate Captain Kirk.’’

‘’Working…Captain Kirk is located on C-deck. Gymnasium Private Room One. Status set to do not disturb.’’

Spock released the pent up sigh of frustration that had been building all day since he overheard a pair of ensigns whispering amongst themselves on the bridge about what had happened. The entire ship had been abuzz with gossip, insinuations and exaggerations of how the Captain and his intended had come to blows in the mess hall. Not being a witness to this event himself, having been in his lab during that time frame, he was anxious to ascertain the accuracy of these rumours and the _state of mind_ of Nyota as well as his captain’s. It was most illogical and unseemly to argue in the middle of a populated area.

‘’Computer – Locate Lieutenant Uhura.’’

‘’Working…. Lieutenant Uhura. Bridge. A-deck.’’

Spock checked his internal chronometer and reasoning that since Uhura was busy with her shift on the bridge, he would once again find out this evening over supper as to what possessed her to get into an altercation with her commanding officer.

‘’Computer – open channel to New Vulcan. Cha’ Sarek.’’ He gave the computer his father’s listed name and waited patiently as it worked.

‘’Working…. .’’ the computer blipped and Spock sat back, waiting for his father’s face to appear on the monitor before him.

He had been a touch reluctant to call his Father and inform him of the impending news. Not that he was expecting resistance, on the contrary his father would be pleased, but more to the effect that his father would insist that at some point, he and Jim travel to New Vulcan.

He dearly wanted to avoid the topic of his bonding as he had suspicions that his father would ask him to bond with Jim instead of Nyota. Secondly, there was the distasteful matter of meeting his counterpart and having to yet again bear witness to the look of on Jim’s face when she saw him.

_How humans could show so many of their emotions in just one single smile was beyond him._

He understood that it was illogical to be jealous of a copy of oneself and yet the feeling still lingered unreasonably whenever Jim would run to the other man with open arms and shower his cheek with affectionate kisses.

How many years, he wondered to himself, would it take for him to come to accept his human half? To respond _happily_ in the way his counterpart did, if a woman ever embraced him in such a way. He felt guilt that he had denied his mother the chance to show her affection in such a manner.

‘’My son.’’ His father’s face appeared on screen and Spock swallowed back the flinch of surprise.

‘’Father.

‘’It is unusual to receive communication from you. Unusual but certainly welcome.’’

‘’Indeed. However, I wished to inform you of a delicate matter.’’

‘’Proceed.’’

Spock explained in the simplest method, his reasons a mixture of logic and emotion alike for his choices and throughout his explanation his father kept silent.

‘’Spock, while I understand your reasons and the logic behind your choice to produce offspring with your Captain, I have concerns regarding your current relationship with Nyota.’’

‘’Clarify.’’

‘’Human women- to my limited- understanding, are extremely complex when it comes to their emotions. When it came to conversing with your mother, I always erred on the side of caution when I knew that I might displease her. Your mother often quoted to me ‘ _Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned_.’ I trust that you will proceed carefully so as not to inspire any untoward behaviour from her. Take the time to solidify your betrothal link, meditate on how to reassure her of your regard for her.’’

‘’I will think upon what you have said father.’’ Spock spoke, mildly uncomfortable with discussing such personal matters with a man he had barely associated with, before his mother’s early demise. The event itself having driven him and his father closer together whether they wanted it to or not.

‘’Will you inform T’Pau of my intentions?’’ he asks and he lifts an eyebrow in surprise when his father fails to hide a smirk of amusement that appears in the creases around his mouth.

‘’Your fear of your grandmother is illogical, Spock.’’

‘’And we have discussed this before, my opinion on the matter will not change.’’ Spock controlled an involuntary shudder as his memories of her stern looking face appeared in his mind.

‘’Very well. I would also ask of you, that if the procedure is successful , that you and your Captain make your way to New Vulcan, either during, before or after the child is born. I- I would be gratified to meet my grandchild.’’ His father spoke softly and Spock softened his expression as he realised that his father was recalling his mother’s tendency to coo over other people’s children and ultimately how she had spoken of grandkids on a continuous basis, until she was informed she would not be getting any.

‘’There is no guarantee that the child will have telepathic traits. Joining with the younglings mind may prove difficult if it is still in the womb.’’ He warns his father, not wanting the man to be disappointed.

‘’I am aware. However, I would still be pleased by the opportunity to meet the child in any form it is in.’’

‘’I shall endeavour to keep you apprised of the situation. We will journey to New Vulcan at a later time. Starfleet has requested additional mapping of this quadrant. We cannot alter our course at this time.’’ He apologised and reassured his father and the older man looked genuinely pleased at the thought of seeing them all again.

‘’Spock. Is there any chance that you and your Captain could come to form-‘’

‘ _’Negative._ My relationship with the Captain will not transcend into anything other than what we currently share. A satisfying friendship.’’ He gritted out and the older man raised an eyebrow at the rude behaviour is son was expressing by interrupting him and Spock suddenly had the peculiar sensation of feeling as if though he were five years old all over again.

‘’My apologies, father for my emotional outburst, as well as my discourteous behaviour.’’

‘’My apologies to you my son, for overstepping. I forget that you are considered an adult amongst the rest of the galaxy.’’

‘’Father please, my Time is not something I feel we should discuss. I am an adult in the eyes of Starfleet.’’ He says and he is horrified to hear the embarrassment in his voice.

His father’s eyes light with amusement and Spock huffs in annoyance at the older man’s teasing.

‘’Live long and prosper my son.’’

‘’Live long and prosper father.’’

The connection cut and Spock reclined back in his chair. He was gratified that his father was making an effort to repair their once broken relationship. While he knows that his decision to join Starfleet was not what his father had intended for him, he did regret that it had taken the death of his mother to get them both to the point where they could subtly tease one another.

Striding over the replicator, he removed a cup of tea from the machine and returned to his terminal to check on the day’s reports that required his attention. However within ten minutes of reading said reports his mind drifted back to his Captain. He had meditated last night for a total of five hours and twenty three minutes after she had informed him of her melding habits with his counterpart.

Spock switched the screen off and leaning forward onto the desk with his elbows, he closed his eyes briefly as he recounted everything he had meditated over last night. There were in effect, four levels of melding.

The first was the contact of another’s surface emotions and thoughts. With a surface meld you were able to send across and in turn receive the most basic of impressions, images and emotions of what the other person needed or what you needed them to see or feel. Naturally Vulcans who performed this level of melding would rarely be on the receiving end if their partner was psi-null.

The second level was deeper in the sense that one could share thoughts and have conversations as well as access core functions that controlled the body’s functions, from regulating temperature, to controlling the person’s heartbeat and in some cases, stimulation of the senses. Vast amounts of information could be relayed and received depending, on the psi-rating of the individuals taking part in the meld. It was a deeply personal thing to do this, an act usually only performed between bonded couples or family members.

The third level was the sharing of memories and the complete merging of one another’s minds. He had the most difficulty processing this fact last night when he considered that his captain must possess staggering control over her mind and be able to process another’s mind inside of her own with no complications, if she was capable of melding with his counterpart to the point where they could re-live and access one another’s memories.

The fourth and final method of melding was to fully bond with another’s mind. Having full access to every facet, nook, corner and cranny of what made that person… _that_ particular person. It was more intimate than anything anyone could properly explain even if they tried in every language, using every word in the universe it still would not fully explain how truly wondrous it was.

It was as fascinating to him as it was distressing that the two of them had progressed to the third level.

If she and his counterpart were so compatible, it stood to reason that should he, himself meld with her, he would also find the process as satisfying and as easy as wading into a pool of warm water. Why his counterpart allowed this intrusion into his mind was baffling to him. He had only once attempted to enter further into Uhura’s mind. Mid-coitus, his control had been lacking and he had placed his hand on her psi points without being aware of doing so. While he had been able to receive her emotions and thoughts through touching her, her mind had been as still, as quiet as the darkest void he could imagine. She had no ability to connect with him telepathically and forming the betrothal link had taken a toll on them both mentally and physically.

He allowed a small frown to appear as he opened his eyes. The betrothal link he had formed between them had been virtually non-existent as of late. With no stimulation, no interaction between them that did not result in melding - it had become stagnant, a lingering prickling at the back of his mind. She had rejected his presence the last time he had tried to reassure her of his regard on the transporter pad. Since then he had been reluctant to make the same attempt again for fear of what another rejection could wreak upon their already fragile link.

It was therefore astonishing to him that his Captain and his counterpart apparently melded on every occasion that they had met. He was uncomfortable with this knowledge, intrigued by it and left with the feeling of now wanting to experience her mind for himself. If only to see _what_ it was that made his counterpart so eager to participate in performing these acts, which should logically, only be shared by family members or spouses.

‘’Computer – Locate Captain Kirk.’’

‘’Working - - - Captain Kirk is located in Sickbay. C-Deck.’’

_Was his Captain injured? Was she undergoing more tests? Perhaps she had had another altercation with his intended while he had been reflecting upon his meditation?_

His curiosity and concern bested him and he left his quarters to go in search of her. Upon reaching sickbay he scanned the room for her and hearing her raised voice he once again berated himself for somehow becoming an eavesdropper yet again.

‘’I mean, can you believe this _bullshit_ Bones! Like I’m trying to steal Spock from her! _Ha!_ I could have anyone in the universe, look at me Bones, I’m _hot_! I am hot right? Never mind!’’ She yells and Spock is baffled by what she is saying, his confusion however lessens as he continues to listen.

‘’Well Jim, did you expect Uhura to come up and hug you and tell it was all going to be okay? Plus, didn’t you just admit to me earlier that you’ve thought about jumping Spock’s bones?’’

Spock’s entire body shudders as he hears this and his heart rate becomes elevated at the thought that his Captain finds him sexually attractive.

‘’Aaah Bones, you’re missing the point! I don’t want Spock as my boyfriend or my lover or whatever else it is that she is accusing me of wanting him to be. _Ugh_!’’

‘’And the fact that she had the nerve to basically _threaten me_ … I mean for god’s sakes, I’m the _fucking_ captain. I wouldn’t have cared if she did it in private but it was in the middle of the mess hall Bones! Now the whole ship is talking about it.’’

Spock could not listen any longer; for fear that the things he was currently overhearing would forever change his opinion and thoughts about his Captain. He knocked loudly on the door and the yelling ceased.

‘’Come.’’ He heard the doctor say and when he entered the man snorted in amusement.

‘’Figured you would stop by sooner or later.’’ Spock simply nodded at him before reaching out a hand to stop his Captain’s incessant pacing of the room. She would not look him in the eyes. He was deeply displeased with this outcome.

‘’Captain. May I speak with you?’’

‘’Yeah, I need to talk to you too.’’

‘’I’m assuming you’re going to make me leave my office right?’’ The doctor asks sarcastically, already standing and Jim simply says yes. McCoy huffs out a resigned laugh and shaking his head he mutters and grouches as he leaves the room.

‘’Captain I must apologise for Uhura’s behaviour. As First Officer it is my duty to reprimand those that disrespect you or show insubordination. However it would seem that I am the root cause of this altercation and therefore will apologise as well for placing you in this position. I will speak to Nyota and reason with her if I am able. Her behaviour is not acceptable.’’

‘’No, god… Spock. Just… you know what, don’t say a word. This was gonna happen anyway. It’s between me and her now. I’ve told her that if she continues to give me attitude while we’re working that she will face the consequences. I’m sorry Spock, I know she’s your fiancée but I can’t have people treating me like that in front of my crew.’’ She says and Spock accedes to her logic.

‘’I am … troubled by Nyota’s thoughts, Jim. She has made no mention of them to me. Why she would assume that you wish to ‘ _take me from her’_ is frankly, absurd. You have not made any advances towards myself, sexual or otherwise. As you stated to McCoy, that while you find me sexually attractive you have no intention of acting on those feelings or thoughts.’’

Jim reddens, her mouth dropping open and he curses internally.

‘’Forgive me Jim, I did not mean to overhear –‘’

‘’I swear to god Spock, I’m going _to put a bell on you_.’’ She slaps a hand to her face and he can see that her blush has not yet gone; instead the colour has crept into the collar of her uniform shirt, which she is now tugging at with her index finger.

‘’Spock, I didn’t mean for you to hear any of that. Yes, I … I think you’re hot okay, but I _really_ have no intention of seducing you away from your fiancée. I do understand where she is coming from, trust me I do, but I’m a really straightforward kinda girl. If I wanted to _‘make advances’_ on you I would simply say so and go for it.’’

‘’Indeed.’’ He says and he fold his hands behind his back as improper thoughts of him and his captain entwined in coitus suddenly burst through his mind for the very first time ever. His spine stiffens, his palms tingle and his penis twitches as his mind supplies him with various images and sounds.

He slams his shields down on the part of his brain that control his imagination – and the graphic, lustful images recede and disappear altogether and he is shocked to see that his captain has taken a step closer to him, concern written all over her face. He stifles the urge to place his hands over his groin.

‘’Spock, I’m sorry this is so hard on you. I would offer to let you back out of the whole thing, but at this point, I don’t think I can.’’ She says softly as she grips onto his arm, the warmth spreading through his tunic into his skin. He groans internally at her close proximity, guilt and lust warring with one another.

‘’This is not difficult for me Jim. Please do not concern yourself over me.’’

‘’Well, thanks. I guess.’’ She says with a confused pout.

‘’You indicated that you wished to discuss something with me?’’

‘’Oh, shit. Yeah. Um... so, would you mind switching to night shifts for about two weeks? Or uh, can we alternate so that we aren’t on shift together? I’ll do nights or days, I’m not too bothered.’’

Spock’s stomach plummets with disappointment. He is being removed from his post, from her presence due to his intended’s actions and his own failure at handling the situation correctly. His head dips and his grip tightens on his wrist.

‘’I apologise for not performing my duties to your expectations. If you could clarify where it is that I am lack–‘’

‘’Gods no, Spock!’’ she drops her hand from his bicep to encircle his wrist. ‘’No, it’s because of the hypo Bones gave me.’’ Her thoughts transfer through him, soothing his unnecessary fears as her hand tightens.

‘’Explain. Please.’’

‘’So. Bones has dosed me with a bunch of pheromones and it will apparently… make it hard for you and I to … work properly with each other. It has a few side effects apparently.’’ She passes him a PADD with the hypo’s _‘ingredients’_ and his eyes widen.

‘ _’Do you think we’ll ever have a conversation where we don’t blush or embarrass each other_?’’ she asks no one in particular as she turns around to fiddle with something on McCoy’s desk. He finds that he does not have an answer for her.

‘’Captain, it is unlikely that I will respond to the pheromones as I am only half Vulcan. However if you wish to avoid me for the duration of the effects I will agree to it.’’ He says somewhat reluctantly and she blows out a breath, her hair swinging in the air before landing back on her face.

‘’Great. Also, I’m … ovulating in two weeks. This hypo will help with any fertility issues that crop up. Hopefully. I mean, at least that’s what Bones says it will do.’’

‘’Two weeks?’’ he whispers, awed that things are proceeding so quickly.

‘’Yeah…’’ her smile is beautiful in her excitement. His chest tightens and he sucks in a breath as he makes the decision to touch her.

His hand slowly reaches out to her face, he tucks the wayward lock that her breath had dislodged, back behind her ear and her blue eyes close at his touch. His fingers hover above her psi points and the pull from her mind to his is undeniable.

‘’I am… pleased with this development.’’ He states quietly and she laughs happily as he snatches his hand back when her chin brushes against his thumb.

‘’I will see to our shifts Captain. I assume we will converse through communicator for the time being?’’

‘’Yeah, we’ll talk, set up a time to do our own debriefings and such.’’ Her tongue sticks out the corner of her mouth as she thinks.

‘’I will miss our lunches together though.’’ She moans and his brow rises in amusement.

‘’I too, will notice your absence and the chance to correct your illogic without consequence.’’ He agrees and she barks out a laugh.

‘’Hey, Spock?’’ she asks as he turns to leave the room.

‘’Are you busy for supper tonight?’’

‘’Affirmative. I have my appointment with Doctor McCoy to see to and then supper with Nyota in my quarters.’’

‘’Ah, ok then. Never mind.’’

‘’Perhaps… perhaps once I have dined with Uhura I could interest you in a game of chess?’’

‘’Yes. Absolutely.’’ She smirks at his continued amused-moving eyebrow.

‘’Very well. I believe Captain… that I will ‘ _see you later’_.’’

‘’Yup.’’

He walks backwards towards the door before realising how illogical it was to continue walking in that manner and turns around quickly, ignoring her chuckles that follow out after him.

****************************************************************************

The time had come.

It was illogical to be nervous. It was illogical to feel dread. It was illogical to feel embarrassed.

He stood in front of the door with his mouth set into a grim line. McCoy standing next to him, a continuous hum of laughter under his breath as he waited for Spock to enter the room.

‘’Doctor. Precisely _why_ does this door have the words masturbatorium labelled on it.’’ He asks pissily, his jaw clenching with irritation.

‘’Well, I may not have been able to show you the way. I didn’t want you to get lost.’’ McCoy says and Spock’s eyes narrow as he sees the man feign innocence.

‘’Remove the sign at once doctor. I will not tolerate this blatant attempt to garner an emotional response out of me.’’ He says quietly, his voice the blandest, most monotonous sound on the ship.

‘’Alright you spoilsport. Always ruinin’ all my fun.’’ The man grumbles and slides the sign out of its holder above the door.

‘’So, you know what you need to do in there right? I mean, you know you need to whip it ou—‘’

‘’Thank you Dr McCoy!’’ Spock snaps, not needing a demonstration or a suggestion on how to masturbate.

‘’Sheesh…’’ McCoy gestures for Spock to enter the room and he illogically hesitates before he signals for the door to open.

His mouth gapes open as he takes in his surroundings. A red velvet lined chair has been placed in the middle of the room, facing a large monitor on a shelf. The screen had the words _‘Debbie does Dallas’_ emblazoned over the width of it and Spock could not comprehend the meaning behind the vid’s name.

To the left of the chair was a table, which he mortifyingly realised, was where the cup his donation needed to go into, sat waiting for him next to a box of tissues and a glass of water. The cup seemed to mock him, taunting him and Spock shivered slightly at how unnatural all this was. Could he do this?

To the right of the chair was another table, with a various piles of pornographic magazines, with women and men from every race he could currently name in the most lewd and physically impossible positions he had ever seen. Next to that was a small photo album, the casing pure black.

He noticed his teeth were grinding against each other and he let his jaw fall open again, if only to stop the interminable grinding. His eyes scanned the room and his eyes fell on the decorations the good doctor had deemed necessary to adorn the walls. Pictures of yet more naked woman and of all things, the different and varying shapes of healthy and unhealthy sperm.

Oh, how he dearly wished that he were human so that he may groan loudly with his head in his hands. The phrase he had once heard his captain utter seemed perfectly apt at this moment.

_Fuck My Life._

This was precisely how he was _not-feeling_ at this very moment. The doctor had walked a circle around him and clapping him on the shoulder he made his way back to the door.

‘’Get all of it in the cup if you can. Use the tissues if you make a mess.’’ McCoy said and Spock debated whether he would land up in the brig if he assaulted this annoying human by nerve pinching him.

‘’Doctor. Kindly, do get out.’’

‘’You couldn’t pay me to stay, you hobgoblin.’’

The door closed behind him and he quickly authorised the locking of it. Barring a red alert, nothing and no one could interrupt him. He sat down on the oddly shaped red chair. The material soft as his behind sunk down into the cushion. He clasped his hand together in his lap.

What would be best? Should he attempt to masturbate to the thoughts of his intended? The guilt that assailed him completely threw that option out of the proverbial window. He could not think about her when he knew that he was doing this for his Captain.

His Captain.

His penis twitched and he let out a small sigh.

Certainly not!

He reached for the magazines next to him and reasoning that perhaps pornographic literature would inspire his lust, he began to read. The more he read, the more questions he found himself asking. He shook his head, trying to concentrate _. It does not matter how they reached the bed when they were standing in front of the door mere moments ago_.

He threw the magazine back onto the table in disgust.

‘’Computer – Play Vid.’’

‘’Ahhhh, YEAH! YEAH BABY, GIVE IT TO ME... OH GOD THAT’S SOOOOO GOOD! AAANNNGHGH!’’

Spock jumped out of his chair, his ears almost bleeding with the noise on the screen and he slapped his hands over them as his face turned green. He yelled as loudly as he could over the woman’s wailing and the computer turned the vid off.

He fell back in the chair in relief, his breathing harsh, gasping, his heart thundering in his side. His hand shook as he reached for the glass of water next to him.

_Surak… this was torture. A Klingon mind sifter was preferable to this feeling of humiliation._

The pictures on the wall proved to be of no use either. He paced back and forth in the room, his hand running uncharacteristically through his hair, the pieces parting in disarray across his forehead.

He moved the chair against the wall and instead sank down the floor. He undid the buttons to his pants, removing himself and glared at his stubborn, unwilling penis. In all his years, he had never had performance anxiety. He had thought that this procedure would prove to be effortless. He would simply meditate and concentrate on someone or something arousing and be done with it.

His eyes narrowed at the limp member in his hands and he tugged on it roughly to get a response. He grunted as he felt a spark of lust enter his mind and body. He leaned back on one hand, the other furiously working at himself. Frustrated that he was not any closer to ejaculating than he was ten minutes ago, he reached up to pull the cup down from the table and then again to his right. The black covered album fell to the ground and curiously his hand left his member as he simply stared at the pictures within.

Jim.

Jim.

Jim in her uniform. The correct female uniform. Short Skirt. Legs that were on either side of a chair as she bent over it, looking directly into the camera lens.

Jim in a bathing suit. The black triangles barely covering her ample rounded breasts and pert bottom.

Jim in a long flowing dress. Slit all the way up to the thigh, her head tilted back as she laughed. Her breasts pushed together from the tightness of her garments.

Spock’s nostrils flared, his mouth having gone completely dry, his hand automatically reaching for his now swollen penis and the longer his gaze lingered on the curves, the expressions, the lines of his Captain’s body, the quicker his hand moved and with one final groan, his imagination kicked in.

He came.

His vision of himself inside of her from behind, breeding her, proving to be his undoing.

*********************************************************

‘’Spock… you’re uh… looking a little worse for wear there. Everything go alright?’’ Spock heard McCoy ask.

‘’Ask me no questions. I will not answer!’’ he snaps and proceeds to place the cup with his seminal fluids onto McCoy’s desk, next to his half eaten turkey sandwich.

Before McCoy could utter another word, Spock fled to his quarters.

 

<http://spirkadirkkirk.tumblr.com/post/139543641621/so-my-next-chapter-finally-has-a-pic-to-go-with>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, yes I have no talent when it comes to drawing. But i had a massive case of writers block so i started doodling Spock on Paint. Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Please do let me know what you think. 
> 
> Also, the picture is on my Tumblr account. Username is Spirkadirkkirk
> 
> Lol.. don't ask.
> 
> http://spirkadirkkirk.tumblr.com/post/139543641621/so-my-next-chapter-finally-has-a-pic-to-go-with


	14. Chapter 14

The events that took place two hours previously were never to be repeated or spoken of ever, ever again.

He was deeply, deeply ashamed that he had effectively… _very effectively_ … used pictures of his Captain to masturbate over.

He sat deep in meditation, the incense thick and cloying in his nose, his shoulders slumped forward as he concentrated on calming the lingering feelings of lust and astonishment at finding his Captain’s photographs in the room. Why Dr McCoy had placed them there was a matter that he would never broach, partly because he would therefore be admitting that he had seen said photographs, that he had in fact _used_ them and that if the doctor felt inclined to later _look_ for the album that it would no longer be there.

His jaw clenched and he drew in a few shaky breaths as he contemplated the complete and utter illogic, no... the stupidity of taking the album full of photographs with Jim’ in various poses, in various items or _non-items_ of clothing, back to his quarters with him. He pondered his fascination with his captain’s mind and body for the remainder of the afternoon. Towards the end of his meditation session, he was breathing sharply through his nose; his heart rate elevated and a clear sign and _feel_ of arousal, sitting heavily in his trousers.

He was – _obviously_ \- extremely sexually attracted to Jim.

 _This_ , this was an acceptable outcome. This feeling of desire, of lust, could be tempered and tamed. Controlled. It did not have to affect his relationship with Nyota, as he decided that even if he were to be placed under penalty of death, he would never admit this new found revelation to her. It would however affect his relationship with Jim. Now that he was aware, he would have to take care to not place himself in situations or positions that could inspire these feelings to come to the surface.

Resolved to carry out this course of action and partially satisfied with the outcome and level of peace his meditation had provided him with, he came back to his body. Seeing the physical proof of his arousal as he looked down, he stood awkwardly and using the palm of his hand, he rearranged his penis with a grunt and willed it to disappear. He was expecting Nyota in approximately one hour and fifteen minutes, for what would no doubt prove to be another taxing evening and he was grateful that he had had enough time to strengthen his shields and focus his mind.

He looked at the black photo album sitting on his desk. His brow furrowed, his hand reached for it, his finger sliding over the casing. He huffed and picked up the forbidden contents from the table and turning, he strode over to his asenoi.

Beneath his mediation tools, he placed the album inside a compartment and with a click, he locked the temptation away. It was illogical to keep the photographs, reckless even, however the thought that someone else may come across them and use them in a similar manner in which he had used them, made his teeth start up their habitual grinding.

No, he would rather keep them safe and away from prying eyes of others.

******************************************************************************

Jims’ ears perked up at the sound of muffled voices through the walls, her pulse beating rapidly in her neck as she tried in vain not to listen to what was no doubt another _‘conversation’_ between Spock and Uhura.

Was she a terrible person for making them fight like this?

She sighed guiltily; this was one question that was going to bother her for years to come. It kept going round and round inside of her head. The thought that she was going to be considered as the _‘bad guy’_ or the ‘ _other woman’_ when or if Spock and Uhura broke up and the feelings those thoughts brought up made her shiver. When they eventually got round to telling the crew of their plans, they would undoubtedly pick sides and come what may, she would have to buck up and weather the looks, the gossip and the consequences of going through with all of this.

She swiped her palm across the mirror in the bathroom, the steam from the very rare water shower she had taken, having clouded the room and the glass. She brushed her hair and tying it into a knot she scratched at the back of her neck. Her skin was feeling prickly, almost itchy, too tight against her bones and more sensitive to touch since Bones had administered that hypo earlier that morning.

She trailed her hand down her neck, the drag of her fingers settling over her chest and she realised that she was feeling hot in a way that had nothing to do with the shower she had just taken. Her stomach was quivering with a sensation close to butterflies, her thighs squeezing together, her nipples tightening beneath the robe she had slung on. She was panting; her pupils large and her freckles had darkened due to the rush of blood suffusing her face.

Did she have time to take another shower? She eyed the extendable, bendable shower head with a grim look of longing.

_For god’s sake._

What the hell kind of pheromones had she been injected with? Orion? She took a few deep breaths to calm down and forced herself to stand with her legs apart. Placing her hands on her hips, she glared at herself at the mirror, silently ordering the debauched looking reflection to get a grip.

No, wait a minute, she knew Orion pheromones had no effect on Vulcans, so logically it would stand to reason, that the pheromones had to have come from a Vulcan woman. Ones that were most likely taken from a fertile Vulcan woman. How and why these kinds of ‘ingredients’ are on board her ship was a mystery to her. She would have to check with Bones.

Making sure the bathroom was clean of all her things – she knew how Spock hated disorder – she stepped through to her quarters and crossed to her chest of drawers. Since this was more of a social call, she felt comfortable enough with Spock to not have to wear her uniform. She shrugged on a pair of light blue jeans and one of her white undershirts that she usually wore beneath her command golds. She left her feet bare, grimacing at the thought of putting shoes on when she was in her own quarters.

She moved the chairs around in her room, dragging the table over an inch or two and started setting up the chess set. She ordered the lights lower, the room taking on a soft red glow and adding a quiet background sound of classical music she nodded to herself in satisfaction.

She set out two cups, ready for him to get here. She subconsciously smoothed her hair down and back and giving the room a once over to check for any hidden bra’s beneath the sofa – _she was known to do this on occasion, throw her clothes about_ \- she chewed on her lip as she paced back and forth, waiting for him to arrive.

Ten minutes later and she stopped her floor assault with wide eyes, her mouth gaping open.

Why was she going through all this effort? The lights, the cleanliness, the music…why did she care all of a sudden what Spock thought of the way she was dressed or if her quarters were clean. Vigorously shaking her head to clear her panic she ordered the lights to ninety percent and blinked stupidly as white spots danced in front of her eyes.

It wasn’t a date goddammit. She switched off the music.

And yet…

She was nervous, almost skittish, her palms sweaty as she wrung them together as she waited for him to chime at her door for entrance. She sat down in front of the chess set, the black pawns taunting her.

Your move Mister Spock she thought as she closed her eyes.

***********************************************************************************

_Getting lost in memories._

_How very human of him he thought without amusement. He had just had another unpleasant conversation with Nyota over dinner, her explanation as to why she had confronted and behaved in that manner towards his Captain, was insufficient for him to logically understand. She had gone so far as to compare her behaviour with how his ancestors had behaved when their mates were being threatened. She had tried to justify her scathing words with claiming that he belonged to her and to her only. That she was somehow within her rights to behave the way she did. The thought did not sit well with him, he was not property and he was not an object to be coveted and jealously guarded._

_When she had voiced the words ‘You are MINE’; to his consternation and intense surprise he had taken a step back. Yes, they were indeed betrothed and linked; however this did not give her the right to dictate who he was permitted to spend his time with or how he chose to do so._

_When he had voiced his opinion on her own opinion, her gasp of incredulousness and accompanying snort was loud enough to his sensitive ears, that he actually flinched. He had to yet again remind her, that though Surakian warriors of old regularly challenged and fought to the death over mates, it had been hundreds upon hundreds of years since Vulcans had cast away those practices and applied the path of logic to their daily lives. Therefore her excuses were unacceptable and of great disappointment to him._

_He had ended up staring at her for a matter of ten minutes, both of their continued silences, making the air in the room appear thin and uncomfortable. Eventually, he permitted himself to sigh and proceeding to step towards her he had whispered almost pleadingly to her, trying to follow his father’s advice, that he wished that they would cease this illogical arguing. He had asked her permission to perform a meld intending to soothe, to placate, to reignite what once drew them together._

_She had agreed after a moment’s hesitation and upon entering her mind, he was dismayed to see that the pathway that he had created in her mind, the trail of footsteps that allowed him to lead him back to their link, was distorted and broken._

_He had asked her telepathically if he could enter deeper into her mind and receiving her agreement he had attempted to create new footsteps, a new path to their link. Her mind had reacted most violently to this attempt. He had caught snippets of her thoughts, a jumbled confused, angry, chaotic mess and the pure disorder of her thoughts alone caused him to retreat from her mind, slamming down his own shields so as not to receive any more of her thoughts lest they compromise him._

_If she had received any of his own thoughts he could not be certain of this. When he had broken the meld, there had been beads of sweat on her forehead, her fists were tightly clenched at her sides and he himself, felt exceptionally tired and drained. He had briefly spoken to her about the difficulty he had had when it came to accessing her mind and he had taken note of the sudden fear in her eyes before the emotion had been replaced with something unidentifiable._

_Where they would have usually ended their evening engaged in frantic sexual intercourse, she had instead turned from him in silence and left his quarters._

*******

Coming back to the present, he shook his head again as the happenings of the past two hours played through his eidetic memory.

It should not be this way. Could he maintain a relationship with a woman whom he loved but could never truly connect with, in the way of his people? In the way that was vital to his continued health? Could he sacrifice even more of his heritage? Of who he was?

Taking a rare moment to stretch, his back arching as he raised his arms above his head, he caught sight of himself in the reflection of the window and he frowned, cocking his head to the side. He was scheduled to meet Jim in eight minutes.

The unexpected urge to change his attire overcame him. He dressed himself in a pair of black trousers, the flowing material making him hum as he fingered the cloth between his fingers. Arganian silk truly was incomparable to other materials when it came to comfort. He unfolded his white polo necked sweater and tugging off his science blues, he re-clothed himself in swift movements, keeping his shoes for last.

His hair had become rumpled, the follicles curled around his ears and he smoothed them down into their natural form. He observed his appearance for a moment longer, satisfied that his captain would indeed notice his efforts to connect with her on a more personal level, in a more casual setting.

He walked through the bathroom doors, taking note of the unusual cleanliness of the sink, its surface barren from all of her usual paraphernalia. His brow rose to indicate his surprise and as he chimed on the door to her quarters. He straightened his sweater one last time and clasped his hands behind his back.

******************************************************************************

The chime rang and Jim bolted from her seat, knocking the table with her big toe and she squirmed as she held in an undignified snarl of pain. A pawn fell to the floor with the sudden jostle and with a curse she scooped it back up and repositioned it. She cleared her throat and walking calmly to the bathroom door, hit the switch and allowed him entry.

A vision of near perfection entered her room, his usual science blues gone and she brought up a hand to her mouth. _Was she drooling?_ Gods, surely it was a crime to have someone look this good, this goddamn _edible_ she thought lustily as she surveyed him from top to bottom. She scrunched her hands together behind her back, mimicking him as he walked straight over to the chair she had set out for him.

‘’Good evening, Jim.’’ He greeted and she cleared her throat again as she robotically walked over to join him.

‘’Spock.’’ She croaked with a nod in his direction before picking up their cups and heading to the replicator.

‘’Judging from your expression, I surmise that you are surprised by my appearance.’’ She heard him say somewhat awkwardly and she groaned internally. _Oh, please don’t be adorable as well._

‘’Yes, it was certainly a surprise. It, uh, looks good on you. Really good.’’ She said and smiled shyly at him as he leaned back in his chair with a satisfied look settling on his lips.

‘’So, how’d your day go? I mean, err... I know you had to go see Bones… No, wait, I don’t want any details!’’ she quickly squeaked as she saw him stiffen in his seat ‘’shit… forget I asked.’’

‘’Thank you, Jim.’’ He said taking the cup of tea from her.

As they started their match, she couldn’t help herself from glancing up at him from her bent over position over the board. His eyes were trained on the game and she took her time looking at how the sweater clung to his arms, how it curled around his neck, the white material looked soft, fluffy… it must be some kind of wool to help him keep warm. From this angle, he looked unusually cuddly… _cuddable_ … squishy? Gods, she just wanted to feel what his body would feel like while wearing that.

Jim’s eyes lifted to linger on his lips, the plumpness of the lower one surprisingly pink for someone who had green blood flowing through his veins. If she were to bite it… would she see green bloom underneath the skin?

‘’Jim.’’

‘’Huh?’’

‘’It is your move, Jim.’’

‘’Oh.’’ Forcing herself to behave normally she engaged him in small talk about his father and how he had taken the news that he was gonna be a grandad and she was happy to hear that at least she had one person who wouldn’t hate her for this.

‘’I have also decided that I will take the night shifts if you have no objection Captain, as Vulcans can go significantly longer without sleep. It is also in keeping with my usual habits.’’

‘’Ah, yeah that suits me Spock. It shouldn’t last that long, this hypo Bones gave me, I mean.’’ She mutters, not wanting to discuss the how he might be _forced_ to be attracted to her.

‘’Negative, Jim. I have calculated that you should be infected with McCoy’s concoction for three weeks, two days and one hour precisely, even if you were to conceive a child, the drug administered will stay in your system until it disappears naturally.’’

‘’Oh. Well, let’s just hope it has no adverse effects on you.’’ She says quietly over the rim of her coffee cup and his face briefly shows his confusion.

‘’Jim, should I become… _enamoured_ by your scent...’’ he trails off with a frown and she can’t help but smile fondly at him as he struggles to find the words. She was grateful that he would show this apparent weakness in front of her, as in all the years she had worked with him, he never stuttered or faltered unless he was alone in her presence.

‘’I trust, Jim, that should I behave illogically around you for the duration of the time previously mentioned, that you will not as they say ‘hold it against me’.’’

‘’Of course not, Mister Spock.’’ She reassures him and she’s thrilled to see a small tilt to his lips indicating what could be a smile of his own.

Gods, he really did look good enough to eat in that sweater.

‘’There is however, currently no indication that I will behave the way you and McCoy expect me to.’’

‘’I suppose only time will tell.’’ She said and she didn’t know whether she was relieved or disappointed by his statement.

‘’Indeed.’’

****************************************************************

He watches her yawn, the fourth occurrence in the last thirty minutes. He considers retiring early from their chess match as it is currently the third in the series. The hour grows late and he can see that she is exhausted. He surveys the board again and hums quietly. He has lost only once and each time he does he feels illogically pleased. How dynamic, how interchangeable her thoughts and ideas are from his own. She excels at strategy, clearly.

His eyes drift across her hands which were toying idly with a knight she had taken from him, her fingers long and pale, her nails perfectly cut to suit her needs. The pads of her fingers rubbed over the head of the knights’ and he swallowed reflexively. He felt himself twitch as she pressed down on the head.

The way her two fingers dragged up and now down the spine of the miniature figurine made him think of the ozh’esta. Granted, it was the type of Vulcan kiss usually only performed mid coitus… which only added to the peculiar feeling of his blood heating, the longer he stared at her fingers.

He sniffed the air cautiously….

‘’Would you like some more tea, Mister Spock.’’ His captain asked him and he nodded without really thinking about what it was that he was agreeing to.

As she stood, she walked past him and scratched at her neck, the hair there rustling and a breeze created by her movement travelled past him. Within a matter of seconds, his entire body shuddered. His eyes became hooded, his nostrils flaring, his temperature rising and his hands curling into fists as he fought the unforeseen urge to simply grab her wrist and pull her down on top of him.

‘’Hey Spock, are you alright?’’ she asked as she placed a hand on his shoulder.

_Her scent..._

_Oh, Surak…_ her scent was the combination of the wildest desert flowers on Vulcan, the sweetness of its nectar, the bitterness of its roots, the most seductive combination of aromas and they called to him. She was calling to him. She was all things desirable, edible and pleasurable in that moment and he wanted to devour her whole.

He attempted to hold his breath as he staggered up right, his loose fitting trousers seeming exponentially tight as his penis began to respond to the stimuli his nose was providing him with.

‘’Captain. I must leave. At once.’’ He gritted out, sucking in another breath to hold before he next spoke.

‘’Wh—Oh… _Oh my god_ …’’ she moans hoarsely as she looks down to his groin with glassy eyes and he hisses as she licks her lips, her mouth pink and inviting. When she lifts her eyes from his groin, her blue eyes meeting his own, he loses another fraction of his control.

_Enchantress._

_Temptress._

_Succubus._

He recites the words in every language he was proficient in, as he continued to look at this woman who would surely drive him to madness, with how frequently she drew out unwanted emotions from him.

She thankfully steps back from him, her hand falling from his shoulder and she folds an arm across her chest. He watched the woman almost curl into herself, small, vulnerable… something in his mind sparked wildly as it urged him to dominate.

‘’Go then, Mister Spock.’’

‘’I find now that I have voiced my need to leave, I am incapable of doing so.’’ He purrs when he takes another breath, her scent once again hitting him with the force of a photon torpedo. He takes a step towards her for every one that she takes back.

‘’Spock, you _need_ to leave. You will never forgive yourself for this, when this is all over.’’ He hears her groan as he backs her into her desk. His taller, larger frame looming over her as she leans back on her hands, his body bending over her to cover her completely.

‘’I am t-trying to restrain myself Jim. You … you do not understand the compulsion that is driving me to… to _take_ you. To mate with you.’’ He rasps into her ear, his warm breath ghosting over her skin before his nose settles in the crook of her neck. He seems to suck in all the air around her and his hands come down on each side of her, trapping her.

She whimpers and he brings his body closer to her, a slow, luxurious grinding of their lower halves and his hands move ever forward towards her own. She moves back against him slightly and he snarls into the shell of her ear, his teeth barely scraping over her soft skin as he continues to grind against this intoxicating woman.

‘’Spock...No… wait… I want… I…’’ he hears his temptress whisper in indecision, but he can smell her arousal, feel her arousal through his skin as he continues to nuzzle his way around her neck and jaw and he growls appreciatively at the fact that she is as affected as he is, more so when she winds her arms around his neck, her hands trailing through and tugging at the fine hairs at the base of his head.

‘’Goddammit Jim!’’ he hears from the doorway and his body freezes whilst the woman in his arms gasps and pushes him away in shock.

He blinks… was he… why was he…

‘’Captain, I …’’

‘’Leave you hobgoblin. Now!’’ McCoy’s voice rings through the room and Jim says something equally as loud and obnoxious in return to the doctor.

He does not hear the rest of their conversation as he hastily returns to his quarters, the urge to now challenge the human for the right to mate with Jim surpassing the lust that had taken over his body mere moments ago. The door swished closed behind him and he leaned back against it, his entire body shaking. He must regain control. He must obtain clarity.

He will.

He will.

Try….

********************************************************************

Even if it had been a week since she had given herself the sternest lecture known to man regarding her new found need to jump her First Officer, to leave him alone… she still couldn’t help but turn in her chair every fifteen minutes or so to ask him a question, only to realise that he wasn’t there and wouldn’t be there for another two and half weeks.

Every time this happened, she would sigh and feel the familiar disappointment in her gut that his absence kept filling her with and immediately after that emotion passed, she became irritated with herself for being so needy, for wanting him in the first place. _Goddamn hormones_. The fact that the bridge had become rather like a morgue on her shifts without Spock there to banter with, was indeed a big problem. Uhura had made it a point to not even look at her when speaking to her but at least she kept things professional. Once again Jim thanked god for small mercies.

Ever since that night where she found herself trapped by a fully grown, horny Vulcan rubbing against her, she had done her best to not think about the fact that she nearly allowed, no… almost encouraged him to cheat on his fiancée. That at that moment when his teeth and his lips brushed against her neck; she honestly didn’t give a shit about anyone else in the universe except for him.

_This of course made her feel like a totally shitty person._

Bones was so angry with her that even seven days later, he still shat her out from a dizzy height whenever the chance presented itself. He would go almost purple in the face, rambling on about how he knew this would happen, how he would’ve thought that she would have more _common sense_ and not allow things to get so out of hand.

Jim crossed her legs in her chair, her chin in her hand as she stared out of the viewscreen in front of her. It’s not like she could blame Bones or Spock for that matter for what happened that night. While she may be inundated with strange fertility hormones that make her horny, she was still thankfully able to think clearly. Spock couldn’t help himself, Bones had explained. It was like flipping a switch on or off with him. She had only spotted Spock once since that night and it was right before her morning shift had started.

She had rounder the corner intending to get into the turbolift going to the bridge and when the doors had opened she had stepped through automatically, coming to an abrupt halt at the sight of blue. Obviously he had just come off the night shift, he looked as normal as ever in that split second it took her to realise who it was. Then she had realised that he was alone in the damn lift. Her body had blocked the sensors and the two of them had stared at one another like a pair of hungry wolves.

She watched him sniff the air; his eyes had instantly clouded over, his body tensing and she hadn’t been able to stop herself from running her eyes up and down his body, lingering on the bulge in his uniform pants that seemed to be straining against the material. She swallowed noisily and meeting his eyes half closed eyes, she had opened her mouth to say something when he took a step towards her. As quick as she could, she had stepped out of the way of the sensors and the doors swished closed.

His hand had been outstretched towards her.

Gods, it had been difficult to avoid him. If she wasn’t on the bridge she was lurking in Bones’ quarters until she was sure he had left for the night shift. She had even gone so far as to set a lock on her doors that they could only open with her or Bones’ permission. She had effectively locked him out of her life.

_She hated it._

‘’Captain, you look a bit stressed.’’ Yeoman Rand whispered to her and Jim grunted softly in agreement.

‘’Here, Captain… I heard this tea is good for stress, it should help you relax a bit.’’

‘’Yeoman, this is tea.’’

‘’I know Captain. I made it.’’

‘’Yeoman, why is it green?’’

‘’Because it’s peppermint tea, Captain.’’

‘’Why, exactly are you giving me tea, when you know full well, how much I love coffee?’’

‘Sorry, Sir. I- I will go get you a cup of coffee.’’

_Arrgh, why was she taking out her frustrations on her yeoman?!_

‘’No, wait. I’m sorry Yeoman. Perhaps I’ll drink it after all.’’ She grumbles out as an apology and the woman smiled, handing her the cup.

‘’Plus Dr McCoy has been hounding me to cut down on my coffee so I suppose, I’ll start with this.’’

Rand smiles encouragingly at her as Jim takes the first sip. Her nose wrinkles in disgust at the first taste. The peppermint is overwhelming but as she swallows it, she reluctantly agrees that it’s not that bad. And it’s _green_ , so there was a plus. Also, god knows she was going to have to cut out coffee sooner rather than later anyway.

 _Next week…_ she holds in an internal shriek at the happy thought that she was finally, finally going to take the plunge. She had asked Bones to help her inject herself with Spock’s sperm, not wanting to do it alone, she was afraid that she would somehow mess it up.

Sipping her disgusting but tolerable tea with glee, she turned in her chair and looked for him.

She bit back her sigh… again.

******

She had spoken with Spock in the days that she hadn’t seen him. Ships business was discussed at length through emails and calls when they had a spare moment and if the topics they discussed became more personal and drawn out by the end, neither of them mentioned this. She missed him and she told him as much in different ways whenever she got the chance.

Now that she was back in her quarters, having once again gone out of her way to avoid him, she yawned as she lay down on her bed. Dragging her PADD over, she sent another message to Other-Spock. Since she had told him what was going on, he had been suspiciously quiet. He had emailed her back a few times but the conversations seemed hollow and impersonal. Why was he pulling back from her?

_Was every Spock in this universe destined to leave her frustrated?_

Deciding that it would be best to try and get some sleep for the night, she made her way to the bathroom and after getting out the shower; she heard movement from the room next door. Her body immediately stiffened as she heard him move about in his room. She stepped over to the door leading to his quarters and putting her hand on it, she tried to make out what he was doing.

When all she heard was a series of grunts, moans and what suspiciously sounded like a three lettered muffled word leave his mouth, she quickly backed away from the door. Why was he in his room? Was he… was he _jerking off_ in there?

Heat had pooled between her legs the moment she realised what he was doing and she whimpered when she walked backwards slowly out of the bathroom. She heard a crash come from his room and she bolted to her bed. Setting her locks again.

Oh, god please let this end soon.

******************************************************

Spock was displeased with his life.

Did she not in fact realise that he could smell her – everywhere. _Everywhere on this ship._ All along the corridors, down the passages, on the bridge, in the bathroom… even inside his own quarters he could still smell her. He had taken to masturbating frequently and with alarming ferocity on a daily basis since that night he had nearly disgraced himself.

Did she not realise that even if they were separated, when she removed herself from the bathroom after her showers, that her scent wafted from her, underneath and through the holes in the door straight through to his room and consequently straight into his body settling heavily in his penis.

He had listened to her shower, listened to her hum while she cleaned herself and the images flooding his mind, the pure unadulterated lust that kept hitting him in the back of the head each time he took a breath was beginning to become painful.

Daily, he fought the urge to flee from whatever room he was in, due to the fact that his Captain had been in the room at some point. Her pheromones seemed to linger on every object that she had touched or sat on. The bridge was the worst for this. He completed each and every night shift with an erection. As he sat in the Captains’ chair, the one she would logically sit in throughout the day, the taste of her was a constant presence that surrounded him and drove him to the point of madness.

He could still remember the way her skin had tasted from the brief moment his lips had touched her skin, the way she felt beneath him as he rutted against her against that table. The way her hair felt brushing against his forehead. Meditation was surprisingly helpful, when he was not bombarded with images of his Captain in the throes of sexual intercourse.

He should be in his labs at this moment in time. Sexual frustration was not an acceptable excuse for neglecting his duties.

He looked at the glass that had shattered when he had knocked it over with his elbow. He had been in the middle of pleasuring himself when her scent suddenly became stronger and he realised that she was in fact on the other side of his door. He gasped her name out as he came; having no control over how arousing he found it that she was listening to him. When he smelled her arousal along with her pheromones he shot up from his bed and ran across to the door, his only focus was getting to her. Until his elbow had knocked the glass over.

He heard her rooms being locked and he seated himself shakily down on the ground, leaning his head back against the door. He folded his sensitive hands together and contemplated his options. Logically, no… logic had no place here. He closed his eyes. He could utilise the fact that he was currently in a relationship to his advantage. He could have sexual relations with Nyota on a daily basis to try and quell this raging compulsion to mate, however he was concerned that he would somehow say the Captain’s name upon reaching orgasm and he shuddered to think of the consequences that action would bring about.

Also, upon further reflection, it was horrendous of him to even be thinking about having sexual intercourse with Nyota when he could not clearly deny that all he wanted at this moment was to be able to bury himself inside of his Captain until he was assured of the fact that she was pregnant. Whether that would take days or weeks was inconsequential to him, as long as it derived the outcome he desired.

Secondly, he was aware that while this compulsion lasted, he could not be blamed for his actions if he was placed in close proximity to her. Therefore, when he was of sound mind, he did in fact take the necessary steps to avoid her as much as she was avoiding him. When this was all over, he would go back to his relationship with Nyota with a clear mind.

The turbolift incident was one situation that he wished to never repeat. She had been within his reach. He would have lifted her against the wall, wrapped her legs around his waist and he would have inserted himself inside of her within seven minutes and twenty seconds of removing her underwear and unzipping his trousers.

With a frustrated grunt, he made his way back to his bedside table, cleaning his earlier emissions from his body, his shirtless state only proving how far he had fallen in his own mind. _Absolutely disgraceful_ he chided himself. As he threw the tissues away into the waste receptacle he briefly considered taking a shower to cleanse himself but the fact that his captain had been in there, aroused and naked, made him reluctant to enter the room. He was after all, three times stronger than humans and certainly capable of tearing a door off its hinges to get to her if her were so inclined or affected.

He dressed himself and sat down at his desk. He needed guidance. He entertained the thought of contacting is counterpart. He vetoed it immediately. He could not discuss this with him.

‘’Computer – open channel to New Vulcan. Cha’ Sarek.’’

‘’Working.’’

He waited impatiently.

‘’My son. Two calls this month. I am surprised.’’

‘’Father. Apologies for the lateness of the hour. I need guidance.’’

‘’I am honoured you called then Spock.’’

He explains everything. Not omitting anything from his tale. From his relationship with Nyota, to his attraction to his Captain, to the sudden development of his recent behaviour.

‘’Father – is there some way to combat this… this overwhelming feeling I have to possess, to claim. I cannot allow it to control me any longer.’’ He half pleads and his father’s expression seems to be amused.

‘’It is hard, is it not?’’

Spock lets out an undignified snort at the word ‘hard’.

‘’Forgive me father – I do not know where that came from.’’

‘’It is of no consequence. While I have always urged you to embrace logic and put aside emotions, as it our way, under these circumstances however, I see no just cause to scold you for your lack of control.’’

‘’As for your question, Spock. No, I apologise. This is unfortunately what it will feel like when you experience your Time – only to a lesser degree. There is no way to escape this but to persevere. Naturally, if you were able to follow through with your urges, you would find them pleasant and easily managed. However, since you and your captain will not be engaging in sexual intercourse, you have in fact chosen a difficult path to walk. I have of course experienced the same compulsions which you are now currently faced with, when she who was my wife and I were trying to conceive you.’’

‘’Father, I have absolutely no interest in hearing about mothers and yours sexual habits.’’ He snaps and his father leans back in his chair, his eyes shining with laughter.

‘’Very well, my son. I shall simply say one thing. If the worst should come to pass… Forgive yourself, Spock and move forward.’’

Spock stared at this man who once told him that love was illogical, that feelings and desires were shameful. He was still struggling to accept this new, honest and candid relationship with his father.

‘’Thank you. Live long and prosper father.’’

‘’Live long and prosper, my son. ‘’

He switched his terminal off and heading out of his quarters. If there was no stopping it, no stopping this urge, this incessant need for his Captain, he would simply cease fighting against the notion and accept it. He would of course not go in search of her, but if anything should happen…

_Kaidith._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took me a long time to get out. Next chapter folks... She's getting knocked up. It felt right to end this one here. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed this. Also.. I have added the tag 'UHURA IS A BAD GUY'... purely because I keep getting abuse about how racist/unoriginal/blah blah blah i am for writing this story. I am hoping that any new readers will see it and if they don't want to read this kind of story that they will have the decency to simply click 'back' and not send me nasty messages.
> 
> Love you guys to bits for reading! Thank you.


	15. Chapter 15

Jim secretly wondered if this was the type of training that ninja’s underwent before they became grand masters of their skills. The constant state of her tiptoeing out the door for her morning shifts, which then lead to her sneaking through the hallways and corridors of the ship, which then ultimately ended up with her bolting for the nearest turbolift at warp speed, was giving her a damn good work out.

She sighed in relief as she somehow made it to the bridge without encountering Spock and as she settled in for the day, for more boring systems surveys and star mapping, she sipped idly at the tea that yeoman Rand once again handed to her. It had been the same routine for days now.

Wake up, avoid Spock, work, drink tea, finish her shift and then go back to her quarters… where she then made full use of her alone time to conjure up fantasies and scenarios that would surely make an Orion blush. As soon as she had discovered all those nights ago, that he was using images of _her_ to jerk off to, she just couldn’t help herself. She didn’t feel guilty. It was just a fantasy. It was never going to happen.

_If she felt like she would need new fingerprints on her right hand once this whole thing was through, well, she was sure Bones could come up with something to fix her._

Today however was the day. THE day.

She couldn’t help the excited giggle that escaped her as she twirled her stylus around in her hand, smiling broadly at everyone in front of her. No one would understand that today, in her opinion, would be remembered as one of the best days of her life. She ignored the tut of annoyance she heard coming from behind her, not willing to let anyone dampen her mood today, especially not Uhura, who had taken to blatantly staring at her from time to time with a look of satisfaction on her face for some inexplicable reason.

Feeling the vibration of her personal PADD, she read the incoming message and frowned. Ok, so maybe it wouldn’t be a _sunshine and roses day_ for her after all. Why on earth did Christine want to have another session now? And with Uhura in attendance? Containing a long suffering sigh of resignation, Jim stood and meandered over to Uhuras’ station.

‘’Uhura, Nurse Chapel would like you to join me in the next hour for a meeting. Please.’’ She said quietly and she yet again chose to ignore the scoffing sound from the woman in front of her.

‘’I have work to attend to. It’s against regulation to leave my shift early. I can’t make it.’’ Uhura said without turning and Jim forced a smile onto her face.

‘’I am well aware you are on duty Lieutenant. As _Captain_ I am aware of these regulations, but I am _asking_ that you make some time.’’

‘’I have no intention of going Captain. You didn’t need my input at the beginning of all of this so you sure as hell don’t need it now.’’ She whispers furiously and Jim can’t help but roll her eyes in irritation.

‘’Fine, I give up. I just thought we should tal-‘’

‘’There is nothing that I need to talk to you about Kirk. Now, if you don’t mind, I am trying to work.’’ She says dismissively and Jim pinches the bridge of her nose.

Walking back to her chair, her earlier mood completely destroyed by that little chat, she huffed haughtily in her seat and swallowed down the rest of her tea, wiping the back of her mouth angrily as she all but slammed the cup down.

**********

‘’McCoy to Spock. Come in Spock.’’

‘’Spock here.’’

‘’Can you meet me in my office in ten?’’

‘’I will be there.’’

‘’Good. McCoy out.’’

Spock’s quarters were for lack of a better word, messy. Yes, this is the only word that felt right to him he thought as he looked around. He _frowned_ as he observed his discarded clothes that were heaped into a corner of his room. He _sighed_ as he noticed the multiple boxes of tissue boxes peeking out from his bedside drawers and he _cursed_ as he took note of his rumpled bedsheets- which he could not have been bothered to make since Jim had started ovulating.

He had noticed two days prior that her scent had suddenly grown and increased in its intensity, to the point where he had come perilously close to cancelling his shifts on the bridge and sequestering himself in his quarters. The unfortunate incident between him and Lieutenant Chekov that had taken place one day previously hung at the fore front of his mind.

_He had been on his way to the bridge as was customary, taking the turbolift upwards, when the lift had stopped… and in walked Chekov who was joining him for this shift. As soon as the young human male had entered the lift, Spock had had to viciously quell the urge to throw the human into the nearest wall for daring to come near him, absolutely **reeking** of his Captain._

_He had asked bitingly, through clenched teeth, whether the male had seen the Captain and he had answered in the affirmative. When he had enquired further about what took place when they met, where and how, the young man had started to nervously shift closer to the wall and had shakily answered that the Captain had embraced him in a celebratory gesture due to a new addition in the Russians family._

_Spock did not care for this explanation and with a growl he would later deny should he ever be asked, he had reprimanded the man in such a way that the Russian would in future, be very wary of all physical contact when it came to his Captain._

Blinking himself out of his memory, he began the task of tidying his rooms as best he could while he waited for time to pass. It had thus far been a torturous two weeks of frustration, confrontation and considerable bouts of masturbation. However, if his calculations were correct, today was the day that Jim would proceed with the procedure that would make her the mother of his child.

His breath hitched at thought and his chest swelled with territorial pride. Yes, this was indeed highly acceptable to him. He would be the one. No other. It would be his child. She had chosen him.

He closed his bedside table drawers, hiding the half empty bottles of see through liquids and boxes of tissues and turned to leave his quarters, depositing his dirty laundry down the chute on his way out the door.

*************

In McCoy’s office, he sat and waited for the doctor to begin their conversation. The disgruntled man looked him in straight in the eye and Spock arched a brow in impatience.

‘’Look, this is by far, going to be _the_ most awkward and horrible conversation I will _ever_ have with anyone. So, to make things easier, I’m just going to spit it all out and get on with it. Sound good to you?’’

Spock folded his arms and nodded at the man to continue, the alluring scent of Jim on this human making him twitch uncomfortably in his seat.

‘’From the cup you gave me the other day, I’ve run the necessary tests and you’re all good to go. Your swimmers are all healthy and you have no underlying medical issues that I could make out, so now it’s just a case of you getting me a new sample before three pm this afternoon and I’ll go ahead and do what I need to do for Jim.’’

‘’Very well.’’ He said knowing that the doctor knew full well that this time around, the act of masturbation would be easier than breathing in his current state. They thankfully, did not discuss this matter further.

‘’Spock, I need you to know one thing. If you hurt Jim, I will be tempted to kill you.’’

‘’Clarify.’’ He said warily, shocked, but not entirely surprised by the doctor’s threat.

‘’It’s all very magnanimous of you to step up to the plate and do this for Jim, but are you gonna be there when things get tough? When she’s up at three in the morning spewing her guts out? When she’s so hormonal that the slightest thing will make her cry? Are you going to be the one to take care of her and tell her everything will be alright? If not, I need to ask that you explain this to her. ’’

‘’Doctor I do not see how this is relevant, I am merely a...’’

‘’You aren’t merely an _anything_ Spock. I don’t want Jim developing feelings for you when you suddenly treat her with kindness. If you have no intention of helping her raise this baby, whether Uhura is in on this or not, I want you to say it to her clearly. So Jim doesn’t end up disappointed, so that she doesn’t end up with expectations of you that you have no intention of meeting.’’

‘’I-I will discuss this with her.’’

‘’Fine, see to it that you do. You and Uhura need to decide if you’re going to be part of this kid’s life. Otherwise I can’t see how the four of you can stay on this ship together.’’

Spock dipped his chin to his chest as he considered the doctors words. He knew that soon he would have to broach the topic of perhaps leaving the enterprise with Nyota; however he could not find it in himself to go through with it. He was seventy percent certain that if her relayed Nyota’s ultimatum to the captain that she would immediately cease all intentions of conceiving his child and _that_ thought amongst others, was even more troubling to him.

‘’Is that all doctor?’’ he replied monotonously and the doctor huffed.

‘’No, you hobgoblin. I wanted to speak to you about Pon Farr.’’

Spock felt himself go positively pale at the mention of his species mating rituals.

‘’We do not discuss it with outsiders!’’ he snaps and the doctor begins to chuckle manically.

‘’Oh god, bless my little Georgian heart…’’ the doctor wheezes as he tries to regain control of his laughter.

‘’I, Spock, am not an outsider, I am your doctor!  Your counterpart saw fit to inform me at the beginning of our five year mission, that in the event that you enter pon farr on board ship and… if you found yourself in a position where your chosen mate just wasn’t … err, doing it for you… well, that’s why I currently have all those Vulcan pheromones on board.’’

‘’He had no right to interfere or to divulge such sensitive information.’’ Spock hisses and the doctor shakes his head again.

‘’Stop being an idiot. Other-Spock came to me with this, three years ago. He wanted to help and he wants to stop you from dyin’ you fool. So, all joking aside, if you even get a twitch in your skull that makes you think of pon farr, I have something here that will help you stay alive.’’

‘’This discussion is over, Doctor.’’ He says stiffly as he stands and turns for the door.

‘’On my desk. No later than fifteen hundred hours Spock. I’m getting Jim pregnant at five.’’

Spock skitters to a stop and whirls around to face the doctor with a minute scowl on his face, his brows drawn down and hands tightening into fists at his sides.

‘’Correction McCoy, it is _I_ who will be getting Jim pregnant.’’ He hisses and with that he leaves the room, the chortling laughter of the man following him out of the room.

*****

Walking with a determined stride to the mess hall, he replicated a bowl of his favourite soup and cut a path through the throngs of people who had gathered for lunch. He saw his intended from across the room and taking the seat opposite her, he held out his fingers in a Vulcan kiss of greeting and after a moment, she returned the gesture with a small smile gracing her lips.

‘’Nyota, are you well?’’ he asks in between taking sips of his soup and he is surprised when, for once, she replies normally with no aggression in her tone whatsoever.

‘’Yes, thank you. And you, ashaya?’’

‘’I am well. Thank you.’’

The two of them converse normally for the first time in what he would conclude would be two months and he continues to observe her from the corner of his eye. She has dark marks beneath her eyes, indicating lack of sleep, but apart from that, the rest of her appearance would indicate that she is not at all affected by what is currently happening.

‘’The captain will undergo the insemination procedure today.’’ He remarks slowly as he finishes his soup with one last swallow and he looks up from his bowl to gage her response.

She is smiling.

He drops his spoon and crosses his arms on the table as he tilts slightly forwards towards her.

‘’Nyota?’’

‘’Ah, yes. Sorry Spock. I heard you. I wish you luck.’’ She said and her smile took on an edge that he was unfamiliar with. He puzzled over this dramatic change in attitude.

Was she supporting his decision? Had she come to the same logical conclusions as he?

He proceeds to watch her, before she unexpectedly stands and picks up his tray along with hers.

‘’Meet me in my quarters tonight, Mister Spock.’’ She says and with a wink she saunters over to the waste receptacle, ridding herself of the trays before stopping to speak to Yeoman Rand.

His brows come down as he stews in his confusion.

*******************************************************************************

 ‘’Bones…’’ Jim whined pathetically as she threw herself over his back, her arms closing about his neck.

‘’Get of me, ya loon.’’ He grouses and she pouts at him as she lets go.

‘’Christine’s been asking me some very difficult questions.’’ She sighs as she walks around the desk to sit in front of him.

‘’Well, someone has to Jim.’’ He replies and she blows a raspberry at him.

‘’I know, but it’s not like Spock and I have had the chance to really discuss how we’d go about raising the baby, because we don’t even know if I’ll be here for that. What if I lose my ship bones?’’ she says seriously and he frowns.

‘’You know it’s a possibility Jim. Did you ask Spock, how he wants to go about it?’’

‘’We talk every day through emails but every time I bring the topic up he avoids answering it or throws me off with something like ‘’let us wait and see if you do conceive then we will discuss the future.’ He won’t give me a straight answer and don’t even get me started on Uhura.’’ She leans her head back on the top of the chair with a thud and closes her eyes.

‘’I heard from Chapel that she didn’t show up for your session. Give her some time Jim, maybe she’ll come around.’’

‘’Yeah, that’s what Christine said. But honestly, I think that _you_ have more chance of falling pregnant than Uhura _ever_ welcoming this idea.’’

‘’I don’t know Jim. Stranger things have happened… men can get pregnant these days you know, auxiliary uteruses and all that…’’

‘’You know what I mean Bones.’’

He humps in reply and shuffles a few papers around on his desk, before picking up his tricorder and scanning her vitals. He tweaks the settings and he groans.

‘’Alright kid, well… it looks like your ovens all set to go.’’

‘’N-n-now?’’ she stutters and he nods his head.

‘’Ah… I-uh, just give me a minute…’’ she gropes frantically for her PADD and jerkily types out a message for Spock, before he grabs it from her and shakes his head.

‘’You can’t have him with you, Jim.’’

‘’But…’’

‘’Jim, if he’s in the room with you, _trust me_ , you will have no need for me to do a procedure on you, because by _god_ , even if it makes me wanna hurl thinking about it, I’m sure he has a more efficient and _normal_ way of getting you knocked up.’’

Jim blushes scarlet and squirms in her seat as she relives - for what must be the thousandth time - what it felt like to have him draped over body, rubbing against her. The way his hair smelled, how smooth the skin of his nose felt rubbing along her neck…

Bones snaps his fingers in front of her face and her eyes shoot up to meet his own and he grunts.

‘’I still can’t believe what I walked into…’’

‘’Not this again, Bones, come on. It just happened, we had no warning and let’s be fair, we still had our clothes on…’’

‘’Jim, if I didn’t have the good sense to go and check in on you, the two of you would’ve been rutting like wild animals on that desk of yours. As it is, I feel like I’ve been scarred for life.’’ He hisses at her and she squirms a bit more.

‘’Sorry…’’

‘’Don’t be sorry, just don’t let it happen again.’’

‘’I’ve been doing my best to avoid him Bones, but I can’t wait for all this to be over… I miss seeing him.’’

Bones does nothing but cock his head to the side as he looks at her and she fidgets with her hair, aware that she just let slip something she should’ve kept to herself.

‘’Just make it through this next week and a half. Mbenga and I are working on diluting the serum we gave you, to somehow stop Spock from suffering through these symptoms to mate. If we can tailor it to only promote and aid in fertility… well, let’s just say I can stop worrying about leaving the two of you alone together.’’

‘’Which reminds me, why the hell do you even _have_ vials of fertile Vulcan pheromones stored on board my ship?’’ she presses and he flinches.

‘’Kid, it’s not my place to say. It’s confidential.’’

‘’I’m the captain Bones-‘’

‘’You could be the queen of the universe for all I care Jim, but I still ain’t telling you nothin’.’’

She folds her arms prissily across her chest and grinds her teeth as her foot starts to tap on the floor.

‘’Stop behavin’ like a brat. Come on and we’ll go make sure that you land up with a _brat_ of your own to take care of. Then you’ll finally see how I feel.’’

***********

Jim lay back on the biobed, her lower half covered by the a thin blue sheet, her uniform dress bunched up around her hips as she listens to the whirrs and trills of the medical equipment in the background making, her jaw clench with each beep. The fact that her best friend of eight years was about stick his head between her legs and get a close up encounter with her ladybits was vaguely mortifying.

Except, there wasn’t anyone else in the universe that she trusted more to get the job done right. She knew he was the best damn doctor the fleet had ever seen and she wasn’t ever afraid of getting hurt because she knew that he would save her. Hell, he had brought her back to life once, it only seemed appropriate that he be the one to help her start a new life altogether.

‘’Alright Jim, you ready?’’ at her nod he instructs her to part her knees, as she would with any pelvic exam and she does as ordered.

‘’This is going to feel a might uncomfortable for a moment or two, but it should be over before you know it.’’ He lifts the sheet and hums as he connects the catheter with the syringe and starts to insert the tube slowly into her.

‘’Deep breath.’’ He says and she sucks in air like a guppy as she feels a slight twinge right below her belly button from the inside. He explains to her that the catheter is now directly inside of her cervix and that he is making sure that that sperm is where it’s needed to be, injected directly into her uterus.

She feels numb. Like none of this is really happening. The silence of the room is only pierced by the odd hum of Bones and the beeping of her vitals.

‘’There darlin’.’’ He says and when he looks up she can’t help but quickly wipe away a tear that had somehow escaped her.

‘’Hey, hey… what’s all this crying about?’’ he asks softly as he pulls off his latex gloves, placing a hand on her hair and stroking backwards.

‘’I-I’m just really grateful that you’re here, Bones.’’ She sniffs and she gives him a watery smile that makes him bend down and place a kiss on her forehead.

‘’It’s scary stuff having kids, I know. But you’ll never be alone…not while I’m still breathin’ Jim.’’ He calms her and she nods into the side of the pillow.

‘’Now stay still for the next hour or so alright?’’

Jim starts to panic when he leaves the room but she sees him walk back in a moment later with a chair and when he places it next to her, she laughs in between her tears as he slumps himself into it before putting his feet up on the bed.

‘’What? Might as well catch a nap while I can.’’ He grumbles and closes his eyes, folding his arms dramatically.

Jim looks down at her friend and she swallows down another sob that threatens to come up. She is so, so everlastingly grateful that she met this man.

******************************************************************************

He is aware.

He is incredibly, irrefutably aware that at this very moment, Jim was receiving his sperm and barring complications, being impregnated with his child. He flexed his hands, he rotated his neck and he arched his back slightly to the left.

When he caught sight of his reflection in his monitor he stilled.

He was smiling. And if he was not in error, he had just completed what humans would call a celebratory ‘’whoop!’’ in silence by moving his body in such a manner.

He automatically scowled, forcing his features to smoothen out into their normal, blank ‘I do not have emotions’ façade. He stood from his chair and paced the floor for a few steps before shrugging off his uniform and heading to their shared bathroom. He set the shower to water, leaning his forehead against the cool tiles as he gripped the erection that had sprung up the moment he had received McCoy’s message stating that the procedure had gone well.

The thought of himself, his essence, inside of her… drew upon every territorial urge he had and he growled into the crook of his arm as he continued his slow, steady pace of masturbation. He had become so accustomed to envisioning himself and Jim in coitus that he no longer felt the spikes of guilt, the pull at his mind that said ‘this was wrong’.

His breathing became laboured, his grip tightening, his thumb brushing the head of his penis and he bit softly into his forearm as he ejaculated onto the floor, the water washing away his emissions and the evidence that his captain was the one to provoke such responses from him.

He panted lightly as he stood up straight, the water dripping down his nose and after a thorough clean, he emerged from the shower with a feeling similar to euphoria.

His counterpart’s words were ringing in his ears.

‘’Do what feels right, indeed.’’ He says to the mirror and he is again startled to note a smile on his face.

He is happy.

*******************************************************************************

Five hours later

********************************************************************************

‘’Captain. Transmission from Admiral Pike. Should I pipe it down to your quarters?’’ comes the brisk tone of Uhura and Jim scowls at the intercom.

‘’Thank you.’’ She responds and she hears a corresponding beep on her terminal as the feed is transferred through.

‘’Admiral. What can I do for you?’’ she asks happily as she sees him.

‘’You seem peppy Kirk. Good day?’’

‘’Oh, the best. But I think I’ll wait a while before I tell you Sir.’’

‘’Well, I look forward to it. Now, on to more, or should I say _less_ concerning matters.’’

‘’Yes sir?’’ Jim says as she settles in for what could possibly be a long talk.

‘’Wait, where is Commander Spock?’’ he asks and Jim flinches.

‘’Ah, we have rotated our shifts around Sir. He’s currently doing the night shift.’’

‘’Get his ass in here, I need to speak to him too.’’

Jim begins to panic, not wanting to tell Pike about her possible pregnancy until it’s been confirmed and even more reluctant to tell him that she couldn’t be in the same room as Spock for fear that she might violate him on the nearest available surface.

‘’Uh, Sir… I’m sure we can –‘’

‘’No, Kirk. I don’t care if you’re having personal problems. This comes all the way from the top. Orders from T’Pau. She asked me to send him a message and I wouldn’t dare not do it, that woman scares the shit out of me.’’

‘’Yes, sir. One moment then.’’ She places him on mute and calls the bridge.

‘’Kirk to Commander Spock.’’

‘’Spock here, Captain.’’

‘’I… I need you to come to my quarters, Spock.’’

….

…..

‘’Captain, that is at current, inadvisable, might I suggest w-‘’

‘’It’s an order from Admiral Pike, Spock. Just come. Now.’’

‘’I… Very well Captain.’’

‘’Kirk out.’’

She steals a look at Admiral Pike and she lets out a groan of despair off camera. How in the hell was this going to play out? Inadvisable? Of course it was bloody well inadvisable!

Pressing the unmute, she clears her throat to catch his attention and he turns to her and she spots Number One walk out of the frame.

‘’What’s with all this yes, sir no, sir nonsense. It’s never been like you to be this formal.’’

‘’I have no-ho idea what you’re talking about. Sir.’’ She says sweetly and gets him to chuckle.

Her door chimes and her heart leaps into her throat.

‘’C-Come!’’ she squeaks and she misses the look of interest this garners for the admiral.

‘’J--, Captain, you wished for me to come.’’ He says hoarsely and she has a feeling that she might giggle inappropriately and then spontaneously explode.

‘’Yes… I needed yo- I mean, Admiral Pike wants to speak to you.’’ She stutters and points to a chair.

She watches Spock pick up the chair and place it next to hers, his hands shaking as he released it and she hears a small huff of air escape him as he takes his seat next to her. Her nerves were tingling as she waited for Pike to start talking. She could feel the heat from his arm seeping into her, she could see from beneath her lashes, the outline of his cock in his pants, the way his eyes were almost half closed as he continued to breathe deeply, deliberately.

‘’Ah, Mister Spock. Nice of you to join us. Tell me… when did you think would be a good time to mention that T’Pau was your grandmother, hmmm?’’

Both her and Spock flinch at this and she turns her head to look at him in shock, she watches his eyes dart to her lips and she fights like hell to ward off the rising blush she can feel.

‘’I did not d-deem it necessary.’’ He says, quickly whipping his head straight ahead and she grips the arm rest of her chair as she feels his knee press into hers.

‘’Well, the next time your grandmother wants to speak to you, do you think you can simply ask her to place a call, rather than making her go through Starfleet’s official channels? Honestly…’’ Pike tuts and Jim bites her bottom lip when she notices Spock has pressed the heel of his hand firmly into his groin.

‘’I apologise. I will… I will endeavour to contact her more regularly. Might I enquire as to the nature of her message?’’ she hears him ask and she too, cannot wait for this conversation to be over.

‘’The thing is, is that she has ‘ _asked’_ if after you come to Starbase ten for the fundraising event – that you pick up New Vulcans latest supplies, as well as their ambassadors and bring them back to her.’’

‘’You want us to play taxi?’’ Jim scoffs, momentarily forgetting the horny Vulcan to her left.

‘’It’s part of the job Kirk. Your ship has been selected as the most suitable for their needs and once you have reached Starbase ten you will only be a week’s travel away from New Vulcan. Plus, I think your crew could do with a little furlough after all these weeks of glorified star charting.

Jim opens her mouth to agree, except she snaps it shut as she feels a hand rubbing circles into her knee. Spock had leaned forward with his left arm on the table, his head bent down and she shivered as she felt the drag of his nails against her skin.

‘’Well, I g-guess there’s nothing we can do about it. Was that all S-sir?’’ she half squeaks as his hand travels fractionally higher. She knows that he can feel how aroused she is becoming by this and as his head tilts up, she sees his nostrils flare.

_She is so screwed._

‘’What the hell is wrong with you? Are you sick? You’ve never given up this easily!’’ Pike questions her and she helplessly shrugs as she sees Spock rapidly lose his control with each passing minute.

‘’Admiral. I am n-needed on the bridge.’’ Spock manages to rasp out and the man nods his head.

‘’Fine, I’ll let you go then. Contact me before you hit Starbase ten, I’ll be there as well for this damn charity ball and I’m not doing it alone.’’ He states pointing a finger at her and with that they give him a salute in farewell, Spock’s hand on her knee lifting and forming the Vulcan Salute.

The monitor goes black.

She can hear his heavy breathing; she can feel the tension in the air…. ‘’Spock?’’ she whispers and he purrs at her.

_Oh god, she needs to get him out of here…_

She pushes her chair away from him and standing up too fast for him to catch her wrist, she walks to the middle of the empty floor and stands with her back facing him, her own heart racing and beating wildly in her ears.

She hears movement from behind her and she stutters as she speaks.

‘’Spock, you need to leave. G-go… now.’’

‘’You told me to _come_ , Jim.’’ He drawls out, lust making his voice deep and throaty.

She flinches in surprise when he is suddenly pressed up against her from behind, his broad chest dwarfing her own smaller frame and she shudders when she feels his cock begin to grind slowly against her ass. She can’t help but lean her head to the side as he bends his head to sniff and inhale deeply at her neck. His arms come around her, his hands settling on her hips and he holds her still as he continues to rub himself against her.

She whimpers when he begins to mouth at the skin behind her ear, dragging his open lips down to the crook of her neck and back up again.

‘’You have no concept of what it is that you are doing to me.’’ She hears him say and he bends her over as his hands move further down her body, his taller frame arching over her. Feeling his hands fisting at her skirt, he pulls the material up in scrunches one centimetre at a time, his index and middle fingers, rubbing at the soft smooth skin that becomes exposed. She lifts her arm to reach back, winding her fingers at the back of his head, through his hair as he continues to suck lightly at her skin.

‘’Spock, please... _please_ … this is a very, very bad idea.’’ She tries half-heartedly to stop him, pulling his head back to look him in the eyes. She regrets it immediately as his own latch onto her mouth and he leans forward, his warm moist breath covering her lips as he breathes on her. She closes her eyes as his incessant grinding becomes more forceful, her skirt almost as high as the top of her thighs, his hands beneath them as he pulls back her back firmly on the grip he now has, back into his groin.

She can’t think straight, between his purring, the vibrations running through her body and the emotions she can feel being transmitted through his own skin. She opens her own mouth and she can’t help but accept the air he is breathing into her and he takes her own into his lungs with greedy gasps. He moans when her fingers tighten in his hair and he removes one hand from her hip.

His hand settles onto her psi-points and quicker than she can blink, he is inside of her mind. Her universe explodes into feelings of want, need, lust, mate, breed, now, now , now as she feels his surface emotions and the thought of him feeling like this over… for her, catapults her onto a new level of arousal.

She is going to come without even being touched.

They are panting into one another’s’ mouths, gasping for air, rubbing, grinding, moaning and scratching at each other and before she has any warning, she lets out a small cry as her orgasm catches her by surprise.

His left hand is squeezed in between her thighs as she brings them together, bending over totally and he follows her over and with a vicious, surprised snarl of his own. She feels him bite her shoulder as he comes inside of his pants, still moving against her.

 

‘’Oh my god…’’ she breathes as she opens her eyes and turns her head to look at him.

********************************************************************************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying not blush at having used the word 'cock' in the same story as Spock. I feel dirty now... like I've defiled him somehow.
> 
> Lemme know what you think.. please?
> 
> As always, thank you for reading. Love you guys/gals to bits.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omfg guys... I'm going to Star Trek's 50th Anniversary Convention. My partner booked me in for a photoshoot with William Shatner... I think i'm going to cry....

‘’Oh my god…Spock….’’ He hears her whisper, her hand still clutching at the hairs on the back of his head. He hisses when he feels her mind grab at him, chasing after him as he comes back to himself. He does not wish to withdraw from the wonders of her mind and yet he knows he must when he begins to hear her thoughts as clear as his own.

_Oh, god that was amazing!_

_Wait…What the fuck have I done?_

_Uhura is going to kill **me**!_

_I’m so, so sorry!_

_Gods, but I want him!_

_Oh, god... Bones is going to kill **me**!_

‘’Jim…’’ he gasps as his hand between her thighs is squeezed as she squirms in his hold and she sucks in a breath as his nails tighten on the silken flesh.

He comes to awareness slowly, the scent of her, the feel of her, his heart clamouring in his side as he blinks away the haze of lust that had overtaken him, his orgasm having temporarily given him enough clarity to think straight.

 _I must release her…_ he thinks and she stiffens in his arms, no doubt hearing his thoughts and he slowly becomes cognizant of the fact that she is speaking to him.

‘’Spock, you need to let go of me, okay?’’ he hears her ask and his arms tighten around her, his body unwilling to relinquish the hold he has on her, his mind instantly rebelling at the thought.

‘’Please, Spock…’’ she moans as he pulls her up and back against his chest. He feels her heart pounding through her clothes, the speed so similar to the unsteady beat of his own.

He forces himself to remove his hands, the one on her psi-points trembling as he drops it to his side. _Surak… what have I done…_ he thinks to himself as he lets her go. He watches her turn slowly, her hands pulling her skirt back down frantically, her breathing still laboured, her body flushed from their encounter.

‘’We’re going to forget this happened okay?’’ she reaches out a shaky hand to his arm and he steps back, knowing that if she touched him again, he would not let her go a second time. ‘’You aren’t yourself, Spock.’’

His mind is overcome with guilt. Guilt for betraying his intended, guilt for entering Jim’s mind, guilt for _enjoying_ how easily they had come together, as if his very katra had called out to her and she had opened up for him with wide and welcoming arms. The peace, the sincere serenity he had experienced and the overwhelming euphoria that had coursed through both his mind and body at their joining, had left him speechless and in awe.

_T’hy’la_

‘’Mister Spock!’’ he hears her raise her voice and his eyes snap up to meet hers. ‘’This… this was completely my fault. It was _my_ lack of willpower, _my_ fault that this happened. You have no control over any of this. Do you understand Spock?’’

He keeps silent while shaking his head to dispute her claims, knowing that should he dare to open his mouth, he would complicate the situation further. He would ask her to not forget what had just transpired because it would stay with him for the rest for his days.

‘’I will… retire to my quarters.’’ He says huskily, alarmed when another bolt of desire washes over him.

‘’Wait, Spock! We need to talk about this.’’ He hears her plead and he closes his eyes as he turns towards the exit.

‘’Spock, goddammit!’’

‘’Jim. If I stay…’’ he breathes in deeply, allowing her pheromones to pass through him, ‘’If I stay, I will take you, I will claim you on every single available surface your quarters has. I will _bind you to me_ in ways you cannot comprehend. Do not test me any further than this. I will fail.’’

He does not stay to see her reaction. He leaves.

*************

He has crossed clear to the other side of the ship.

His hands are tightly clasped together behind his back as he stands alone in front of the window of observation room B. He has walked here in somewhat of a daze, forcing his feet in a certain direction and simply following them as long as the path he was taking did not lead back to his captain.

As he stood immobile, watching but not seeing the billions of stars, the fragments of lights pass behind the window as they travelled at warp four, he remembered his mother. She would often reprimand him with the same phrase, when he had misbehaved.

_There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience._

Did he confess his sins to Nyota? Should he admit his infidelity, his erroneous albeit uncontrolled lapse simply because he wished to clear his conscience and rid himself of this feeling of guilt, or did he genuinely believe that she deserved to know because he would want to know himself, should she ever betray him?

His gut clenched as he pictured the pain that he would inflict upon her with this confession. He did not know how he would ever be able to make amends for what has happened or if he was even worthy enough to try. His inhibitions or lack thereof when it came to the Captain’s pheromones was no excuse for his behaviour. He should have logically refused to enter the Captain’s quarters when the request had been made. Upon leaving the bridge, he had calculated that there would be a ninety-five percent chance of him engaging in some form of sexual behaviour with his Captain.  

And yet, he had chosen to go. Was he subconsciously allowing himself to be led astray? Did he want to pursue a sexual relationship with Jim? A romantic relationship?

Did he enter Jim’s quarters, knowing that he would betray Nyota but not caring if he did?

 _No_ , he shook his head vehemently. He had done everything in his power as of late to avoid Jim, to restrain himself and _not_ use his intended to quench the desire that another woman was inflicting upon him. He had fantasized over Jim, yes, however he had thought that as long as he could maintain a safe distance that these visions, these imaginings would never come to pass.

His hand shook as he brought it to his face, the trembling fingers passing over his mouth and as he remembered.

He remembered the way Jim’s skin tasted, the tang of salt, the sweetness, the texture of her skin as his teeth sank into her flesh. The way they had breathed into one another, gasping and writhing. How her body had yielded beneath his hands, beneath his fingertips as he had kissed his way up and down her skin. How her mind had sang to him, every firing synapse, ever sparkle of thought and how he had fallen into her mind, losing himself in the process.

She was his T’hy’la.

His chosen one.

The one person who would complement his own mind, to such a degree that there would and could be no comparison between them when they were joined. They would be ... _one._

If he were to terminate his relationship with Nyota and pursue one with Jim, he would have the chance to experience a love so deep, so profound, so everlastingly beautiful and eternal that he would never want for anything or anyone as much as he would want for her.

There was no truer bond, no bond more revered than the one that he had just discovered he could have with her… and yet…

His eyes opened and he forced himself to look at the stars going by. This was his reality; he was betrothed to Nyota. If he chose to stay with her, yes, there would be love, there would be happiness. They would live out their lives together in contentment.

However, the fact that she was pulling away from him, from their link… the sheer incompatibility he had been witness to the last time they had melded, informed him that this relationship with Nyota would pale in comparison, to the joy he would live through each day, should he choose Jim instead.

He did not _have to be_ with his T’hy’la in order to be happy… the only question he was as of yet unable to answer… was in fact if he _wanted to be_.

*************

He waits patiently for his intended to answer.

He has spent seven point two-three hours considering whether or not he should admit his betrayal and despite his reservations, he has ultimately whittled and worked his remaining thoughts down to one conclusion. He would tell her. He would face the consequences. He was not simply confessing to _unburden_ himself. He was proceeding with this course of action because she deserved to know that he was not the Vulcan she thought he was.

‘’Spock? Its three in the morning…’’ he watches her yawn, her hair unkempt and hanging loose on her shoulders.

‘’May I come in?’’ he asks sedately and for a moment her hand tenses against the door frame before she drops her arm and allows him to enter.

‘’Ashaya, I really have no energy to fight with you tonight. Please tell me that’s not why you’re here.’’ He hears her ask tiredly and he sighs in regret.

‘’I do not seek to enter into conflict with you, however events have come to pass that I could not withhold from you.’’

He motions for her to sit down and when she refuses, he attempts to form the words in his mind, preparing himself to say them out loud.

‘’Did you have sex with her?’’

His lungs seize as the words piece through him, his hands hanging loosely at his side in surprise at her question. How she had come to this conclusion was beyond him.

‘’I did not nor have I ever, engaged in sexual relations with Jim.’’

‘’But you cheated on me?’’

‘’Yes. I- I have betrayed you.’’

‘’Did you touch her?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Did you hold her?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Did you kiss her, Spock?’’

‘’I-I… I did. We did not kiss according to traditional Human ways, h-however …’’

‘’Enough!’’ his eyes widen as she snaps at him to stop and his mouth closes. He bows his head and waits for her screaming, her condemnations and when he lifts his lashes to look at her face; he is shocked to see no display of emotion on her graceful features at all.

‘’I forgive you.’’

His jaw clicks open and his eyes widen in disbelief.

‘’I apologize, but the complexities of human pranks escape me.’’

 

‘’Spock, I love you. I love you so much, that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. You didn’t sleep with her, you didn’t kiss her –‘’

 

‘’Nyota... I melded with her, I achieved orgas—‘’

 

‘’Enough!’’

 

He steps back as if though he has been physically struck and his head bows again, his arms folding in front of him.

 

‘’Nyota, the Captain and I are T’hy –‘’

 

‘’Enough… please.’’ She whispers and he falls silent.

 

‘’I know what you two are. I know… and I don’t care. We are happy, we were happy. We can be happy again. When all this is over, the two of us will start again….’’

 

‘’You were aware of this and did not think that I would need to know? Are you aware of what an honor it is to be part of a T’hy’la pair? What it could mean if I were to meld too frequently with the Captain?’’

 

His nostrils flare and his nails dig into the palms of his hands as his ire begins to grow at her carelessness.

 

‘’Did it ever occur to you that I could spontaneously _bond_ with her and therefore render our own link useless?’’ he snarls at her, forgetting that he had come here to be at her mercy, to beg for her forgiveness.

 

‘’That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you Spock! What woman in her right mind would tell the man she loves that he would find his soulmate just round the corner, to leave her and go be happy with someone else?’’ she says in anguish, desperation clear in her voice and he concedes to her albeit flawed logic.

 

‘’I am fighting here Spock. Fighting for you, to be with you, because even though I know that I can’t give you what you can get from Kirk, I still believe that I can make you happy.’’

 

‘’Nyota…’’ he reaches for her but she steps away from him and he pulls back his arm, disappointed that he was once again being denied the opportunity to touch her.

 

‘’I, too am fighting to stay connected with you. I am fighting to be here, with you. Regardless of the fact that I know that my T’hy’la is onboard this ship, I have placed enough value on our relationship, on you, to come here this evening. I know I cannot make amends for what has transpired between Jim and I …’’

 

‘’I know about the pheromones, Spock.’’

 

‘’You know? How do you know? Every invitation I have extended to you to discuss the matter has been declined by you.’’

 

‘’Chapel, she keeps me updated.’’

 

‘’I see.’’

 

She turns her back on him, a hand swiping across her face as she succumbs to the few tears her pride will allow to fall and he wishes desperately to take away this pain he has brought upon her. This chaos. This uncertainty.

 

‘’I will retire to my quarters.’’ He says when it becomes apparent that she has no intention of discussing this any further tonight.

 

‘’Spock... I’m not letting you go.’’ She murmurs as he passes through the door and if he hears the sound of glass shattering against the wall when he is several feet away from her quarters, he ignores this and the urge to return to her.

 

***************************************************************

 

Ten days later

*****************************************************************

He could breathe.

He inhaled sharply through his nose and felt a stirring of relief as he realised that the pheromones Jim had been given were beginning to wane and wear off with each passing day. He had seen her once since their sexual encounter and she had turned so startlingly red upon seeing him that he had momentarily forgotten about the cause of _why_ she would turn that particular shade and had offered her medical advice from across the hall.

When he had grasped that she was just in fact _acutely embarrassed_ about her apparent lack of self-control instead, he himself had simply blinked at her three times before turning a peculiar shade of green in response.

She had proceeded to _‘wave’_ at him before the doors had closed and he frowned at the abruptness of their encounter. Soon enough his body would be able to be in close proximity to her again, without the raging need to breed her and he illogically wished that time would go faster.

He takes another breath, his laboratory appearing before his eyes as he opened them.

 _Yes, definitely waning_ , he thought as he looked down at his semi-hard penis and his brow rose as he cursed for yet again allowing himself to get side-tracked by thoughts of his Captain.  As he cleared his mind by reciting the algorithms for trans-warp beaming, he felt confident enough to carry on with his duties in analyzing the data they had received from their most recent survey. He completed this task within ten minutes of starting and deciding that it was well past time to ascertain the state of the cultures he had been growing in the coolant chambers for the last month, he made his way over with purpose.

Outrage crackled through him as he was greeted by a mess of epic proportions on the floor. His cultures, his vials of sap and viscous fluids gathered from untold planets were all smashed on the floor. The shards of glass from containers glinting in the overhead lights, the fluids mixing and gleaming in swirls of colour against the patterned tiles of the floor.

Who would dare do such a thing as this? To destroy nearly two years’ worth of research, whether accidental or not, was cruel. He uncharacteristically pinched his nose as he chanted in his head back from a hundred to calm the fury he was experiencing at witnessing all his work go down the proverbial drain.

‘’Computer – logs of all entry and exit for the coolant chambers in my labs for the last three weeks.’’

‘’Working – list as follows : Ensign Barrows, Ensign Thomas, Researcher Vrok, Commander Spock, Science technician Allers, twenty three additional names. All mentioned have authority to access coolant chambers.’’

Spock ground his teeth together as he snatched his PADD out of his desk drawer, when he returned to the main laboratory and sent a request to all crewmen who had accessed the coolant chambers, informing them that he wished to speak to them at their earliest convenience,. He scheduled a meeting for that afternoon and with a flourish of anger he hit send and placed the PADD back in the drawer.

He would interview them extensively and determine who was at fault and how they would pay.

**********************************************************

It was a curious thing, being back on alpha shift with the Captain. He had messaged her the night before indicating that he was once again in control of himself and that it was high past time that he returned to the bridge on alpha shift with her.

As he sat in his designated seat, the atmosphere around him allowed his heart to settle into an easy rhythm of comradery and contentment as the Captain continued to jest with Lt Sulu about the drawbacks of using a katana in a firefight.

‘’It would be useless!’’ he hears her laugh while Sulu shakes his head.

‘’I could throw that beautiful sword at you and kill you before you even pulled the trigger, Captain.’’ Sulu gloated and Spock raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

Yes, it was extremely pleasing to be back on the bridge with his Captain. He observed that every few minutes she would turn her gaze from Lt Sulu and her eyes would land upon himself. She would give him an approximation of an awkward smile at first, before it would spread across her features into one of happiness.

His heart would constrict and warmth would spread in his side whenever she smiled shyly at him and he always took great care to return her gestures by responding as best he could, whether by lifting a teasing brow or by a small uplift in his lips in the corner.

He continued to observe his scanners and yet he found himself staring at her more often than usual. He found himself _fascinated_ by the way that her hand would rest on her lower stomach while she talked to someone, the hand rubbing in circular motions, her head dipping down every once a while in a gentle smile.  

He stood from his chair, the swivel of it giving a slight creak and Jim turned to him as he made his way down the steps to her chair. Standing behind her, he took another breath as her scent surrounded him. It was now a subtle flirtatious invitation and she tilted her head up to look at him.

‘’Captain, it is time to partake in your hourly lunch.’’

‘’Oh? Already?’’

‘’Indeed. Circumstances as they are – or as they could very well be – I would recommend that you eat accordingly and endeavor to adhere to all of McCoy’s dietary restrictions.’’ He intoned and she smirked at him.

‘’Starting with monitoring a little early there are we?’’

‘’It is only logical. Considering the circumstances.’’ He said in hushed tones and she sighed.

‘’Yeah, I guess you’re right.’’ She stretched as she stood, a small moan escaping her as her back clicked back into place, her hand returning to rub at her stomach subconsciously.

‘’I will join you, Captain.’’ He said as he stepped up behind her and he noticed a suspicious flush rising from her collar at the back of her neck. He ruminated on this for a second before he became aware of how close he was standing to her, how similar their positions were to the night they had spent together. He stepped back automatically and she cleared her throat as she turned, avoiding his eyes.

‘’Shall we Mister Spock?’’ she gave a sweeping motion with her hand towards the doors and he nodded yes in reply.

The turbolift ride down to the mess hall was fraught with tension as they shared the enclosed space with two others. He stood behind her against the wall and as the lift stopped at each floor letting someone off and letting others on, she would be pushed closer and closer to his person. Her hair tickled his chin as she moved in front of him and he denied himself the urge to sniff at her hair, to fold his arms around her once more. He was surprisingly proud when he was able to succeed in ignoring these urges.

He looked down at her, the smattering of freckles on the back of her neck forming intricate patterns which he illogically wished to trace with the tips of his fingers. He had not had the presence of mind to notice these things the last time they were in such close proximity.

Mercifully he was spared from remembering their encounter again as the doors opened and he strode with purpose alongside her as she joined the queue for the replicators.

Her hand was still idly rubbing her stomach… his eyes crinkled in the corners as he ducked his head and smiled secretly into his chest.

*********

‘’Spock, what are Vulcan males like around pregnant females?’’ she asks him around a mouthful of spinach and cheese pasta.

‘’I cannot of course speak for myself, however from the reports that I have read and from the accounts I have heard from my father’s own experiences, he simply said that he … _felt_ … more over-protective than normal. Vulcans are a territorial species Jim, in each case I have read about however, the pairs were always bonded. As this is not the case with us, I cannot be certain how I, personally will react.’’

‘’Huh? So you could potentially become a bigger pain in my ass?’’ she laughs and he frowns at her. She shovels in another mouthful and upon swallowing, she points rudely at him with her fork.

‘’Will you be able to smell if I’m pregnant? You know... like you did with the … uh... pheromones?’’

Spock sits back in his seat, his arms folding as he calculates how to best respond to her query, his fingers pick at the imaginary fluff on his bicep.

‘’Once again, it seems that I will be unable to answer you. While Vulcans have an extraordinary olfactory sense, we cannot simply identify pregnant females if they are not Vulcan. The child we may have created will of course be three quarters human. If the child were fully Vulcan, then yes, I would be able to determine if you were pregnant by scent alone.’’

‘’But you will tell me won’t you? I mean, Bones won’t scan me for another two weeks but I... I can’t help hoping that the procedure worked.’’ She says shyly as she twirls her fork around in her bowl.

‘’Jim, should I come to possess this knowledge before McCoy scans you, I will inform you. I too, am curious as to whether the procedure was successful.’’

He watches her as she continues to eat and he sighs as she makes a grab for the chocolate pudding cup situated in the corner of her tray. He swipes it before she can get hold of it and raises his brow.

‘’Excess sugar could be detrimental to the foetus’s growth.’’

‘’Spock… give me back my pudding cup right now and I won’t grab those ears of yours and slam your face into the table.’’ She mock growls and his amusement spikes as she leans forwards with an arm outstretched.

He leans back nonchalantly and holds the offending item out of her reach and she strains for it as she huffs in exasperation at his antics.

‘’Please... just one? Come on, I’ve basically given up on coffee for good. If I have to have one more cup of mint tea I think I’ll die.’’ She groans and he shakes his head imperceptibly at her illogical thinking.

‘’One cannot die from an overabundance of tea drinking.’’ He lifts the pudding cup higher, above his head.

‘’Give it. Now.’’

‘’No. I think not.’’ He says as he stands and when she begins to tap her foot on the floor in irritation, he finds it endearing.

‘’Fine, but I’m getting you back for this.’’ She hisses and he gives her a look that says that he will welcome it.

He deposits it in the waste receptacle and finding an unused replicator asks for an alternative to the chocolate.

‘’Spock... why is there a bowl of grapes in front me?’’

‘Vulcans are… allergic to chocolate. The consequences when consumed are most undesirable.’’ He drawls and he watches her eyes start to fill with moisture. Alarmed by the sudden change in her mood he sits back down in front of her and drags the bowl hastily away from her.

‘’Spock... I c-could have killed my maybe-there baby.’’ She sniffs and her hands clench in her lap as her shoulders hunch forward.

‘’No Jim… Please, I did not intend to distress you. I – I may have obfuscated the truth to a certain degree. It is not something that we want known.’’ His eyes plead with her and her lower lips proceeds to wobble.

‘’Chocolate is similar to alcohol for Vulcans. The detrimental effects I mention were what you humans would refer to as a … hangover.’’

‘’You … you…’’ she splutters as she quickly scrunches up her nose and runs a hand over face, her eyelashes blinking furiously to dispel any tears that had not yet fallen.

‘’Could you not have just told me that?’’ she asks angrily as she glares at him and he shakes his head.

‘’On one occasion, back at the academy, this fact became known by a select few and in those last few months as a student, my peers tried every day to get me intoxicated through means of coercion or force.’’ He says softly and she gasps.

‘’Those bastards tried to force you to eat it?’’

‘’They did attempt it, however as Vulcan’s possess significant physical strength over humans, they did not succeed. As with most humans I have come encountered, the appeal wore off after each failed attempt and they left me alone to pursue other ventures.’’

‘’I’m sorry Spock. I wish I could’ve known you back then. I would’ve kicked their asses for you.’’ She says, her earlier irritation gone in an instant.

‘’I do not think you would have enjoyed my company back then, Captain.’’ He intones deeply and she shakes her head.

‘’Spock, I like who you are now. Very much.’’

He does not know how to respond to her for fear that he will display all the conflicting emotions on his face which are currently invading his mind. He chooses instead to duck his head and sip at his tea, giving her a non-committal hum in response.

He relishes her company, the companionable silence as they continue to steal glances at one another at regular intervals. He observes her hair, the way it has fallen forward in loose strands from her bun at the back of her head, to frame her face. The thin outline of her freckled nose, the dark lashes fluttering with each blink she takes. His gaze drops to her upturned lips, which twitch and pout every once in a while as she wets them with the tip of her tongue, an almost inaudible hum escaping her as she scrolls through her messages.

She is indeed, aesthetically pleasing. Exquisitely so, in fact.

He is caught watching her and she grins at him, her own eyebrow rising in question to his continued stare. His body represses a shudder as a spark, a tingle of unknown origin skitters through his nerve endings the longer their eyes hold.

He becomes illogically flustered and breaks the connection as he stands.

‘’We should report back to the bridge, Captain.’’ Turning he strides to the turbolift and holds the door open as he waits for her to join him.

How peculiar that when they were alone in a room together, they found difficulty in conversing normally. All of the tension, the unanswered questions seeming to linger in the air around them, so very different from when they were surrounded by others.

‘’Spock... I’m sorry about Uhura.’’ She says so quietly his superior hears almost did not hear her.

‘’Why are you apologising Jim? Nyota and I have not terminated our relationship.’’

She spins around and places her hands on her hips…

‘’Uh… come again?’’

‘’ We have not terminated our relationship.’’ He repeats himself, much to his irritation.

‘’But… but you told her right? That we... that you and I …’’

‘’Affirmative.’’ He replies and her mouth opens in shock.

‘’Wow… ok… just wow…’’

‘’Jim, I do not understand why you appear to be confused.’’

‘’Confused? Mister Spock, my mind is bloody boggled by this. She requested to be moved from the bridge. I thought that meant that you two had... you know… ended things!’’

‘’Clarify.’’

‘’Spock... look… what happened between us… come on, we were practically dry humping each other into orgasm. That’s…’’ she places both hands over her face as she turns her back on him again, a frustrated moan leaving her lips and his breath hitches.

‘’Captain, please do not discuss it. While the pheromones have all but disappeared from your system… the memories of it - are able to trigger the same symptoms in me. Please... Jim. Do not discuss it.’’

She takes a step back and he sighs in relief as he is no longer tempted to touch her.

‘’Nyota has… forgiven me. I am similarly perplexed by this course of action on her part and yet I am grateful.’’ He huffs thinking back to reading her request on how she would ‘need some time to process all of this.’

‘’Well then… I’m uh, glad for you Spock.’’ She grumbles and his curiosity is piqued when he hears the disappointment in her voice.

***********************************************************************************


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in such a good mood... appreciate it while it lasts folks!

_Okay, okay Jim… you can stop gawking now... just… stop._

_You don’t need to think about his hands or how they felt wrapped around you; you don’t need to remember how his breath ghosted over your skin and you definitely don’t need to think about his long, nimble fingers pressed against your face – causing you soul destroying orgasms that will haunt you till the end of time._

_It doesn’t matter that if you ever sleep with someone else again, all you would imagine is him pressed up against you._

She flicks her eyes back to the view screen in front of her. Her chair swivels from side to side as she uses her leg to swish it around in her boredom.

 _That’s it… next M class planet we fly by, I am so going down for some fresh air_ she huffs as she blows a stray lock of hair out of her eyes.

She can’t help herself and she turns to her First Officer’s position again. He is bending over his scanners, fingers flying over the keys, back delicately arched, firm rounded ass just begging to be groped. She licks her lips subconsciously, her toes curling as she relives how he had made her come over and over again on a loop in her mind.

_God, she really was a horrible person._

Since that night, their conversations when alone in a room together had been stilted and awkward; neither of them wanting to address this sudden tension whether sexual or not that seemed to crop up each time they looked at one another. It was suddenly a case of her thinking about him more often than usual. The shy almost coy looks shared between them, like a dirty, guilty secret were driving her insane.

A mixture of lust, guilt and happiness all wrapped up in one fluffy ball built up in her stomach the longer she looked at him.

She was so happy that the pheromones Bones had given her were wearing off, because apart from the lust she felt whenever she saw him or spoke to him or even just thought of him, she was genuinely pleased to just be around him. She rubbed her still flat stomach and smirked.

Was she being stupid or did she already feel pregnant? I mean yeah she knew she wouldn’t start showing any symptoms for a few more weeks but she just had a feeling. A sense of hope really, that she was going to be having a baby in nine months and that the best thing about it all, was that it was going to be Spock’s baby.

She shivered as the hairs on her arms stood on end and she quickly remembered that her chair was still facing Spock’s station and that while she had been lost in her thoughts about him she was still staring at him. As the prickle intensified she looks up and catches him returning her stare and she can’t help but give an embarrassed chuckle at being caught checking him out. She holds up her hands and waves dismissively when he steps forward as if to come to her and he stops.

She turns her chair back around and promises herself that in future when she does undress him with her eyes, she will do so in secret and not get caught. She clears her throat and pats her stomach in apology to her maybe-baby for causing all this excitement that was currently coursing through her body and checking the time, she’s pleasantly surprised when she discovers her shift is almost over.

‘’Lt Hanney – Report.’’

‘’All communications have been logged captain. No interference or signals unknown in the immediate area.’’

Jim sighs as disappointment sets in; it was so goddamn quiet these days.

‘’Thank you, Lt Hanney.’’

 _I bet if Uhura were here she would find us something to do_ she grumbled quietly in her mind and immediately after that thought she snorts in disbelief.

She forgives him?

Seriously? Was Uhura some sort of masochist?

Not that she had _any_ right to judge when she’s the main reason why Uhura wasn’t on the bridge. Uhura didn’t even talk to her about it. To be honest she was expecting the lieutenant to burst into her quarters at some point and make an unholy scene while kicking her ass about the room.

That would have been her reaction. That was what Jim had expected but this… this was just crazy.

_Was all of this crazy?_

Deciding to bite the bullet and go and cause some more awkwardness for the hell of it, she walked over to Spock and slung an arm over his chair, peering over his shoulder.

‘’Mister Spock... please tell me that you’ll have something exciting for us to do soon…’’ she mock pouted at him.

‘’I am sorry to disappoint you then, Captain.’’ He intones with a shake of his head.

‘’You could never disappointment me, Spock.’’ She winks at him and she has the great pleasure in seeing him get flustered before he turns his back on her again.

she leaves the bridge with glee.

****************

‘’Hello, my dear Jim.’’

‘’Hey, old man. You’ve been exceptionally quiet lately.’’ She waggles her finger at Other-Spock in reprimand and he gives a small chuckle.

‘’Not at all. I have simply been… busy.’’ He says with a small smile and she marvels at how easily he can display emotion on his face.

‘’You are staring dear one. It is rude to stare, you will make me blush.’’

‘’Shoot, sorry. I’ve just... uh, been staring at Spock a lot, other-you… at _my_ Spock I mean.’’ She stutters and he gives her knowing look that makes her blush instead and she gives him the finger good naturedly.

‘’It’s bizarre. Two months ago, we could barely get along. Now we’re… we’re good, ya know? Like oddly shaped puzzle pieces just suddenly fitting together.’’ She hums as she combs her hand through her hair.

‘’My dear, I have told you before, many times in fact, that you should not give up on Spock. My counterpart – ‘’

‘’Will give you a life-defining friendship. Yeah, yeah I know.’’

‘’And do you now believe me?’’ he asks and her eyes light up as she brings up a hand and rubs her belly.

‘’Ah.’’ He says gently and a look of grief passes momentarily over his face, his eyes becoming clouded with pain.

‘’Hey, in a weird way, this is your kid too. We can be one happy dysfunctional family.’’

‘’I am gratified that you consider me as such.’’ He says warmly, the life in his eyes returning.

‘’Of course I do.’’ She undoes her ponytail and kicks off her shoes beneath her desk and leans back in her chair with a glass of water, sipping idly as she continues to stare at him.

‘’Go on, then. Ask… I know that you’re _dying_ to ask me, so just do it.’’

‘’Have you and my counterpart formed an intimate relationship since the last time we spoke?’’ he says somewhat hesitantly and she chortles into her water when she spies a green tinge lighten his ears.

‘’No… and yes.’’ She huffs and places her glass down. ‘’We both got a little overwhelmed with one another a while back. I was… responsible for what happened.’’ She says guiltily and when he shakes his head, she holds up her hand to stop his words that would most likely defend her actions.

‘’We melded. It… it was _extraordinary_ you know? Kind of like with you but just… more right... I can’t explain it properly with words.’’

‘’So he knows then.’’ Other-Spock said more to himself than to Jim and she scowls.

‘’Knows what? Hey, old man… no more secrets okay. Uhura came up to me a few weeks ago and started spouting crap like destiny and ‘teehla’ and god knows what that means… be honest with me now, was she calling me a _bitch_ in Vulcan?’’ she growls and Spock leans his head back and unexpectedly roars in laughter at her.

‘’OI! Cut it out, you know how I hate being left out of the loop.’’

‘’It was not a derogatory word, Jim. In fact, it is a word that carries great meaning in our culture. It is what you are to Spock and what he is to you.’’

‘’Really, really good friends?’’

‘’Partially, but I will not deprive you of the chance to discover the truth for yourself. Ask him if you wish.’’

‘’I am asking him ... by asking you!’’ she pouts, crossing her arms haughtily as he continues to quietly laugh at her.

‘’You can be lucky I love you, Old man or else I’d…’’ she threatens with a closed fist and his eyebrow climbs into his hairline in surprise.

‘’I ... cherish thee as well, dear one.’’

‘’Anyway, before things get too soppy around here.’’ She pats her stomach again and reaches for her glass. ‘’I hear I’ll be seeing you soon. I can’t wait.’’

‘’Indeed. I will travel with you to New Vulcan. It will be most pleasant to spend those two weeks of travelling in your company. That is of course, if my counterpart allows it.’’

Her face contorts into a mishmash of confusion and incredulity. ‘’Why wouldn’t he allow it?’’

‘’Because dear one, if you are pregnant with his child, he will not take kindly to other males around your person.’’

‘’Oh, yeah... we discussed that and he says that I basically don’t have to worry because it’s unlikely that he will mind or show any territorial urges because the kid won’t be pure Vulcan.’’

‘’Did he?’’ Other-Spock huffs in amusement and Jim’s radar for bullshit starts to beep.

‘’Tell me what you know.’’

‘’As this will be oddly self-serving to say... I will say it nonetheless… _good luck_ with Spock ,Jim.’’

‘’Wait, wait... does that mean you have childr—‘’

‘’I will say no more on the matter.’’ He folds his own arms and she sees a glint of stubbornness appear in the way he angles his chin. So very much like her own Spock.

‘’Fine, just promise me that I can come to you for advice and peace of mind for when I feel like killing him.’’’

‘’I cannot promise you that, as that will mostly likely only exacerbate the situation. If you have concerns about his behaviour I find it would be best to simply discuss it with him instead and come to a compromise of sorts.’’

Jim snorts but agrees with a nod of her head.

‘’Jim, if I may ask… how is Nyota?’’

‘’Ugh, I don’t know old man, it’s… it’s tough I suppose. I found myself missing her today on the bridge. She’s taken herself off rotation for the next week… how crazy is that? I mean, ok, I did rut against her boyfriend like a rabid bunny but that’s no reason to bring it to the bridge ... or not as the case may be.’’ She mutters and he hums in thought.

‘’I feel I am to blame for some of the strife she is currently experiencing.’’

‘’How the hell are you responsible?’’

‘’After you perished and were subsequently revived after Khan, I met with the young lieutenant in your room. At that time, she caught me in a compromising position…’’ his cheeks grow green and she hurries him on with her hand.

‘’I was caught giving you a kiss... on the forehead of course... I would never…’’

‘’No, don’t apologise Spock. I’m happy you care.’’ She says and she feels the warmth of his affectionate gaze travel from the screen and settle right in her heart.

‘’Very well. In any event, as you know Vulcans are not ones for displaying emotion or taking part in illogical actions and when she discovered me and asked me how and why I was there with you, she correctly deduced my identity.’’

‘’And… what’s wrong with that?’’

‘’I was… compromised, at that moment in time by news of your demise and I spoke out of turn. I informed the young lieutenant about our relationship as well as the one with me and your counterpart. She did not take kindly to the news.’’

‘’Well, look… you can’t blame yourself for that. It’s her fault then that she took whatever you said so damn personally.’’ Jim huffs, illogically angry at Uhura for questioning her old Spock.

‘’Calm, young one. In any case, I am pleased by the developments between you and my counterpart.’’

‘’Thanks, Spock.’’

‘’When will you discover if you are truly with child?’’

‘’A few days, Bones says I’m an impatient brat. He caught me stealing home-kit pregnancy tests and he hypo’ed me painfully for my efforts. I just want to know, you know. Like now. But he says it’s too early to detect with the kits or any scans.’’

‘’If I may make a suggestion…’’

‘’If you truly wish to discover the news early, I would ask you to cleanse yourself in the shower, use no products that contain perfumes... and simply ask my counterpart to sniff at your wrist for a moment or two. I say wrist, purely because it is not as intimate as the neck.’’

‘’HAHAHAHAHAHA… Are you serious? I have to ask Spock to sniff me? Oh god, that’s great. I’ll just walk right up to him and say _hey, sexy Vulcan, smell me._ ’’ She gives him a smouldering, seductive look and he swallows hard in embarrassment.

‘’Sexy?’’ he enquires as she slaps both her hands over her face.

‘’Argh! forget you heard that!’’ she points her finger at the screen again, much to his amusement.

‘’Bear in mind what I have told you, my experiences were strong, the compulsions hard to ignore and ultimately, I did not mind the sensations and symptoms that overcame me. It was the happiest I had been in a long while.’’

‘’Okay, I’ll keep it in mind.’’ She says, waving a hand at her face to try and dispel the colour that kept coming back each time she remembered what she said.

‘’I will speak to you soon, my dear one. And I shall see you soon as well. Do be careful in the meantime Jim.’’

‘’I will do my best. Thanks, for the chat and the advice old man.’’

‘’Live long and prosper, Jim.’’

‘’Bye….’’

The screen goes black and she blows out a breath in relief... she had revealed far too much in that conversation. Stretching out the kinks in her back she padded over to her bed and flopped down on the covers with a happy sigh. Rolling onto her side, she grabbed the PADD on her bedside table and started scrolling through all the pamphlets and information packages Bones had passed along to her.

‘’What to expect when you are expecting...’’ she rolls her eyes, she’s well aware of the information she’s reading about and she decides to instead play some music. Plugging in her headphones, settling the volume low enough so that she could still hear the ship’s alarms if she was needed, she put on her playlist of classical music.

Beethoven’s Sonata Pathetique tinkled and rose through her earphones and she wondered with a smile if her maybe-maybe could hear it… wasn’t classical music supposed to make babies smarter? Ha! She snorts into her pillow as she remembers that _hey, she’s a frikkin genius_ and so is Spock. This kid will be just fine with or without classical music.

With that thought, she starts to drift off to the music.

*********************************

‘’Kid! Kid… wake up.’’ She hears her friends’ dulcet tones and she moans into her pillow, grumbling for him to go away.

‘’Shoes not so nice when it’s on the other foot is it darlin’?’’

‘’What you want Bones?’’ she sits up and rubs at her eyes, a yawn making her jaw click as she focuses on him.

‘’I thought we were meeting for supper?’’ he asks and she curses.

‘’Sorry, Bones. Lost track of time.’’ She swings her legs off the bed and without further ado starts to tug off her uniform in front of him.

‘’Jesus, Kid. Don’t you have a sense of modesty?’’

‘’I’ve never heard you complain before, why now?’’

‘’Because … because you might be pregnant. In my mind, that means you’re taken. I don’t want to look.’’

She barks out a laugh as she slips on a pair of white jeans and a black tank top, twisting her hair high on top of her head and with a cursory glance in the mirror she’s all set to go.

‘’I’m not taken Bones.’’

‘’Yeah, you kinda are. To be honest, I don’t even know if I should be in your room alone with you.’’

‘’You’re being ridiculous.’’

‘’M’not. I just don’t want to give the hobgoblin a reason to murder me in my sleep.’’

‘’Well as long as he does it quietly, I don’t mind.’’ She teases and he scowls at her, his hand twitching inside his pocket which housed his hypo’s of doom.

Jim slips her shoes on and they make their way to the mess, she doesn’t even bother joining the queue as she knows Bones will veto everything she tries to order, so for sanity’s sake she just lets him decide for her.

He comes back with steamed chicken and broccoli with a side of coleslaw. She’s really tempted to eat it all, if only to simply have the pleasure of throwing it all back up - all over him. She stabs the chicken forcefully with her fork and making a point to show him that she was going to eat it, she exaggerates the ‘mmmm’ she does as she takes a bite.

‘’Grow up. I’m not letting you feed my godchild any of your usual crap.’’

‘’Oh? I don’t recall making you the godparent.’’ she sticks out her tongue and he tries to smack her playfully in the mouth.

‘’It’s written in our invisible friendship contract. I will be godfather to any and all kids you pop out.’’

‘’Well, I don’t mind. Just in case you were wondering.’’

‘’It’s not like I need to ask Spock’s permission.’’ He says grouchily and stabs at his own plate full of green beans and pasta.

‘’Hmm, yeah… I don’t know what’s gonna happen with that.’’

‘’He hasn’t spoken to you about it yet?’’

‘’ Bout what?’’ she mumbles around her broccoli and he scolds her for speaking with her mouth full.

‘’I asked him to talk to you about how you two are – or aren’t – going to raise this baby together.’’

‘’Yeah, that’s the next topic of discussion in Chapels session tomorrow. Last week we discussed our –‘’ Jim promptly closes her mouth and pretends like she didn’t just stop speaking halfway through a sentence.

‘’Spill it. You’ve been hiding something from me for ages. Out with it.’’

‘’I plead the fifth. You can’t make me.’’ She growls and shuffles more chicken into her mouth.

‘’You will tell me or so help me I will go to Spock and get him to tell me.’’ He threatens and she chokes on her mouthful of food. Bones stands and quickly slaps her on the back a few times so that she could breathe properly.

Instead of sitting down again, he grabs her with both hands around the shoulders and turns her to him, her neck is straining when she looks up at him.

‘’Did he hurt you? So help me I’ll-‘’

‘’No, Bones…’’ she swallows the last of her death inducing chicken and pats him on the arm.

‘’But with the pheromones -- ’’

‘’Nothing happened, that I didn’t want to happen.’’

‘’Did you have se…. Christ... I’m a doctor! Why am I so squicked out when it comes to you and Spock?’’ he ruffles his hair in frustration and she smirks at him.

‘’You’ve got nothing to worry about. Trust me. ‘’

He harrumphs and takes his seat again and they continue to eat their supper in a mix of silence and heated jabs at one another’s flaws.

As they get up to leave, he stiffens for a moment before he gets a glint in his eyes that spells out mischief. He swings his arm over her shoulder, pulling her closer and places a kiss on top of her head. She hears him chuckle and she tries to turn him so that she can see what’s so damned funny but he simply leads her from the room.

 _What a weirdo_ she thinks as she wraps an affectionate arm around his waist as they return to her quarters.

*************************************************************

 _Unacceptable…_ Spock thought as he chewed bitterly on his food.

It was completely unacceptable that the Captain had allowed herself to be kissed and held and _dragged_ away by her subordinate in full view of the crew in the mess hall.

He had been observing them for the past thirty-five minutes, each nuance of expression on their faces when they bantered, each bodily motion when they would lean forward and mock assault one another with an eating utensil or with a portion of food. Wasteful _and_ unacceptable.

When McCoy had noticed him watching, that was when he had placed his hands _lewdly_ around his Captain and had proceeded to take her way - all the while, no doubt laughing at him. Spock was more disturbed by the fact that his Captain had allowed such behaviour and not just allowed it, she had _reciprocated_!

_Such blatant disregard for the no-fraternization policies on board this ship._

He shook his head as he conceded a second later that he was guilty of breaking that same policy, so why should it matter if Jim did. Was this now … it? The end? She had successfully gotten his sperm and now she felt confident enough to fornicate with others when she could possibly be carrying _his_ child?

He would need to clarify this maddening situation as soon as possible. For her reputation, of course.

He left his tray lying on the table as he stood and he increased his pace, intending to waylay them and separate his Captain from the disagreeable, tetchy medical practitioner. He saw a flash of gold turn the corner and he suddenly came to a stop.

Why… _exactly…_ was he so distressed?

It should not matter to him that his T’hy’la was getting attention from other men. It should not matter at all that he illogically wanted to remove the arm around his Captain with such force that by the time he was done, the Doctor would have to have it surgically removed from his posterior.

He closed his eyes in the middle of the corridor and took to walking at a much more sedate pace when he opened them again. He entered his quarters quietly and when he heard the doctor laugh through the walls, he found himself grinding his teeth. He was curious as to what could _possibly_ be that humorous.

For a time, he walked about his quarters with hands together, index and middle fingers pressed tightly against one another as he tried to find a logical reason for intruding upon their time in her quarters.

‘’Oh my god… _Bones_!’’ he heard through the walls and his spine cracked as it straightened with enough speed to leave him feeling disorientated.

_It was not so long ago that she had uttered those words while she had been encased in his arms._

‘’Harder Bones, come on…’’ She moaned and Spock’ eyebrow began to twitch as he took an involuntary step forward.

‘’I’m trying darlin’… it’s too tight dammit. When was the last time you used this thing?’’

‘’Mmmm… god, I don’t know… just get on with it.’’ Her muffled voice said and Spock took another step forward as his jaw dropped to the floor.

‘’There... I can get it in now.’’ The doctor grunted and Spock was concerned to note that a haze of red had begun to fill his vision as his hand stretch out towards the bathroom door, his feet carrying him there as if though he were floating on a breeze.

He entered the bathroom, punched in his override code and entered the room preparing to put a stop to the debauchery, the unacceptable behaviour of two senior officers on board this ship.

They were disturbing the peace!

******************************************************************

‘’Captain!’’ she heard a snarl and she dropped the PADD she was holding in surprise.

‘’Uh… Spock?’’

She watched her frazzled first officer standing by the bathroom door, his chest rising and deflating more noticeably than she’s ever seen it and when she replayed her conversation with Bones back in her mind she just _knew_ why he was here.

‘’Something we can help you with Mister Spock?’’ she asks as she slips off her bed and walks towards him arms folded, a shit eating grin on her face.

‘’I- I heard a distressing noise coming from your quarters, Captain.’’ He muttered his eyes not leaving her face and she giggled when his face went from looking thunderous to simply one of confusion as his eyes flicked over to Bones.

‘’Bloody hell Jim, this goddamn drawer of yours won’t open any wider than this. You might have to chuck the whole thing and get Scotty to build you a new one.’’ Bones mutters from his crouched position on the floor, next to the bed.

‘’I see I was in error. Forgive me, I will return –‘’

‘’Not so fast hobgoblin. I was just leaving anyhow. Jim, you’ll tell me this big secret of yours tomorrow okay? And you … you better behave yourself Spock.’’ He jabs his finger at them both and Jim swats at him as he walks past.

‘’See you later Bones!’’ she yells when he leaves her room.

She turns back to her confuzzled Vulcan and she can’t control herself. She starts laughing hysterically at the fact that Spock had thought that she was busy screwing Bones.

‘’If you mean to insult me, you are succeeding.’’ He snaps and she puts her hand in front of her mouth.

‘’No, I don’t want to insult you, but come on... You thought I was banging Bones! He’s like my brother for god’s sakes.’’ She titters in amusement as she walks back over to her bed, sinking down and crossing her legs.

‘’You cannot possibly know what I am thinking.’’ He says and she spots a flash of alarm behind his eyes when they tighten in the corners.

‘’Well, not since we melded… but it’s pretty obvious by the way you came charging in here.’’ She sweeps a hand across the expanse of the room.

‘’Jim. I have asked you repeatedly to not discuss what happened here twelve-point-four days ago.’’ He says through gritted teeth and she sighs.

‘’You’re right. I’m sorry… but I’m… gods, I’m just having a little bit of trouble _not_ thinking about it, you know?’’ she says as she combs through her hair with her fingers.

‘’I… what would you have me say, Jim. What could I say that would not incite either anger from my intended later or inspire anger from you now?’’

‘’I… I don’t know.’’

‘’I could inform you that I too, have not ceased thinking about our encounter since it has happened, but that I wish I could forget for Nyota’s sake. But for yours… I wish I could say that it was the single most enjoyable encounter I have ever experienced.’’ He says softly and her breath hitches heavily as she makes her way off the bed again, back to him.

She lays a hand on his bicep as she closes the space between them. Leaning forward, she places a soft, lingering kiss on his cheek and she hears him, smells him, feels him shudder beneath her touch.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ She repeats again and he nods, his eyes avoiding hers.

‘’Will you wait for me? I want to take a shower and then I want to try something.’’ He stiffens and a small grunt of frustration leaves him involuntarily. She can tell by the grinding of his teeth.

‘’I will not engage in any more sexual behaviour with you, Jim.’’

‘’I’m not asking you to Spock.’’ She says a touch pissily and when he meets her eyes, she can’t decipher whether it’s relief or disappointment shining in them.

‘’I’ll be back.’’ She tells him and she leaves him alone in her quarters.

She rinses herself quickly and tugging her clothes back on, she flushes as she realises what she’s about to ask him. Was it a personal thing? Did only bondmates go around sniffing each other? Would she piss him off if she did ask?

Never one to be afraid, she sucked in a breath, blew it out and moved forward. When she entered her room again, he was sitting in his usual chair by the table with the chessboard. He seemed to fit somehow, like he belonged in her space, amongst her things.

‘’I spoke to your counterpart today.’’ She starts off hesitantly and his mouth twitches.

 _Big girl pants Jim!_ She reminds herself as she takes a seat next to him, pulling the chair along and over.

‘’I... I told him that I was … eager... to find out if I’m pregnant…’’

‘’Indeed.’’

_Okay, so one word answers wasn’t what she was going for here._

‘’He said that… that you would be able to tell if I am – ‘’

‘’We have already discussed this.’’ He says snippily and she refrains from retorting in kind.

‘’Yes, but I have it on good authority that you will be able to tell…’’

‘’I tire of repeating myself Captain. I am not him!’’ he snaps and he stands to leave.

She grabs his wrist, their skin instantly tingling and they both let out whimpers of shock at the intensity. He removes his arm from her hold and when she stands as well, his eyes are closed. Like he was somehow fighting an internal battle that he was dangerously close to losing.

‘’Spock, I am having a baby with you. _You_. You Spock. Not him. I know you’re different.’’

He huffs and she curls her fingers into her palm, afraid of his response.

‘’Spock, could you … smell my wrist?’’ she asks and her toes curl at the sound of her voice. So weak, so small and timid and when he cocks his head to the side she tries to smile at him, but it falls flat.

‘’I want to know Spock. It’s been almost thirteen days since then. You haven’t been close enough to me since that night to be able to tell. The perfume I wear apparently masks it as well.’’ She says more to the floor than to him as her chin ducks down, her head dropping dejectedly.

It’s quiet for a while in quarters. As the seconds tick by, she loses her nerve and backs away from. His hand snaps forward and his long, lean fingers wrap around her wrist. His fingernails scratching at the vein that pulses beneath her skin and she gasps as she feels his emotions transfer through to her.

_Apprehension. Nervousness. Fear. Excitement. Lust._

She swallows, her tongue dipping out to wet her lower lip as he raised her arm to his mouth. His nose skims across her skin and with each deep breath he takes, she watches his face for any sign, any clue of what it is that he is discovering.

His eyelashes are fluttering, his lips are thinned and heavy, deep inhales are being taken through his nose, expelled through his warm breath. It has put her in a slight trance and she feels his emotions intensify as he allows it pass through to her.

_Happiness. Satisfaction. Exaltation._

Her head is spinning as she begins to understand.

_She’s pregnant._

_She’s going to have a baby._

_She was going to have a family._

‘’Spock…’’ she breathes in awe and as his eyes open, his mouth skimming her wrist in a light kiss, she throws her arms around his neck and hugs him as tight as she can.

‘’Thank you, Spock. Thank you. Oh, Spock… thank you.’’

 

‘’You are welcome, my Jim.’’

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If i ask you not to hate me... well, could you try? lol. I swear to god, i will make this right.. at some point.

_My Jim_

_Yes… she is … my Jim._

He felt the way her heart was beating against his chest, her head buried beneath his chin, her hands tightly clasped behind his neck as she continued to utter words of thanks, pleas for him to understand just how happy she was. How happy he had made her. Her wrists were touching the skin on his neck and through it he revelled in the emotions being transferred to him. The buzz of how compatible they could be, if only they tried.

He had passed the point of no return; he could no longer dally about in his thoughts or his emotions when it came to the women in his life.

He wrapped his own arms around Jim, hands folding into the material about her waist. He returned her gesture of happiness and allowed himself a moment to simply hold her. To simply _be_ , be who he was at his core and at that moment all he wanted, was to be happy with his T’hy’la.

She releases him slowly, the drag of her hands around his neck making him shudder as the contact between lessened. Her eyes were wet, a tear or two spilling out of the corners as she smiled brilliantly at him, her cerulean coloured eyes bright and alive as she took his face in her hands. He gripped both of her wrists, holding her hands briefly against his face, before gently lowering them and placing them on her stomach. His own fingers now touching where their baby would grow.

‘’Jim…’’

‘You sure you’re happy ab-’’

‘’I am… beyond pleased at this discovery.’’ He stops her mid-sentence and she chuckles shyly at his admission.

He cannot take his eyes off her face; he wishes to remember this moment in as much detail as he can. He frowns when he feels his shields waver, a place far back in his mind reaching for something… or someone.

‘’Spock… do you feel it too?’’ she asks as she feels a small tug at her own mind, like it was searching for something. Her skin prickled and she rubbed at her arm as electricity seemed to spread underneath her skin.

‘’Yes… I believe… I feel that something has… changed between us.’’ He folds his arms behind his back and breathes out in a huff as he attempts to strengthen his shields.

‘’I don’t really know what’s happening… but you look a bit spooked, Spock. You’re… you’re quite pale.’’ She says concerned and her hand reaches out to his face again, her thumb brushing over his cheekbone and he leans into the contact before he abruptly steps back.

‘’I must meditate on this. I-I wish to stay, however I…’’ he begins to stutter but she stops him.

‘’Go then, Spock. This... this must be quite overwhelming for you.’’ 

‘’Thank you, my Jim.’’ He murmurs and when he realises what he has said out loud for the second time now, he hears her breath hitch and he grimaces before turning and leaving her room.

*********************************

Free will…

How did he act with free will when he knew that they had a destiny that waited for them? Did it matter at all? That no matter what path or choice he made or took, ultimately it would lead him back to where he was always meant to be. With her.

He dimmed the lights in his quarters, removing his asenoi from the stand in the corner and placing it in front of him on the floor; he sank down and lit the incense. He did not change into his robes, the urgency to meditate all he could concentrate on. As he took the plunge into the depths of meditation, the landscape of Vulcan-that-was materializing around him, he tentatively approached his shields; they all shimmered as they shook with the force of his emotions, of what they held at bay.

He stood in front of the first in his path and lowered it. A glorious laugh erupted from him as he looked around the interior. Happiness surrounded him as bright, golden strands floated freely around him, each one grasping at him eagerly. He skimmed a finger against one thread which had wrapped itself around his hand and he identified it as the link he could potentially have with his unborn child. He wanted to know his child. He _would_ know his child.

He withdrew from the shield which housed his current emotions and with a look of longing and regret on his face, he gently removed the golden thread around his hand with a caress and it retreated back lazily.

He moved to the next shield, the light behind it an ominous cloud of decay slithering through the cracks, feelings of guilt and treachery lingered behind it and bravely he created a small doorway to step through. As he had predicted before entered, he suddenly felt crippled with guilt; he fell to his knees inside the landscape of his mind, gasping for breath as he reached out a hand in the darkness that had surrounded him. He was choking on it; the feelings he was receiving were intertwined with the link he had formed with Nyota.

The charred, blackened thread was broken. Irreparably. It fluttered uselessly in the gloom, blending in with environment, twitching as it coiled and circled him on the floor. He had no choice in the matter now. He had to terminate his relationship with Nyota. He would need to meld with her, to have access to her half of the link in order to absorb it, to eradicate it completely, to treat the damage within himself and within her. If broken bonds or links were left in such states, after too long, they became poisonous. A festering mass of sorrow, hate and greed could easily consume the mind, altering a personality beyond recognition. 

This could no longer continue. He fought through the shadows, the broken link seeming to scream silently in the void as he crawled to the doorway he had made. He turned, alarm coursing through him as something latched onto his ankle, trying to drag him back. It was relentless and cruel; biting into his skin and the pulsing obsession he could feel from it - oozed from the thread as he frantically untied it and he closed the shield with a slam.

He slumped down in the warm sands as he escaped, his breathing laboured, his heart clamouring in his side as he experienced and subsequently discarded the fear that he had felt, upon being caught in the broken links clutches. He carefully stood and stumbled over to a shield bathed in orange. The familial bonds with his father and clan members that had survived, whispered to him in reassurance. So many had perished with the fall of his planet and he had taken to seeing a healer to tend to the tragic loss.

The shield hummed, contentment vibrating through the layers and he placed a hand on it as he willed it into becoming semi-transparent and he sighed as he felt support, understanding and love radiate out from it. He solidified the shield and found himself grateful for it as he leaned against it.

A tremor shook his landscape, the sands of Vulcan rolling and blowing over his bare feet, warmth consumed him as he walked in the direction of the white light he saw over the sand dunes. Upon reaching the top he gasped as he saw an oasis he had never before seen in his mind, stretched out as far as the eye could see. Waterfalls raged against the rocks, surrounded by pools of warm water, lush green forests had started to appear from the dry, cracked rocks, pushing the sand to the sides and he sighed in bliss as he slipped his feet into the clear, temperate shallows.

_Jim…_

_T’hy’la…_

It would be so easy, to fall into this pool, to let it consume him, to give himself it. To submerge himself in the water and to let the gentle current take him where it wished. His fingers dipped in the clear blue liquid, ripples forming from his fingers. He followed the direction of the ripples as they travelled outwards, when in a swirl they were sucked down into the middle of the pool where it was at its deepest.

The light he had seen earlier pulsed from the depths and skittered on top of the surface , the waterfalls creating a mist in which the light shined and bounced through and suddenly he knew for certain, that if he went any further he would find Jim there. He would find the means to enter her mind and bind them to one another.

He waded further into the depths of the pool, the water lapping at his knees as he went ever deeper. The light calling to him, tempting him like a moth to a particularly bright flame. He reached down to touch –

‘’Spock? Ashaya?’’

He is thrown from his meditation violently as he feels a hand land on his shoulder.

‘’Nyota?’’ his voice is hoarse, his heart beat echoing like hollow beats on a drum and his eyes flick to her, widened and startled.

‘’You were so deep in your meditation... and … Spock, you were smiling. Is everything alright?’’ she asks him and he chooses to ignore her question as he tries to get his bearings. Being jarred from such a deep, intense meditative state would leave him disorientated for a while yet. He sluggishly moved over to the edge of his bed and sank down on the end, his hands coming up to his forehead in closed fists.

She makes her way over to him and although he can sense she is concerned, when she reaches out to touch him he flinches, feeling a phantom bite on his ankle. The experience was still too new, too raw to attempt a repeat quite so soon. She gasps as he flinches from her, her hand dropping to her side uselessly and instead she sits next to him, leaning forward to try and see his face.

‘’Nyota… our link…has broken.’’

‘’W-What? _No_ , I mean, you can fix it... we can... we can just form a new one right?’’ she hurriedly stands and takes to pacing in front of him, her hand at her mouth as she mutters to herself.

‘’Tell me you can fix this, Spock.’’

‘’I cannot.’’

‘’What do you mean you can’t? You formed the damn thing! You _made it_ , so why can’t you fix it?’’ she asks in outrage and his lips thin in anger at her lack of respect.

‘’Our link was not a – _a thing or an ‘it’_. Our link was a thread, a once beautiful, silken red thread which would have bound us together as bond-mates, as spouses. Through it we would have _shared our lives together_!’’ He snaps at her and her eyes widen.

‘’So you’re telling me that now that our link has gone and broken... what? You want to end things because of that?’’

‘’Yes. We are… incompatible.’’

‘’That’s ridiculous! We dated for _years_ before we formed this link. We can go back to that again. We can fix it, or heal it or get someone help us make a new link… _something_! Spock, you have no right to just decide this without even talking to me about it!’’

‘ _’I do not recognise who you are anymore_!’’ he says in the language of his people and she takes a step back in shock, her hand clutching at her throat as she sits awkwardly on a chair near his desk.

‘’I do not see the carefree woman I came to love, the woman who was once compassionate and kind. Your ultimatums, your threats... I could understand why you felt the need to ensure my distance from the Captain, however I cannot and will not ever understand why you wished to separate me from my child.’’

‘’Nyota… I do not recognise the person you currently are. I am to blame for the changes as well but I have come to the point where I can no longer ignore it.’’

‘’Our link is _festering_ Nyota and it will consume us slowly from the inside. We need to meld, to remove the link completely. As things have progressed this far, there can be no other logical choice… I deeply, deeply regret that we must end in this manner, however it is in both of our best interests to terminate our romantic affiliation to one another.’’

‘This is because of Kirk _isn’t it_?’’ she practically spits at him and he stands, picking up his asenoi, returning it to its pedestal before turning around and giving her one singular nod to answer her question.

He does not wish to lie anymore.

‘’She’s knocked up isn’t she? Great, _just great_ … so you think it’s okay for you to dump me and go live _happily ever after_ with her and your love child? Ha!’’ she snorts as she shakes her head back and forth in bitter and resentful amusement.

‘’Nyota, can you not see what our link has brought us? What we have _become_? Your irrational fears and insecurities have only succeeded in pushing me away, pushing me to the point of discovering the _potential_ between the Captain and I. But _only_ the potential. I have made _no plans_ to enter into a relationship with her, Nyota.’’

‘’You can’t do this to me! You can’t just discard me on the simple fact that you think we’re incompatible.’’ She stands her hands clenched tightly at her side. ‘’We can work through this! We can go see a healer…’’

‘’I must meld with you Nyota. The link must be removed.’’ He states again, needing her to understand that it was imperative that they dissolve the link as soon as possible if they did not want to be affected adversely.

She walks up to him calmly, her appearance immaculate save for the storm he saw surging behind her eyes. Her lips spread, a sneer forming and before he could stop her actions, she struck him across his cheek. The resounding slap echoed around his room and he felt a minor sting from her actions, but a much deeper, profound one within his heart.

_This is what they had come to then. Kaidith._

‘’Leave my quarters, Lieutenant.’’ He says softly and the hand that struck him shakes as she lifts it to cover her mouth. Her body is quaking with suppressed rage and he turns from her, his eyes focusing on the window to his left.

‘’Did you ever love me?’’ he hears her soft voice ask, the tremor in it not adequately disguising the tears that were falling.

‘’I did…’’

*************************************************************************

He is too troubled at present to return to meditation.

Although he regretted the outcome of his encounter with Nyota, part of him was extremely grateful that she had interrupted him when she had. If he had lingered a moment longer in that oasis, If his hand had but stretched down a little deeper, he would have completed his bond with Jim and he would have done so against her will.

Did he love Jim?

At this moment in time, he was hesitant to answer his own question. It had certainly not been love at first sight, or after the first year or the second... and yet in these past two months he had experienced more conflicting emotions than he had ever dealt with before. Spock sat behind his terminal, idly scrolling through the evenings reports that needed his attention. So much had happened today, so much so that he did not know how to process it all. He wanted to return to Jim’s quarters, to celebrate the news of their child together – perhaps over a game of chess or through conversation. A thought struck him as he once again thought about his Captain.

_Did she love him?_

He sighed as he came to the conclusion that _that_ was indeed the question of the century. Yes, he had established the fact that they were T’hy’la, but that did not necessarily mean that they were _predisposed_ to loving one another. His feelings – of what little he could currently identify correctly – had grown for Jim over a certain period of time. He knew that they would be sexually compatible, that she felt the same desire for his body as he felt for hers... but did she ever think about him in a romantic context?

 _Irrelevant_ – he thought in frustration. His ruminations seemed to run around in circles with no clear, definitive answers in sight. Speculating on whether or not they would grow to love one another purely because of a child was preposterous. He would therefore instead, take the time to grieve for his lost link with Nyota, to understand what it is was that he _wanted_ before he attempted any form of intimate relationship with Jim.

Now that she was going to bear him a child, he found himself eager and excited to discover how much she would change and how much he would change as well. Would his often mentioned quick-temper subside? Would he become lax in regards to certain rules and philosophy’s that he had steadfastly held on to when it came to how he viewed life in general?

It was a fascinating prospect to consider.

His stomach grumbled and he remembered that he had foregone his supper in favour of following his Captain back to her quarters. As he only possessed a basic replicator in his quarters, he retrieved a cup of tea –ignoring his hunger- and readied himself for sleep. He and Nyota had only slept in the same bed on the nights that they were intimate with one another – his hand rested briefly on the empty side, his fingers trailing over the soft bed sheets as he wondered what it would be like to have Jim with him each night for the rest of his life.

*******************************************************************

‘’Jim! Godammit! Stop jumping on my bed!’’

‘’I’m serious Kid, Stop! You’re gonna break it!’’

She jumped a few more times, her arms waving in the air excitedly as she continued to laugh, his bedframe creaking ominously each time she landed. She squealed when he came up to her and slung her over his shoulder, depositing her on the floor like a fat sack of potatoes on the other side of the room.

‘’Care to explain all this madness?’’ he grunts in question and she grins, her cheeks aching from how wide her smile was stretched.

‘’I’m pregnant!’’ she bounces again on the balls of her feet and whoops.

‘’Uh-huh. Pray tell how you came by this information? Last time I checked I was the doctor on this ship!’’

‘’Spock smelled me!’’ she whoops again as she does a happy dance around him, her hands waving in front of her as she moved to a beat only she could hear.

‘’Come again? Smelled you? Jesus H Christ… what have the two of you been up to now?’’

‘’No, seriously Bones. Old Spock told me that if I asked my Spock to smell me –properly, without any perfumes or anything on me that he would be able to tell. And he did. And I am. And we’re-‘’

‘’I get it, I get IT! STOP JUMPING ON MY BED!’’

Jim steps off his bed with a pout, her arms folding stubbornly across her chests as she glared at him.

‘’Aren’t you happy for me?’’

‘’If you are then, yeah I am. But until I run my own tests, I ain’t believing Spock’s abnormally large Vulcan nose when it comes to matters that are best left to medical science to determine!’’

Jims’ shoulders slump and she feels like he’s just kicked her puppy. She really just wanted to share this news with someone and celebrate … seeing as how Spock was unavailable to be there for it. She sighs sadly and walks to his door intending to leave if he was going to be a downer.

‘’Where the bloody hell do ya think you’re going?’’ she hears just before he picks her back up again and throws her back on his bed.

‘’Go on then, JUMP. Do what you need to do.’’ He grunts and his cheeks tinge pink as he looks at the floor.

‘’But you damn well better get me a bigger bed when you break this one!’’

Her smile is brilliant, her eyes fill with tears and she leans her head back as she laughs at him.

‘’Love you, Bones. You know that right? Thank you… for… well, everything.’’ She says with warmth and affection. He does not get the chance to respond before she begins to jump up and down again and deciding that if he can’t beat her he may as well join her. Instructing the computer to play some music, he stepped up on his bed with her, holding her hands as she continued to bounce like a jack in the box.

And when the bed did break, the two of them landing in an uncomfortable heap on the floor… well, he seemed alright with that.

************

 _Gods, I feel like a teenager at a slumber party_ _gone wrong_ she grumbled as she moved Bones’ foot off of her face. What the hell happened? Oh, yeah… _she was pregnant!_ She grinned stupidly in the darkness and did a little wiggle, the movement jostling the bed and she heard the tell-tale grunt from her best friend.

She wasn’t embarrassed that she had kept him up all night with _girl talk_ about her dreams, her wishes and what she wanted her kid to look like. He had listened to her, pulled disgusting faces whenever she mentioned Spock, laughed at her when she told him that one day she wanted _at least_ three more children and he had taken in all of her worries and fears about how she was going to do this if Spock wouldn’t help her.

She did feel bad about breaking his bed though, but she had plied him with enough alcohol to keep him happy. He had only griped for about an hour, so she counted herself lucky really. As to why they were in her bed, well – after he had drank enough to put himself in a mild stupor she had slung his arm over her shoulder and dragged him back to her quarters, his drunken ramblings of - _bloody elf babies—green blood-pointy-eared-menaces_ – amusing her to no end and she had thrown him unceremoniously onto her bed. He had passed out with a frown and she had climbed in next to him.

Waking up with his feet sticking in her face, was in fact when she realized that she could not ever remember, being this happy before.

She slipped out of bed quietly, seeing that it was still far too early to be getting Bones up and she tiptoed quietly to the bathroom, the doors shutting with a hiss that made her flinch with how loud it sounded compared to his snoring.

She brushed her teeth, slapped some cold water in her face and staring at the birds nest on top of her head, she brushed it until she could recognize it as hair again. She stayed a while in the bathroom and snorted as the situation hit again and again.

‘’I am pregnant.’’ She says to the mirror, stupid grin still in place and magnified in the reflective glass.

She says it again and again and a third time, until she’s worked herself up into such a ball of excitement that it feels like she might burst. She has this crazy urge to run into Spock’s room, to jump on his bed, crawl all over him and bounce until he got up. She wants to see what he looks like when he just wakes up in the morning. Were his eyes all puffy with sleep? Did the sandman visit him as well? Did his hair do that adorable thing and stayed curled if he fell asleep funny? Did he have morning breath?

She stood in front of the door to his quarters, bouncing on her toes as she debated with herself. What if she went in and found him in bed with Uhura. _Gods that would suck._ She didn’t want to see that. In fact, now she felt… nauseous. Her eyes hardened and she vetoed the entire idea.

The door opened and in stepped Spock.

She felt how her lips widened into a smile, how her cheeks heated, how her heart went bat-shit crazy at the sight of him and before she knew what she was doing she jumped on him.

****************************************************************

To say that he was extremely surprised and in shock - was an understatement.

He had awoken from his sleep not five minutes ago, having been brought out of sleep by what sounded like _demonic chanting_ coming from the bathroom and when he had opened the door to said room, within a split second of it opening - he had found himself with both arms- full with his excitable Captain.

So much skin. _So much._ He had not dressed before entering the bathroom and his chest was currently bare. Her shirt did a pitiful job of covering her and he felt the sharp bones of her shoulders, the lines of her collarbones and the swell of her breasts as she pushed into him. Her emotions were a force to be reckoned with so early in the morning cycle. The relief that assaulted his senses was strong enough to make his knees buckle and he was at a loss as to _why_ he would feel relief from her.

‘’Jim?’’

‘’Oh shit… ‘’ he heard somewhere near the region of his ear and when he looked down he pieced together the situation.

Her legs were wrapped around his waist, her hands clutching at the back of his shoulder where she clung - not dissimilar to the primates of earth as they did to trees - and her negligible weight was currently being held off the floor by his…. by his… _Surak_ … his hands were currently holding her posterior.

He seemed to lose the ability to speak after that realization, his nostrils flaring instead as he gave a small panicked huff of air directly into her face as she leaned back in his arms with comically widened and embarrassed eyes.

‘’I’m… just… gonna get off of you now.’’ She croaks and he can do nothing but bend down slightly at the knees as he lowers her to the floor, his hands rubbing provocatively over the globes of her posterior as she slides off of him. His Captains bare feet hit the floor and he swallows uncomfortably when he notices that she is only wearing a small set of men’s boxer shorts combined with her very white, very translucent Starfleet commissioned undershirt.

He decided that it was indeed, far too early in the morning for him to have to deal with this. He turned his back on her, willing away his body’s natural responses to seeing her in such a state of undress and breathed methodically out of his nose.

‘’I’m so sorry Spock! I just... I mean, I didn’t think, you surprise-... Are you okay?’’ she squeaks, her babbling becoming a high pitched noise that ricocheted off the bathroom tiles.

‘’I am… adequate.’’ He rasps.

He hears another squeak and the rustling of some material, the frantic motions making him curious enough to turn his head over his shoulder to glance at her from beneath his dark lashes.

She had taken to winding a towel over herself and he illogically felt the need to laugh. She was currently extremely endearing, hopping from one foot to the other, towel draped over head, and her hands clutching the corners together in the middle of her chest. He turned fully and regarded her with fondness as she bit her lip, her eyes roaming across the floor.

‘’You have arisen more early than usual.’’ He remarks and she nods.

‘’Bones was snoring.’’ She says before her eyes snap up to his alarm.

He is displeased by this news. Greatly so. In fact he would go so far as to say that _he did not like it._ At all.

‘’McCoy is in your quarters?’’

‘’Uh... in… in my bed actually...’’ she says, backing up against the wall, her body jerking from the walls as the coolness of the tiles hit her legs.

‘’In – In your bed.’’ He repeats monotonously and his chin dips down as he takes a step toward her.

‘’Mm, yeah?’’ she whispers and her knuckles turn white as she clutches tighter at her towel.

‘’Why is the doctor in your bed?’’ he hears himself ask and spares only a moment to regret asking the question, before his need for an answer wipes away the feeling.

‘’He got drunk?’’ she says and his eyes narrow.

‘’Would you care to clarify further?’’ he grits out. He is standing directly before her, his bare feet an inch away from her own squirming toes.

‘’He _did_ get drunk. I mean he _got_ drunk. And we broke his bed so –‘’

He growls.

‘’ _Why_ is the good doctor’s bed broken?’’

‘’Because... we... we jumped on it?’’

‘’Please refrain from stating your answer in the form of a question.’’ He snaps as his hands move to the wall on either side of her, forcing her chin to angle upwards as her neck strains to look up at him.

‘’We broke his bed because I was jumping on it.’’

‘’ _Why_?’’ he asks softly, his voice carrying across his irritation.

‘’Because… I’m pregnant.’’ She whispers into his neck and his entire body shudders at the feel of her heated breath on his skin.

His head dips down and he says with perfect enunciation into the soft shell of her ear.

‘ _’You will remove the doctor from your bed. Now._ ’’

‘’Mm-hmm.’’ Came her reply and he huffs in exasperation at her answer as he looks at her face, her moistened pink lips, the scattered freckles across her nose, the intensity of her eyes and the gentle thrum of their skin where it touched purred inside of his mind.

‘’Kid? Why the _hell_ am I in your bed?’’

Spock straightens from his looming position over her and sighs as the doctor walks into the bathroom. As the three of them stood within the small confines of the room, in various stages of undress he simply took one look at the doctor with a raised eyebrow and slight tilt of his lip in an approximation of a sneer - before the good doctor spoke.

‘ _’Fuck this shit_ ….’’ McCoy said as he took one look at them and then walked out. The door closed behind him with a swish and Spock followed suit. Before the doors closed behind him he took a moment to address the panicked human behind him.

‘’Captain… please do get dressed.’’

****************************************************************

The days seem to pass in a blur to Spock.

He had been preoccupied with the ongoing investigation into who had destroyed his lab samples, having interviewed all candidates- he found that he was no closer to determining the culprit responsible for it… or the reasons behind it.

Each day he would attend to his duties on the bridge, keeping a secretive eye on his Captain while he worked. Since he had terminated his relationship with Nyota a week ago, he had yet to see her. She had extended the duration of how long she would be off the bridge. He had also not informed Jim of the fact that he was now available. Each night he would meditate, checking the strength of his shield that was currently housing his broken link with Nyota and each night he breathed a sigh of relief when he found it secure and undamaged.

Finding himself with more free time at night than he was used to since the start of this five year mission, he regularly found himself in the company of his Captain each night and much to his irritation, the doctor was also there in the guise of a chaperone. Jim had taken extensive tests to determine her pregnancy and had spent two-point-four hours regaling him of tales of her torture at the hands of the doctor. She was indeed pregnant, this he of course _knew_ from the moment he had concentrated on smelling his Captain’s wrist. Now however, that the doctor himself had confirmed it, he had taken to shadowing her every move.

It was rare that he found her alone and when he did it was usually first thing in the morning when they had both awoken. The two of them had become… _domesticated_ , to a certain degree, standing side by side in the bathroom in the mornings as they brushed their teeth, both foaming at the mouth as they glanced at one another in mutual fascination. His breakfasts, lunches and suppers were eaten in her company- his shifts spent standing at her side or answering her questions when boredom overcame her.

He had started to converse with his father more frequently as well, informing him and keeping him updated on the progress of the pregnancy and he was pleased to note that his life had taken on a new meaning since the discovery of her pregnancy. He genuinely did not mind in the slightest that his life suddenly revolved around her… and the child.

‘’Captain, we are due to orbit an M-class planet known as ZetaOne. The environment is suitable for humanoids.’’ Spock informs her conversationally one morning and she gives a cheer as she promptly bursts up from her chair and makes her way to the lift.

‘’Captain?’’ his concern for her safety suddenly blaring to life at her hasty movements.

‘’We’re going down Spock!’’

‘’I beg your pardon?’’

‘’Come on, you, me and Bones and some of your science guys. We’ll go down, have a walk about and then come back up. I haven’t left this ship since I got kidnapped. I’m going stir-crazy.’’ She says when he joins her in the lift. He has the presence of mind to instruct Sulu to take the conn. and the doors close.

‘’Captain, I must protest –‘’

‘’Of course...’’

‘’You are with child. We do not know if the planet –‘’

‘’Spock, I’m going down. End of story. I’m pregnant, not stupid.’’

‘’I did not state anything of the sort. I simply meant to warn you about the dangers of beaming down onto a planet that we have never before set foot upon. There could be predators or toxins in the atmosphere that could adversely affect the child.’’

‘’Relax Spock, nothing is going to happen. The ‘child’ is fine; the ‘child’ will be safe. Women have been pregnant since time began… I don’t see why this is such a big deal.’’

‘’Because Jim, it is _my_ child. It is my child that you are potentially placing in danger. You are only three weeks into your pregnancy. You must take care.’’ He says with a touch of desperation.

‘’You know, that’s the first time that you’ve said that to me. That it’s _your_ child. Usually it’s just THE child.’’ She grumbles… ‘’ I was beginning to think that it would just be MY child forever.’’

‘’I- ‘’ he closes his mouth as he thinks upon her words.

‘’Allow me to make this abundantly clear for you so that you do not question my intentions again. Jim, I will be aiding in the rearing of our child. I will _be there_.’’ He says determinedly and she laughs happily before she stands on her tiptoes and gives him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

‘’I knew you would be, but I just wanted to hear you say it.’’

Spock’s hand comes up the place where she had kissed him and his mouth goes unnaturally dry - she was forever toying with his emotions. He despises how flustered he gets with just a touch or a look from her.

The doors open and she heads to the transporter room, using the intercom to speak to Giotto and McCoy. She takes the time to strap a phaser to her waist and when he questions the exaggerated sigh she makes, she explains that she would have liked to have gone down to the planet wearing a pair of pants instead of her command gold dress. He watches her shrug in resignation.

When the doctor and two security crew members join them, she motions for the ensign at the control to beam them down.

‘’Energise.’’

*************

The planet is not beautiful. It is warm, yes, comfortably so for humanoids. The landscape is a mixture of vast cliffs, wide craggy canyons. Weeds and various vegetation, grows out from beneath the rocks and he is intrigued by the colors of the flowers. He eagerly scans the plant life, his tricorder whirring as it works to code and catalogue all the incoming data.

He keeps Jim in his line of sight, observing how she jumps from rock to rock, her ill-suited dress floating around her thighs in mid-air and he quickly averts his eyes as he catches glimpse upon glimpse of her creamy skin. He has resolved to proceed slowly with their relationship. He reminds himself of this for the _three hundredth and twenty fifth time_ as he turns the dials on his tricorder. He will not rush this.

He hears her laugh at something the doctor says and he watches the man walk away with his hands in the air. Jim continues to laugh and he is awed once again by how extraordinarily beautiful she is.The graceful arch of her neck as she leans her head back to laugh, her windswept hair swaying gently in the breeze the planet provides, around the sensual planes of her face. The blue of her eyes so eerily similar to the shade of water in the oasis of his mind, he felt himself almost drowning in their depths as they gazed at one another.

_She is exquisite._

***********************************************************************

Jim yells as the earth beneath her feet begins to shake. Her body sways from side to side as she tries to stay upright, everything is rattling around her. She sees Spock ten meters or so away from her and she nods when he reaches for his communicator. She looks to the rest of her crew, making sure of their safety and she’s relieved when she sees them all struggling to keep standing … wait, _where’s Bones_ , she thinks in a panic and looking around she sees him dangerously close to one of the cliff’s edges. His head tilts up to look at her and she stumbles forwards towards him– he screams at her when the land beneath his feet starts to crumble and give way. He holds out his hand to stop her from coming but she ignores him.

She runs, her lungs burning. Her vision clouded by the dust she’s kicking up along with the earthquake that is destroying the cliffs edge. Bones yells at her again when she gets closer to him and she screams in fear when he suddenly falls.

_In that split second – all she was capable of doing – was saving her best friend._

She jumps for him, her body - her stomach hitting- the ground _hard_ as she slides towards him and grabs onto his wrist as he goes over the edge. Her shoulder pops, it’s been dislocated and the shrill scream she gives- echoes around the canyons.

‘’Let go of me, Kid!’’ he yells at her and she leans her other arm down to get a better grip on him.

‘’Get up here, now Bones!’’ she yells back and even above all the cracks and thunderous sounds of the earth splitting apart – she still manages to hear him grumble.

She starts to pull when he makes a grab from her arms and she momentarily blacks out as her injured shoulder gets damaged further. She doesn’t have to wait long before she feels the familiar press of Spocks’ body, lying half on top of her and he reaches down, grabs Bones around his bicep and without further ado he hauls him up with one indrawn breath. She continues to lie on her stomach while she gasps for air.

Bones is crawling on his hands and knees away from the cliff’s edge and he looks as pale as the whitest moon as he turns back to check on her. Spock picks her up beneath her knees, her one working arm going around his neck. He continues to shout into his communicator and not a moment too soon, they are beamed back aboard the enterprise.

*****************

‘’Never again.’’ She hears Bones curse as he trips down the steps of the transporter, hitting the medical alert switch near the intercom. He turns back to her and she feels helpless when a few tears trail down her cheeks. She is so, so happy that he’s alive. Spock growls at her when she moves in his arms and she looks up at his face. His eyes are closed and he is breathing hard enough for her to be concerned.

‘’Spock…?’’ she asks and he sets her down on the floor, his hands shaking as he grips her shoulders.

‘’I-I do not wish to ever repeat that experience. Hence forth… I do not t-think I will ever allow you out of my sight again. You are to remain within three feet from me at all times.’’ He says robotically and she puts her hand on his face, pulling his chin down to kiss him on the forehead.

‘My hero.’’ She whispers jokingly and his hands around her tighten.

‘’Jim… darlin’… I need to get you to sickbay.’’ The urgency in Bones’ voice makes her turn from Spock in surprise.

‘’Jim… you’re… you’re bleeding darlin’…’’

Jim follows his gaze and is disturbed see blood running precariously down her thigh from beneath her dress, into the top of her right boot.

_No!…_

_Please…_

_._

.

.

‘’Spock… Spock…’’ she whispers as she stares at him. She knows, but the look in his eyes confirms it.

_Loss…_

_Sorrow…_

_Guilt…_

‘’Oh…’’ she whispers softly.


	19. Chapter 19

_Silence._

It was a stifling presence at her bedside – a physical being - looming over her. She blinked…once-twice-three times before opening up her eyes, the world materializing around her in a haze. It wasn’t real. It didn’t feel real.

Fragments of her memories came back to her, snippets, scenes and muffled voices. Spock had scooped her up again, rushing to sickbay, his hold on her so tight she had struggled to breathe. Bones’ voice had been roaring from behind her to everyone in the vicinity ‘ _to move the hell out of the way’_. His communicator had been open and she vaguely remembered the words ‘prep _a damn operating theatre’_ being hollered before she had been deposited gently on a bed.

A nurse who she can’t remember the face of, had stripped her of her clothing, wiped her down and as she had stared blankly off into the distance, she had been hypoed over and over again. There had been a brief struggle in the corner of the room, Spock’s and Bones’ voice rising and falling, muffled yet undeniably angry words being said before Spock had left the room.

She had been asked to lie down on the table and with a final hiss to her neck, she had drifted away completely.

Now that her eyes were open again she forced herself to become aware of her surroundings, terrified to look around, to look down to her stomach, the morbid thought of if she dared to actually look down she would see her baby... lifeless and cold staring back at her.

Over the past year, whenever she had thought of children, she had naturally never thought she would find herself in a position like this. She had envisioned her pregnancy through rose tinted glasses. She would have had flushed cheeks, a swelling belly and derived enjoyment from complaining about her back aches and swollen ankles, but overall she had pictured herself as unbelievably happy.

She had done her duty. Not just as a Captain protecting her crew, but also to her best friend who needed her. She could not say that she would never place herself or her unborn child in danger again because in her line of work, danger knocked on every door, coming in through windows instead if you didn’t open them.

Her eyes dropped from the ceiling, slowly travelling down the wall before scanning the room. The chair beside her was empty, the lights in the room down to ten percent, the sterile environment making her nose twitch as she breathed in the familiar smells. Her gaze travelled to her right, her heart monitor on display – the dials moving up and down in accordance with the erratic pace of heartbeat.

Jim found her breath stilling inside her lungs as she saw another life sign beneath hers and shuffling over in the bed, she pushed herself up slowly into a sitting position, her arm stretching out and she clumsily fiddled with settings which controlled the sound…and there it was.

_Hummingbird wings._

Sounds so fast she could barely comprehend what it was that she was really listening to filled the room around her and suddenly she wasn’t alone anymore. Her baby was alive… _barely_. It was stressed, the monitor producing readouts of words like oxygen levels, amniotic fluid reductions, murmurs… her eyes blurred as she continued to read and leaning back against the wall she covered her face with her hands.

Where was Spock? Why wasn’t he here? She… she needed him to be here.

Spock…

Spock…

She sobbed, her heart aching from equal parts relief and guilt as the sounds of her child’s heart competed with her own. Her chest ached, her ribs straining from how hard she fought to not make a sound. Her face was wet behind her hands, her eyes burning from how tightly she clenched them shut and as she slowly regained control of herself, she let the last few hiccups of her tears was through her.

A hiss sounded from her right and dropping her hands, she blearily opened her eyes and rubbed frantically at her face with the back of her hand. She sat forward slowly, her knees pulling up to her chest, a twinge in her stomach reminding her to be careful – that she must have had surgery- for what she didn’t know, but she knew Bones would have done something.

She watched Spock step into the doorway and Jim hastily bit her lip as she drank in the sight of him. She felt fresh tears pool into her eyes and she hiccupped as she fought to breathe normally. He leaned against the wall between the doors, his arms crossed, his head bent serenely down to the floor as he cocked his ear marginally to the side.

‘’What are you doing?’’ she whispered, her tears still clogging her throat, her voice hoarse and frail.

‘’I am listening.’’

‘’To?’’

‘’The sound of your heartbeat.’’

‘’Oh.’’

‘’And to the sound of our child’s heartbeat.’’

‘’Oh…’’ she sniffs and rubs at her cheeks again with her hands, the tears that had fallen had trailed down beneath her chin, the sensation itching at her skin.

Spock walked quietly over to her bed, sinking down gracefully into the chair beside her and she lowered her legs, her hands folding in her lap. She couldn’t meet his eyes; she didn’t want to see what kinds of emotions would be showing there. Once, she would have given _anything_ to get a glimpse of what he was feeling but now the thought he might hate her churned at her stomach.

‘’Do you hate me?’’ she asks quietly and he leans back in the chair with a sigh.

‘’Negative.’’

‘’Do you want to hate me?’’

‘’Unclear.’’

‘’I can’t apologise for this, Spock.’’ She blows out a breath as tears once again navigate their way down her face.

‘’I am aware.’’

She feels his eyes on her, roaming, weaving over her features. Time passes and they simply sit and listen to the sounds being produced by their three week old child.

‘’The heart is a peculiar thing…’’ he states as he leans towards her, his hands clenching and unclenching on his knee, ‘’I have listened to the varying beats of your heart each time you have been injured or unconscious. I have sat beside you as you fought for life _and_ whilst you have recovered. Each time this has happened, I would find myself concerned for your well-being… concerned, yes, but not until recently have I felt that my own heart would cease to beat, if yours did not continue.’’

‘’Sp-‘’

‘’I cannot deny that I wish to feel anger towards you, to assign blame to you for your careless actions, to release my frustrations upon you for taking liberties with not only your life, but with my child’s as well.’’

‘’Spock…’’ she whispers, his words biting into her, crushing her from the inside out.

‘’And yet… I cannot do any of the things I have stated. I am simply… relieved. Relieved that you are alive. Humbled, that you would give up so much of your happiness, even your own life, for someone else to keep theirs.’’

He stands up slowly and comes to sit on the bed, his long elegant fingers encircling her wrist as he pulls her hand into his lap.

‘’Jim… I do not hate you. I do not think I am even capable of, it in regards to you.’’

‘’This could happen again…’’ she breathes and he nods his head.

‘’While the loss of such a young life - or any life - is a tragedy… Jim, I would rather have you alive. I would choose for _you_ to be the one to be saved. You are irreplaceable. There is no other choice to be made.’’ He says quietly, his eyes filled with warmth and concern as he lifts her chin to look at him.

‘’You are still with child, with my child, but if there is ever a situation where you need to choose… I would greatly appreciate it… if you would choose yourself.’’

‘’I can’t do tha-‘’

‘’You can and you must.’’ He says as he wipes a tear from her chin with his thumb, the bead rolling down lines of his palm.

‘’If... I lose this baby…’’ she huffs as she leans her head forward onto his chest and he strokes the back of her head in soothing motions.

‘’Do not speak of it. It is something I do not wish to contemplate.’’ He breathes into her hair as he places a soft kiss on top of her head.

She draws back to give him a watery smile, unendingly grateful for his forgiveness, for his acceptance, for his understanding for the choice that she had to make. She feels her eyes widen as he brings her arm up to his face, his nose once again skimming her wrist as he inhales deeply. A purr escapes him and a small laugh escapes her in return.

‘’I’m surprised you can smell anything over all the medicinal scents in here.’’ She says and he exhales out his warm breath over her wrist, the sensations and emotions being passed between them, making her smile as she feels his affection for her.

‘’It is not so difficult when one knows what to look for.’’ He says with a touch of amusement, a blush rising to his cheeks as he realises how forward he is being by touching her so casually.

‘’Spock, what happened?’’ she asks and while he drops her arm back to the bed, holding onto her wrist once more, he leans back so that he can get a better view of her.

‘’The planet experienced exceptional seismic activity which our scans did not detect prior to our arrival. We have catalogued the planet accordingly and future landing parties should now be aware that they should proceed with caution.’’

‘’Is Bones okay?’’

She watches him go through great pains to not roll his eyes and she can’t help feeling a flutter in her chest as he scowls at her.

_Adorable…_

‘’Doctor McCoy is his usual self.’’

‘’Don’t be angry with Bones…’’ she pouts and he raises an eyebrow.

‘’If the good doctor had not placed himself so close to the cliff’s edge, we would not currently be in this predicament.’’ He rumbles and she sighs.

‘’It’s not his fault either... you do know that don’t you? Without him I would have lost our baby, Spock.’’

‘’I am aware of this Jim, however I am displeased with the doctor even though I have no logical reason to be.’’ He grudgingly admits with a small shrug of his shoulders and Jim is touched that he is willing to display who he really is in front of her.

She leans towards him, the impulse too strong to contain, the urge to kiss this wonderful man burning inside of her and she grabs him by the arm and pulls him down as she pushes forward.

His gasp of surprise is loud in the room as she presses her lips to his, the soft skin rubbing against hers like silk as she lingers on the swell of his bottom one. It is a chaste kiss, sweet, tentative and no more than a slight pressure and a shared breath as they both inhale and pull apart.

‘’J-Jim?’’ she hears him stutter and she sits back against the wall so fast she slams the back of her head against it.

‘’ _Ouch_... oh, god… what’s wrong with me?’’ she moans in embarrassment and her hands cover her face.

‘’I’m so sorry Spock... I … didn’t mean to, I mean I wanted to, but I didn’t mea- _arrghh_!’’

‘’I-I do not think you will ever c-cease to me amaze me.’’ He hiccups and immediately stands away from the bed and from her. His cheeks are flushed and he turns his back on her, folding his one arm behind him as he touches his lips with the other.

‘’I’m so-‘’ Jim starts to utter again but he shakes his head and she falls silent.

‘’It…it was not unwelcome.’’

‘’What wasn’t unwelcome, eh?’’ she hears the voice of her best friend and she imagines putting her size six shoe somewhere even that Georgian sunshine of his wouldn’t be able to reach.

‘ _’Nothing you need to be concerned about_.’’

‘ _’It is none of your business, Doctor_.’’ They say at the same time and Bones curses and looks between the two of them, before a light seems to click on behind his eyes.

‘’Jim, goddammit! Do ya think you can leave the hanky-panky for later? And you! Good god man! Didn’t I tell you to leave my sickbay?’’

‘’McCoy-‘’

‘’Bones!’’

‘’I don’t wanna hear it. Now sit down hobgoblin. I’ve got some news you both gotta hear, so we all know where we stand.’’

Jim swats frantically at Bones’ hand when he turns to her monitors, trying to silence the sound of her child’s heartbeat and he smacks her back with a warning to behave herself.

‘’I can’t think straight with all the elf’s buzzing in the background.’’ He grumbles but he simply lowers the volume and sits on the edge of her bed while Spock makes his way back to the chair.

‘’So… it wasn’t the fall that did it. The elf inside of you is too small to be affected from something like that.’’ Jim frowns and looks over to Spock who is nodding in agreement, as if though he knew this already. She’s tempted to roll her eyes at him…

‘’Okay, so if it wasn’t me the kissing ground that did it, what did?’’

‘’Now see, here’s the funny thing. A month ago, you were as healthy as a horse-

‘’The Captain is not in any way similar to an equine-‘’

‘’Shut it Spock.’’

‘’As I was sayin’… for some reason your tests have come back showing weakening of the muscles, deterioration of some of your bodies systems and functions. I cannot for the life of me find anything in your blood work that would show what’s doing this to you.’’

‘’So basically my body is rejecting the baby?’’ she asks as her stomach plummets with fear.

‘’No, not exactly...it’s like it’s rejecting _itself,_ more like. I’m combatting it with all the medical-know-how that I have. You had a small tear in your womb, I had to open you up laparoscopically and repair it – your kid is running on half the amniotic fluid it should be on, but we’ll keep our eyes on that for now. The elf also has a slight murmur but I reckon that’s just due to being so small and experiencing all that stress, it should settle down in time.’’

‘’I haven’t been feeling any weaker… I haven’t shown any abnormal symptoms apart from a head ache or two…’’

‘’Yeah, but until I can identify what it is that’s _making you_ ill or _keeping you ill_ I want to keep you on light duty. I want you to come in every three days for check-ups, okay? Mister Spock, will you see to it that she comes?’’ he grunts in question and Spock nods at him before turning a look on Jim that _dared_ her to say anything.

‘’Is there anything I can do in the meantime? You know, like eat or drink?’’

‘’Exercise is definitely out of the question – your shoulder was popped back in when we operated, it will be tender for a while so no heavy lifting. Also, this is going to be a sensitive pregnancy, I can tell. As for foods and drink, keep going as ya are until I say otherwise. Got it?’’

‘’Yeah…thanks, Bones.’’ She says quietly and she is surprised when he shuffles closer and pulls her into a hug before rumbling his own thanks for saving his life. She notices his lips shape into a smirk and before she can question what’s so funny he places a soppy, sodden kiss on her cheek and the hissing snarl she hears from Spock makes her insides quiver as goose bumps break out on her skin.

‘’This aint _ever_ gonna get old!’’ he chuckles before he gets up and walks to the door. ‘’You’re staying in here for the next three days. See you later, Spock!’’

She clears her throat awkwardly and looks over to her Vulcan who is sitting stoically in his chair, eyes trained on the floor.

‘’So… that’s gonna be a thing then is it?’’ she asks and he opens his mouth, closes it and gives her a nod instead.

‘’It would appear so.’’ He says through clenched teeth and she wisely decides to leave the matter untouched for now.

If they sit in silence for the rest of the night, she doesn’t complain, because for now it is enough that he is with her. At her side where he belongs.

**********************

On the second night of her confinement, she propped up her pillows against the wall and multi-tasking by signing reports and researching statistics of cross-species pregnancies, she was startled out of her musings when she heard someone clear their throat and even more shocked when she identified who was standing in the doorway. Sending off a quick prayer for patience and strength she gave her communications officer a tentative smile and waved her in.

‘’These are for you.’’ Uhura says as she removes her hand from behind her back and comes out with a wad of flowers, badly wrapped in tissue paper.

‘’Ah, um... thank you. Really… but I’m… allergic to the pollen in daisies.’’ She stutters awkwardly and Uhura pulls back her outstretched hand.

‘’Well…’’

‘’Sorry.’’

Uhura walks to the other side of the room, the flowers clutched in her hand at her side as she peers at all the monitors.

‘’I’m sorry to hear about the baby.’’ Uhura says and for a moment Jim is confused before she remembers how she had made a spectacle of herself by being carried to sickbay. It was quite possible that the entire ship knew about her being pregnant now.

‘’The baby is fine.’’ Jim says as her brows furrow, placing the PADD down on the bed and folding her arms. She sneezes once and makes a grab for a box of tissues on her bedside table.

‘’Pardon?’’

‘’I thought I had lost it, but Bones managed to save him. Or her. I don’t know which yet…’’

‘’I-I see. I had thought - what with all the blood that was cleaned up on the transported pad -that you had miscarried.’’

Jim flinches at the word ‘miscarried’ and she grimaces as she remembers how her soul had shrivelled at seeing her blood drip down her leg.

‘’Did... did Spock not tell you?’’ she questions and Nyota gives out a scornful bark of laughter.

‘’Did Spock not tell _you_ that he dumped _me_?’’

‘’N-no, he didn’t tell me… uh, when… when did this happen?’’ she asks around a huge lump of guilt in her throat.

‘’Does it matter? He says our links broken… you know, the one that would have allowed us to get married… before’ – she waves her hand around the room ‘’this…’’

‘’Uhura…’’

‘’I’m not giving up on him, Kirk. I don’t know if you love him and even if you do… he is mine. He is… was… my fiancée and he will be again. We’re going to New Vulcan right? When we get there, we’ll see a healer and get this whole mess sorted out.’’

‘’I see.’’ Jim says in shock, ignoring the stab of hurt she suddenly feels in heart at the thought of Spock actually marrying Nyota and not… she sighs and lifts her eyes from the bedsheets to follow Uhura as she walks back to the door.

‘’Oh, also I wanted to check on the procedure for transfers. After your kid is born, Spock agreed that we should leave the ship. The Farragut has been rebuilt since the attack from Nero, so I’m sure we’ll both get postings there. If I send you over our papers, could you make them a priority? Thanks!’’

As the woman leaves, Jim clambers off her bed, her mind screaming at the thought of Spock leaving her.

_He was leaving the ship?_

_They broke up?_

_No, wait… they were broken up but getting back together?_

_He… Spock… her Spock… was leaving her after the baby was born?_

_Fine..._

_Fanfuckingtastic..._

_Let him._

_She would have her baby._

_She didn’t need him._

_No matter how much she wanted him._

*************************************************************************************

‘’Thank you all for meeting with me. I’m sorry to have pulled you all from your busy day, but I have a _need_ to address a few rumours that are circling this ship.’’

‘’If you are not aware by now – yes, I am pregnant.’’ Spock hears her say and a slight flutter of his abdominal muscles make him twitch when she says the words. A few of the crew who had not been aware of this previously - gasped and offered congratulations. As the rest of the table chimed in with their own congratulations, he kept a wary on Lieutenant Uhura as she stayed quiet.

‘’Approximately five days ago, when we were orbiting ZetaOne, due to unforeseen circumstance I was rushed in to surgery after experiencing difficulty with my pregnancy. I am now on light duty until further notice. I appreciate that this isn’t what you signed up for and if you have any concerns about my command or how I operate this ship, please do feel free to schedule an appointment with me.’’

Spock frowns internally as he continues to listen to her talk, the self-deprecating jokes, the slight undertone of insecurity, the fear of losing her ship and the anger she radiates whenever her eyes land on him. He does not understand why she is behaving this way.

She had kissed him. She had stolen his breath and in doing so, had cast away any and all questions that had been plaguing him in regards to her feelings for him. She obviously had the capacity to care for him more deeply than a friend, more deeply than a sexual partner and so, now he was absolutely flummoxed by her distant, passive-aggressive behaviour.

‘’My child will hopefully be raised on board ship when the time comes and god willing - it will all out work out. I have yet to inform the admiralty as I thought I should discuss this with the people that matter to me most first.’’ She states again and she receives a few whoops and ‘awws’ from around the table.

Nyota stays quiet.

‘’Depending on how my talk with Admiral Pike and Komack goes today, nothing should change apart from the fact that I’ll be absent on most planetside expeditions and that Mister Spock will be commanding more often than not to compensate for when I am unable to do so.’’ She says and he silently begs her with his eyes to look at him – his wish his granted- but the coldness of her stare, the slight shimmer of betrayal he sees, turns him to stone.

‘’Uh, Captain... the father – ‘’

‘’We’ll table that discussion for later, Sulu. Alright everyone, back to work and remember if you have concerns come and find me. Dismissed.’’ She says and she stands gingerly from her seat, a hand resting on her stomach as she takes in a few more slaps of congratulations on her back, a hug here and there.

Spock is torn between disappointment that she did not state that he was the father to feeling illogically _jealous_ that everyone seemed to think it was acceptable to lay their hands on his captain. He swallowed down his natural impulse to growl and snarl and instead bit down on the side of his tongue, shivering when he tastes his coppery blood.

She left the room before he could stop her and his mouth fell open at how blatantly obvious she was making it that she did not want to be in his presence.

He bristles when he hears her laugh.

*********************

He has not been able to spend one moment alone in her presence since that day. It aggravates him to the point where he has found himself displaying unusual characteristics and symptoms of what human’s call ‘sulking’… or moping. He sighs as he settles into his bed for the night, beating his pillow into a more comfortable shape and he folds his arms pissily across his bare chest.

Three weeks! Three weeks, two days and five hours is how long he has been trying to catch her attention by inserting himself into conversations where his input isn’t needed, speaking when not spoken to, giving into his urges to stare at her with longing, hovering behind her chair on the bridge, hoping she’ll call him over as she usually did but nothing seemed to work. The two of them had reverted back to how it had been between them before he had picked up those files she had dropped in the corridor.

He was aching for her voice – the voice she used when they were in private- the one where she would speak to him in breathy, light tones. Where he could hear how happy she was just to speak to him, as if though it always came as a surprise to her that he was with her. He closed his eyes in resignation as he realised he has been following around after her in a similar way to how a canine which had been kicked and was lost was prone to do.

He was- he found- extremely jealous as well.

He swallowed uncomfortably and rolled over onto his side. The burning need to put himself in front of her whenever anything even remotely resembling a being with a penis came within five feet of her was overwhelming him. Whenever she placed her hand on Sulu’s shoulder, or ruffled the young navigator’s hair or irritatingly draped herself over McCoy during a discussion and once Scotty had dared to kiss her on the cheek when she had granted him permission for his latest scheme. He had subsequently nearly bitten off his tongue in response.

Not since Khan has he felt such a need to dismember people.

He missed her touch, the kisses she had taken to placing on his cheek and forehead, the comforting grip of her hand on his bicep. The shy smiles she would bestow upon him whenever he revealed his emotions, her laugh when he attempted to ‘joke’ with her.

He stared with longing at the bathroom door– illogically hopeful that she would walk through them and forgive him for _whatever reason_ she was avoiding him for now. He grunted into his pillow as he remembered the soft press of her lips, the shape, the feel and how he wished he could turn back time in order to taste as well. He had been so startled by it that he had panicked and retreated to a safe distance.

He slipped out bed, throwing the covers off before removing a jersey from his cupboard. Dressed, he walked through the bathroom and requested permission to enter her quarters… he knew it was late into the night cycle but he felt compelled to see her and make things right. Restore his life and his tumultuous emotions to their proper state.

‘’Mister Spock… what can I do you for?’’ she says robotically as the doors open.

‘’I wish to know why you are avoiding me.’’ He states and enters the room before she can tell him to remove himself.

‘’I don’t want to argue with you, that’s why.’’ She hisses and she keeps her back to him as she walks over to her desk. The boxer shorts and the black undershirt she is wearing making him pause mid-speech as he takes in her curvy posterior and the sleek lines of her back and waist, the way her hair swirls over her bare shoulders. He shakes his head to stave off improper thoughts and concentrates on her body language instead.

_Defensiveness. Stubbornness. Anger._

‘’I fail to see how I have angered you so. If you would simply speak to me, we could resolve our issues as adults and not as children.’’ He says as he walks past her to sink into the chair at her desk. He watches her stiffen as he places himself in close proximity to her. When she moves away from him, he snatches at her wrist and holds her in place.

‘’Jim…’’

‘’Spock, are you leaving the ship?’’ she whispers, her eyes close as she bites on her lip in frustration.

‘’H-How did you come by this information?’’ he chokes out and he realises it was the wrong thing to say as her eyes take on a furious, irate edge to them.

‘’So it’s true. You didn’t…. all that talk about how it’s _our_ child and that you’re not going anywhere – God, I’m such an _idiot_!’’ She shakes her head ruefully and he scowls in response.

‘’I am not leaving this ship. I am not leaving _you_.’’ He stands quickly to grab her other wrist, holding them up to his chest as she struggles to get free.

‘’Liar. You know… I really thought we had something… lately, you and I have been c-close and –‘’

‘’Jim. I am not leaving you.’’ He states again and she lifts her head to look up at him.

‘’You told Uhura that you would leave with her after the baby is born...’’ she mumbles and his heart clenches in his side.

‘’That … that was before you conceived, Jim. Before my link with Uhura weakened and broke, before I…’’ he sighs as he drops one wrist. He wraps his arm around her waist and draws her closer to him.

‘’Before?’’ she whispers and he makes a decision that he hopes he will not come to regret.

He has no words to adequately explain all his feelings, there is no conceivable way - other than this- to get her to _understand_ just how much she has come to mean to him, how much he feels _for_ her.

He places his hand on her psi-points and waits for her permission; he is overjoyed when she gives it.

Love… was a word that could not be expressed by mere utterings of sound.

It had to be shown.

*************************************************************

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go... '*throws fluffy, schmoopy lovey-dovey chapter at you* There is no plot or storyline in this one. I just felt like i was taking my story too seriously.
> 
> Also i wrote this chapter by listening to ''Obstacles by Syd Matters'' on repeat for about five hours straight.

‘’My mind to your mind…’’

 _My thoughts to your thoughts_ she hears inside her mind and her vision whites out as she is pulled into his mind.   

She is instantly engulfed in sweltering heat that makes beads of sweat appear on her forehead, her eyes squint in the sharp sunlight, the two suns overhead beating down on her with their rays. She looks down to the floor, the sands of Vulcan at her bare feet and she squidges her toes in between the grains. Instead of the burning sensation she expects, it is instead warmth and safety that seeps into her skin and she digs her feet in deeper.

She giggles when she takes in her appearance. She was wearing long but thin-woven light blue robes, the fabric reaching her ankles and ending with a white embroidered hem with words she could not understand, elegantly stitched into the material. She laughs as a light breeze swirls past her and the robes flutter around her legs and she sticks a hand over her eyes when she sees a figure approaching from the distance.

‘’Jim.’’

Her smile is radiant when he approaches her and she stares open mouthed as she takes in his own robes. He was encased in white, a hood draped half way over his head, blue embroidery on his sleeves and on the hems of his robes. Spock’s arms were hidden behind his back and the answering smile he gave in return kick-started her heart into overdrive.

‘’Spock! This… is unexpected.’’ She grins as she gestures towards the land around him completely forgetting that mere hours ago she wanted nothing to do with him.

‘’I had presumed that you had seen this all before… when you were inside the mind of my counterpart.’’ He says sulkily and it’s the first time she’s ever seen him pout. She absolutely loves it.

‘’No, his mindscape was always the interior of the Enterprise.’’

‘’Ah.’’

He reaches out his hand palm turned up and she blushes to her roots when he quirks an eyebrow at her hesitation. She knows what it means to hold hands with him, to even touch his hands and as he continues to wait for her - she gives in and slips her tiny hand into his own. As his fingers interlock with hers - their palms pressed together – her eyes briefly roll back into her head at the thrill she feels tingling up and down her spine, exploding in her brain as he gives her hand a squeeze.

‘’Holy shit.’’ She breathes when she looks up at him with wonder and he smirks in amusement.

‘’Our feelings are amplified here. It will unfortunately not produce the same response when we leave the meld.’’

Jim grumbles at that and he snickers in response at the look of disappointment on her face. Pulling back on his arm he pulls her towards him and she squeaks at the sudden movement. She is sheltered so close to his chest and when she tilts her head back to look up at him, his hood falls back and his face is exposed to her. Seeing so many expressions, so many nuances of emotion etched into each curve and crease of his face makes her breath catch and he cocks his head to the side.

‘’You are surprised by all my emotions.’’ She nods at him and he sighs. ‘’ If I cannot be myself here, inside my own mind, where can I be?’’

‘’With me. Always with me, Spock.’’ She whispers into his chest and she feels a swell of appreciation through their clasped hands. He brings them to his mouth and places a kiss on her knuckles before stepping away from her.

‘’Come. There are things I wish to show you.’’ He says and she is led over the sands to a vast canyon, the darkness as it travels down makes her shiver but she can feel his reassurance of her safety through his skin.

Jim looks across the expanse of the canyon, noticing the different wooden bridges leading across it and she marvels at the shields she sees at the end of each bridge. The bridges are separated from one another by a few metres and they sway gently in the breeze.

‘’These are my shields. These are the barriers that house my emotions, that separate me – my two halves – into who I should be and who I am.’’ He says as he pulls her across the first bridge.

Jim swallows nervously as she looks down into the canyon, the darkness beneath her concerning her as she couldn’t see any ending to it. He lifts her chin with his free hand and motions for her to carry on following him. To carry on trusting him.

With each step she takes forward, she starts to feel lighter, airier and as Spock brings up their joined hands and touches the shield, it parts before them and she is bathed in happiness. She sucks down air as she looks around the room. She is immediately surrounded by golden threads and she laughs out loud as they all float around her. They twine themselves around various parts of her body, caressing her gently and she gasps when one of them wraps itself around both hers and Spock’s waist.

It pulls them together and as she is joined to him by the waist, the thread glows brighter and throbs in warmth and satisfaction as it binds them together.

‘’What is all this?’’ she giggles as a thread tickles her foot and Spock gently admonishes the link and it retreats back with shimmer.

‘’These links represent the children that we are capable of having and this –‘’ he lifts his hand with a smaller thread wrapped tightly around his wrist –‘’this is the link that I will have with the child we currently have … when it is born.’’

Her eyes widen as she stares at it and all of the _thousands_ of other links around the room and she begins to splutter…

‘’Spock... there is no way we can have this many children together!’’

He throws his head back in laughter, the sounds joyful and filled with delight. Jim continues to look around the room in mock-horror until she brings her gaze back to Spock who is still laughing at her. She begins to giggle as well and the two of them cling to one another as tears of mirth leak from their eyes. The threads buzz and swoop around them happily until they both catch their breaths. She brings up her own free hand and strokes the thread wrapped around his wrist and she clasps it lightly before bringing it to the top of her stomach.

‘’When our child is born, I will meld with him or her and our link will fall into place, Jim. We will forever be bonded as parent and child. Should you wish it, I will also create a link between you and the child.’’ He whispers and she uses her free hand to cup his chin.

‘’I would really, really like that.’’ She says and she watches his eyes fill with happiness, with warmth and security. A silent promise that he will be there no matter what and she accepts it. Wholeheartedly.

‘’Do you see now... do you see that I could never leave all of this behind?’’ he questions and she nods at him.

‘’I do.’’

They linger a while longer until he sighs in regret. He whispers something in his people’s language and the threads unwind from their bodies, retreating back from them and Jim stares back with a look of longing as he leads her out. He senses her reluctance to leave and turns to briefly kiss her forehead before giving her hand a subtle pull. She stops and turns as they pass through the doors and she feels foolish when she waves at all of them – they shimmer in response to her goodbye and the shield snaps shut with a hiss.

His pace once they have crossed the bridge becomes anxious, nervous and she feels all of his apprehension and tension as he tries to drag her away from the second bridge as they pass it. She stops in front of it and starts to worry when he avoids looking at it all together. His usual golden-brown eyes have darkened, his jaw tightly clenched and his hand is trembling within her own.

‘’Spock?’’ she questions and he blows out a breath wearily.

‘’This is the p-path to my broken link with Nyota. The bridge is rotting; the shield is cracking with each passing moment. I dare not approach it because… I am ashamed of it, I am ashamed that I feel such fear when I look upon it.’’

Jim’s heart aches at the wretched sound of his voice. She releases his hand and standing on her toes she wraps her arms around his neck and buries her face into his shoulder. She feels his anxiety lessen as she continues to hold him and pulling back but not letting go she asks him cautiously if he can somehow fix it.

‘’I am able to dissolve the link. I will need to meld with Nyota. She will however, not listen to reason. I have tried every method I know of to contain the darkness within that shield – but I am failing.’’

Jim’s stomach clenches with sickening jealousy at the thought of them melding, of him sharing all of who he is with another woman and he surprisingly grunts in amusement despite the fear she can still feel rolling off of him.

‘’Jim. What you and I share, here and on the outside, could never be repeated or replicated except by the two of us.’’ He promises her and she groans when she remembers that melding was a two-way street, that he could feel her emotions as much as she could feel his. She mumbles an apology for doubting him and he nods into her shoulder, his nose rubbing along her neck with a stuttering sigh.

She can’t stand to see him like this.

‘’We should leave this one a-alone.’’ He states again but before he can stop her she tears away from him, her thoughts barely being formed in her mind, before she’s running onto the rotting bridge, skipping over the missing planks of wood, hearing Spock’s frantic shouting from behind her.

She has no clear idea of what it is that she thinks she can accomplish by doing this but she has to try. She starts to shiver as she approaches the shield. From between the cracks she sees how it oozes black, an oily putrid liquid that globs onto the sand as it escapes. Jim’s knees begin to buckle as she begins to hear whispers from behind the shield and she tries to block it out by concentrating on moving forward.

Greed-hate-jealousy-malice all hit her with one fell swoop as she places both of her hands on the surface of the shield. She breathes heavily, gasping for breath and resolving herself to her course of action - she thinks of water. Great tides of water that could wash away this infection, wash away all of his pain and with enormous effort she starts to push open one half of the door.

An infuriated, agonising scream escapes from within the shield and as Jim pushes it open completely she is knocked back a step as the charred, black link clings to the surface of the water, floating and coiling on top of it - similar to a serpent about to strike. The river she has created is strong, the currents running between her ankles and down into the canyon at the mouth of the bridge. Jim sinks her feet deeper into the sand and grips the doors as she is knocked back by the force of her creation.

The link rises from the water, hissing and whipping at her and Jim focuses all of her strength into imagining waves and her ears start to throb as she hears the first tremor from within. Crashes and bangs echo around the darkness and she is drenched when the first one hits her, the water now as high as her waist as it continues to pour out of the one open door.

Just as she starts to fear that she will be swept into the bottomless pit along with the broken link, she senses a stronger force join her at her side. Spock is pushing at the other door – fear still blazing within his eyes but as he catches her own panic stricken look, he slams his shoulder into the other half of the door- pushing it open completely.

It opens the path and with one look they make a decision.

The cling to one another, his arms tightly wrapped around her waist, hers around his neck as the crystal clear liquid rages over and between them. For what seems like an age, they are consumed by it. With a sigh the water starts to recede and as it does it laps at their ankles as it passes them and all that could be heard from within the shield was the gentle sounds of trickling water, the droplets from the celling reverberating on the marble floors and Spock is shuddering in her arms.

‘’Jim. Oh, my Jim.’’ He whispers in awe into the crook of her neck and he lifts her from the ground as he embraces her with all his might.

‘’All better?’’ she questions nervously with a chuckle and he gives her a mixture of a laugh and a choking sob at the same time.

‘’Thank you, my Jim.’’ He settles her back down onto the damp sand with a sigh.

‘’I do not know how you managed to heal it, but I find that I will never question your ability to achieve the impossible… or your extraordinary luck.’’

‘’Luck, Mister Spock? I believe that was a miracle.’’ She huffs out, her hair clinging to her face in its drenched state and he brushes the clumped strands away from her eyes.

‘’In this instance... I believe that as well.’’

Spock leans down to capture her soft, moistened lips and he presses against her insistently as his tongue begs for entrance. Jim opens her mouth and they both moan at the first intimate contact. She winds her fingers into his hair, tugging at him and his own lift to frame her face. Spocks’ mouth is fused to hers, biting, suckling and licking at her until her knees start to give way from the passion and lust she feels emanating from him. She can’t breathe and she doesn’t care if she can’t so she presses back with enthusiasm as he plunders her mouth.

He pulls back from her, his face a wonderful pale green hue as he bestows kiss upon kiss onto each part of her face, showering her with affection and joy. When he releases her she pulls him back, wanting to return the favour and show his body the same worship but he shakes his head.

‘’In due time, my Jim.’’

********************

‘’Do you think your dad likes me?’’ she asks as they sit in front of his familial shield, their backs being warmed from the orange glow-like heat it emits.

‘’My father has expressed on several occasions that he wishes that I would consider raising this child with you as a bonded pair. My grandmother –T’Pau – has also expressed her … disappointment that we are not committed to one another.’’ He frowns and she rubs her thumb along his own as they continue to bathe in the sun.

‘’D-Do you want to be in a relationship with me?’’ she asks and he tilts his head to the side as he gives her a small smile.

‘’Wanting is not the same as needing.’’ He swallows nervously as he squeezes her hand.

‘’So which is it… do you want... or do you need?’’ she says and she turns her head away from him to stare off into the distance.

‘’If I said both… would you understand?’’ he replies and she combs a hand through her drying hair, her fingers finding knots as she reaches the end.

‘’Spock… what is T’hy’la?’’

She hears him take in a shuddering breath and he pulls her on top of his lap, leaning back against the shield for support. She straddles him without too much fuss but she crosses her arms in defiance as he continues to hesitate.

‘’I did not want to tell you what we are to each other for one reason. I wished that you would come to the conclusion that you wanted to be with me of your own free will, rather than me telling you that we are meant for one another – that ultimately whatever decision or path we take, we would come together regardless.’’ He says quietly as he stares into her eyes.

‘’But if you wanted me to come to that conclusion by myself… I don’t understand… from what you just said you were just offering me the _illusion_ of choice.’’

‘’It would still be your choice.’’ He mutters - looking away from her down to the sand, the grains falling through his fingers as he picks it up and lets it fall aimlessly.

‘’Is this your choice?’’ she drops her arms to lean down to him, her hair falling forwards in a curtain around her face – she kisses him once, twice and a third time before he grabs the back of her head, his graceful fingers weaving between her strands and he pulls her back down for a fourth before he whispers his reply.

‘’Yes.’’

They kiss on the sands of Vulcan, their feelings intertwining with one other, consuming and overwhelming them both as their hands roam across new territory. She framed his face with her hands and with a final kiss to the tip of his nose she smiles tentatively at him.

‘’Will you give me some time to consider all of this? A few hours ago I really thought that I wouldn’t ever need you again. That you were going to leave me. Leave the baby and that I would never see you again.’’

His expression is pained when he rolls them over, his body lying on top of hers, her hair fanned out in a circle in the sand.

‘’I will give you as much time as you wish, my Jim.’’

‘’I … I’m a bit scared Spock…’’

He closes his eyes and tilts his head to the side as he gages her unspoken thoughts and feelings.

‘’You are afraid of falling in love with me.’’ He states and she nods shyly.

He moves off of her and upon standing he sticks out his hand to help her up. She grabs onto it and gives a groan at the sensation.

‘’I would ask you not to be afraid, to trust me, not just with your life, but with your heart as well. With you soul.’’

She gazes intensely into his eyes, trying to find some flicker of untruth but all she senses, feels, tastes and smells from him are his pure, truthful intentions and she steals one last kiss before nodding at him.

‘’Okay.’’

‘’I am starting to detest that word as it normally follows with another word I loathe…but?’’

‘’But nothing, Spock. I’m saying okay because I want to… I want to fall in love with you and because I feel the need to do it as well. If we’re meant to be… who am I to argue when I can see how happy I would be with you.’’

Her eyes catch upon a blinding light over his shoulder and as she steps towards it, he stops her with a kiss.

‘’I will take you there when you are ready, my Jim.’’

Disappointed but not wanting to push the issue, she sighs and as he places his fingers on her psi points again she starts to panic and frantically whispers to him…

‘’Can I come here again?’’

‘’You have been and always will be welcome here, my Jim.’’

************************************************************************************

When he opens his eyes he is perturbed to see that somehow they have made it to her bed, that he was in fact bare chested and wrapped around his captain. One hand was still hovering above her psi points, the other was firmly holding onto her hip, her legs wrapped around his waist. He looked down to her face, her heavy breathing panting across his cheek and as she moved beneath him he bit back a groan as the erection he had not previously been aware of – rubbed deliciously against her core.

‘’Spock… how did we get here?’’

‘’I presume that we walked.’’

She slaps him playfully on his bicep before curling her hand around it and he hears her hum in thought.

‘’I could get used to this.’’ She murmurs to him and he responds by biting onto her bottom lip, a lick following after to soothe the sting.

‘’Jim. You have asked for t-time... if you do not cease provoking me by rubbing yourself against me in that manner – I cannot guarantee that I will be able to give it to you.’’ He scrapes his teeth along her neck as they continue to move against one another- her thighs squeezing his waist with every minor thrust he gives and he bites her lightly in admonishment.

For some inexplicable reason he is loath to follow his own warning to her and he relishes how her body fits snugly beneath him, her breasts - only covered by her thin undershirt- are straining towards him as she arches her back and he brings his other hand down grip both of her hips as he continues to lazily thrust against her.

‘’J-Jim….’’ He growls as she rakes her nails down his back and he shakes his head to clear it, the blast of her lust driving him to the edge.

‘’We must stop. We have things to discuss…’’ he pants into her ear while her hands travel down to his posterior pulling him tighter against her heat.

‘’Ugh… fine...’’ He listens to her swear in Klingon and his brow twitches with amusement as he rolls off of her. He takes a moment to concentrate and will his erection away –noticing how she watches his groin with a smirk- he ignores her and reaches down to pick up his discarded jersey.

He turns to watch her sit up against the headboard, her hand back on her stomach and he quickly stifles the urge to kiss her growing stomach. Dressed, he settles himself next to her on the bed, his long legs stretched out and he folds his hands together on top of his own stomach.

‘’So…’’

‘’Do not procrastinate, Jim. I wish to know what the admiralty said when you informed them of your pregnancy.’’

‘’They basically told me that I was an idiot, that I was throwing my career away – at least that’s what Komack said. Chris was supportive, but he’s like my dad so I’m not really surprised by that.’’

‘’Do they wish for you to leave the ship?’’

‘’Yeah. They offered to get me assigned to some outpost near Mars or at best a desk job back in cisco.’’

He is not pleased with this outcome. If she were to leave the ship he would lose all reason to stay here himself. He nods absently to himself - deciding that if she were to leave – he would follow after her.

‘’And your response to this?’’ he asks nervously and she giggles in response. He finds this to be an unsatisfactory answer and he indicates as much with a small huff.

‘’I told them that if they tried to fire me or ‘promote’ me to somewhere else that I would cause unending hell for them as well as create the biggest PR scandal of the century. Captain Kirk will not go down quietly.’’ He sees her feral grin and strangely this does not ease him.

‘’Did you inform the admirals about the infants parentage?’’

‘’No, I didn’t tell them that you’re the father- because at that time I was still pissed with you.’’ She bites her lip and lowers her eyes in apology.

‘’If you were to inform them that the baby you are carrying is T’Paus’ grandchild, I think you will find that they will quickly alter their attitude towards you.’’

‘’Yeah... I’ll give it a try the next time they threaten to fire me. For now though, while I’m still not showing… well, I think we should cross that bridge when we get to it.’’

‘’You do have a penchant for crossing bridges that you should not cross.’’ He quips and he is rewarded with a bark of laughter.

‘’Should we... should we be talking about Uhura?’’

He scowls at her as she effectively ruins the mood they have created and folds his arms across his chest.

‘’I terminated my relationship with Uhura when I discovered our broken link. She has been aggressive and non-responsive to any and all attempts I have made to ease our – her – suffering by removing the link. I did not inform you of this because I did not wish for you to feel guilt.’’

‘’But… she came to me, Spock. She told me that when we reach New Vulcan that you... you and her were going to get the link fixed and then get m-married.’’ She stutters and he scoffs in disbelief.

‘’Jim... after seeing and experiencing my once broken link with her, can you not understand why she is behaving the way she is?’’

‘’Hey, you can’t blame everything on the broken link... you don’t act like a colossal bitch because of it, you don’t come to me and say words that intentionally hurt.’’ She pouts and folds her own arms angrily across her chest.

‘’She is not adequately equipped to stop the link from tampering with her emotions, Jim. Hence the urgency I have to meld with her. She is harming herself by not allowing me to heal her. Now that you have healed me – which I will never understand how you were able to do so – I no longer need to see a healer on New Vulcan and my emotions are once again under control.’’

‘Is she.. is she dangerous, Spock? Should she even be working?’’

Spock hums quietly as he contemplates this.

‘’I do not see how the link could have corrupted her to the point where she wishes to harm another. I have hurt her, Jim. I am to blame for the deterioration of the link and her current state of mind.’’ He says with a sigh of regret and he hears her snort.

‘’Well, if you feel that bad... go back to her then.’’ Jim hisses and his head snaps up at her tone and at the absurdity of this human next to him.

He rolls on to his knees and grabs both of her wrists – pinning them to the wall gently as he gives a small chuckle.

‘’Jealousy is illogical. This may be hypocritical of me to say considering I have spent the last three weeks drowning in the sensation – but I am quite certain that after all you have just seen, you should be reassured of the fact that I do not wish to ever be with a another woman… if that woman is not you.’’ He says sternly and she grunts.

‘’Answer me, Captain Kirk. Do you understand?’’

‘’Yeah…but I’m sure a kiss along with all those pretty words will make me believe it.’’ She smirks and he sighs in exasperation before bending down and kissing her.

He does so slowly, thoroughly as his tongue battles for dominance with her own.  He mouths at her lips and he presses them firmly against his own, feeling her smug smile.

With a small shake to his head in resignation, he feels her scoot down on the bed and taking the hint she is all but shouting at him - he allows himself to climb back on top of her, her legs immediately wrapping around his waist and with a moan he gives into her illogical insecurities for the night.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short and sweet piece to take away any and all cravings... Read end of notes as to why i'm so sporadic and useless at writing lately. Enjoy!

She wakes up to small nudges on her skin. Soft, feather-light presses against her stomach and when she opens one eye to look down, she sees the familiar tip of a pointed ear bent over her belly. She smiles softly in the red glow of her room as she watches him press kiss after kiss on the slight bump that has formed in the last few weeks.

Her hand reaches down to stroke through the silken strands of his hair and when she curls it on purpose around his ear, her body shudders in silent laughter as it once again stays in place like that. He lifts his eyes to hers, a brow raised in question at her laughter and she shakes her head. She lives for moments like these, in the quiet of the mornings before shift starts, the silence is peaceful and communication between them passes through light brushes of skin, through whispered kisses and meaningful looks.

Her smile widens when he shifts back up to the top of the bed and initiates a light meld, their emotions flicking through and harmonising as he presses kiss after kiss to her face. It has become so commonplace, so natural to wake up each morning in his arms, to feel the warmth of his body and breath against her skin that she can hardly recall what it felt like to wake up alone.

They haven’t had sex, the need is always strong, always there and they teeter on the edge of that decision each time they wrap themselves around one another but he has kept them fully clothed where it counts – to her disappointment and to her begrudging relief. Instead, over the last few weeks and three months into her pregnancy - she has found herself being wooed, being courted by candle lit dinners where they speak quietly over their meals about what type of child they would have, how they would raise it and how they could combine the best of both of their beliefs and ideologies to provide a stable life for their child.

She has become so used to him walking a step ahead of her when entering a room, later discovering that he did this to analyse any potential threats before allowing her to enter that it doesn’t bother her in the least anymore. Instead now she smiles shyly at him as he pulls out her chairs for her or guides her around corners with a subtle hand on her back.

She falls for him in increments, one moment at a time, each time he curls around her when they sleep and his fingers brush over her stomach or when he takes the time to listen to her complain without calling her illogical. For the first time in a very, very long time she feels  treasured, cherished and how good it feels to have someone put her needs first.

With each morning that passes this way, she finds herself opening up more - of who she is, of who she was - than she has ever done with anyone else before. She catches herself watching his retreating back on the rare occurrences that he leaves her alone, the look on her face wistful and filled with longing, before she has to remind herself that the bridge was no place for feelings like that.

 In the mornings when she is overcome with nausea and her world starts to tilt she finds a reassuring hand rubbing her back or hears a soothing sound whispered into her ear. He was always there; a constant presence and she hoped that she would never become the type of person who would take it all for granted.

More than anything she was grateful that she wasn’t alone in any of this. Having fully prepared herself at the start to take on this adventure alone she was immensely overjoyed that when her shift ended, instead of a dark, desolate room welcoming her it was instead the steady, reliable noise of her first officer that greeted her when she stepped into the room.

He would sit at her desk, completing the day’s paperwork or reading a newly released thesis, head bent forward in concentration. Each time she entered the room and saw him she would gasp quietly to herself and her heart would begin clamouring in her chest. Upon reaching him she would wind her arms around his neck and place a kiss on top of his head as he continued with his work.

His hand would come up to skim lightly at her arm, his index and middle finger placing a kiss of greeting on her hand in return. It was all so surreal, like a shiny new bubble that could burst into nothingness at any moment. So when she had him in her arms she used this as an excuse as to why she held on so tightly to him whenever the chance came up.

The simple fact of him being there was something she could never fully explain, could never put into words should anyone ask. For every scan or appointment with Bones, Spock would be there at her side and although they had decided to keep their new status as a ‘couple’ under wraps, Spock would always somehow betray himself by showing slivers of emotions. While he did not touch her in front of Bones, it was plain to see the relief and absolute devotion in his eyes when Bones would scan over their child and play its heartbeat on the monitor for them, declaring it so far as healthy and safe.  

Her symptoms while light on the pregnancy side had however increased alarmingly when it came to the functioning of her body as a whole. She would find herself dropping things, the muscles in her arms and hands weakening, her legs would sometime shake unbearably throughout the night for no apparent reason and the tightening of her chest if she over exerted herself became something that drove Spock almost to the point of madness in worrying about her.

Bones had explained that he was doing everything in his power to stop her symptoms and that maybe this was just one of the side effects of being pregnant with a half human child. Spock had looked so put out upon hearing this that she had smacked Bones so hard on the arm that she could still feel the sting on her palm an hour later.

Christine had all but stopped their counselling sessions upon discovering that Spock and Uhura had broken up. While the blonde nurse didn’t probe into the why’s and how’s and whose faults that it was that the relationship ended, Jim knew that it must be tough for Christine to be stuck in the middle. She was after-all, friends with both her and Nyota and couldn’t choose sides. Jim didn’t blame her or hold any grudges against her. She valued what little friends she had.

‘’Jim… come back to me.’’ She hears a rumble in her ear and she blinks again to dispel the memories of the last few weeks that were playing out in front of her eyes. His thumb swipes over her bottom lip and she teasingly licks the tip, eliciting a hiss of surprise from him.

‘’You are incorrigible.’’ He growls and climbs on top of her amidst all of her mock-protesting giggles.

‘’You love me really…’’ she smirks and she delights in seeing the slight dusting of green on his face as she makes eye contact with him.

Two more days and they would finally get to Starbase Ten and a chance for some much needed shore leave. As he settled his weight on top of her, her legs wrapping familiarly around his waist she decided that she would of course – make it one to remember.

****************************************************

‘’Darlin’, if I’ve told ya once I’ve told ya a damn thousand times now… no more coffee!’’ she hears an exasperated moan of frustration and she childishly swirls around the last sip around her mouth, gurgling before swallowing noisily.

‘’You’re no fun anymore Bones. You’re like my dad!’’ she moans just as loudly and the crew around her snicker at the look of disgusted shock on his face.

‘’Ya’ll agree with me right? Pregnant ladies need to listen to their doctors!’’ Bones says to the occupants of the bridge and each one nods enthusiastically in agreement when they see his hand twitch towards his coat pocket.

‘’You’re not the boss of me! I sign the pay checks here!’’ she pouts and glares at each crew member but they shake their heads in amusement when Bones simply snatches the cup from her hand and she shrieks in outrage.

‘’Mutiny! Mister Spock, come on! Tell him that by taking my coffee away he is decreasing my ability to efficiently command this vessel. I know you have figures in that head of yours to prove it.’’

‘’My apologies Captain… but it seems that I am in agreement with the doctor on this matter.’’

‘’You all suck.’’ She folds her arms and sulks in her captain’s chair but she can’t hide the smirk on her face when the crew start laughing outright at their antics.

‘’Drink your damn tea, Jim.’’ Bones snaps and thrusts another cup into the slot in the chair and she growls at him under her breath.

‘’What was that… didn’t quite catch that darlin’…’’ She rolls her at eyes at him as he waggles a finger at her and as he walks away from her to settle behind Chekov’s chair, she slips him a discreet finger in return.

Her hand starts to shake as she lifts the cup to her mouth and deciding that she didn’t want to have to change clothes due to spilling it all over herself, she places it back down with a sigh. It’s not like she was particularly fond of the tea but now that her hands were empty she felt restless.

‘’ETA three hours to starbase ten Captain.’’ Sulu informs her and a buzz of excitement goes around the room at the news.

‘’Thank you, Mister Sulu. Uhura, any incoming messages?’’ she asks sternly, refusing to buckle under the heavy weight of the woman’s hateful stare. It’s been weeks of this and Jim is so over it.

‘’You have been asked to contact Ambassador Selek when we reach our destination.’’ Uhura replies in clipped tones and she nods her head and turns to Spock.

‘’Shall we? We can place the call to him and Komack and find out what kind of monkey dance were gonna do for the admiralty once we get there.’’ Spock inclines his head and steps in front of her as they leave the bridge and step on to the lift.

‘’What could my counterpart wish to converse to you about? If I recall correctly you spent exactly one hour and twenty five minutes on a vid call with him yesterday evening. An hour of which you spent laughing.’’ Spock grumps and she strokes the back of his hand as she orders the lift across to the conference room.

‘’There, there…’’ she mocks gently and he huffs in response, folding his arms as he waits for the doors to open.

She seats herself at the conference table and Spock sits next to her, sliding closer and placing a hand on her thigh beneath the table – she smirks at his attempt to subtly claim her and she tuts at him as she instructs the computer to open a channel to Ambassador Selek. She watches from the corner of her eye as her Spock straightens and his face turns to stone as the channel opens.

‘’Jim! How wonderful for you to call me again so soon.’’ Ambassador Selek says warmly and she feels a small twitch on her thigh as Spock tightens his grip.

‘’We are simply calling per your instructions to do so.’’ Spock intones and the ambassador chuckles lightly before turning his attention back to Jim.

‘’What can I do for you old friend?’’ she asks

‘’I was hoping that you would indulge an old Vulcan like me and join me and Ambassador Sarek for a light supper. Of course, my counterpart is expected to attend but I thought I should forewarn you and give you a chance to – _flee for the hills_ – as they say.’’ His eyes twinkle with amusement when she pales.

‘’Uh… Spock’s dad wants to meet with me? W-why?’’

‘’I would think that he would like to assess with his own eyes how you are faring with carrying his first grandchild.’’

‘’My father wishes to do more than that I should think.’’ Spock mutters and turns his head to look at Jim. ‘’You are more than welcome to decline. I fear that he will try to influence you or rush you into making decisions that you have told me you are not ready to make.’’ He says quietly and she places her hand on top of his and threads their fingers together.

‘’No, I –I think that it’s a good idea. He is your father and the baby’s grandfather… so I might as well bite the bullet and get it over with.’’

‘’I hardly think it will be as painful as the archaic method of getting shot by lead projectiles.’’ Ambassador Selek chuckles and Spock throws him a glare at the blatant emotion on his face.

‘’Come now youngling, if you and Jim are now in a relationship it is only fitting that you become accustomed to displays of emotions. Whether it be on my face, Jim’s or even yours.’’

Jim blushes to her roots as Ambassador Spock speaks openly about their relationship and Spock manages to swallow down a startled choking sound before it leaves his lips.

‘’We have not … alerted anyone to the change of status in our relationship. In fact, only a select few know who the father of the child is. Until we are comfortable, we ask you to keep this information to yourself.’’ Spock’s gravelly tone pleads and Jim feels a spike of guilt as she listens to him.

‘’Do you want people to know? Are you … ready for it?’’ she asks and Spock takes a moment to assess the benefits and consequences of making the information common knowledge.

‘’Let us speak about this further when we do not have … company.’’

‘’Jim… whatever you decide I wish for you to know that I will always be there to aid you. With whatever you need.’’ The older Vulcan says with warmth and Jim feels a spike of hormones rush around her veins as her eyes start to water.

Spock bristles beside her and she feels their entwined hands being lifted and being placed on the surface of the table, in plain view of the Ambassador.

‘’I thank you for your generous offer of support, however I have things well in hand and it is my responsibility to care for my … mate.’’

Jim lets out a small hysterical giggle at hearing the word mate and Spock misinterprets her laugh and starts to pull his hand away as rejection fills his own body but she snatches it back and brings it to her mouth where she places a kiss on the top of his hand.

‘’I will leave you to it then young ones. I will of course see you later tonight. I will comm you with the meeting place details. Till then.’’ He lifts his hand in the taal and she waves back at him as the screen goes black.

‘’So…. I’m your mate?’’ she asks and he nods slowly.

‘’We are not bondmates… for obvious reasons… but you are nevertheless my mate. I apologise if I surprised you with this –‘’

She pushes her chair back and holding onto his hand she straddles his lap and places their foreheads together.

‘’I am your mate.’’ She breathes huskily and he gives a small moan as he hears her say it.

‘’I … am yours.’’ She whispers again as she kisses both of his high cheekbones.

‘’As I am yours.’’ He replies and kisses her on the mouth, the sounds of their lips meeting loud in the quiet of the room.

She feels his hands release her own and he palms her ass as he picks her up and puts her back down on the table, her legs opening to allow him to stand in between them. He pulls on the band holding her hair in a ponytail and spreads his finger through the golden strands and she is so caught up in the taste of his mouth, in the scent of his breath that she doesn’t realise that he is bunching her dress up around her thighs and unzipping her dress at the base of her neck.

‘’Mmm… no, wait Spock… we can’t do this here…’’ she moans as he dips his hand into the back of her dress, caressing the silken skin of her back, his nails scratching lightly up and down as he leaves pink marks behind.

‘’I wish to claim you, my Jim. You have been driving me to d-distraction these weeks. To finally hear you utter the words that I have _longed_ to hear… I find myself failing when it comes to remaining patient.’’

‘’Spock…’’ she gasps as he peels her dress down over her shoulders, the material folding over the swell of her breasts, exposing them to the cold air of the room and he bends at the knees as his tongue laps at her collarbones.

She squirms around his lean body as he pushes the straps of her bra off her arms, the pieces dangling uselessly as more of her breasts are exposed and he nips his way back up until his mouth settles into the crook of her neck. He suckles softly at the skin there and with a groan he bites down repeatedly with varying pressure, alternating between sucking, licking and biting.

Jim clings to the edge of the table as her back arches the more he presses down against her and she closes her eyes when she feels the hardness of his cock drag against her thigh.

‘’This will have to suffice for now, my Jim.’’ She hears his breathless words and her head drops to the table completely as she tries to gather what’s left of her wits.

‘’If… if you are amenable to the idea… I would like to… tonight… if you are ready of course… I...’’

‘’Gods, yes… please... seriously, just… _yes_. Whatever you want… whenever you want.’’ She replies and pulls him back down for a final, long lingering kiss.

Jim sees a small smile turn his lips and realising what state they’re in and where they are she hastily slides her ass of the table as he moves away and she turns and motions frantically to her back as she turns, asking him to zip her back up before they get caught.

‘’We should be arriving in one hour Captain.’’ Spock says as he stands behind her, handing her the hair tie that he had taken from her.

‘’Thank you, Mister Spock.’’  She sighs when she realises that there is no way she can get her hair back up to how it was before and gives up all together, letting the locks fall down over her shoulders and when Spock steps in front of her indicating that she is now allowed to follow after him – she rolls her eyes lovingly at him and steps up on her toes to give him a peck on the cheek.

‘’Until later tonight then.’’ She smirks as his eyes darken with anticipation.

‘’Indeed.’’ He straightens his uniform shirt and proceeds to walk ahead of her, his smile unseen but felt by her as she walks steadily behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so first off I would like to apologise for how long it has taken for the next update - I know this one doesnt have alot happening in it but i promise it will pick up again. If you've been reading my notes you'll know that i have recently started a new job and a few days ago they offered me the chance to make it a permanent one. So i've been working extra hours and buckling down to prove that i am worth keeping and by the time i get home at night its ten pm and i have just enough time to grab a quick bite to eat, shower and then hit they hay. The reason why i am pushing so hard at making this job permanent is because my partner is basically blackmailing me (lovingly ofcourse) and saying that if i can do this we will finally after six years of living together, be in a position to start a family. So.. yeah, I'm hopefully gonna be all preggers and whatnot at some point which im hoping will tie in nicely with my story.  
> So dear readers, please be patient while i work at being a fully functional adult. I honestly do love writing and i will complete this story but it might just take longer than i intended it to.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	22. Chapter 22

Having briefly returned to their quarters to don dress uniforms, they beamed across to the vast station and upon materialising they were immediately greeted by a flurry of chaotic commotion. Paparazzi who had been invited to attend the event on Starbase ten were all eagerly gathered and waiting for celebrities to arrive and when they stepped off the transporter pad Spock immediately placed himself between Jim and the offending crowd.

_‘’Captain! Captain Kirk! There have been rumours that you have ventured into Klingon Space against orders– can you confirm?’’_

_‘’Captain Kirk! Kirk! What is your opinion on allowing Zenebans into the federation?’’_

_‘’Captain Kirk! Are you dating anyone? What are you wearing to the gala tomorrow night?’’_

Spock refrained from sneering or rolling his eyes at some of the insipid questions as they fired off left and right in their direction and with a steady hand on his captains back he marched through the crowd, keeping alert and wary of any and all potential threats. The crew that had beamed down after them were treated to the same experience and he overheard the doctors angry tone echo around the room. He allowed a small tilt to his lips at the sound.

‘’Jesus, where the hell is security?’’ he hears Jim yell and he shakes his head in reply, not wanting to shout above the noise.

When they are finally corralled into an empty office by a weary looking ensign, Spock watches Jim take a moment to catch her breath as she leans against the door.

‘’Vultures... all of them.’’ He hears her hiss in annoyance as banging and questions continued to ram against the closed door.

‘’Indeed. I find it peculiar that security was not able to clear the transporter room prior to our arrival.’’

‘’Well someone on this station needs a good ass-kicking, cause that was just unacceptable. I don’t mind smiling for the camera and answering a few questions in a controlled environment but that was absolute madness that attacked us there.’’ She huffs and the movement jostles the loose hairs that had come undone from her ponytail.

‘’Are you distressed in any way?’’ he asks her, concern furrowing his brows as he steps into her space and places a hand on her lower stomach, his finger rubbing in soothing circles as his other hand tilts her chin up so that she can meet his gaze.

‘’I’m fine… just a little surprised, Spock.’’ She covers his hand on her belly with her own and they take a quick moment to connect through their touching skin. He sends as much reassurance and comfort as he can through their entwined fingers and he sighs softly when he feels it reciprocated.

A moment later as they release one another, the door opens and Spock is pleased to see Christopher Pike enter the room and he feels a familiar rush of fondness for the man as he watches the Admiral bark out orders to clear the area.

‘’Sorry about that, Kirk. I don’t know what the hell is up on the rust bucket but I will be kicking some ass later.’’

‘’Hey! That’s what I said!’’ Jim giggles and Spock stifles a frown when she and the admiral embrace in greeting, his fondness for the man dimming as his territorial urges make an appearance.

He sends Jim a pointed look to disengage herself from the man immediately lest she wanted a display of Vulcan illogic and when she winks teasingly back at him he takes a step towards her in irritation - intending to dislodge her himself, when finally she releases the older man and steps back into his space.

‘’Mister Spock! A pleasure to see you again in person. Thank you for keeping my ship afloat.’’ Chris chimes with a hand raised in the taal and Jim scoffs in outrage.

‘’Uh, I think you’ll find it’s my ship, Chris.’’ A growl leaves her mouth and he is hard pressed to not snicker when she folds her arms in a huff.

‘’Yeah, yeah Kid.’’ Chris smirks and he watches his Captain’s eyes take on their familiar twinkle of mischief.

‘’So what’s the deal with the fundraiser? What monkey dance are you making us do now?’’ Jim prompts as she walks around the table intending to sit and before Spock can pull out a chair for her, he is dismayed to see the Admiral do so in his stead. His lips thin as he retreats and walks counter-clockwise around the table to seat himself next to her.

‘’All the bigwigs are attending. Morale has been dropping recently what with all the skirmishes we’ve been having with the Klingons and there are a lot of ruffled feathers as well thanks to the Ferengi. So all we need you to do is smile, talk about how great and lovely space and Starfleet is and we’ll handle the rest.’’

Spock hears her mutter under her breath and leans back in his chair, folding his arms as he takes in the Admiral who seats himself across from the Captain.

‘’Great…’’ Jim snorts and she folds her hands together over her growing stomach and he twitches when the urge to cover her hands with his own begins to metaphorically bite as his ankles.

‘’We’ll take it easy, obviously in your condition – ‘’

‘’No way... I’m only three months pregnant Chris… I’m still fully capable of doing any and all work set out for me.’’ She says sternly.

‘’No, I get that, I do. I’m on your side here, Kirk. But your pregnancy is also going to be used as another ploy to get people to enlist in Starfleet… something about how it’s family friendly and safe in space.’’

‘’Don’t let Bones hear you say that…’’

Spock hums in agreement with her comment and the two share a look between them, Jim smiling as she leans back as well, their shoulders touching.

‘’Alright, out with it... you two are far too chummy these days.’’ Chris chirps and Jim curses in between her laughter.

‘’Yeah, um… guess who the baby’s dad is…’’ Jim says and Spock watches in fascination as the Admirals eyes bulge.

‘’Well shit Kirk, you never did do things the easy way.’’ Pike grins and Spock feels his Captains shoulders shrug.

‘’I take it congratulations are in order then Mister Spock?’’

‘’Thank you Admiral Pike.’’ He intones with a nod of his head.

‘’I...I suppose this will also be a good time to inform you that Mister Spock and I have started…’’

‘’We are currently engaged in a long term, monogamous relationship and felt it was time to disclose the information to our superiors. Sir.’’ Spock finishes and Jim scowls at him.

‘’Komack is going to love this… you know what a racist bastard he is.’’ Pike huffs in laughter as he rubs his hands over his face.

‘’Any other bombs you want to drop on me while we’re here?’’

‘’Nah, just that Spock and I are involved and that we’re having a baby together.’’ Jim says nonchalantly and Spock feels the thrum of amusement leak through her shoulder into his as she settles herself more firmly against him.

‘’Okay… fine, just keep it professional tomorrow night in front of all the diplomats and we shouldn’t have any problems.’’

‘’Aye Sir.’’

‘’Will do.’’

Pike begins to chuckle merrily at the two of them and as he stands he flips open his communicator.

‘’I’m happy for you kid. You too, Mister Spock.’’

‘’We thank you, Admiral.’’

‘’Hey! I can speak for myself you know!’’ she hisses at him and Spock feels a slither of shame seep into his body.

‘’Now, now… no domestics in my presence... I’m too old for all that drama.’’ Pike relays and he barks another order into his communicator. The door to the office opens and it is blissfully quiet in the background.

‘’We’ve gotten rid of all the vultures, but keep on your toes. They have a right to be here so we don’t have the jurisdiction to charge them if they ambush you later.’’

With that he nods in farewell and Spock stands slowly from his seated position and holds out his hand for his mate.

‘’Hey, Spock…I know our relationship has only just started and that maybe I don’t really know as well as you do how they work, but why do you feel the need to answer for me if another person asks me a question?’’ she says and he retracts his hand and places it behind his back.

‘’Vulcan males act illogically around their pregnant mates. With another male so close in proximity to yourself I feel compelled to act as a buffer of sorts – to deflect their attention away from you and back onto myself. We are unfortunately a species that are easy challenged and rankled when it comes to our mates. Simply put… I do not appreciate other men talking to you.’’ He says and Jim’s mouth drops open in shock.

‘’Well, Vulcan instincts or not... I’m going to need you to cut it out when we’re at the fundraiser tomorrow night.’’ She says seriously and he sighs.

‘’If I had my way, I would keep you sequestered until the child is born, so that only I am able to see the glow you hold whilst you are carrying my child. So that only I may hear the words that come from your mouth. I fear what will happen when you have to shake hands with the dignitaries tomorrow…’’ he muses to himself and he is half amused and half horrified at the words leaving his mouth.

‘’Well shit… tomorrow night is gonna be a tough one for us isn’t it?’’ she asks and he finds himself nodding at her.

‘’We’ll deal with that if and when it happens, Spock. For now… all you need to remember… Vulcan drives or not… is that I’m yours. This is your baby and only you are allowed to touch me intimately or invade my personal space. Okay?’’

He is immensely gratified when she stands and frames his face with her tiny hands and he feels all of her affection and … love?... bleed through to him and he mirrors her, his thumb trailing up and down her jaw as he kisses her softly on the mouth.

‘’D-Do we have time for a quickie?’’ she snickers and his eyebrows lift in surprise.

‘’You wish to engage in sexual intercourse h-here?’’ he observes the sparse office and the uncomfortable furniture within it. It was…certainly a possibility.

‘’Ha! No Spock, I was talking about a meld!’’ she giggles into his chest, her head coming down as her shoulders shake with laughter.

‘’You do this on purpose, do you not? Say things which are easily misconstrued.’’ He growls in amusement and she squeaks when he lifts her up into the air, her fingers clutching at the collar of his dress uniform.

‘’I don’t know what you’re talking about.’’ She grins coyly and he nips her neck lightly in reprimand at the blatant lie.

‘’If you wish to engage in carnal activities inside this unremarkable office environment, by all means… I shall endeavour to fulfil your wishes.’’ He says dryly and turns them so that her posterior scrapes against the edge of the desk.

‘No, no... put me down. Ha! Stop that! Spock…seriously…’’ she laughs exuberantly and he swells with love at the sound, having never heard anything as beautiful as the sound of her experiencing happiness.

‘’You are a tease.’’ He remarks and she pokes her pink tongue out at him as he places her back down.

‘’Let’s get this show on the road Mister Spock... the quicker we do… the quicker you and I can go back to our rooms and f-‘’

‘’Captain!’’ he blushes and he is once again rewarded by her listening to her laughter as he walks ahead of out of the door.

**************************

It is comforting to know that the quarters that have been assigned to him are next door to his Captains. Comforting, but ultimately irrelevant as he has no intention of using the quarters assigned to him. He will never again, willingly, spend a night apart from Jim.

He stands in his room and studying the layout for all of five seconds he promptly turns and picks up his belongings in the bag next to him and heads out the door. He pauses outside the room as he takes in a familiar shape and he is ashamed to admit that he contemplates re-entering the door he has just exited rather than face what looks to be like his ex-fiancée approaching him.

‘’Spock…’’ he hears Nyota breathe airily and he sighs internally as he comes to the conclusion that it was time to inform Nyota that he was now in a relationship with Jim.

‘’Nyota.’’

‘’Going somewhere?’’ she asks looking to the bag in his hand and he briefly has the urge to lie to her.

‘’Yes… I am relocating to different quarters.’’ He says and she hums in response.

He takes in her face and he is shocked to see the strain, the almost deranged desperation that shows in each expression she makes.

‘’Oh..? Not to your liking?’’ she asks again pointlessly and he wishes he could simply walk past her without answering.

‘’Nyota… will you not reconsider melding with me? The link…’’

‘’No, Spock!’’ she yells and he curses softly as he observes her becoming defensive and withdrawn.

‘’Nyota, please… _we must_. If you will not permit me to do so, then please consider seeking out a healer. If you continue to act in this manner I will have no choice but to inform Dr McCoy that I deem you unfit for duty. You will be forcibly removed from your post upon the enterprise until such a time as you are deemed healthy and of sound mind again.’’

‘’You wouldn’t dare! After all you’ve put me through…’’ she spits and he tightens his hold on his bag as guilt creeps up his spine.

‘’I will do what I must. My actions aside… I have and always will care about you. You were once my friend before we became lovers Nyota.’’ He tries to reason with her and she scoffs in response.

‘’We were a lot of things before Kirk came and fucked everything up.’’

‘’Do not blame Jim for our relationship ending.’’ He growls and where normally she would shrink when he raised his voice, this time her eyes seemed to close and the smile on her face widened, her teeth a devilish white in the light of the corridor.

‘’Kirk… what are we going to do with that woman…’’Nyota tuts to herself and Spock frowns as he tries to make sense of her comment.

‘’Nyota… Captain Kirk and I have entered into-‘’

‘’Yeah _thanks_ Spock… it’s only _the_ worst kept secret on the ship! You think we don’t all know that you’re slinking out of her quarters each morning and going back there at night? You think some poor ensign hasn’t seen you kiss or make out in the conference room? Or did you conveniently forget that we have _surveillance cameras_ in those areas of the ship. _Fuck you, Spock_. Trust me, I know you two are together.’’ She hisses and he is hit with a tidal wave of her rage as she grips onto his hand fiercely.

‘’Release me Nyota. You are not permitted to touch me in that manner. Only my mate has that right.’’ He snaps and he pulls himself out of her grasp.

‘’So you’re bonding with her then… your… _mate_?’’

‘’Yes. When they time is right we will complete our T’hy’la bond.’’ He says and he watches her face darken, her eyes narrowing.

‘’Go to your precious T’hy’la, Spock... Appreciate her while you have her.’’ Nyota remarks before striding off and out of sight. 

He breathes in deeply as he welcomes the empty corridor and its lack of life and emotions. He takes a moment to centre himself and walking the few steps over to his Captains quarters, he chimes and waits for her to open the door.

‘’Hi Spock…’’ he hears his mate greet him warmly and he takes her into his arms as he steps through the doors.

‘’Hello, my Jim.’’

***************************************************

_Ho-ho-lee shit this was awkward._

Like for her _… Seriously_. As soon as Ambassador Selek had sent the time to her PADD for their dinner together she had gotten so nervous that Spock had forcibly sat her down until she had calmed herself. Spock’s steady hands on her shoulders and the comforting words he spoke the only things she could concentrate on back then.

Now here she sat, Spock’s father to her right, Ambassador Selek to her left and Spock himself across from her glaring at everyone including her, around the circular table in the one and only decent restaurant on the starbase. She had never seen a petulant, sulky, pissed-off teenager but if she were to ever meet one she was a hundred percent positive that _this_ was what one would look like.

‘’Calm yourself, my son. We have no intention of touching your mate.’’ Sarek intoned with his deep, baritone voice and Spock gave a sniff of disbelief in response which in turn caused Ambassador Selek to snort in amusement.

‘’He cares not what our intentions are Sarek. Jim is his mate. Surely you must remember what it felt like to be in throes of territorial urges.’’

‘’Indeed. However it has been many, many years since then.’’  

‘’Shall we discuss the matters that are at the forefront of your mind, so that Jim and I may retire to our quarters. I would not see her tire in her condition when there is no need for it.’’ Spock growls and a gentle hum of agreement passes round the table.

‘’Very well. James, what are your intentions for my son?’’ Jim chokes on her sip of water and Spock begins to stand but she waves him back down with a garbled ‘ _I’m okay, Spock_.’

‘’I... err, I mean... we’re... T’hy’la, right? Did I say that right?’’ she looks over to Ambassador Spock and his eyes gleams with laughter as he nods at her. ‘’ So… uh… I think we’ll just do what comes naturally.’’ She splutters and Sarek frowns at her.

‘’You do not intend to bond with my son? To make your union official before the child is born? Surely you must see the logic in bonding with him?’’

‘’Father, please…’’

‘’No, Spock, it’s alright… Sarek, I appreciate where you’re coming from but Spock and I have only just decided to take that extra step in our relationship…’’

‘’Sarek, perhaps it would be wise to give them some time to ponder over these things.’’ Ambassador Spock smirks as he pats Jim gently on the arm. Spock snarls quietly and Jim’s insides shrivel inside of her as Sarek shoots Spock a fatherly ‘ _control yourself’_ glower.

‘’Sarek… can we switch seats?’’ Jim asks meekly, hoping that he will understand and not mention the illogic of swapping seating positions.

Jim accepts his nod gratefully and as soon as she sits down next to Spock, he takes her hand in his and squeezes. At first all she feels is a litany of possession, of ‘ _mine, mine, mine’_  and it sends a thrill to her brain but she winces when his strength becomes too much to bear and he apologises with a murmur into her ear as he leans into her.

‘’I trust that when you do bond, you will do so on New Vulcan where T’Pau will perform the ceremony? We have a few remaining clan members who will wish to witness this joining and family members on earth from your mother’s side Spock, who will wish to attend.’’ Sarek states and Jim groans internally as she thinks about how much planning actually goes into a wedding.

‘’I just want to concentrate on having a healthy baby first, we’ll think about all that stuff later.’’ She mumbles and feels Spock clutch her hand tighter as she indirectly brings up her failing health.

‘’Ah, yes… I have heard that you have been increasingly unwell these past few weeks. Is Dr McCoy any closer in diagnosing you with whatever ails you?’’ Ambassador Selek asks and his frown is mirrored by Spock’s and Sarek’s.

‘’No, he’s put me through hours of tests but nothing shows up. It’s not that bad really, it’s just a bit unnerving when my hands and legs start to shake… I feel like sometimes, I’m moving a bit slower than I’m used to or that I struggle to catch my breath if I don’t sit down…’’ she hums and she swipes her index finger over Spock’s and his own breath hitches.

‘’Please refrain from such blatant displays of affection and intimacy in public, young ones.’’ Sarek scolds them and Spock has the presence of mind to _not_ blush while Jim squirms in her seat at being caught.

‘’Have you thought of any names for the child you carry?’’ Ambassador Selek enquires and she shakes her head no gratefully as he soothes the sting of being scolded like a five year old.

‘’We have several in mind, however Jim is adamant that when she first looks upon the child that she will simply ‘ _know’_ what the name should be.’’ Spock rumbles and Sarek eyes crinkle with amusement.

‘’Your mother was much the same. Her stubbornness in naming you was reason for many disagreements within our household. In the end I found that it was easier for all involved if I simply acquiesced and allowed her to do as she saw fit.’’

‘’I personally, find that to be the case when it comes to all human women.’’ Ambassador Selek chuckles and Jim throws a piece of her breadstick at him.

As they place their orders for food, they continue to converse quietly about their plans, how long their stay on New Vulcan will be and if Jim has considered raising the child on New Vulcan. Jim tries a spoonful of plomeek soup, slurping noisily as Spock holds the spoon patiently for her and his mouth lifts in satisfaction as she hums at the taste. Discussing and comparing her symptoms with that of Spock’s mom was the main topic of tonight’s supper and as the evening wore on and they ordered dessert, Jim was finally comfortable enough to relax and be her annoying self.

If she and her Vulcan had taken to making out with their hands beneath the tablecloth halfway through his chocolate éclair and her lemon sponge cake, then thankfully no one felt the need to mention it. Again.

The bill was paid – all her protests at wanting to add in her share being ignored – and as they exited the restaurant she paused when she felt a finger on her elbow. Ambassador Selek looked fondly over her as she halted mid-step. Spock turned as he felt the absence of her presence beside him and she begged silently with her eyes for one minute alone with her old friend. She saw him reluctantly walk ahead and join his father and when the two had turned the corner she turned to face the Ambassador, giving him her full attention.

‘’My dear, dear Jim. It pleases me so to see you so happy. You are happy are you not?’’

‘’Very much so, Spock. My Spock… well, he really is something else.’’ She says almost shyly.

‘’I have a favour to ask of you… one that I do not ask lightly… but it has been seventy years since I have last experienced such a thing…’’ he says softly and hesitantly and she reaches out automatically to hold onto his arm.

‘’Anything, Spock. Name it.’’

‘’May I… may I touch your stomach? To once again feel life beneath your skin… even if you are not my Jim… it is something that I have longed for and forgotten about.’’

Her heart breaks for him and she drops her hand down to his wrist and with careful, slow movements she places his hand on her belly. She watches as his eyes close and his fingers widen over the expanse of her stomach. She knows that she is transmitting her feelings of heartbreak and loss and sympathy but she is shocked when all she can feel from him in return is his joy.

‘’Once, a very long time ago, I too had children. I think about them constantly. To know that soon, in this universe, I will also have a child – if not strictly-speaking mine – it nevertheless brings joy to what’s left of this old Vulcans life.’’

‘’Spock…’’ she does not know how to fully communicate what she feels at hearing his words but she reaches up onto her tiptoes and kisses him softly on his age-weathered cheek.

‘’You are family… and I love you Spock. It might not be in the same way that I lo…shit…’’ she steps back and bites her thumb.

‘’I take it you have not informed my counterpart of your feelings?’’

‘’I… think I may have been shielding a little too well… I mean, I think he knows... at least I hope he does…’’

‘’It is however, always best to speak openly about these things, lest the opportunity slips away from you.’’

‘’Yeah… I’ll be fixing that soon.’’ She blushes and she hears him snicker.

‘’Thank you for allowing me to touch you and the life you carry. I would however, appreciate it if you did not inform my counterpart that I did so without his permission, as I am too old to keep watch at night for any potential intruders who wish to end my life.’’

‘’It will be our secret, Spock.’’

As she walks side by side with the ambassador, she turns the corner and is unsurprised to see her Spock waiting there for her. He spots her and his eyes roam over her face and body before he visibly relaxes. Jim shyly sticks out her hand, her index and middle finger together and the look on Spock’s face at her actions in front of his father and counterpart was one that would stay with her for years.

He presses his own fingers to hers and taking his place by her side, they bid their dinner companions goodnight with the promise to see them tomorrow.

**********************************************************

_It’s strange… you know, like when she’s watched vids and things get all hot and heavy between the two main characters – all their actions seem to flow in one passion filled movement. Like dancing to music, each step taken according to a certain beat. Jim would reflect later on that her first time with Spock… was far, far from effortlessly perfect. No, it wasn’t perfect... but it was perfect for them you know?_

She is barely back in their quarters before Spock is lifting her, wrapping her legs around his waist and she clings to him as his tongue invades her mouth. His taste is everywhere and she moans as she feels his cock rubbing against her as he grinds her into the closed door.

He is forceful but only to a point – he manoeuvres her body this way and that as he pulls at the zipper on the back of her uniform, but in doing so he causes her head to bang hard against the closed door and she hisses as she begins to laugh, rubbing at the sore spot. He apologises in between kisses and pulls her off the wall to walk them backwards over to the bed.

She tries to pull her dress down one-handed but from her clinging position around his neck she can’t get it any further down than her shoulders and she groans in frustration when she gets one of her arms stuck in the sleeve. She is still so absorbed in kissing him, in exploring his mouth and all of its textures and contours that when Spock reaches the bed she is unprepared for how her world tilts forwards suddenly and they both land painfully on the bed, her elbow knocking into his chin and his knee jamming painfully into her shins as they sprawl over each other.

She is laughing hysterically and Spock lets out a grunt or two that says he is in agreement with the absurdity of the situation.

‘’Do you think that maybe we’re a bit too eager?’’ she chortles and he huffs as she lays down on his chest, her arm and elbow still stuck in her sleeve and she listens to his distant heartbeat pitter-patter about as it echoes in his ribcage.

‘’Perhaps…’’ he muses with a small smile and she scoots off him slowly, making sure that neither of her knees hit him in his sensitive areas and when she is fully up right, she frees herself from her sleeve and lets her dress slip down to her hips. Spock quirks a brow at her as she stands before him in her bra and what now constitutes as badly made skirt.

‘’Sit up for me.’’ She asks him quietly and she licks her lips as he complies. He seats himself on the edge of the bed, his feet firmly planted on the ground as with a final breath of _no going back now_ – she bends over and undoes her boots, kicking them to the side as she shimmies out of her uniform.

She feels the first tingle of a blush spread over her skin as she stands in front of him in nothing but her underwear and she makes sure to keep eye contact with him as she kneels in front of him. Her golden locks fall forward as she unties the laces on his boots and she hears his breath stutter as she looks up at him. Removing his socks and moving his shoes to the side she slowly runs her hands up his ankles, his strong, defined calves all the way up to his thighs until she is leaning over him, back on her feet.

She kisses him softly at first, her lips teasing and tasting, and the tip of her tongue flicking over the end of his own as she fuses their mouths together. Jim’s fingers trail down over his muscular arms and she fingers the hem of his shirt at his waist. It takes him but a moment to grasp what she wants and he lifts his arms as she removes his shirt. Spock’s hair is ruffled and his mouth has fallen open in desire as she straddles him. Jim’s fingers rake through the dark hair on his chest and he hisses as she passes over his nipples, her fingers rubbing down his ribcage and back up again to tangle in his hair.

She arches her back as his hands lift from their clenched position on the sheets and at the first touch of his long, nimble fingers skimming her sides she keens quietly into his mouth as she feels him move to the clasp on her bra. He removes it slowly, keeping his eyes on hers and when he encircles both of her wrists within his hands, she closes her eyes as he makes her lean back.

His breath is sharply drawn into his lungs and she wonders belatedly if he will like what he sees. The first wet, stroke of his tongue along her neck causes her to shudder, her head falling to the side as keeps her in place by her wrists. His tongue trails down to her collarbones until finally she feels him latch on her to nipple. He sucks on her breast with a moan of satisfaction and as he twirls the nub around with his tongue she feels herself become wet between her legs and she rocks slowly into his erection, his own hips echoing her movements.

‘’Spock…’’ she whispers hoarsely as he delivers a swift bite to her other breast at the smell of her arousal and the shock of the pain and pleasure combined makes them both grunt as their feelings are shared.

‘’You are stunning, my Jim.’’ She hears and she pulls her arms up, his hands releasing her wrists and she grins when he cradles her ass in his hands, kneading and squeezing her globes as she sucks lightly on his lower lip.

‘’Spock… would it… is it too late to tell you that I’m in love with you?’’ she breathes into his mouth and she is pushed back so that he can fully see her face.

‘’Truly?’’ he asks as he holds her face in his hands and when she nods shyly he smiles at her. A full blown smile that warms her body more than any fire could ever do and her mouth is once again captured and he is pressing insistently against and into her.

‘’I wish to claim you, my Jim. I want to make you mine. I want to be inside of you in every way that I can. Inside your body, inside your mind… inside your heart.’’ He groans as she presses her hips down onto his cock.

‘’Do it, Spock. Make me yours.’’ She says huskily and she is lifted and placed on her back onto the bed.

He crawls on top of her and she takes a moment to undo the buttons on his pants, surprised when she sees no underwear and instead eyes the silken, green tinged head of his cock which appears as she pushes his pants down his hips, his pale defined ass being exposed inch by inch as she lowers the material. His hand joins her in removing them and when with a bit of manoeuvring he kicks them completely off she moves her arm between his crouched position above her to touch his dangling cock.

She hums as she feels the weight of his cock, lying heavy and hot in her palm and she swipes a thumb over the head, thrilled when she feels his own wetness appear the more she rubs back and forth against the tip.

‘’Jim… do not tease..’’ he begs with his eyes closed, the green of his cock matching the green spread over his cheekbones and ears.

She wraps her fingers around his girth and pumps him slowly, twisting her wrist slightly at the end of each stroke and his breath becomes laboured the more she stimulates him. He leans down to place his nose in her neck and he mouths there as she continues to handle his cock when with an abrupt movement, he leans back and hooks his thumbs into her own underwear and rips each side. Jim gasps as the material is moved off of her with a swipe of his hand and as his index fingers trails teasing over her clit, she struggles to keep herself from rushing him.

She removes her hand from his cock and brings it up to clutch at his head as he dips his finger further and further into her wet, slick entrance. Jim writhes as he spreads her open, one finger then two until he is knuckle deep in her warmth and his body is shaking from the effort it must be taking him to control himself.

‘’Spock... please… now. Don’t tease…’’ she implores and he kisses her roughly, his teeth scraping against her lips. She spreads her legs wider and as he hovers over her, in between them she sees him reach down to palm his own cock, tugging and positioning himself at her entrance.

‘’Jim…’’ he pants into her mouth as he breaches the first inch of wetness and heat and she lifts her legs higher as she arches into his entry of her body.

She feels his hand close over her hip and he pulls her down firmly as he himself pushes his cock deeper and steadily inside of her. When he is fully seated inside of her she screams a silent yes and she has the extreme pleasure of hearing him curse out loud.

‘’ _Fuuuck_ …’’ he draws out in a moan and her eyes roll back in her head as she adjusts to feel of him inside of her.

He moves inside of her, each drag of his penis against the walls of her vagina a delicious scraping of sensation and she crosses her ankles above his tailbone as he keeps hold of her hip, using her body to gain momentum in his thrusts.

She is not able to concentrate on kissing him, his head moving from her breasts, to her neck, to her lips with such speed she wonders how he can keep his focus on moving his hips. He takes his time to rub her, flick her, bite her and mark and with each new sensation she draws closer to cumming.

‘’Jim… meld… now… please…’’ he grits out and she nods enthusiastically even if he can’t see whilst reaching for his hand and bringing it to her face. Once again, the world as she knows it disappears from sight and she just _… is_.

_They are._

_Together._

_One being._

One mass of sensation as she feels what he feels when her walls grip his cock, how he feels what she feels when his finger rubs over her clit and as they approach their peak, she opens her eyes inside of the meld and her surroundings are bathed in brilliant, startling white before her vision is filled with bursts of colour as she clenches in orgasm around his member.

He is cumming inside of her, emptying himself with wild, abandoned thrusts as her walls convulse and milk him of his seed. She distantly hears him muttering words, expletives and compliments all within the same breath but all she can hear and feel is her heartbeat as it races alongside his own.

_You are mine._

_Yes!_

_You will always be mine._

_Yes!_

_._

_._

_._

_I love you, my Jim._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this a long time in cumming or was this like a long time in cumming? Ha! Ugh... Im not funny... sorry. Ahem... anyway.. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I wrote it all today and it took me a grand total of seven and a half hours of solid writing to get this all out. Good news though, I got the permanent position after some very angsty days at work where they wanted to put me on a 6am to 2pm shift which I am unable to do due to transport issues - so I thought I would have to quit... but finally on Thursday they told me that I can instead do 12-8pm shifts so now im much happier and i'm apparrantly a fully functional adult now according to my partner.
> 
> So they finally had sex. Whoop! Was it bad? Did I like, completely mess up and ruin smut for you forever? Do let me know what you think please. This is not the last sex scene for those of you who have come for the 'explicit sexual content' tag so have no fear... Spock's cock will appear! 
> 
> Shit... I suck at jokes.
> 
> Anyway... Next chapter should be up next week sometime. Thank you for reading!


	23. Chapter 23

‘ _’What have you done ,Nyota?!’’ Ambassador Sarek all but shouts at her as he pins her to the wall, her struggling only urging him to hold her tighter, refusing to let her get away until she explains herself. He is covered in green blood, his hair is in disarray and he scowls at her as she opens her mouth._

_Her response is to laugh… and laugh… and laugh…_

_*******************************************_

_Eighteen hours earlier_

********************************************

‘’Mmm… Spock?’’ Jim yawns as she turns her head to look over her shoulder, his repeated kisses to her naked back a thoroughly welcome and pleasurable way to wake up.

She is bone tired; aching in places she never knew existed until last night. Spocks hand rubs over her ribs, beneath the swell of her breast and down to her hip bones before cradling her stomach beneath her navel in his palm and she hums in contentment.

‘’I apologise for waking you.’’ His deep voice rumbles in her ear as he trails his kisses back up to capture her mouth in a sweet good morning greeting.

‘’S’not a bad way to wake up... not bad at all.’’ She covers another yawn with her hand and rolls over to face him, both her arms now trapped between their two naked bodies and she cards her finger through the dusting of hair on his chest.

‘’How are you feeling this morning?’’ he asks quietly as his arm moves up to stroke her bed-hair back and away from her face.

‘’A little sore… but that’s to be expected when you stay up all night with an insatiable Vulcan.’’ She hums with laughter as he ducks his head into the pillow and huffs out air in embarrassment.

‘’If I recall correctly, you initiated the last two encounters with filthy words and great enthusiasm.’’

‘’Very true.’’ She breathes as she manoeuvres herself on top of him, feeling his cock stir again when she positions herself over it and she grins when he purrs lowly in his chest.

‘’Can we just stay here all day?’’ she asks as she leans down on her elbows, her lower half grinding down on him and he hisses softly as she begins to bite down on his neck.

‘’The thought is very appealing to me, however we have exactly one hour and twenty five minutes until we have to present ourselves to my father.’’

‘’Spock, don’t talk about your father in bed.’’ She moans into his neck as his hands slip beneath her body to pluck and twist at her hardened nipples.

‘’As you wish.’’ He sighs into her mouth as she reaches down to grab his now fully hard cock and lowers herself onto it, her knees drawing tightly together against his thighs as he pushes up against her with his hips.

She winces slightly, the previous night’s sex having left her sensitive and when his shaft his hallway inside of her she leans back and presses her hands down on his chest as she begins to bounce slowly up and down on top of him. She can hear the mewls of pleasure he makes as they leave his mouth, how his head falls backs and his eyes close as she takes him to the hilt. He shuffles her forwards by her ass as he brings his knees up, using his feet on the bed as leverage to piston into her as she drops down.

While she had intended to take her time, to slowly drive him to madness, their need for each other was still too new, to frenzied and their rhythm ended up as fast paced as the beatings of their hearts. His hand which had been plastered to her ass, aiding in their movements, dropped and slipped around to her front and she threw back her head as he toyed with her clit, his thumb a blur of movement as he matched the pace of their thrusting hips.

She shouts his name as she comes and he growls when he feels her convulse around him. He reaches up to grab at the back of her neck and he leans forward to plunder her mouth as he pulls her down and with a final few jittery bursts of his hips, he fills her with his seed for the fourth time in as many hours. She giggles quietly as he continues to purr and growl out his own orgasm and when she feels him still she rotates her hips on top of him and his brow rises in question.

‘’You are amused.’’

‘’Yup.’’

‘’May I ask why?’’

‘’Because, Spock… I think you’ve ruined me for all men forever.’’

He snarls as he flips her over and pins her hands above her head and her eyes widen as he nips possessively at the crease between her shoulder and neck.

‘’That is just as well, because you will never again experience any others touch except for my own.’’

‘’That a promise?’’

‘’Yes.’’ He murmurs lovingly and she cannot help but wrap him in her arms and coo quietly into his ear that she will hold him to that promise.

*****************************************

After a shower where they lingered and caressed longer than they should have, they dressed each other with care and shared a shallow meld of renewed promises and fevered kisses before leaving to join Sarek and Selek for breakfast. As promised to Chris, she kept her distance from Spock while walking around the base but every once in a while she would find her hand on his leg as they sat and spoke to his father, or she would straighten a crease on his uniform as they stood in the lifts.

She couldn’t keep her hands to herself and she would apologise profusely each time it happened but Spock would simply look at her with his head cocked to the side - his amusement clear in eyes - as well as the shared need to touch reflected back at her.

Not that she could blame herself for her new found weakness, Spock had had many years of training and discipline when it came to avoiding touch as well as initiating it. As with supper the previous night, conversation over her bacon and eggs was a mixture of childhood stories, pregnancy symptoms and teasing Spock about his territorial urges.

As conversation flowed, she wrapped both arms around her stomach, doubling over with laughter. Listening to the younger and older Spock heatedly debating about who would make the better mate for her considering that they were essentially the same person was endlessly amusing to her.

It only took three cracks in his tea cup before she decided that she had better call a halt to their bickering before someone got hurt. She noted how often Spock had started to tense and bristle at her side and she bid a hasty goodbye to the pair, gripping onto Spock’s bicep and pulling him away from the table, the look in his eyes thunderous and thoroughly displeased.

If she found herself up against a wall with her legs wrapped around his waist and his pants down by ankles ten minutes later in a cleaning cupboard, she certainly wasn’t going to complain. His hands were everywhere and his snarling whispers of possession and irritation in her ear at his counterparts words were all she could hear as he claimed her again.

His apology while they were redressing  was a stuttering, faltering mess and her heart swelled with love as his face tinged greener the longer he rambled on. In the end, the only thing she could do to get him to shut up was to kiss him and place his hands on her stomach, projecting peace and reassurance that she didn’t mind in the slightest that he had just fucked her amongst brooms and sodden mop heads.

***************************************************

‘’Crap… how long until the gala starts?’’ she shouts from the bathroom and Spock winces as his delicate ears amplify the sounds. Instead of answering her in a returning shout he walks into the bathroom and leans against the door, his heart stuttering as he sees her stand before the mirror.

He cannot fathom how it came to be that he has never looked upon her and _not_ thought of her as exquisitely beautiful. How he had never noticed his _T’hy’la_ walk the halls beside him was absolutely ridiculous. As he looks at her now, her hair dried and curled high atop her head, ringlets framing her face he fights off the urge to take her again over the bathroom sink.

‘’We have thirty-five minutes before we are required to make an appearance, however I believe it is a woman’s prerogative to be fashionably late.’’

He sees her smile reflected in the mirror and he revels in the colour that spreads over her half naked body the longer he stares at her.

‘’Spock… I love you, I do… but I don’t think I can go another round right now, which is what will happen if you don’t stop staring at me like that.’’ She says breathlessly and he enters the small room, invading her personal space, the sleek black material of his tuxedo a startling contrast to the honey-gold of her bare skin as he moulds himself to her back.

‘’I am simply admiring your beauty. I am capable of retraining myself, contrary to what you may think.’’ He smirks and she rolls her eyes at him.

‘’Flattery will get you everywhere, Mister Spock.’’ She exaggerates the fluttering of her eyelashes to which he responds by minutely rolling his own eyes back at her.

‘’I hope this thing tonight doesn’t take too long. I’ll do my bit and shake hands and smile but as soon as that damn dinner is done, I want nothing more than to go back to my ship and settle in for the night with you next to me.’’ She says as she rummages about in a toiletry bag for her makeup.

He steps away from her and he laughs silently at each curse she gives when she cannot get her eyeliner even and he is equally fascinated and amused by the faces she pulls when she applies her mascara. Seeing her mouth in such a circular shape has his body temperature rising a fraction more than he is accustomed to and he uncharacteristically clears his throat to dispel the appealing thoughts that form in his mind's eye.

They had not taken to delving too deeply in their sexual relationship, there were still new things and places to explore and taste and he briefly regretted that he had not taken more time during the previous night’s escapades to explore further. He would need to rectify this matter at the next available opportunity.

‘’Spock! Did you hear me? Can you zip me up?’’ he hears his mate ask and in his inattention she has somehow managed to slip on a dress and was pointing frantically to the back of her neck.

He snaps to attention, his years of listening to her commands as ingrained in him as his body is used to breathing. He touches the silken material of her silver-white dress and zips it up to the top. As she turns she holds her arms out and it takes him a moment to interpret that she is awaiting some form of compliment or remark about how she currently looks.

‘’You are incredibly beautiful, my Jim.’’ He purrs as she blushes and looks to her feet.

‘’Thank you, Spock.’’

‘’However….’’

‘’Oh, no... what... do I look weird? It’s my hair isn’t it? Dammitt, I knew I should have had Christine do it for me – ‘’

‘’Negative, there is nothing wrong per say… however…’’ Spock briefly bites down on his lip before nodding his head in silent decision of what to say next.

‘’I am… displeased with the slit in your dress. Must it be as high as your hip bone?’’ he asks rather hesitantly and when she folds her arms and sticks out her hip in her characteristic ‘are you kidding me right now’ pose that he has come to know well,  he feels a brief moment of panic that perhaps he has once again over-stepped in their relationship.

‘’Look at it this way, I have feeling that tonight I may end up shaking more than hands than I would ever care to, not to mention kissing cheeks or accepting hugs from people I knew back in my academy days… the slit in my dress –‘’ she points down to her exposed leg ‘’ _this_ is so that you have unfettered access to me at any time and in any way you please. Considering your cave man routine in the broom cupboard earlier, I thought you would be proud that I would think this far ahead.’’

‘’I-I… thank you.’’ He says feeling a touch chagrined but he somehow still cannot help but feel unsettled that his mate will be so exposed to the eyes of others.

He opens his mouth to foolishly argue – _plead_ \- with her further about perhaps choosing a different garment but he is mercifully stopped from making such an error when he hears the door chime.

‘’Jim! Kid, you in there?’’

‘’Ah! Shit, forgot Bones was coming round to head through with us.’’ Jim mutters as she walks past him. He grabs her arm and spins her around for a quick, thorough kiss. She winds her fingers into his hair and chuckles at him, a finger tapping him on the nose in reprimand.

‘’Behave Spock.’’

He follows out after her and when she lets the doctor through the doors he clasps his hands behind his back and straightens his posture, his face a blank slate.

‘’You look great, Jim. You almost ready to go?’’ the man asks his mate and he successfully remains calm when Jim is pulled into a hug.

‘’You’re looking quite dashing Bones, I don’t see you in a suit often.’’ Jim smirks and Spock can’t help feel jealous that she hasn’t commented on his own appearance.

_Illogical. It matters not what he looks like. These are just clothes that are appropriate for the event that they were about to intend. It did not matter if his mate found these clothes attractive or not._

He sucks his lower lip back in when he feels it protrude outwards in a pout.

‘’Spock…’’ the man greeted and he inclined his head in response, not having any words for the man at this moment in time.

‘’Can I speak to you alone Jim?’’

‘’Sure Bones… Uh, Spock… I’ll catch up with you okay?’’

‘’ _Jim_ …’’ Spock almost whines before realising that he had no logical reason not to comply with her request and he narrows his eyes at the doctor in warning. He pauses at the door and she holds out two fingers to which he presses back against gratefully.

‘’Do not take too long, Captain.’’

                                                                                *******************            

‘’How you feeling, Jim? Any nausea? Headaches?’’ Bones asks and she laughs when he whips out his scanner from god knows where and gives her a once over.

She is even more amused when the readings show various bruises on certain body parts and how his eyebrows come down so low over his face that she has to bend at her knees a bit to look him in the eyes.

‘’You screwing the hobgoblin?’’ he grunts out roughly and she folds her arms beneath her breasts and takes a stance of defiance. _What the hell was with all the men? She was an adult dammit!_

‘’Yeah… and?’’

‘’You didn’t think to come to me first to find out if you’re both healthy enough for it?! There are tests I need to run _dammit!_ Like STD’S and allergies for Vulcan semen… and … and… _good lord_! I can’t believe you bumping uglies with Spock.’’ He hisses out and her mouth drops open as he pulls a small silver flask from his breast pocket and drinks in gulps.

‘’You sayin I’m ugly Bones?’’ she grits out and his eyes snap up to meet hers.

‘’No… you know what I mean! I … I just wanted you tell me, because I’m your doctor… and because, because you’re my friend Jim and I want, no, I need to know that you’re happy.’’ He says more to the flask than to her as he twists it around between his fingers.

‘’Bones, it only happened last night… and you knew, on some level that Spock and I would both take this step…’’

‘’I’m just afraid that he’s gonna hurt you darlin’… and I’m too pretty to go to a penal colony.’’ He grouses and she throws her head back and chuckles loudly to the ceiling.

‘’Oh, Bones… if he does hurt me, then I’ll deal with that. I’m an adult and part of being an adult is taking risks.’’

‘’You won’t have to deal with it alone, Jim.’’ He says quietly as he puts his flask back in his pocket and she envelops him in a hug, squeezing him tightly. He chuffs at her and pats her back as he grumbles into her hair.

‘’As long as you’re happy, Jim. Just… try to remember… well, that I’m your best friend…’’

‘’And you will always be my best friend Bones. Nothing is ever gonna change that. You and me, we’re in this friendship for life. You get that right? No matter what Spock says or does in the coming months… ‘’

‘’I haven’t got much ‘sides you, Jim. Joanna… well, I aint gonna see her again for a long, long time and by the time I do see her again…’’

‘’Hey, at least you’ll have one more family member soon… technically two, if Spock and I do the whole… you know, bonding thing.’’

‘’Sheesh, hobgoblins in the family… ’’ He grunts but she can tell he is joking by the look in his eyes.

She sits on the edge of the bed and reaches down to put on her heels which she will no doubt later regret wearing as the night drags on and she grumbles irritably as she struggles with the clasp at the side of her ankle.

‘’Here let me… honestly, what would you do without me, Jim.’’ He tuts as he bends down and secures her shoes to her feet.

‘’Well I’ll never have to worry about that, now will I?’’ she asks to his bent head in front of her and he laughs.

‘’No, you won’t.’’ He says simply and as he stands he holds out his arm and she links with him as she takes her first teetering steps in her heels.

‘’I’ve got you Jim. Don’t worry darlin’’ he says as he holds her steady.

She gives him a kiss on his stubbly cheek and laughs when he struggles to remove her lipstick from his skin.

************************************************

He has been waiting for her by the turbolift for fifteen minutes and within that timeframe he has cursed and blessed his logical and half-human mind numerous times. He has envisioned illogical and wildly irrational fantasies in his head where the doctor and Jim are locked in a passionate embrace, only to berate himself a moment later for not trusting her. He was thoroughly fed up and beyond tired of how Jim’s pregnancy was altering his personality.

Mine he growled lowly as he saw her approach on the arm of McCoy and she mercifully let go of the man and joined him at his side. He immediately stepped closer, their shoulders brushing and he dropped his right hand and discreetly pressed a kiss against her wrist as she continued to talk with the doctor in low tones.

‘’Shall we get going then?’’ she asks them and he steps into the lift against the wall and he is gratified when she stands in front of him, their bodies pressed together as they allow McCoy and two others to join them.

‘’What’s first then? We mingle and then sit down and eat?’’ McCoy asks and Spock nods, his attention divided between the freckles on the back of his mates neck and the dulcet tones of the doctors voice.

‘’I believe we shall first engage in the customary meeting and greeting of all diplomats over a glass of alcohol and from there we will be taken into the dining area, where the Captain and Admiral Komack will present their speeches to the audience. It will most likely be a … tiresome… affair.’’

‘’Well aint it lucky for you that Vulcans don’t get tired, eh Spock?’’

‘’As you say McCoy.’’

‘’Well good for you guys! This speech is gonna be a pain in my ass – and you better not laugh at me Bones! – So suck it up and we’ll get through it.’’

‘’Whatever you say darlin’ – Don’t you growl at me Mister Spock! – damn territorial green blooded –

‘’Bones!’’

‘’Cease touching my –

‘’Spock! Seriously!’’

The lift opens and he watches his mate march away from them grumbling under her breath about boys pretending to be men.

 

                                                                                                                                               ***********

 _Twenty-three…_ she has shaken twenty-three hands, kissed fourteen cheeks and been embraced by no less than _seven different people_ in the span of two hours and he is practically vibrating on the spot from irritation. His hands are wringing wrinkles into the sleeves of his suit as he repeatedly tugs at the fabric each time she touches another person without his consent and his facial muscles are positively _aching_ from containing the twitch in his jaw. His father and his counterpart had taken to joining their group, herding away exuberant fans of his mate and quietly scolding him whenever he overstepped or displayed emotion.

He grimaced slightly as he remembered how Jim had moved a well-placed heel into his foot during one greeting and how she had then taken to separating herself from him out of irritation at his behaviour and actions.

He prayed to Surak that she would understand that he does not do this willingly, that he does not mean to annoy or anger her or worse yet – undermine her position and he hangs his head in defeat as she shoots him another glare from the bar.

As angry as she is with him, her face portraying as much  - she is still the most beautiful creature he has ever seen.

He espies a familiar face from the corner of his eye and he takes a step forward as his senses go on alert – the appearance of the person similar to that of one that he had hoped to never lay eyes on again. Within two blinks he is searching the room and he is unsettled when he can no longer locate what could be a potential threat to his mate and unborn child.

‘’Ladies and gentlemen. If you would all be so kind as to take your seats in the dining room.’’

He makes his way to Jim, avoiding and yet pushing his way through the people clamouring to get one last beverage and when he reaches her he places a hand on the small of her back and she turns to look up at him.

‘’Captain.’’

‘’Mister Spock.’’

He sees the ire in her eyes and yet he can also feel through their touch that she does understand but she nevertheless doesn’t like it when he behaves this way. He sighs gratefully when she leans into him and prolongs their touch.

He leads her into the hall, never removing his hand and stoically ignores the whispers and looks they receive as they enter the room together. Spock raises an eyebrow as he hears Admiral Pike laugh and upon reaching their designated table, he pulls out his Captain’s chair and waits until she is seated before taking up the chair beside her.

As the lights dim and conversation starts to once again flow over wine and food – his skin prickles as he keeps catching glimpses of shadows and movements in the darkness. When Jim places a discreet hand on his knee he forces himself to relax his shoulders and pay better attention to his immediate surroundings.

His mate is deep in discussion with the Andorian and Risian delegates and he chimes in accordingly with his opinion on their tourist industry and how to better protect their trade and he is gratified when her earlier look of displeasure towards him is once again the soft, warm gaze that he has come to associate with her and how she looks at him. He shares a moment of mild annoyance with his counterpart as the humans begin to clink their forks against wine glasses.

‘’I’d like to thank you all for being here. It is truly a wonderful thing, when all races; all species from every corner of the galaxy are able to meet and to do so peacefully. While I will try not to keep you too long from the splendid food that our hosts have provided us with – we do however have a few words and key points that we – Starfleet – would like to make while we have you all gathered here. So without further ado – May I introduce, the youngest, bravest finest Captain of this generation – Captain Kirk!’’

Spock feels her remove her hand from his leg and he misses her touch instantaneously. She stands and makes her way to the podium which Admiral Komack had just vacated.

Although he knows that his Captains speech had been pre-written and designed to reflect Starfleet and what it stood for in the best possible light – he was immensely proud of the confident, capable woman addressing the room with enthusiasm and conviction. She would draw laughs from every joke she made and nods of agreement from every valid point she brought forth and by the end of her speech the entire room was enraptured by the sound of her voice, by the belief in the words as she spoke them.

If he felt it was illogical to stand and applaud at the conclusion of someone’s speech he would never dare to mention it to her – simply because he was hard pressed not to join in on the positive feelings she had so effortlessly inspired in the others around him.

‘’Thank you, Captain Kirk. As a token of gratitude for your dedication to the service we would like to present you with a small gift – where is it – ah, here he comes!’’ Spock listens to the Admiral say and in silent horror he watches the man who had once abducted his mate approach her from behind.

He stands and intends to yell out to her to turn and flee, to reach out for her and protect her when suddenly the room is awash with noise and people screaming as one by one the King’s Brothers men pull out their weapons and point them around the room.

 _Not again_ he whispers frantically to himself as he sees Jim turn around to face her attacker, her hands positioned up in surrender as a phaser points directly at her stomach.

‘’Stop moving right now- or we’ll kill you all!’’ the King’s brother shouts and the room becomes silent as men console their sobbing and startled wives. ‘’All we want is the Captain. The rest of you can do as you please.’’

‘’Th’aark… contact our ship and tell them we have the package. Now!’’

Spock is pulled into his territorial urges and drowns in them with wild abandonment as he roars in outrage when the King’s brother slaps Jim hard across the cheek and he is stopped from approaching when he is encircled by three men, their weapons aiming at his head and his heart clenches with pain as he hears his mate call out his name.

‘’Spock. Stay where you are. That’s an order goddammit!’’

‘’Ah yes, the man of the hour. I have to say… I did not enjoy our last meeting _Vulcan_. I have _heard so much_ _about you_ but I have to say… I am rather disappointed now that I look upon you again. You are not worthy of this beautiful creature.’’

Spock cannot look away from his mate, how the man’s hands are on her face, forcing her to look at him and he is immensely pleased when Jim manages to land a solid blow into the solar plexus of the assailant behind her with her elbow.

‘’Du’rio… are we ready?’’ the King’s brother laughs at her antics and a guard nearby nods enthusiastically.

‘’YesSir!’’

‘’Good. Now then… me and _my_ mate will leave you all in peace. Know that if you follow I have taken the time to plant numerous devices of the exploding kind in and around _all_ essential areas of this base.’’ He smirks and Spock grunts as the goon in front of him shoves him hard with end of his weapon to back away as he again attempts to reach her.

‘’CAPTAIN! JIM!’’ Spock shouts and his horror is amplified a thousand fold into sheer _terror_ as the guards begin to converge on the makeshift stage – similar to how a landing party is prepared for beaming.

‘’Ah, one more thing… ‘’ the king’s brother tuts and he releases his hold on Jim, pushing her struggling and seething form into the arms of another brute. He steps down from the raised platform and stands directly in front of Spock, the guards on him separating and moving away from him as they make way for their leader.

‘’I can _smell you_ all over her Vulcan. This I cannot allow… _ever again_!’’ He spits acidly as he raises his weapon and fires.

Spock can hear his mate shouting, her shrill screams of his name louder than any sound he has ever heard.

He can hear the gasps from other hostages…

He can feel the pain he is in…

He can see the green blood on his hands as he clutches them to his side …

He can feel…

He can see…

..

..

_Jim…_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm.... Enjoy? If anyones even still reading? Its... uh, been a while since i last updated. Sorry...


	24. Chapter 24

 

He cannot tolerate her laughter _any longer_.

It grates at him in a way that he has never experienced as Vulcan. All his years of discipline, of living by logic, codes and ethics are shattered at the sound of her high pierced cackling. It is abundantly clear to him that she has been afflicted by a broken link, the consequences having driven her to do unquestionable things and lose what little of herself that was left.

Once he would have been proud to call her daughter.

As he holds her still against the wall, he is half tempted to cover her gaping mouth with his hand but  he instead pauses a moment to consider what he is about to do. Yes, he may be an Ambassador for Vulcan. Yes, he may have amnesty against all things should he be apprehended or accused – however to force yourself _on and into_ another’s mind was a heinous act, a terrible sin as a Vulcan and even his titles as Son of Skonn, Son of T’Pau could not protect him should he do more harm than good, in entering this tormented woman’s mind.

The bright green blood of his son, which now stains the robes he wears, was beginning to dry and darken, caking off into crusty flakes which flitted to the floor each time Nyota struggled against him. The sight of it was the second most ghastly thing he has witnessed in his lifetime.

He grabs hold of her wrists, holding them tightly behind her back with one hand whilst pressing his shoulder into her body- effectively pinning her against the wall. He lifts his trembling hand and with trepidation he was unaccustomed to feeling, he enters the unknown with a single touch upon her face.

                                                                                *************

His first conscious thought as he open his eyes is just how tremendously cold it was. His bare feet are hidden beneath slick, oily sludge and he recoils as the liquid seems to come to life and move around him. He has been inside several minds that have been broken, minds which were suffering loss or heartbreak and he lets loose a small sigh of regret that Nyota’s has transformed into this nightmare of malice. He moves slowly around the withered landscape, taking in the trees that hang low to the ground; the shrivelled and dried bark creaking ominously as he passes them.

The wind blows fiercely the further along he treads, icy gusts that make him flinch as they penetrate his skin like needles and his eyes strain as they seek out light. It is terribly dark, his keen Vulcan eyes are of no use here as he makes his way slowly towards the only source of light he can see flickering off in the distance.

He ducks and weaves between the dead braches overhanging the river of oil and he falters in his steps as he picks up on the first whisper that assault his ears. Laughing whispers, hissing and shrill screams rise in a crescendo as he pushes forward until _finally_ he sees dry land.  He espies a hill whereupon a large baobab tree stands, its trunk the width of two men, the gnarled roots sticking up precariously frown the ground. The fruit for which this tree was widely known, lies rotten on the ground, fermenting and he frowns minutely as he sees all manner of larvae and insects crawl out from them as he draws closer.

He grabs the first root he sees and cautiously he pulls himself up and out. He breathes a sigh of relief when he steps away from the riverbank, the illogical fear he felt as he was wading through the deepening water receding as he centres his mind once more. Gazing up at the tree he detects the flickering of light he had seen earlier, pulsing methodically from within the core. Through the cracks and missing shards of wood he places a hand upon the blackened bark and for the second time this day he fights the urge to weep as the light glows through the crevices.

_So much sorrow. So much pain._

_Too much hate for one person to carry._

He focuses his mind on connecting with what must be the centre of hers, studiously ignoring how quickly the oil he has just left was beginning to rise around him, the waves lapping at the sides of the hill, whispering for him to come back.

Each root of this baobab tree was a part of her mind and he marvelled at the intricate system before him. Nyota’s memories, her emotions, her thoughts, her subconscious, her dreams and wishes all intertwining and merging together. With his hand upon the tree he can feel how the roots extend miles upon miles under and out around him to each corner of her mindscape. He desires _desperately_ to know what part she had played in tonight’s events and sinking down onto his knees, he places his other hand on root beside his left knee, accessing her memories.

                                                                ******************

He is on earth. Perhaps in a hospital of some sort and he uncharacteristically jolts in surprise as a nurse rushes through him. He is here… and yet he is not. He can see all but can be seen by no one. He hears the familiar sounds of a woman's heels upon a waxed floor approach him from behind and he turns to inspect the noise. Nyota walks towards him, a woven basket of fruit and other assortments of foods nestled within, cradled in her arms. She has a small smile on her face, her dark hair loose upon her shoulders and silently he follows after her as she enters a room to his right.

He draws up short when he sees who the occupant of the room is and he involuntarily takes a step forward as he makes out Jim’s golden hair, spread out across the blue of the hospital’s pillow. He realises belatedly that he has travelled further back in Nyota’s memories than he had meant to.

However perhaps he must start at the beginning to fully understand the end results.

He watches transfixed as Nyota smooths down Captain Kirks hair, how she takes the comatose woman’s hands in her own, applying cream and massaging slowly. Nyota hums quietly beside Kirk’s bedside and every so often he watches Nyota’s eyes flick over to the monitor as if though to reassure herself that the woman was still alive.

_How curious that Nyota would treat her this way. He had been under the impression that Nyota had never once harboured any sentimental or emotion attachment to his sons mate and yet here she was. Dutiful and beloved friend._

Time passes slowly around him and he clasps his hands in front of him as he waits for what must be some pivotal moment. Someone or something would start this chain reaction of events and he reluctantly admitted that he would want to have words with whoever this person was. He is astounded to see his son… No, _Ambassador Selek_ , enter the room and he redundantly steps to the side as the Vulcan walks past him and settles next to Captain Kirk. At first he is confused when they begin to speak, the sounds muffled and muted and he watches avidly as the two exchange words when suddenly, with crystal clear clarity he hears the words T’hy’la.

_‘She is your T’hy’la?’_

_‘Jim… is and is not and will always be regardless of time or place, my T’hy’la.’_

Sarek’s eyes widen as the older version of his son leans down to place a gentle kiss on the Captains forehead. He hears the familiar words of a Vulcan prayer wishing long life and consistent good health being whispered and he turns his head away from the blatant emotion of love and adoration showing on the other Vulcans face.

_‘That means that… that she is… That Spock and her…’_

_‘’Yes… and no. Do you believe in destiny, Miss Uhura?’_

_‘’N-no.’’_

_‘’I believe. I will always believe.’_

Sarek holds in a startled gasp when the world around him blurs unexpectedly and he grabs hold of _nothing_ in his attempt to keep himself upright. He begins to feel a swell of nausea circle through his system and just when he thinks that he will mentally expel his last meal, he thankfully finds himself sitting in what is no doubt the Enterprise’s mess hall. He is seated at a table, his son to his to his right and Nyota across from him. As with the memory before, the sound around him is garbled and unclear until with a minute force of focus on his part it all comes together.

_‘What were you doing with Kirk earlier?’_

_‘The Captain and I were discussing a delicate matter. I am sorry to say that she has asked me not to divulge this information until she is ready to do so herself.’_

_‘Surely you can tell your fiancée, Spock.’_

_‘’Nyota, it is not that I do not trust you to hold this secret, simply that I am not comfortable with betraying my Captains confidence and trust in me.’_

_‘Fine.’_

_‘Nyota, I am confused as to why you have suddenly become aggressive. I meant no disrespect. The Captain is my friend and I am simply trying to adhere to the norm of what transpires in a human friendship.’_

_‘I was under the impression that Vulcan’s do not need friends.’_

_‘Yes… however as you are aware, I am not fully Vulcan.’_

Sarek flinches internally at his sons final comment, the shame he had buried within himself for not defending his son when he was younger rearing its head and he wishes dearly that he could turn back time to alter the outcome of his sons childhood. He looks up in confusion when Nyota stands and abruptly leaves the table, her body language suggesting that she is frustrated with the conversation that had just been had. As she leaves he has one final moment to witness the lost look on his sons face before he is once again transported to another memory.

The nausea has abated and he opens his eyes. He is standing on the bridge of the enterprise. His son is in the Captains seat. He is immediately concerned when he sees Spock’s pale and drained complexion, the dark green bags beneath his eyes and the clenched curve of his hands as he repeatedly flexes them on the arm of the chair.

_‘Report!’_

_‘’Sir, Commander Spock… we cannae find her sir! We have tried to alter all settins’ but nothin’ is showing her location.’_

_‘’Captain Kirk may possess many talents but I do not believe she possesses the ability to make herself disappear into thin air. Find her Mister Scott.’’_

_‘Spock… you need to rest. Please ashaya.’_

_‘Lieutenant Uhura, I do not require rest at this time. Until the Captain has been safely beamed aboard from the planet Borellus I will remain on duty. I have no further words to say on this matter. You are dismissed back to your station.’_

_‘Sir.’_

Sarek walks the length and breadth of the bridge, circling the crew unawares as he waits with bated breath for news. He knows the outcome of this ordeal. She will be found and no lasting damage will have been dealt to her and yet here in this moment, it all feels real. The nervousness, the stench of fear emanating from the crew member seem to clog his senses and he wishes for time to pass faster so that he may witness the next event that pushed Nyota to such madness.

_‘’Commander! I have the Captains signal. Her life-signs just appeared sir!’_

_‘Two security crew men are to come with me to retrieve the Captain. Mister Scott, you have the chair.’_

Sarek is bemused to find himself running after his son, Nyota not far behind _furiously_ whispering to his son about how he should not be the one to transport down to the surface of the planet.

_‘I must find her.’_

_‘You aren’t in the right state of mind to look for her Spock!’_

_‘Lieutenant! You are wasting valuable time by arguing with me on a matter on which the outcome has already been decided.’_

_‘Spock!’_

 

********************

Sarek waits… and waits… until finally he sees the glimmer of gold and his son appears holding the Captain in his arms, her unconscious body clutched closely to his chest. He swallows in awe when his son snarls at the room at large when they request that he place her down on the gurney and he realises that _this_ was the moment when Nyota finally understood that the friendship his son had been fostering with the Captain had transformed into something much deeper. Her feelings of betrayal ran deep and he felt infected by it.

                                                                                *****************

He has become accustomed to the whirlwind of confusion and emotions that assail him with each new memory he traverses into, the most startling of which was the building _hate_ he could feel and _see_ surrounding each one in haze of darkness and despair. In this particular memory, as he silently observed the argument between his son and Nyota, his son informing Nyota that he wishes to grant Jim a child, he is taken aback by the ferocity in her expression. He can feel through their mental transference just how insulted, hurt and shocked she is by this revelation and as a Vulcan who has lived well over a hundred years, he finds that he cannot fault her logic for feeling this way. His son had handled this matter poorly indeed.

                                                                                **********************

He listens, he sighs, he waits through each argument, each heated aggressive sexual encounter, each lonely night Nyota spends without Spock. How the loneliness is crippling her, the pain she is feeling amplified a thousand fold each time she sees his son and Kirk together. He follows after her in one of her memories, concerned when she takes it upon herself to steal another crew members log-in credentials and with a twisting sense of foreboding in his stomach - he gapes as she enters his sons laboratory unauthorised and steal a vial of viscous liquid from the refrigerated experiments within.

He remembers the conversation clearly between Spock and Nyota. Spock had nonchalantly and with no great inflection merely mentioned in passing… the uses and consequences of the contents she had just stolen. He clearly remembered his son stating that should they ever be used on humanoid beings, the most likely outcome would be death. His son had gone on to explain the fascinating findings in depth on how the substance limited growth and attacked new living organisms and cells and likened it similar to a plant on earth called pennyroyal.

As she slips the vial into her pocket, he is dismayed to see how her smirk turned into a full blown smile.

***********

When Nyota makes her first move against the Captain, the encounter between the two women in the mess hall - he lifts his head in horror as he watches her walk over to a blonde yeoman, vial of liquid in hand.

_‘Hey Rand, you couldn’t do me a massive favour could you?’_

_‘’Sure Ny, what do you need?’_

_‘’I... well, this is embarrassing but I’ve… I’m worried about the Captain. She looks really tired these days and I heard Dr McCoy say the other day that she has to lay off the coffee… so I was thinking, why doesn’t she just start drinking tea instead..’_

_‘’Yeah, but how’s that going to help her if she’s tired?’_

_‘’I asked McCoy if we couldn’t just give her a shot or two of vitamins and supplements to boost her system but he said that there was just_ **_no way_ ** _that the Captain would go for it. So he’s given me a few small bottles of the stuff and he’s asked me to ask you, if you could kindly just pour a few drops into her tea each time you bring it to her. That way she won’t even know she’s drinking it and we should start to see the effects soon.’_

_‘’But won’t she taste it?’_

_‘’Nope, its peppermint flavoured so just add it to tea that tastes the same and…’_

_‘’Ah, yeah… that could work. And you’re sure this won’t kill the Captain? You know how she’s allergic to almost everything.’_

_‘’Nope, you’re all good to go.’_

_‘’Okay then… but if she finds out that I’ve been spiking her tea, don’t blame me when I immediately point her to you and McCoy.’_

_‘Wouldn’t dream of it.’_

_*********************_

He is beyond mortified at her actions. How she could possibly even entertain the thought of rendering another woman infertile was insane. Sarek’s skin begins to crawl as he is tormented with flashes and glimpses of Jim drinking her tea and how with each memory, the satisfaction and glee he can feel from Nyota washes over him in wave, after sickening wave.

He wishes he had never attempted this meld.

****************

Captain Kirk has been bleeding.

He stands with Nyota as she gazes down with half-closed eyes on to the floor of the transporter pad. He knows the link between his son and Nyota has now been broken when he comes to stand directly in front of her. He stares into her eyes as they open and his breath hitches as he sees the euphoria in hers. _She thinks she has succeeded._ Nyota thinks she has succeeded in causing Jim to miscarry his grandchild. For the first time since his wife has died, he feels the full force of emotions, dominant amongst them was his fury.

_He fights the urge to raise his hand and strike her._

_******************_

When Nyota discovers that the child has survived, he can only wince each time he hears her sob, how she throws all manners of objects into the walls and he stands aside reflexively when she throws a vase near to where is head had been located. He sinks onto the floor with her as she slides down the wall, weeping into the crook of her arm.

His head lifts at the sound of her PADD and she grabs it viciously intending to no doubt throw it along with all other objects in the room but he is surprised when instead of her sending it smashing into the wall she leans back and balances the device on her outstretched legs. She is defeated and she has lost all hope of ever gaining back his sons love.

Her face his covered in streaks of tears and nasal mucous that he has come to associate with crying in humans and he cannot fathom how she can see anything through the liquid that circles around her eyes and yet _somehow_ she must be able to because she brightens perceptibly at the name flashing on the screen.

_Hope, he thinks is as dangerous as it is inspiring._

He wonders who she is talking to at first but as the conversation slowly gets typed out and he reads the contents of each message he understands that she is speaking to the man who had kidnapped Jim once before.

                                                                                **************

With each passing memory, a few days, sometimes a week or two would elapse and he watches her behaviour shift from despair, insubordination and violence into a simmering mass of rage, scheming and silence as his son terminates their relationship completely. The man who she has been conversing with has been whispering into her ear late at night, in soothing _understanding_ tones and he is sickened by the things he imprints onto her brain with his treacherous words.

_Of how she was being treated unfairly. Of how things would just be so much better if Kirk was not in the picture. If she was simply just_ ** _gone._** _Of how she deserved to be with Spock and how he deserved to be with Jim as he had marked her as_ ** _his_** _mate_.

Sarek knew he could not take any more of her tumultuous emotions when he witnessed her destroying Spock’s laboratory, ridding herself of any incriminating evidence which could be used against her. Spock would never be able to identify just what was missing due to the chaos she had just unleashed upon all of his experiments. No one would be able to trace the source of Jim’s illness when she inevitably succumbed to septicaemia that would come to pass if she continued to drink the poisoned tea. Nyota would laugh herself to sleep each night and each night in her memories, Sarek would shiver.

He prays to Surak for the memories to end.

******************

‘’Enjoying the show, father dear?’’ he hears her words as his head tilts to the side, the memories having ended and he closes his eyes as he fights for control.

‘’Do you have any idea the damage you have wrought? Not just to yourself Nyota, but to Captain Kirk and to Spock. To a man that you claim to love?’’

‘’What do you know about love? Aren’t you the one who told Spock that love was illogical?’’ he scowls as she smirks, her tongue dipping out to wet her lips as she steps out from behind the great baobab tree. She crouches down in front of him and runs her fingers over the grizzled bark.

‘’Tell me where your conspirator has taken Captain Kirk. We can find her before something comes to pass that you will never be able to redeem yourself from.’’

‘’Redemption? Ha! I don’t want to redeem myself father-dear. _I want fucking vengeance_!’’

Sarek hastily jumps to a standing position as the ground begins to quake, the river splashing onto the dirt around his feet and he steps up onto the roots of the tree as the level begins to rise.

‘’Whatever for? It is not their fault that they are T’hy’la, Nyota!’’

‘’He should have chosen me! I was _his_ … he is mine. _Mine!_ ’’

Nyota steps into the putrid black oil, the whites of her eyes glowing bright amongst the darkness that has gathered around her and he is ashamed when fear floods his system.

‘’Lu’tharel said that he would make her go away. He would take her away for me. Then… Spock… _my_ Spock, would have no choice but to come back to me. He would love me again if she would just GO AWAY!’’

The wind begins to howl and he can barely hear himself think and he automatically stretches his hand out to her when she starts to sink deeper into the river.

‘’Take my hand Nyota. You do not have to succumb to this madness. I will help you. We will heal you and all will be forgiven.’’ He shouts out desperately, but she laughs… and laughs… and he can do nothing but watch helplessly as she sinks further in.

‘’SPOCK!’’ she suddenly shouts and Sarek has the presence of mind to notice that they are not the only ones currently in her mind.

He sees the familiar outline of pointed ears. How has his son gained the strength to meld with this tainted woman after being so severely wounded?

The figure lands lightly next to him, his robes unsullied by the water he has landed in and he lifts a hand gracefully, his long fingers waving through the air.

Nyota is bathed in blue light; the air around her body vibrating as something forcibly pushes the liquid away from her body and lifts her from it with ease.

Nyota screams as she is lifted, the faint blue walls around her separating her from the madness below and she pounds with her fists against the barriers as she is left suspended in mid-air, trapped but safe in her glowing blue cage.

‘’Ambassador Sarek. I became concerned when you did not leave the meld after four point two hours within.’’

 

‘’Ambassador Selek. I thank you for your concern.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tell you what folks, being bullied at work... really fucking sucks. When people purposefully refuse to speak to you for up to eight hours a day unless its work related, can kinda fuck with a girls head. I have been moved from job to new job inside my company, different hours each week since I started five weeks ago and I am so emotionally and physically tired of all the shields I myself have to build up around my heart each day in order for it not to get to me, that when I get home, I don’t just go to sleep. I pass the hell out. I haven’t written anything in really long time purely because I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and what I am capable of doing thanks to some people at work who have somehow deemed it their one mission in life to tear me down.
> 
> Anyway, here’s a short chapter for you. It unfortunately doesn’t contain half as much in it as I wanted to write out originally but that just means that my story will be a chapter or two longer than expected.


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